Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

be angry about facebook photos?

379 replies

Daisy122 · 14/06/2014 21:00

Neither me nor my husband are on facebook, were more pick up the phone and chat or meet for dinner type ppl not really into the whole social network vibe - thats just us each to their own and no judgements on anyone else were quite aware were unusual in that respect especially both being under 30 and otherwise very social ppl :) Anyway when i got pregnant with my daughter we told family and friends that we didnt want any photos putting on facebook or announcements ect anything to do with baby really as were not on there to monitor it and we want to share first photos, news, scans ect ourselves in our own way; everyone agreed to this and we made particularly sure this was explained to my fil as he has a facebook page and likes to befriend everyone and anyone and is very open with his private life. Anyway when i was 5 months pregnant we got our second scan photo and went to visit both my parents and my husbands to show them in person, my fil asked for a photo of it and i said sure just dont put it on facebook please he said ok and took the photo. The following evening me and hubby go out to meet friends for dinner and proudly show off our scan only to be told oh weve already seen it on fils fbook page. So we get home go on his page through my brothers account and not only has he posted the scan photo but he had announced my pregnancy before we did and posted my scan dates, due date ect ect. My hubby called him and said we where really upset with him and felt really betrayed he said fine ill take it down and wont do it again but was not apologetic at all. We moved on and when my daughter was 2 months old i met hubbys parents friend in the street i went to introduce her to our baby and she said oh ive already seen her on fil's facebook, i was fuming got home and we discovered fils facebook profile pic was him and our daughter and other photos had been posted, he also had not removed the previous scan photos as requested. we invited him round to tell him we where really annoyed by this total disreagrd for our wishes and he said shes my granddaughter i can decide whats best for her and called us pathetic and reclusive just because we dont want photos on fb. My daughter goes to baby clubs, mums and tots, sees friends and family every week yet because her image isnt slapped all over the web were reclusive!!!! am i right to be so annoyed? thanks xxx

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 15/06/2014 08:00

I think yabu.

What a lot of flipping angst about a few photos. And some posters add being so hysterical. It's so irrational.

And to to the poster having a go at the yabu posters accusing them of hitting the wine "while their dp's watched the football" - how bloody sexist.

Singsongmama · 15/06/2014 08:01

How can we expect children to understand that they need to take caution in plastering images of themselves all over the internet if we do exactly that since they are born? Hmm

Delphiniumsblue · 15/06/2014 08:12

If my children are young I would keep pictures off the Internet. However, as is clear from this thread, many people have opposing views. The sad thing is that although you can ask him there is very little you can actually do to prevent it.

Perfectlypurple · 15/06/2014 08:15

Yanbu. I can't believe you are getting such a hard time.

It is the betrayal that I would have difficulty with. You asked him not to and he carried on.

atos35 · 15/06/2014 08:58

Starting a thread on aibu on a Saturday night seems to be an invitation for unpleasantness and point picking. I don't think yabu not wanting pictures of your child plastered all over fb, I personally wouldn't put pictures of anyone else's children on fb without checking it was ok with their parents first. But you have already explained how upset you feel to your fil and he hasn't taken that on board so proud grandad or not he is being a bit unreasonable imo. But I wouldn't let it destroy the relationship between your child and their grandad. But if you are asking if you are justified in being pissed off about it then yes, I think you are.

GnomeDePlume · 15/06/2014 09:13

YANBU

In your place I would be seriously rethinking how I had contact with FiL. When you are with him and his camera comes out then tell him not to take pictures. If your DD is with PiL when you arent there then you will have to police his FB photos. Report each and every photo.

FiL will come from a generation which did not grow up with having every conceivable moment photographed. He may well not get the invasion of privacy thing as he probably wont have experienced it himself.

Is there any way you can get that invasion of privacy through to him? Is there anything you could use as an example? How about telling him to put up photos of his bank statement on facebook? After all everyone has got one but he may not want everyone to see his Wink.

PhaedraIsMyName · 15/06/2014 09:34

Honestly the comments from some of you. It's as if Facebook was an obligatory, essential part of life. The more I read about it the more inane it sounds. None of you have given any sensible reason why this arrogant man needs or is justified in doing this.

AnyoneForTennis · 15/06/2014 09:43

It's bit just Facebook tho..... What about all the other sites

Original poster
Daisy122 · 15/06/2014 10:09

FIL doesnt have any other social site accounts just facebook. My husband rang him this mirning and said maybe they could come round after dd has gone to bed tonight and discuss whats gone wrong FIL's response was i will not tread on egg shells going forward i will do what i want and you will have to let it go or i just wont have a relationship with DD as our feelings toward what he did are immature. basically he says its his way or the highway - highway it is then im afraid, his loss and his choice. If he was that bothered about the relationship with his grand daughter he would at least come over for an adult conversation his arrogance is appalling hubby is very frustrated and doesn't want to see him at this point in time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisy122 · 15/06/2014 10:13

Also i dont think we have to presume in 10 years time every child will be plastering themselves over social media sites i never did and have friends that don't its like its an expectation - your not a normal part if society without a fb or twitter account, the looks i get when i tell ppl i dont have an account are ridiculous.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 15/06/2014 10:14

He sounds like a doting grandad, maybe he goes a little overboard as you seem so intent on keeping his grandchild a secret. Not wanting to announce pregnancy until 8 weeks after the 20 week scan is just strange.

Are you going to keep her locked indoors as there will be hundreds of occasions people can take a picture of her be it family or strangers.

Grandparents simply can't win, if their doting they are doing something wrong and if they show no interest that's wrong too.

Owchyleg · 15/06/2014 10:14

I would be annoyed op. I am always carful never to post photographs of anyone else's children on Facebook other than my own. I don't see it as my place to.

peasandlove · 15/06/2014 10:17

I would be pissed off at his lack of respect for your wishes. If you dont want your daughter's pics on facebook that is your decision and he should respect that. People are way too flippant with what they share on there in my opinion.

TidyDancer · 15/06/2014 10:27

You've had an unnecessarily hard time on this OP.

Yanbu about the core issues. It's a betrayal of trust. The photos wouldn't really bother me, but the issues with the scan and announcing the pregnancy before you were ready I agree completely with you about. He had no right and he knew you were unhappy about it. That's at best rude.

Btw, you're post wasn't difficult to read and it is not a requirement that you have perfect spelling and grammar. You should not have felt like you had to say you have an English degree.

I think if I were you I would say limited photos only, no naked or bath photos (etc), and see if he can be trusted in that respect. I don't think a blanket ban is at all realistic these days so finding a compromise may be better.

Pleasejustgo · 15/06/2014 10:27

Morning,

You're not the only one without Facebook by a long stretch OP many people abandoned it some time ago.

You're FIL is being entirely unreasonable and if he refuses to have contact as 'he won't be told' then I suggest you leave him too it until hopefully he comes his senses.

What a silly old man he is being.

Hope this doesn't cause too much angst in the long run.

Well done for sticking to your guns.

Singsongmama · 15/06/2014 10:28

Not wanting to announce pregnancy until 8 weeks after the 20 week scan is just strange.

No it's not. It's a personal choice. I know people who have repeatedly miscarried or very sadly had still born children and they wanted to keep very quiet about their subsequent pregnancies. My best friend felt very guarded and private about her pregnancy in this situation. I would announce after 20 week scan but respect that others may not for personal reasons.

KatieKaye · 15/06/2014 10:30

FIL does not sound at all like a doting grandparent - he sounds like a very unpleasant man with control issues if he cannot respect your and DH's wishes. If he blatantly disregards this photo business I would be very worried about what else he would ignore.
It will not harm him in any way if he does not post these photos. But he does know the hurt and stress he is causing you over it and yet he persists. Very strange behaviour and the statements about doing what he wants regarding your DD would really worry me.
At this stage I would simply not respond, other than to say the matter is not up for discussion because he cannot behave in a rational and considerate way. I would also join FB so you can monitor his account - you don't have to post anything yourself.

pianodoodle · 15/06/2014 10:30

YANBU he sounds like a pompous arse.

He says he won't do x/y/z, does it anyway with no apology for it.

Apply that attitude to every other scenario where you might have to trust him in the future and you have a problem.

He'll do what he sees fit regardless. Remember that if he ever wants to babysit...

Dayshiftdoris · 15/06/2014 10:33

I have a friend who doesn't want her baby on FB - bit of a surprise as she was (still is) a big Facebook fan and so are her friends and family...

Not ONE picture exists on FB of her daughter. Everyone has respected her wishes. The only indication that she has a baby on there is her saying she hasn't had much sleep and is sharing articles about breastfeeding Smile

She uses photo sharing through the iPhone so no one is missing anything and it's so lovely to be able to comment without wondering you can read it

You are not being unreasonable - you've asked more than once and he believes he owns his granddaughter.... which is worrying.
Just announcing your pregnancy early would have been a deal breaker for me...

GnomeDePlume · 15/06/2014 10:38

Daisy122 - is this your PiL's first grandchild? I wonder if sometimes new GPs dont initially get that their role is quite different from the parents' role. After all, the previous children have been their own so they were in charge.

Doesnt justify but might help to explain.

I agree that teenagers are not automatically all plastering their lives across social media. Certainly my DCs are very careful about what they post as are their friends. These things are generational I think. The big facebook plasters that I know tend to be in their 20s and older. The younger generation seem to know the pitfalls better.

Original poster
Daisy122 · 15/06/2014 10:39

Some ppl seem confused about when he announced my pregnancy he announced it when i was 8 weeks pregnant not 8 weeks after the 20 week scan. Tbh its up to the mum and dad when they want to announce pregnancy its very personal and is not fair to say that someone who did wait so long would be 'weird' for doing so.

OP posts:
thebodylovesspring · 15/06/2014 10:41

Hi op. It's important to you so it should be respected by him.

All this nasty crap about your spelling/grammar. Seriously some very bitchy idiots on here sometimes.

We all have fb here and dcs have Twitter Instagram etc but it's perfectly acceptable to not be interested and to not want children's photos there either.

Barefootgirl · 15/06/2014 10:42

I do think the OP is being a bit precious - but her preciousness is FAR outweighed by the dreadful attitude of her FIL. "I'll do what I want and you can't stop me"? Oh really? Thats what he thinks.

BTW, i think it is flat-out weird of your FIL to be friends with YOUR friends! I have quite a lot of friends on FB, and I am not friends with their in-laws, their hasbands/wives/partners or their children. I would be a bit creeped-out if someone's FIL tried to friend me.

lornemalvo · 15/06/2014 10:47

You sound annoyed that you didn't get to make the big announcement but you weren't going to make it anyway so where is the problem? I have a fb account and did not mention I was expecting on it. But your FIL was obviously delighted he was getting / has got a grandchild. You have probably taken that joy away now. I hope he is able to move on from your treatment of him and continue to be happy about having your baby in his life.

skrumle · 15/06/2014 10:49

YANBU - he sounds like an arse.

i would have been really angry if one of my parents had told lots of people i was pregnant at 8 weeks after being told not to - for him to have posted it on his totally-open-to-all facebook page is a terrible betrayal of trust IMO.

by his actions he has made it clear he doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect how you are raising your child, he doesn't respect your relationships with other people, he doesn't respect your child's right to privacy. if he continues to take the "my way or the highway" approach then i would just let him slip out of your life - this isn't about facebook this is about his arrogance, refusal to consider your views and willingness to lie to your faces.