To tell friend how I feel about lending money

[pupsiecola]

My best friend has asked me for a loan to see her through until pay day (150 quid). This has happened about 6 times in the last 12. We also leant her 500 quid 2 years ago. Last month she paid back 50. The rest is outstanding. I know other people have leant them a lot of money too.

Her DH has MH issues. She has a really really tough life. She works full-time and has a DD. They have struggled financially since he had a breakdown around 15 years ago. He's not really worked since.

She has started a relationship with someone at work who also has MH issues. I am worried about her because whilst I don't judge her (and actually think she deserves some fun and a bit of happiness) he seems to be bring far more problems than he's worth (he is single, but much much younger).

Anyway, I always lend her the money when she asks, without question. She always pays the short term stuff back. The 500 I have almost written off.

I have two issues:-

1. Since getting involved with this guy at work I feel I don't hear from her as much and it's always me who initiates contact. But I know she is very busy at work etc. and I get that friendship is give and take in terms of effort put in. Only thing here is I do feel a bit taken for granted. Eg today I wake up to a chatty (but apologetic) text asking if it's possible to borrow the 150.
   

1. I don't think she is careful with money. For example she bought her daughter a pen for a fiver the other week! But she bought her the same pen in a different colour a few weeks ago. She bought her man friend a funny and pointless game for 20 quid last time we were together (2 weeks ago). Now, again I try not to judge. She works hard and it's up to her what she spends her money on. But it does make me feel a bit resentful when she then doesn't have enough money to last the month.
   

We are in the process of buying a house. We could really do with the 450 quid back. And whilst I could lend her the 150 and probably will as I love her and don't want her to have this stress, I do feel upset and I do actually feel resentment building. I am worried I will tell her how I feel about it, and it will ruin our friendship.

WWYD please?

[cozietoesie]

The problem is that it's not going to be just her - she has a DD who'll likely be affected to some degree plus a husband with MH issues. (I'm not including her OM right now.) It's liable to be a real mess which is why the OP has to try to steer clear and not be sucked in.

[IrishBloodEnglishHeart]

I was in a similar situation. Like you I felt guilty that I had a relatively comfortable life whilst this particular person was struggling. It took quite a while to see that he was basically playing me. He was/is a master manipulator, very adroit at pulling the heartstrings and arousing guilt in order to get hand outs. Eventually it became obvious that he had absolutely no intention of getting straight, no intention of working and was using me, and as it turned out, a great many other people, to fund his lifestyle.

You have no reason to feel guilty for not helping her out financially. You have no need to apologise or even explain to her in detail why you won't let her have the money. Just meet every request with a "No, sorry I am short at the moment, can't help". Eventually she will get the message and stop asking. Be aware though that she is playing you to an extent and just stay alert to it. Be prepared for her to get angry and maybe even drop you. Just keep telling yourself that you are not in the wrong.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

The problem is that it's not going to be just her - she has a DD who'll likely be affected to some degree plus a husband with MH issues

You're right, of course ... and I've no doubt that when really crash, she'll try to put the screws on big-time

Another reason to tell her upfront that there will be NO MORE MONEY and then detach

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

when things really crash ...

[Chippednailvarnish]

She's not ashamed, she's trying to think of another way to soften you up. I bet she'll be in contact soon needing money because of a disaster.

You actually sound like a total doormat when it comes to this woman ( I won't call her a friend, because a friend wouldn't ask), and she knows it.

[MaryWestmacott]

Thing is, at the risk of offending some people on here, £42k is not actually a lot of money, it gives you what, £2,500 a month to live off, if you don't budget, it goes quickly. It's perfectly possible for a family to live off that quite comfortably, but not without budgeting and not without restraint.

She seems to be falling into the same mistake that it's a lot of money, so spending for the lifestyle she feels she should have on that wage, and of course it doesn't stretch.

If she has colleagues earning similar sums, if they have a working DP, then they could have a 'posh' lifestyle off it, but if htey have a family income of double that, albeit with some childcare costs, then they can have a richer lifestyle - she does'nt seem to accept she's the only breadwinner so can't join in.

I've seen this several times for people on incomes in the £40-50k mark, they feel they should be 'rich' - when actually if that's the only money coming into a family, that will only give you 'comfortable'. And 'comfortable' doesn't mean spending without restraint.

[MaryWestmacott]

oh and re her latest texts, I would be cheery with her, so far she's not done anything dramatically wrong (other than not pay back that £450), but don't be surprised if there's another ask for money later on.

Remember, you are entitled to spend your money on yourself and your family.

[KirstyJC]

Mary - it is a lot of money to live off if you're not paying rent.....2.5k for food and bills? Easy! Especially with the car being a work car, even if you have to pay petrol yourself. That works out at over 500 a week - for food and drink, council tax and petrol for 3 people? Piece of cake!

It is plenty of money, she is a user and keeps overspending. Glad you have stopped funding her OP. Now stay strong!

[MaryWestmacott]

Well, she's been paying rent for a while now, granted when she wasn't she should have been able to save, but now she's paying rent too.

Fact is, £42k doesn't give you a 'wealthy' lifestyle, but some people think it should. Now, normal people budget and then go "shit, that doesn't go anywhere near as far as you'd think it would" and then just do without the luxury items they feel they should be able to afford on that sort of money, this woman just buys hte lifestyle she feels she should have then expects other people to make up the difference.

[BMW6]

£42k pa should certainly give you a comfortable lifestyle!
If it doesn't, then there is something so wrong with your spending behaviour that no amount of income would satisfy you.

[HopefulHamster]

Ask her for the £450 - I can't believe she has the gall to ask for more while owing that. She has no idea what you might want to spend it on. Seriously, ask for it back, with a payment plan or whatever, but that's your money!

[Chippednailvarnish]

£42k is more than enough to live off, with no excuses.

[SugarMouse1]

Sorry, but there is rarely ever a genuine reason to lend someone money, it's just that they are shit with money. You are only enabling this.

I don't understand why she isn't embarrassed to ask- I'd be mortified.

Perhaps try and suggest going on moneysavingexpert or somewhere to get advice.

[pupsiecola]

Thanks for the replies. I have already decided I am not going to lend any more money. I'm going to stand firm. Take a step back emotionally for a bit too.

I really appreciate all the replies. Thank you.

[Muffliato]

£42k is more than double our income Mary and we have 2dc and I'm a sham.

[Muffliato]

Good for you op. Have you heard anything from her since?

[pupsiecola]

I have had a few emails/texts but less than normal for sure. I did ask her when she thought she would be able to pay the 500 back, so we could budget whether to use it towards house purchase etc. She has since paid me back another 50. She has been more chatty the last few days and I think that's cos she's been paid so generally pressure is off. But it will be short lived I think. I have stepped away a little emotionally.

[cozietoesie]

You don't sound so anxious about this now?

[expatinscotland]

Step away a lot emotionally!

[pupsiecola]

Less anxious because I'm not going to lend any more money and I'm 100% okay with that. It's the indecision often that causes the grief isn't it!

[Trillions]

Any news OP? Have you had any more of your money back yet?

[pupsiecola]

I've had 100 back in total. Will hopefully be 50 a month until it's all paid off. Thanks for asking.

[Trillions]

Fingers crossed for you! Well done for taking a stand :)

[BomberManIsAGirl]

Thats great that she has started to pay you back. I wouldn't mind if it was just £50 a month as long as it was paid back.

[Sidthesausage]

Buy her the alvin hall book!