to wonder where everyone's money comes from and why we have none?

[pennilessandpanicking]

We are really struggling for money and are in a bit of a mess that we can't get out of. We really struggle to the point where I couldn't take the children for an ice cream with their friends after school this week because I didn't have any money to buy an ice cream. Yet my facebook is full of people eating in cafes, driving places at the weekend, children doing endless after school activities (mine did do gymnastics but have had to stop it, and often can't afford to take the toddler to the childrens centre playgroup because I literally don't have the pound admission). Some of these friends are an a lower income than us / not working...AIBU to think they must be being helped by family, or have savings we don't have, or another source of income?

DH earns about 30,000. To me that is a high wage, it's certainly more than anyone in my family has ever earned, although I appreciate that some people will earn more. I am a SAHM. We have looked at the finances of me working and when we do the sums, with 3 DC (two would need before and after school care, one preschooler would need all day), we can't see how it is financially possible for me to work.

Basically, we moved from the North to the South-East a couple of years ago in order for DH to take up a permanent full time job, which increased his income from 16,000 to 30,000 and gave us the security of a permanent contract. Obviously the cost of living is higher, and we seem to be worse off, along with having much lower tax credits than we did on a lower income.

We have done everything we can to save money. Our rent is 850, which is honestly the lowest we could find in the town where DH works. If we lived further out, we would spend more on travel. I hate the town anyway and wouldn't choose to live here! After bills, council tax, etc, we have about 400 to get through the rest of the month, including food and travel. We shop in Aldi or Lidl, and manage to spend about 55 a week on food, cleaning products and toiletries for the five of us. It is tight, using cheap veg to bulk out meals etc and no treats - especially for the grown ups. We don't use the car unless essential. DH walks forty minutes each way to work, and cycles the children 4 miles each way to school in a bike trailer, except on the mornings when he isn't able to because of work commitments, in which case I get the bus (i can't drive) which costs about 12 in bus fare for me and the children, for 2 return trips (there are complicated reasons why they don't go to school closer to home, involving school admissions and some extra needs, but we're not eligible for help with transport and we just don't have the spare money for me to learn to drive, even though we would save money in the long term because bus fares are extortionate).

We have sold everything of any value, including jewellery I was given for my 21st, things left to me in a will, etc. We don't have a TV or sky subscription. We have never had a holiday, and have only been abile to visit family when they have been kind enough to pay for the travel. All the children's clothes are off ebay, or have been passed on to us by other people. DH and I have holes in our clothes, and I have no shoes, only flip flops. A couple of months ago we had to SORN the car because we couldn't afford the MOT and road tax in one installment. Some months we have run out of money halfway through, and have managed by buying enough cheap food for a budget menu, and dh and I sometimes going without food, especially fruit and veg, in order to save it for the children.

AIBU to think that on the income we have, we really shouldn't be this desperately broke? Am I missing something abiout how everyone else is doing this? We do keep looking out for jobs in cheaper areas but nothing is coming up, and I'm not sure how we'd afford to move unless there was a relocation package.

Please be kind, but genuine suggestions welcome!

But in the real world, if I was a landlord and I received a pink slip to find that my tenant had suddenly gone onto benefit I wouldn't want to evict them because it would mean losing money and a regular paying tenant.

So in the real world any sensible landlord would use an insurance company that covers Dss tenants. Better for them to have a tenant paying the full amount than someone that leaves because they're scared of claiming benefit.

I've seen this said a lot on here about the insurance but it really makes no sense to me to restrict your tenants like this.

I know its been said loads of times already and I only read the first three pages, but evening work is what you need to be doing. I did it while my kids were young in a restaurant as I didn't want to pay huge childcare bills. I did it for years and really enjoyed it. It is tiring but I managed to rest during the day when they were at school. The pay was good too. Maybe you could cycle there and back too..I did.

Just checked insurance websites. I think if I was confronted with one of these LLs I would offer to pay extra for the DSS insurance factor. It's only a difference of around 200 a year.

unreal I thought the same - to perhaps pay our landlord the extra insurance - I haven't mustered the courage yet as we've only lived here a little over a year. Thanks for the suggestion though.

Anyhow, UC is supposed to roll most benefits into one & we already claim TC. If at that stage, we are still having to continue with the top ups, we'll get a housing element as part of the UC, as I understand it. Hope my LL's insurance will accept us as UC claimants.

We pay the rent every month & look after the property as if it were our own. The extra money could help us save for a deposit on a property on the help to buy scheme. I don't get why 'dss' are discriminated against. It seems the answer would be to build more social housing, but I see the govt are very against that idea & want to push the btl market & the help to buy schemes. With the average house price being £260k I can't see that being a sensible option, but rather an idealistic one spurned out by the powers that be.

Just to add about the housing benefit. I have a flat that I let out (just about to sell thank god) and it is in my mortgage agreement not to allow tenants with housing benefit due to increased risk. Don't know how uniform that is.

Read lots of thread and hoping you feel better after flu, OP. when you are able, do update us. I would really like to know that you and your family are receiving support. I thought the advice given was great.

I think it's unreasonable to just suggest op should move or that her DH should just get a different job (as if it was that easy!). If he's got a PhD that means years of training to get where he is today, why give everything up now? There are alternatives to be explored before asking him to make a massive career change.

1. Look again at your bills. It seems as though you're budgeting amazingly well but are your utilities as low as they could be? Swapping companies might give you a few extra pounds to play with.
2. Get a part time job. Loads of brilliant suggestions have been made already, most of them you can do in school hours with a little one in tow. Cleaning for example can be done in your time frame and even if you just did a few hours it could really make a difference to your income.
3. Maybe think again about the schools issue? Bigger schools are sometimes better equipped to deal with specific needs as there can be a wider range of staff experiences and often a bigger budget. Best of luck! You can do it! Xxxxx

Ah... Sorry, skipped a few pages so my advice is so very behind! Lol.

Still best of luck & keep us posted! Xx

awsomer lots of people with PhDs have gone and get other jobs. Academia doesn't pay well and is very hard to get a permanent position. I have a PhD. At my last place I worked with someone with a Cambridge PhD in my team. My current place I know of two who have PhDs. One did a postdoc in oxford. We don't talk about it but I noticed it on LinkedIn. Someone I worked with at my postdoc has also joined the same industry, 5 years after I left. Most people doing the job has only an undergraduate degree. It is not a step down as you seems to imply. Years of training mean nothing. It is always about going forward.

Though I think the OP husband does have a permamnt position so it is worth hanging on. But I can tell you a starter in industry with a PhD in the southeast would earn more than the £30k quoted by the OP. My postdoc colleague got I think £35k at a level just above the graduate position (ie they didn't make him start as a graduate). He works in Poole. I would imagine Home Counties to be more for sure!

there is absolutely no way for landlords to know you are claiming hb. your claim is made to the local council. the claim is between you and the council. The council are NOT PERMITTED to contact your landlord without your permission, to do this is absolutely against the data protection act and the information commissioner would be on their backs in 5 mins if they did. Whilst it's true that many landlords insist they will not accept. DSS (the DSS was disbanded over 25yrs ago !!) that is only relevant to incomming tenants. once you are in there is no way for them to know. the benefits are paid to the claimant and there is a specific questions asking if you want the Money paid to the landlord direct or not. The only way a landlord can know is if you have no rental agreement to show the council what rent is being charged and YOU GIVE YOUR PERMISSION to contact landlord. I know all of this stuff after 22 yrs as a benefits adviser for DWP and also earn 35k have 3 kids, rent privately, and receive 767 a month in hb based on a 1284 a month rent, and can assure every one, my landlord is none the wiser !! he gets his rent every month and that's all he needs to know !

Also OP your dh should be taking the advantages of academia which is flexible working. On one of the days when he is not teaching could he work from home and let you work - then catch up in evening.
Academia is a job that is never boring and you are constantly learning which is the great thing about it. But long term - unless your husband has the drive to climb the ladder to professorship- the terms and conditions are poor. Long hours, lowish pay and a need to constantly raise your profile and publish and bring in grant money.

It's not a case of whether OP chooses to work or not, it's whether she chooses to work at looking after her own 3 children or works for an employer who gives her the money so she can pay someone else to look after them.

Either way the taxpayer subsidises her, whether through childcare vouchers or tax credits. The point is at the moment she's not claiming anywhere near her entitlement. She's got a fair few years of taxpaying ahead of her, let her have her last year with her child without putting her on a guilt trip.

Chunderella, I do agree with you to a degree, but as someone who works in the benefits system I can see which way the wind is blowing, and further reform to ' in work benefits' is not on the cards. There are too many 'hard working families' votes to be had, who are reliant on housing benefit to help rent payment. There is no political will to interfere with this because the current governments fan base are the landlords who get their rent paid and without that subsidy the government would have to build social housing, which is never going to happen . The benefits which I see disappearing over the next few years are the non contributory out of work ones like income support, income based/JSA..these are the ones most abused and pay people to do nothing. See absolutely no sense at the moment in OP working self to bone looking after 3 small ones then going out to work nights/ever or weekends when she should be enjoying family time. No welfare reform is going to effect anything claimed in the next year or so , which gives her time for. children to grow up and cheaper childcare even possible pay rise for dh. When all children in school/nursery thats time to look for a job. As Unreal said. Until then she is going to work simply to pay someone else to look after her children which is pointless and miserable for all concerned esp op dcs

Hello! Have u been on "Benefits Adviser" on the dh gov website? It's quite detailed and u need to input a lot of financial info , but it's very accurate in telling you what you are entitled to. But the best thing about it is that there is a "what if" section that you can use afterwards. You can then work out what is worth doing work wise and which benefits would go up or down etc and it gives u a weekly total for each scenario that you put in. I have found it very useful myself as I was struggling to work out which way would be better off for me. I do hope u work it all out, I feel sure u will as u are both well qualified. It's always hardest when the children are so young, in a few years when they're older and u can work more and your husband has established his career more, you'll be much more sorted. You'll look back and be all the more in a position to help other mums-netters who will undoubtably find themselves in your position at some point!! Good luck x

Luton has a law centre and aCAB who can give benefits advice. Just take all your paperwork with you!

I just wanted to add to the thread to say that I agree that your position would be improved by some pt work, but I don't think that you should do just 'anything'. What you do should help towards longer term goals.

Eg if you want to work in social care, try to fit something alongside that

If you want to work in marketing, look at home based web stuff or being a MN local editor.

Try to look up and forward, as well as at the immediate issue.

To Be honest, you need to see what you have coming in and what you ahve going out. Being a SAHM is nice, but YOU can change your circumstances if you wanted to you just have to make sacrifices. You could work nights in a supermarket or hospital or night cleaning or bus driving whilst your DH and children are sleeping, not the whole night but from 9pm ( presum the DC are in bed then) till 3am or the fill hog till 6am. Rest when the pre schooler rests. If that does not work, offer your services a paid baby sitter or register to become a childminder. To be honest you have to plan things. Set budgets track spendings. I know others who rent a house for 1000 per month have an income of 26k ( no benefits aside from CB) and they live within thier means. You have so many options:
Rent a cheaper place, could be one bedroom for the kids (you and DH sllep in the living room), move back up north and DH comes back on weekends to build back some savings, get a job or start touting for work. People do survive on less than you.

Tallandgraceful can you please explain to me why on earth any semi sane individual would want to work from 9pm -3am after a day looking after 3 small children rather than claim the 15k a year they are entitled to, at least for a year or so until smallest in nursery. seems barking to me ! unless enjoying martyrdom and wish to escape spending anytime with dh... also forgive me but if you have spent three years on a sofa bed in the sitting room this is something you wouldn't suggest to worst enemy - I did this ! As for living 'well' on 26k paying a £1k in rent and only claiming children benefit. That's 716 in wages after rent . About 580 after council tax. phone/ internet, elecric, gas, water, sewage, travel by bus or car insurance tax, tv license leaves about a whopping 100 a week at the very most for food, clothing, laundry, nappies school trips adult dentist and repairs to any washing machine s/car that may break down. That includes no ice cream treats, no days out to anywhere but free park , and absolutely nothing to spare if emergency cropped up. That's not living well. That's living below the poverty line and why do it when benefits provided by government to prevent having to live like this. There is no award for not claiming, no-one comes round in ten years and offers you an mbe ...take it when needed stop claiming when in better position to help yourself there is no joy for parent or child in being brasic .

This is a temporary situation caused by the coinciding of her DH getting a new job, a move to a new area and young children. In a few years their situation will be better.

The OP has a degree and some other qualifications - it would be wildly rash for her to run out and start sweeping the streets at dawn or something, rather than claim the benefits that her children are entitled to or do some pt work that would enhance her longer term employability.

Also, iirc, pre-schoolers sleep for a couple of hours at the most - how is that meant to make up for working the whole night?

OP how are you doing? Have you gone through your accounts yet?

After such a long thread and so many people taking time to offer numerous bits of helpful advice it would be lovely to know how OP has got on. (if any options suggested have been taken up - work and/or benefits.) I am sure I am not the only one interested to know the outcome and am sure the decisions OP makes could be very useful to others in or facing similar circumstances...x

Yes would be good if OP reported back as others may search in archives for something like this.