To tell friend how I feel about lending money

[pupsiecola]

My best friend has asked me for a loan to see her through until pay day (150 quid). This has happened about 6 times in the last 12. We also leant her 500 quid 2 years ago. Last month she paid back 50. The rest is outstanding. I know other people have leant them a lot of money too.

Her DH has MH issues. She has a really really tough life. She works full-time and has a DD. They have struggled financially since he had a breakdown around 15 years ago. He's not really worked since.

She has started a relationship with someone at work who also has MH issues. I am worried about her because whilst I don't judge her (and actually think she deserves some fun and a bit of happiness) he seems to be bring far more problems than he's worth (he is single, but much much younger).

Anyway, I always lend her the money when she asks, without question. She always pays the short term stuff back. The 500 I have almost written off.

I have two issues:-

1. Since getting involved with this guy at work I feel I don't hear from her as much and it's always me who initiates contact. But I know she is very busy at work etc. and I get that friendship is give and take in terms of effort put in. Only thing here is I do feel a bit taken for granted. Eg today I wake up to a chatty (but apologetic) text asking if it's possible to borrow the 150.
   

1. I don't think she is careful with money. For example she bought her daughter a pen for a fiver the other week! But she bought her the same pen in a different colour a few weeks ago. She bought her man friend a funny and pointless game for 20 quid last time we were together (2 weeks ago). Now, again I try not to judge. She works hard and it's up to her what she spends her money on. But it does make me feel a bit resentful when she then doesn't have enough money to last the month.
   

We are in the process of buying a house. We could really do with the 450 quid back. And whilst I could lend her the 150 and probably will as I love her and don't want her to have this stress, I do feel upset and I do actually feel resentment building. I am worried I will tell her how I feel about it, and it will ruin our friendship.

WWYD please?

[magoria]

Whisky = whilst

[cozietoesie]

I'd disagree I think, KirstyJC. I'd consider judging to be relevant if only because it's not something that a really good friendship should have in it in my view. When you lend someone money in a serious way, you can become quite matriarchal about it - it's as if the lending of the money gives you a right to determine whether that person is doing things the way you think they should. ('Why is she buying X/doing Y/ saying Z when she still owes me .......') It's not good for anyone, including the person who lends as well as the borrower.

[pupsiecola]

Her dad wrote her a heartfelt letter last year about them sorting themselves out because he had lent her so much money. For example she had bought them all lunch for 80 quid, and then the next week was asking to borrow money. She tries to pay for a cuppa or whatever when we go out and I insist on splitting it. She spends it when she has it I guess.

I know if I speak up she will be hurt too. But I am getting more resentful the more it happens. I only have a part time job - it's DHs money (which is our money, but still) that I am lending her.

[wonkylegs]

I don't lend money for this very reason, I'll happily help out in other ways but lending money always seems to not work out.
In the long run as harsh as it sounds not lending her money will help her out as she obviously doesn't understand 'cutting her cloth accordingly' as she's got you/her family to cushion her when she mucks up. As it's happened several times I'd say she probably won't realise that she needs to sort her choices out until she is forced to.
Sounds harsh but might be the best thing.
My sis only really started to get on with her life once my mum finally stopped bailing her out all the time.

[JustGrrrrrreat]

What marywestmacot said. You are not even being a bank you are paying her to be your freind because you never see the money again!

[MaryWestmacott]

If you can afford to lose it, I'd tell her you aren't going to lend her any more money, but you'll write off the £450 she owes you, and please not ask for anymore. She'll find someone else for this month. Or perhaps she won't. Next month, you might have to stand firm again, it might take 2-3 months of her being in a mess before she "gets it".

[cozietoesie]

Just do it, pupsie. At some point, she's going to be 'hurt' anyway - although I'd be questioning whether, these days, that hurt is because of your friendship or because she's having a source of funds taken away. You need to protect your own family and lessen her dependence on you.

[IDontDoIroning]

Just text back . Hi x haven't heard from you in ages - sorry all our money is going into the house at the moment - wish I had a spare £150 lying round. Could really do with you repaying the rest of £450 from last year actually. Must get together soon. Xxx

[atticusclaw]

Its incredibly difficult but you need to stop feeling guilty about the fact that you have a nice lifestyle and your DH earns well. You need the money. I suspect you're not so well off that you can toss away £600 and not think about it again.

You need to say no. You are enabling her behaviour.

I have a friend like this and her parents enable her. It doesn't help her, she just gets deeper and deeper into trouble since she never has to actually sort out the problem for herself. She barely talk to her sister who earns a lot of money but won't give it to her. The sister has told the parents that their behaviour isn't helping and they're starting to see that now. They're about £70k down though.

If you love hr you don't give her the money you say no and force her to deal with the issues.

[pupsiecola]

Cozie I wonder where you draw the line re judging. This has been going on for 5 years, thinking about it!

[Walkacrossthesand]

I was going to suggest one final loan this month with a warning that you'll not be doing any more, so she can have an opportunity to try to budget harder next month - but I strongly suspect you wouldn't get this 'last loan' paid back in that case, so she'd owe you £600 not £450.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I wouldn't lend it.

I'm on the other side though, as in the past have known there are people I can borrow money from, and therefore haven't been as careful as I could have been. If those people had said no, or lent me less than I asked for I know I would have learnt to rely on them less and therefore managed my money better throughout the month.

Could you find out what she needs it for? If it's food perhaps you could pay for that instead and then she could repay that to you?

[emms1981]

I'm confused, does she have a husband and a b.f?. Don't lend her any money surely if she's working full time and has a child she will have money? She needs to learn to budget. I know some people are easy come easy go (my husband is one) where as I like to save but you won't be doing her any faviours by lending more. Its not your problem she needs to stand on her own 2 feet.

[weegiemum]

On some threads, MNHQ pops up with a wee message that says "never give more than you can afford to lose, emotionally or practically" or something like that.

Your friend is taking the piss. We've got enough money, and I wouldn't spend £5 on one pen for my dds! (Or ds either!).

[OwlCapone]

I wouldn't lend it.

I don't have problems lending when the person makes an attempt to pay it back but this friend clearly has problems with that.

[cozietoesie]

I'm not sure that I understand what you meant there, Pupsie ?

[Joysmum]

I'd text back saying that as you were moving house, you actually were trying to work out how best to ask for the previous 450 to be repaid so you aren't in a position to lend any more.

[DurhamDurham]

I wouldn't lend her any more money, she runs out by the third week because in the back of her mind she knows she can come to you for more. We would all help our friends out in exceptional circumstances but she seems to be making a habit of it.
You need to bring it out into the open and explain that you can't loan her any more money due to your own circumstances. You should also suggest a reasonable repayment timescale for the only she still owes you. You can still be there to support her in other ways but you do need to break the financial reliance she has on you.

Good luck

[annielouise]

I'd say I'm really sorry but actually we're really tight at the moment what with the house and I was going to ask you to pay off the rest of that £500. Make out you're struggling right now and need that money back. One of three things will happen - she'll pull away, in which case you'll know she was pretty much hanging around for the money, she'll at least try to work out a way of paying you back even though she might not succeed, or she'll realise she needs to stop borrowing and it might be a seismic shift in her attitude towards money (it might take time though). You should have spoken up if she told you about that letter from her dad and said well he's getting on, he's paid for what he needs to pay for and needs to think of his retirement. We're all responsible financially for ourselves. She hasn't learned that.

[MintyChops]

Don't lend her any more and send Ironing's text. I hate to admit ever having watched Judge Judy but if you were in her court and lent her more without getting an earlier loan repaid she would tell you you were very foolish and would not be getting the earlier money back. Stop being a mug.

[TweedleDi]

You think you are kind because you repeatedly lend her money? Nope, you are just enabling her to ignore her responsibilities.

You are very low in her priorities for repayment. If you really care for her, have you considered that 'tough love' might actually be more kind?

[Sicaq]

I think OP is entitled to be a bit judgemental about how her friend spends money, given that she a) still owes OP and b) is still borrowing from OP. Once my (now ex) friend owed me £700. I judged away when she came round in pretty new shoes, chatting away about the lovely restaurant dinner she bought last night.

Anyway OP, I the end I had to write off the debt and not lend any more. I slowly cooled the friendship: no falling out, we are polite when we meet, but that's it. Definitely no more lending: I know you are concerned for her, which is nice of you, but she is responsible for her own life.

[cozietoesie]

Has she got a mother in the picture at all? (I see no reference to one in your posts.) It seems to me that if this has been going on for 5 years, you might have been nominated for that role.

[MistyMeena]

Another one here who says you must stop, it's unlikely you will get anything back. You need the money, you need to tell her you just don't have it.

I've lent so much over the years, not had it back then had to watch while the borrower swans off on holiday while I can't afford to. It's hard not to feel resentful

[angelohsodelight]

Stop giving away money. If she knows she can get money off people like you and not repay then you are not helping her break her bad habits. She needs to grow up and be more responsible.