To tell friend how I feel about lending money

[pupsiecola]

My best friend has asked me for a loan to see her through until pay day (150 quid). This has happened about 6 times in the last 12. We also leant her 500 quid 2 years ago. Last month she paid back 50. The rest is outstanding. I know other people have leant them a lot of money too.

Her DH has MH issues. She has a really really tough life. She works full-time and has a DD. They have struggled financially since he had a breakdown around 15 years ago. He's not really worked since.

She has started a relationship with someone at work who also has MH issues. I am worried about her because whilst I don't judge her (and actually think she deserves some fun and a bit of happiness) he seems to be bring far more problems than he's worth (he is single, but much much younger).

Anyway, I always lend her the money when she asks, without question. She always pays the short term stuff back. The 500 I have almost written off.

I have two issues:-

1. Since getting involved with this guy at work I feel I don't hear from her as much and it's always me who initiates contact. But I know she is very busy at work etc. and I get that friendship is give and take in terms of effort put in. Only thing here is I do feel a bit taken for granted. Eg today I wake up to a chatty (but apologetic) text asking if it's possible to borrow the 150.
   

1. I don't think she is careful with money. For example she bought her daughter a pen for a fiver the other week! But she bought her the same pen in a different colour a few weeks ago. She bought her man friend a funny and pointless game for 20 quid last time we were together (2 weeks ago). Now, again I try not to judge. She works hard and it's up to her what she spends her money on. But it does make me feel a bit resentful when she then doesn't have enough money to last the month.
   

We are in the process of buying a house. We could really do with the 450 quid back. And whilst I could lend her the 150 and probably will as I love her and don't want her to have this stress, I do feel upset and I do actually feel resentment building. I am worried I will tell her how I feel about it, and it will ruin our friendship.

WWYD please?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Sorry forgot link in previous post
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/presence-mind/201307/are-you-in-codependent-relationship

[differentnameforthis]

She borrows the money to live in because she runs out by the 3rd week of the month

She borrows because she knows she can. She runs out by the third week because she has no reason to make her money last, because she knows you will bail her out.

Stop it.

[sillystring]

You don't solve money problems with money. She needs to take responsibility, you're actually doing more harm than good by bailing her out.

[ApproachingATunnel]

If you feel the need to help someone and feel good about yourself then she is the wrong person to go to as she doesn't really need your help. I am sure there are countless families who really struggle even with trying to budget and saving every penny. This person on the other hand has enough but is shit with money and sees it perfectly ok to sponge off others with her sob stories (no money for DD's lunches? Really, just really??)

I am not criticizing you Pupsie, btw. I think you sound lovely, way too nice to people (her on this occassion) and I am angry on your behalf! I think this relationship is doomed and it is not through your fault at all. It is doomed because she is entitled and a user and I suspect a liar too (doesn't her company pay for at least part of the fuel?..).

[glasgowstevenagain]

Drugs?

Gambling

[Fluffy40]

Blimey, we earn about 20k in total, and we manage charity donations too.

Tell her to stop wasting her money.

[pupsiecola]

Thanks approaching. I don't think I do do it to feel good. I genuinely care about her. We had (or so I thought) one of those friendships whereby we imagined still being mates at 80. At the beginning it was a pleasure to be in a position to be able to help someone I cared about. I felt lucky to be able to do that.

It is a good salary isn't it. DH has actually asked me if I think they are into drugs. DH earns much much more than her. I wonder if I feel guilty about that. So whilst she earns good money, he earns very very very good money. But boy he works hard for it.

[glasgowstevenagain]

I would text her - Can you lend me 200 quid on payday (her payday) to help you out.

when she mentions repayment say - why dont we just put that towards the 450 you owe me

[ApproachingATunnel]

Mind you, her OM might be sponging her off promising her the world, who knows. Still not your problem!

[glasgowstevenagain]

Ill be honest after reading that your household income is way more than hers.

I would write off the 450 and the friendship.

"Hi, I feel our life has moved in diefferent directions, I appreciate you live far away but a 15 second text reminding me you are thinking of me would not take long. I only hear from you when you want something.

I truly wish you all the best in life but I feel that we are on a different path

[JustSpeakSense]

It sounds as if you feel guilty for your DH good salary?

[Fullpleatherjacket]

So. She has money to throw away on five pound pens and twenty pound games that chances are will end up on a car boot stall or in a charity shop by the end of the year while her dh is necking (even at supermarket prices) approximately ninety quids worth of beer a month?

Then she has too much month left at the end of the money and is going cap in hand to anyone she thinks might sub her?

Practise your best 'no' voice and direct her to an online budgeting tool or MSE and make sure she factors in the outstanding £450 she owes you.

[pupsiecola]

I do feel a bit guilty I suppose in that it's just sliding doors really. I married my husband. She married hers.

Anyway, I've not heard anything more from her. I have no idea whether I should actually send her an email telling her how I feel. I need to try to park it for now I guess. But I am mightily pissed off.

[differentnameforthis]

I imagine that 2k didn't last long and didn't improve her situation as it was mean to.

Because it was never meant to.She wanted that money for presents, not to pay for her dh to leave. She lied op, because really, who would give anyone 2k to buy gifts?

She is not naturally a grabby person and I do feel this is driven by sheer desperation. Yes, she probably IS desperate. But she is desperate because she squanders your her money, because she knows someone will bail her out. No one is forcing her to look at the bare facts, they are just enabling her to keep spending!!

Jeez, if I had a friend willing to give me 500 pounds for no reason, I wouldn't be in a hurry to budget my own money either.

I am not scared of her. I would not want to add to her stresses because I care about her and I would not choose to lose the friendship Sorry to be blunt op, but this isn't a friendship. You are her bank. Who cares where her money goes, the fact is, she doesn't because she has you at her ATM

[glasgowstevenagain]

I would ask her for the 225 on her June payday and 225 on her July Payday!


get it off your chest

[JustSpeakSense]

But pupsie if your family had to survive on £45k plus a company car would you be asking for loans from family and friends? Her financial mess is her own doing.

I'm sure your DP works very hard for the Money he earns and you sound very grateful for your comfortable lifestyle please don't feel guilty. You sound like a lovely person and supportive friend.

[pupsiecola]

I have survived on far, far less justspeak, yes. After my divorce I had to rent out my flat and rent a room for a friend as I couldn't afford to live there.

I guess ultimately I know that if I do try to talk to her about it she won't get it. She will think I live in cloud cuckoo land, just like she said to me about her father.

[JustSpeakSense]

I believe when you stop lending her money you will stop hearing from her and your friendship will fizzle out.

[pupsiecola]

from a friend.

[emotionsecho]

You sound like a lovely caring person OP, but your friend is taking advantage of your good nature. Offer her practical and emotional help and support if she needs or wants it, but tell her you are no longer in a position to offer financial help.

Don't feel guilty about the fact you are in a good financial position, she coud be too if she wanted to be.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

It's hard to stop this train of thought: I could help her, so I should

Why? Your financial position / ability to go skiing / whatever really isn't anything to do with her. If the unpaid loan had been just a one-off that might be different, but it's endless cadging off whoever will give it and actually none of his is helping her in the long run

There's no need to fume over it and no need to say/explain anything else - just keep repeating that you've "not got it" and you'll almost certainly find the situation resolves itself. Most likely she'll blow you out, which will be painful for a while but at least you'll find out exactly what value she placed on your friendship

[cheerybear]

Urrggghh! I few years ago I lent a friend £1000, because she was desperate. She then wasted the money on rubbish, new hair cuts etc. This annoyed me as I lent it to her to help her and her child out of a situation, it wasn't for her to have nights out and play about with.

It took me over a year to get the money back and it has damaged our friendship. I still like her and see her, but I will never trust her again and feel she used me.

I try to never lend people money now, people who need to borrow money are normally in that situation because they can't manage money in the first place and it's notthe first time I've been taken advantage in that way.

[ApproachingATunnel]

Also, she is far less emotionally invested in relationship with you. Has she ever said things like 'Pupsie, I'm so sorry I still haven't paid you the money back, I feel very uneasy about it, hope you don't think I've forgotten about it' or showed appreciation for organising your meetings? Is she interested and asking about YOU, your life, your children? Or is she only talking about herself 99% of the time? Is her life full of dramas and she needs an audience for them?

Based on what you've written so far, I would not expend the energy on contacting her with a heartfelt email detailing your feelings and take on her situation. Her father did that. Where did that get him? Nowhere. She was furious I seem to recall? I would just distance myself if I was you. She does not seem interested in your feelings (evidenced by not paying you back and my guess is, rarely even mentioning the money) and I am affraid she values the friendship much less than you. But your losses, let this friendship die its death and concentrate on people who are more genuine...

I would also contact her re 450 and not write it off, I think you will feel much stronger if you assert yourself and let her squirm.

[RahRahRasputin]

I don't understand why you're more bothered by her buying the game and the pens (£30?) than about her not paying back the £450 and repeatedly asking for more money, but perhaps it's the straw that broke the camel's back as it were. If you do tell her how you feel I wouldn't mention the game and pens, as that does sound a bit petty in comparison, I'd just mention that you've lent her a lot of money, as have other people, and that she hasn't paid back what she already owes so you cannot afford to lend any more, and that you'd appreciate it if she could pay back the outstanding money as soon as possible.

Perhaps you could point her in the direction of the Money Saving Expert forum as there's lots of advice there on budgeting, reducing household expenditure etc. so she will be able to find tips on how to make the money stretch further. Or perhaps CAB may be able to help?

The situation sounds very difficult for all of them. But it sounds like your friend has simply opted out of dealing with anything, and is just relying on others to pick up the pieces.

[eddielizzard]

well done.

i'm afraid it does sound to me like she's a user. and the thing is users give a very good impression of being a good friend, and are charming. otherwise they wouldn't get anything would they? so it's in her interests to keep you sweet.

now you will see if she genuinely cares about you or she was just in it for what she could get.

you sound lovely, but it is not your job to keep bailing her out. she can't work this problem out while you keep saving her.