be angry about facebook photos?

[Daisy122]

Neither me nor my husband are on facebook, were more pick up the phone and chat or meet for dinner type ppl not really into the whole social network vibe - thats just us each to their own and no judgements on anyone else were quite aware were unusual in that respect especially both being under 30 and otherwise very social ppl :) Anyway when i got pregnant with my daughter we told family and friends that we didnt want any photos putting on facebook or announcements ect anything to do with baby really as were not on there to monitor it and we want to share first photos, news, scans ect ourselves in our own way; everyone agreed to this and we made particularly sure this was explained to my fil as he has a facebook page and likes to befriend everyone and anyone and is very open with his private life. Anyway when i was 5 months pregnant we got our second scan photo and went to visit both my parents and my husbands to show them in person, my fil asked for a photo of it and i said sure just dont put it on facebook please he said ok and took the photo. The following evening me and hubby go out to meet friends for dinner and proudly show off our scan only to be told oh weve already seen it on fils fbook page. So we get home go on his page through my brothers account and not only has he posted the scan photo but he had announced my pregnancy before we did and posted my scan dates, due date ect ect. My hubby called him and said we where really upset with him and felt really betrayed he said fine ill take it down and wont do it again but was not apologetic at all. We moved on and when my daughter was 2 months old i met hubbys parents friend in the street i went to introduce her to our baby and she said oh ive already seen her on fil's facebook, i was fuming got home and we discovered fils facebook profile pic was him and our daughter and other photos had been posted, he also had not removed the previous scan photos as requested. we invited him round to tell him we where really annoyed by this total disreagrd for our wishes and he said shes my granddaughter i can decide whats best for her and called us pathetic and reclusive just because we dont want photos on fb. My daughter goes to baby clubs, mums and tots, sees friends and family every week yet because her image isnt slapped all over the web were reclusive!!!! am i right to be so annoyed? thanks xxx

Wow OP, I have no idea why some posters have given you such an enormous kicking. Your FIL agreed to your request then completely disregarded it and now tells you he can do what he likes regardless of your wishes. I wouldn't chose to spend time with someone who had that view if they weren't family so yes, it would impact on how I felt about them and therefore be a factor in how i reacted around them.

Is there anyone else in the family who can stress your concerns as he doesn't appear to be listening to you or your DH. What about your MIL or any siblings?

MIL has tried and BIL lives in indonesia so is kind of too out of the way to properly intervene. FIL is one of those men who thinks hes always right and it doesnt matter what ppl say to him so its difficult to get things through to him or get him to swallow his pride for the sake of relations.

YADNBU. I would be as mad as you are! Infact I never give photos to people I don't trust (or let them take pictures of their own) for precisely this reason. It appears rude sometimes but is rather not be the helpless one in the end.

Yanbu. I agree with all the previous posters who've said that he's betrayed your trust.
I am on FB but I do not put pictures of my DDs on there. It's just too public and my DDs are too young to make a proper decision about whether they want their photos on FB too.

You are completely within your rights not to want images of your child on the internet. He is being utterly disrespectful of your wishes for your child.

Ignore the bitchiness regarding grammar etc, you always get a few that love to jump on board and tear into a poster

Nice thread, reading through it's actually made me question mine and DH's decisions over photo sharing of DD on fb (we both have strict privacy settings and I pretty much only have family on there, but still, is it right?). Anyway OP, like others have said I agree that this is really about your FIL lying to you and not respecting your wishes. I don't know what you can do with dealing with the type of person who always thinks they're right, other than from now on accepting that whatever you share with him can and probably will be shared with all and sundry on facebook so you therefore only share things that you wouldn't mind a stranger knowing (which will probably mean FIL misses out a lot, but that's his fault).

and he said shes my granddaughter i can decide whats best for her

How can any poster claim this man's behaviour is acceptable?

Daisy I am dyslexic and I had no problems reading your original post.

I completely agree with you. We do not generally post photos of kids on facebook, our kids our choice.

I don't trust facebook privacy settings any more than I trust facebook not to change things without my knowledge!

I don't think he is just a proud granddad, he sounds like someone who thinks he is right and is going to do what he wants regardless of what you think. (IMHO). That is rude and thoughtless. At what point would this stop. When she is 10 and says to him herself she does not want photos on his facebook page, 12, 15, 18?

If he were my FIL I would not give him any more photos and would just explain I can't trust him.

It is a sad thing to potentially damage a relationship over such an issue but I would feel clear in my own mind that it is FIL who is potentially damaging the relationship by blatantly ignoring your wishes.

I also think it is funny if people think that this is somehow the same as showing photos to people you know in person, by hand - it's not.

Hope you find a way forward with your family. It's not your fault this has occurred.

ignore all the stupid comments, you have a right to choose for your daughters photo to not be on the Internet (I have known people who have had their babies pictures and scan pictures copied by random fake accounts and them pretending that it's their baby!!) anyone could copy those pictures so YANBU at all Op x

I don't think your FIL meant any harm, not to warrant supervised visits anyway. I think this whole situation has blown way out of hand.

You are right to be angry that he posted pictures of your daughter when you specifically asked him not to and I would be fuming at the announcement being made public before having the chance to myself because that was your special news to tell everyone.

But he isn't doing it to be malicious. He is doing it because he is proud of his grand daughter and wants to share his happiness with everyone he knows.

Don't be so hard on him. Explain again why you feel so strongly about not wanting pictures and info splashed across FB but please, don't go down the route of supervised visits

Now if my fil told me he would continue doing this I would go nc. He wouldn't see my child again.

You have my full sympathy. I don't have a Facebook account. I don't want photos of me or indeed gossip/news about me posted on Facebook. I find the whole concept of Facebook pretty appalling.

You're on here posting so can't be that opposed to social media site's????

That is a ridiculous comment. This is an anonymous opinion and discussion forum, not a social media site. You don't know my name or what I look like.

I have made it clear to friends, family and acquaintances who have Facebook accounts I do not wish photos of me posted. What is this obsession with plastering the minutiae of one's life over the Internet?

YANBU and posters banging on about your grammar etc seriously need to get a grip. It's pathetic behaviour.

YANBU at all. I would be so angry. I also don't post pics online and I'm regularly surprised by how often I see pics of babies splashed all over the place. Privacy seems like an old fashioned idea.

You have chosen not to be on Facebook. You have chosen not to share your private life with hundreds of people or post pictures of your baby online. For someone, after repeated requests not to, to put pictures of your baby and even your scans online is a huge invasion of privacy.

This ^^

I would have gone ballistic at that, plus now I'd never trust him. I'd cut off all but supervised access to his GD and I'd confiscate whatever tech he had with a camera on it when he was in her presence.

Ignorant stupid old git needs a sharp lesson in manners and so does everyone who thinks what he did is acceptable

YANBU . While I do have a Facebook account I rarely post and do not have photos on there because of the nature of my work. I get really annoyed when friends and family tag me in their pictures!

All these people saying he's just being an over-zealous Grandad etc etc are wrong imo. If he was, he wouldn't have acted the way he did when they found out. Instead of talking to them about their decision he used the fact they're not on, against them. He wasn't even trying to hide it, he was so cocky about it.

It's not even about the sharing itself, it's about the total violation of their wishes and telling them he knows better than them and will ignore their wishes whenever he likes. It's incredibly hostile and I totally understand the OP being upset about it.

I totally agree with supervised visits. He's already shown he thinks he knows best so they can't trust that he won't do something else they ask him not to (introducing certain foods for example) because "he knows best".

I'd be cross too. It's so bad of him to announce the pregnancy and birth before you had. Also to totally go against parents wishes in terms of not putting images on line is not acceptable, its totally different to having a photo of your grand kids in his wallet and shows little respect.

I'd probably a) make sure he knew things last and late (so pregnancies at 18 weeks and births after you'd told family/friends). Be honest about why you've done it 'we wanted to tell everyone ourselves before FIL posted on FB

B) lower contact levels if he is unwilling respect things but your DH should have a word with FIL first.

You're not unreasonable at all - he is a horrible man who is completely disregarding your feelings on this. It's as though he is actually narrating your child's life. FFS he posted your scan and your due date! If anyone had done this to me I would have gone absolutely nuclear and banned them from anything to do with my child beyond very, very limited access.

I find it extremely disturbing that people are basically documenting their child's life via a site which is insecure at best. I wonder how many of these children are going to grow up feeling extremely violated.

I've had to block a couple of friends on FB for this very issue. Quite why they think anyone (other than their close family) want to see their scan - a medical picture of their insides - is beyond me. And why they want to give an online impression that their lives basically revolve around their children, is also difficult for me to understand. I don't care what your child had for dinner, and I certainly don't want to see your child eating it!

OP, ignore all the grammar nazis on here - probably just bored because they've got nothing better to do than post boring pictures of their children on FB.

That was a nasty comment, wasn't it? Just like all the other nasty comments on this thread. I don't think I've ever seen such nastiness on MN, although to be fair I haven't been here long.

In any case - to move on - how will you be proceeding? No contact at all? Or very, very limited?

Op I get where you coming from. My sister has also banned photos but about twice a year she posts a selected picture on fb of the children so that members of the family who live abroad can see them. Unfortunately in today's world there is very little you can do about these online photos. Maybe do what my sister done and allow selected photo on occasionally. Meeting half way between dotting grandad and understandable protective mum. Also get fil to check his settings on fb.

I'm very precious about my children bring on Facebook. MIL used to post pictures till DH and I asked her not to, she would befriend anyone who asked and doesn't actually know most of her fb friends in RL.

In contrast, my best friend shares her dd's entire life on fb. I wonder how that will work when future employers check. Will it be a new social class denominator?

Spotty that was my sisters concern! It's known now that employers check fb.

I don't think YABU and the grammar complaints are just plain mean.

What does your DH say about it all OP?

I suppose it comes down to whether you want it to impinge upon the relationship you allow your fil to have with his grandaughter (reduced contact, only supervised contact).

Really difficult one because if you decide to put the relationship first then it means your own feelings have to be set aside and he gets away with arrogant, controlling behaviour.

Refusing unsupervised contact over some photos is just bonkers IMO. Really, pick your battles. In ten years time your child will be plastering themselves over Instagram or whatever the equivalent is anyway. Before then they're likely to be in nursery/school newletters/newspapers. It's not worth losing a grandparent relationship over.