To tell friend how I feel about lending money

[pupsiecola]

My best friend has asked me for a loan to see her through until pay day (150 quid). This has happened about 6 times in the last 12. We also leant her 500 quid 2 years ago. Last month she paid back 50. The rest is outstanding. I know other people have leant them a lot of money too.

Her DH has MH issues. She has a really really tough life. She works full-time and has a DD. They have struggled financially since he had a breakdown around 15 years ago. He's not really worked since.

She has started a relationship with someone at work who also has MH issues. I am worried about her because whilst I don't judge her (and actually think she deserves some fun and a bit of happiness) he seems to be bring far more problems than he's worth (he is single, but much much younger).

Anyway, I always lend her the money when she asks, without question. She always pays the short term stuff back. The 500 I have almost written off.

I have two issues:-

1. Since getting involved with this guy at work I feel I don't hear from her as much and it's always me who initiates contact. But I know she is very busy at work etc. and I get that friendship is give and take in terms of effort put in. Only thing here is I do feel a bit taken for granted. Eg today I wake up to a chatty (but apologetic) text asking if it's possible to borrow the 150.

1. I don't think she is careful with money. For example she bought her daughter a pen for a fiver the other week! But she bought her the same pen in a different colour a few weeks ago. She bought her man friend a funny and pointless game for 20 quid last time we were together (2 weeks ago). Now, again I try not to judge. She works hard and it's up to her what she spends her money on. But it does make me feel a bit resentful when she then doesn't have enough money to last the month.

We are in the process of buying a house. We could really do with the 450 quid back. And whilst I could lend her the 150 and probably will as I love her and don't want her to have this stress, I do feel upset and I do actually feel resentment building. I am worried I will tell her how I feel about it, and it will ruin our friendship.

WWYD please?

She's ignoring hints about taking control of her finances as it's possible that facing up to the reality of the situation is scary. With a lot of situations like this, it takes the borrower to hit rock bottom in order to see that she can't carry on spending willy-nilly because the money will not be on tap as it has been in the past.

OP, you bailing her out each time is not helping but hindering her from facing the truth. You don't need a reason to stop lending her money and you are not obliged to justify your outgoings to her in any way. She is in this situation due to HER choices. You didn't choose for her to be in those circumstances, so you have nothing to be feeling bad for. If anything, she should be feeling ashamed that her bad choices mean her money is going on luxuries for her family, yet she's having to borrow from others to buy food etc.

So you have 2 choices. Lend her the money and let your resentment destroy the friendship, or stop lending her money and watch her possibly end the friendship because you're not giving her what she wants from you. Either way, I can see the friendship going down the swanny, although, she could totally surprise you and thank you for making her see the light so to speak. I think the chances of that happening are very slim.

Anyway OP, you carry on with your life and enjoy your money.

Op do not feel guilty, you have in thing to be guilty for. The longer the silence, the more telling it is! She is hardly poor on £42k a year, bad with her money more like!

I bet she's got payday loans with fucking massive interest on them. It's pretty shocking that she didn't wise up when she got the IVA. If that wasn't a wake-up call then I don't think there's much hope for her.

Sounds like her family wised up to her a long time ago.

Crap situation for you to be in Pupsie, but you've done the right thing.

She's got a spending problem (or maybe a gambling problem), and giving her money isn't going to make the problem go away.

I think you can offer her friendship (if she wants it) and a shoulder to cry on from time to time, but she'll just keep spending whatever money she has access to until she deals with the underlying problem.

You're doing the right thing.

For what it's worth, this is my situation: Me and my DP are going for a debt relief order, which is often referred to as 'bankruptcy light'. It follows a harsh few years during which I had cancer and lost my job. We genuinely don't have enough money coming in each month to pay back our debts and at one point, we couldn't see how we'd afford the £180 fee needed to apply for the DRO.

At no point did we ask to borrow the money for the fee from friends or family and actually turned down a freely-made offer from a friend. Even though we weren't irresponsible with credit, after going through this I will NEVER have any form of credit again because the stress of not being able to meet the payments isn't worth it.

Your friend clearly hasn't learned from her experience, whether it was an IVA or a DRO. She's still seeking to extend what is a GOOD income, because in her eyes it's not enough. She'll never be satisfied with what she has.

Sorry to hear your story iamthegod. That really sucks and is so bloody unfair.

She has texted me this morning asking how I am and showing some interest so that's something I guess.

Well that's fine - many friends do that. They don't hope for money to come flowing through after it though.

The odds are that she's testing the waters prior to doing a further 'I wondered, after that text, whether you were OK, pupsie?' Before you know it, you'll be falling over yourself to offer her cash - which she'll reluctantly agree to accept albeit with many protestations of 'Are you sure? ' and 'I'll have it back to you by next week' .......and so on.

Don't weaken. No more money!

By the way - if it is possible to get payday loans with an IVA/DRO then I'd lay odds that she has a few of those because they seem so easy to arrange and the adverts fairly bombard you from all quarters.

You didn't say how old her DD is ?

no you can't cook her a meal but you can send her the Alvin hall book 'your money or your life'. It will help her completely take charge and revamp how she spends her money. She just needs a bit of direction from a charismatic professional. Buy the book and send it to her.

Look on amazon for book reviews - alvin hall

The odds are that she's testing the waters prior to doing a further 'I wondered, after that text, whether you were OK, pupsie?' Before you know it, you'll be falling over yourself to offer her cash - which she'll reluctantly agree to accept albeit with many protestations of 'Are you sure? ' and 'I'll have it back to you by next week' .......and so on.

Agree. I think you mentioned that you usually are the one who makes the effort in keeping contact...now she is making contact, I'd be quite wary.
Keep all responses breezy, but I wouldn't lend more money.

I wonder if because she earns 42k she feels that she should be able to afford luxuries as and when she wants, as it is far above and average salary. I presume if her husband is disabled they receive dla and child benefit for their daughter. On 42k with a 5% pension! an average company car plus private medical she will net approx £2320, assuming no childcare vouchers or saving schemes. Plus 80 child benefit plus dla and no rent.

She has an iva or dro because she has a history of not paying back debt. Banks have marked her credit file warning others not to lend her money.

Don't lend anymore, ask for £225 back on her payday as you need to get your deposit together. Then the rest next payday. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

She worried one of her cash cows is drying up, don't get suckered back in. By all means carry on with this friendship but ignore any mentions of money / loans unless it's to pay you back the £500 she owes you.

Alvin Hall is really good, I was a fritterer once.

All you can do is wait and see if she still wants to be friends but lending her money can be counter-productive in the long run.

I think 43percent might be right - she feels that she can afford luxuries whenever she wants them, and doesn't realise that she still needs to budget.

A friend got into similar difficulties - although to her credit, part of it was that she felt that she was so well paid that she should be giving money to family, paying for friends, etc etc - but she just felt she could buy whatever she saw that she liked.

On the positive side, she doesn't have loan payments or a credit card to pay off. No debts. That is exactly what the IVA is for ! Why should she take control all the time her df , you and others - yes you won't be the only ones she calls on - are prepared to bankroll her lifestyle. Every £50 she pays you back will be £50 she is borrowing from elsewhere , directly or indirectly. Say no and break the cycle , but be prepared to lose this "friendship".

You've done the right thing. The money lending can't go on.

Hopefully it won't affect your friendship; if it does, well, you sadly know where you stand. Whatever happens, the loans should stop. Enough is enough.

Don't do it OP I leant a friend just over £1k a few years back I asked her to do a monthly DD of £5 pm as she was really struggling but she said she couldn't even do that. I somehow ignored the sudden appearance of 2 Radley handbags I even got her to sign an agreement, which I still have but I think she knows I'll never take it to small claims. It has been about 5 years now and still no sign of a penny. She always said that when she was working she would start paying me back but nothing. Worse thing is she seems to be avoiding me ever since starting work, I assume because she thinks I will ask for it back. It just makes me very sad as I leant it in good faith when her gas and electric got cut off and she had 2 small children. I won't lend money at all now.

I wouldn't lend money these days. If I had any spare, I might give it if there was a serious need - or more likely pay a bill/arrange for a food delivery etc - but lend money ? Nope.

Still can't quite get over someone on £42K not having enough money to feed their kids after week 3...

It's just what she said. People after money generally use an excuse that will resonate with the person they're trying to get it from. Who knows what her real situation is ?

She has texted me this morning asking how I am and showing some interest

I'll bet she has I really do hope I'm wrong, but frankly I doubt if concern for your welfare is her sole reason for being in touch ...

agree puzzled, I suspect she's grooming the op ready for the next request.

She works hard and it's up to her what she spends her money on. It is never her money she spends though.

I certainly wouldn't ever lend her money in the future as she obviously won't pay it back. I think it was very manipulative of her to give you £50 of the £500 she owes you and then only a month later to ask you for £150. My BIL used to do this kind of thing and we decided years ago that the best thing to do would be to write off all debt but to never lend him anything again. It's the only way to stop feeling angry and used.

I think it was very manipulative of her to give you £50 of the £500 she owes you and then only a month later to ask you for £150

It was, yes - but then that's the way these people work. They repay just a little to create the idea of reliability, but quickly revert to type

Sooner or later this "friend" will run out of people prepared to lend. At that point she'll either have to get really creative or hit rock bottom ... though come to think of it, hitting rock bottom might finally spur her into sorting her mess out??