to wonder where everyone's money comes from and why we have none?

[pennilessandpanicking]

We are really struggling for money and are in a bit of a mess that we can't get out of. We really struggle to the point where I couldn't take the children for an ice cream with their friends after school this week because I didn't have any money to buy an ice cream. Yet my facebook is full of people eating in cafes, driving places at the weekend, children doing endless after school activities (mine did do gymnastics but have had to stop it, and often can't afford to take the toddler to the childrens centre playgroup because I literally don't have the pound admission). Some of these friends are an a lower income than us / not working...AIBU to think they must be being helped by family, or have savings we don't have, or another source of income?

DH earns about 30,000. To me that is a high wage, it's certainly more than anyone in my family has ever earned, although I appreciate that some people will earn more. I am a SAHM. We have looked at the finances of me working and when we do the sums, with 3 DC (two would need before and after school care, one preschooler would need all day), we can't see how it is financially possible for me to work.

Basically, we moved from the North to the South-East a couple of years ago in order for DH to take up a permanent full time job, which increased his income from 16,000 to 30,000 and gave us the security of a permanent contract. Obviously the cost of living is higher, and we seem to be worse off, along with having much lower tax credits than we did on a lower income.

We have done everything we can to save money. Our rent is 850, which is honestly the lowest we could find in the town where DH works. If we lived further out, we would spend more on travel. I hate the town anyway and wouldn't choose to live here! After bills, council tax, etc, we have about 400 to get through the rest of the month, including food and travel. We shop in Aldi or Lidl, and manage to spend about 55 a week on food, cleaning products and toiletries for the five of us. It is tight, using cheap veg to bulk out meals etc and no treats - especially for the grown ups. We don't use the car unless essential. DH walks forty minutes each way to work, and cycles the children 4 miles each way to school in a bike trailer, except on the mornings when he isn't able to because of work commitments, in which case I get the bus (i can't drive) which costs about 12 in bus fare for me and the children, for 2 return trips (there are complicated reasons why they don't go to school closer to home, involving school admissions and some extra needs, but we're not eligible for help with transport and we just don't have the spare money for me to learn to drive, even though we would save money in the long term because bus fares are extortionate).

We have sold everything of any value, including jewellery I was given for my 21st, things left to me in a will, etc. We don't have a TV or sky subscription. We have never had a holiday, and have only been abile to visit family when they have been kind enough to pay for the travel. All the children's clothes are off ebay, or have been passed on to us by other people. DH and I have holes in our clothes, and I have no shoes, only flip flops. A couple of months ago we had to SORN the car because we couldn't afford the MOT and road tax in one installment. Some months we have run out of money halfway through, and have managed by buying enough cheap food for a budget menu, and dh and I sometimes going without food, especially fruit and veg, in order to save it for the children.

AIBU to think that on the income we have, we really shouldn't be this desperately broke? Am I missing something abiout how everyone else is doing this? We do keep looking out for jobs in cheaper areas but nothing is coming up, and I'm not sure how we'd afford to move unless there was a relocation package.

Please be kind, but genuine suggestions welcome!

Sassy I see you replied earlier and you know about rent.. Blimmin flipped thread...

And I agree that OP isn't claiming enough. With her DH holding the purse strings she really wasn't to know. I suspect her DH isn't an economics lecturer...

In addition, OP you can claim backdated benefit, not sure how long, but you will get a hefty lump sum if Sassys calculations are right.

You've got enough on your plate without doing extra work.

The OP said earlier in the thread though that she'd phoned up and asked about benefits and had been told they weren't entitled ... hope the info she'd been given was wrong and Sassy right.

hb is something you just assume goes with unemployment benefit i think
we missed out on a year of it once, meanwhile living in poverty

unrealhousewife, DH isn't holding the purse strings, it's pure "head in the sand" on my part that I never look at the account. He'd love me to take charge of the bills! No, he doesn't determine how much I take out - it varies depending on the number of bus trips I need to do that week etc and we work it out together. He does the same, take the cash out then we can't spend "extra". He certainly isn't keeping me short of money, he'd give me and the children everything he has. He has bugger all for himself.

Wow the information Sassy has posted will make a massive difference if you can follow that up!

OP I just wanted to say I have been there. I recogniose that srabbling round trying to find 1 for playgroup or having stomach churn when DC were invited to a party and I knew there was nothing extra in that month's budget for a card/present. And the gut wrench when I'd realise one of DC's shoes had a hole in... It was a struggle. It was drudgery. It was scary. BUT, I knew they were our lean years. I knew that was as bad as it was going to get - there was light at the end of the tunnel and my earning potential would increase as childcare costs decreased. Yes, I stiill pay some now, but breakfast/afterschool club is peanuts compared to F/T nursey. So it won't last forever, just bear that in mind.

If for some reason the information posted by Sassy does not apply to you, I would say you need to get back to work ASAP, wither in a weekend role that does not require childcare or one that requires childcare but you at least break even (as your childcare costs WILL reduce so you will soon have more disposable income). Just a thought - could you do home tutoring? It's 25 per hour here!

In answer to your question about where everyone else gets their money...I too have done those calculations where I looked at a friend and guessed salary/outgoings . A lot of people absolutley hammer their credit cards for what I would say are day to day expenses and luxuries. I was amazed when someone I work with told me they have 7k on their credit card. I also know someone who remortgaged their house intending to pay for an extension but has frittered the money away. I'm just trying to point out that some people seem to have more money but they could be playing fast and loose with their financial security. Some other people were lucky and have massive amounts of equity in their homes and relatively low mortgages if they bought in the late 90s/early 00s.

FWIW, your rent is very low for SE so I don't think moving elsewhere would make that much difference (at least anywhere with a uni for your husband to teach). I live in a NW city and you'd struggle to find anything decent below 600 so the saving only equates to 3000 over a year maximum (although I suppose that is 10% of salary).

Also, when I was in your situation, a lot of the "solutions" like bulk buying or paying for things in a lump sum just weren't applicable - when I had a strict 30pw food budget, I knew it would make more sense to buy the giant sack of pasta but I just couldn't shave 2 off elsewhere to manage it. Same with bus fares - I knew the annual season ticket would substantially reduce what I paid but I didn't have the money to pay for it annually.

Hope some of the suggestions on this thread work for you - it's an awful situation to be in but it WILL get better.

Yes, I have asked about tax credits but hope I may have been given the wrong info? I haven't asked about Housing benefit - as sanfairyanne said, I assumed it was only available to people on benefits.

I don't think my earning potential is anywhere near my DH's. But I know we can't afford for me to be at home full time, which I did for the children's benefit and this just isn't benefitting them - and working around his hours does seem the best solution.

Penniless - can you check out if you are entitled to these benefits. It would make a huge difference to you.
Also is your husband a university lecturer (as opposed to FE lecturer)? If so and he is in his late 30s I would question the pay band he is on. I think he should be on more.

Thanks to everyone who has given such helpful advice - and for telling me things like Housing Benefit, and community preschools that I didn't know about. I'm very pleased to have survived an AIBU with no nastiness and touched by helpful responses.

You're right that people could be running up massive credit card bills - we don't have a credit card and don't think we could get one - it's not a good idea anyway as would only dig us a deeper hole. I used a small inheritance to clear our student debts, and don't want to run up more debts as that would just be a nightmare.

Yes google he's a University lecturer.

do think about selling the car - you really do not "need" one....

Also - academia is a terrible career.

in the SE (science or engineering) he should be able to add 20k to his salary easily in industry - especially as a published post doc

You need a budget... There is an app called this.

But you need a rolling one year plan to include everything.
Rent
Utilities
Car insurance
Car tax
Xmas presents
Petrol
Hair cuts
There is a guide on money saving expert.

Start from scratch and see what you need to be bringing in. 95% of your life can be planned. The MOT for the car shouldn't be a surprise expense.
Save into different pots and try not to borrow from them. It might take a while to get established, but should help in the long term.
Take advantage of 0% or cash back credit cards.
I used to buy my car insurance on one and pay it back through the year.

Penniless in response to your response what concerns me is that you don't know what the bills are and don't know where your money is going. Effectively he is holding the purse strings until you can fully see what's going on in the joint account. It's very easy to get duped into paying more on bills than you need to.

Have you had a look at the account yet?

One more thing I thought of was council tax benefit.

Good on you for getting rid of the student loans, that is a great thing to achieve. I have not even started paying off mine and am about to take out another one. Do not be tempted by credit either, it can appear like a solution but rarely is.

Is there a surestart centre within walking distance to you? Their groups are free to attend and include fruit for the kids usually.

Hiya panicked...I am fairly confident of the figures. Housing benefit is not based on receiving benefits, it's based on household income vs rent. I have had to guess your local authorities maximum rent payable (what they call a broad market rent.). the average amount a house is rented for in your area and how many bedrooms you are 'entitled' to. This depends on age and sex of children so have assumed children are of both sexes therefore entitled to three beds. If all same sex it may be two rooms. However this will only reduce entitlement to HB very slightly but may knock you out of the £3 a week council tax reduction. To get the 'to the penny' calculation, the best bet is to get on to the web site for your local council and use their benefits calculator. They are quite easy to use. I do stress again that there is little to be gained from working as you will lose what you can claim almost pound for pound, best way forward is to go for the housing benefit and then when smaller ones at school go for a job..as for tax credits unfortunately you can no longer backdated more than a month. this changed in 2012 before then it was 3 months however not a moment to lose, get on to the council, get a claim form, find 2 months payslips 3 months bank statements and claim what's yours . ...having said all that, if you have savings over 16k ignore everything I have said...but again presuming you wouldn't have started the thread if this was the case good luck. ! p.s it can take up to six weeks to get a payment but they pay from the first Monday after you claim in arrears.

Back up North, you'd probably be able to rent somewhere decent for under £500, so there's a chunk of your income accounted for, already, along with the loss of tax credits. So no judgement, here.

I don't know if anyone has picked up on this, btw, but you mention a child with "extra needs". Are you getting everything you are entitled to for this child? DLA, Carer's allowance etc?

OP is getting DLA for their child with needs.

Is this reflected in the tax credits award? (sorry, been painting and dipping in and out of MN so haven't RTFT)

OP, you mention your DH can take DC to school in the bike trailer and then go on to work. Is there any reason you can't cycle like this to save on bus fares? Is it because three are too many or too heavy to take in the trailer? Do you have a bike for getting around?

Re fares to school - our LEA pays for fares, by taxi if necessary, if children can't get to school on foot. Is there anything like an oyster card system in your area?

Hi OP

I take my hat off to you and your DH managing on your income in the SE. I'm embarrassed to say that we have months where we struggle on considerably more. Had to go back through your posts to try and figure out where you are based. It's just a thought but I think MN are looking for a Local Editor in your area. I saw a news article last week about someone earning 16k a year but no idea what MN pays and what you have to generate through local advertising etc.

Otherwise - is there a university creche that staff can access ? If you have previously worked in education support and could secure even a PT role in the same university as your DH, it might make your respective logistics a little easier as time goes on.

Also - three children can sit in the back seat while you learn to drive. You will want a couple of solo lessons first but otherwise, it's good preparation for the reality of driving with 3 distractions in situ.

My mum used to do overnight shifts as a care home nurse 2-3 nights a week once my youngest sibling started school. She was home by 8.00 to do the school run and then got her head down until 1pm. Back to back nights were a massive struggle for her but rare until DBro was in school until 3pm. Subject to tax credits etc, but even one nights work a week would be something towards clothing you and DH for the winter.

can't understand why folks are suggesting op does horrendous jobs like night shifts when she is entitled to about 15k in benefits she hasn't claimed ? Why would anyone want to be out working missing bed, bath, story with little ones when not necessary ? also night/evening shift would could have huge detrimental effect on op relationship with dh not to mention being permanently knackered. OP - claim what your entitled to, your husband pays tax and NI there are plenty in this country who have never paid and never will pay a penny into the system and make it their life's work to live off the state.. Make life a bit easier for yourself while children are v small and go back to work when they get to school. Enjoy your time with littles while their small and then go for it job wise when it's cheaper to do so .

Sorry, not read all 10 pages but it does look as though you can have more income which is great

Sometimes it's the little household spends that add up to a lot. What do you use for laundry? If it's powder/liquitabs and fabric softener, you may want to work out how much that is per wash then try an Eco Egg. I've been using one (unscented) for a while because it's great for my dh's eczema and it costs under 3p per wash when bought on QVC's TSV. It gets clothes as clean as any other powder or liquid I've ever bought.

www.ecoegg.com/

www.qvcuk.com/ecoegg-864-Washes-White-%26-Colour-Laundry-Eggs-w--Stain-Removers-%26-Detox-Tablet.product.802820.html?sc=SRCH&cm_sp=VIEWPOSITION--6--802820 now £22 + £4.95 delivery, on TSV on 4 June it was £17.97 plus £4.95 delivery.

Agree (a lot) with sassy that night shifts aren't the way to go. You would be shattered, you'd never see your DP and the pay is so poor as a HCA that by the time you've taken into account travel and tax, you'd actually probably take home as much if not more as a self employed ironing or pet-sitting service part time from home. Less stress all round.

Certainly, if you are also an academic and can tutor in your subject to GCSE/A level, in SE all you need is a few tutees paying going rate (£25-35ph) to bring in enough to make a difference.

Try three hours tutoring a week on Saturday mornings when DH can wrangle the DC. Charge the going rate, and you'll have £75-£100+ more each week which will make you feel so much better.