To tell friend how I feel about lending money

[pupsiecola]

My best friend has asked me for a loan to see her through until pay day (150 quid). This has happened about 6 times in the last 12. We also leant her 500 quid 2 years ago. Last month she paid back 50. The rest is outstanding. I know other people have leant them a lot of money too.

Her DH has MH issues. She has a really really tough life. She works full-time and has a DD. They have struggled financially since he had a breakdown around 15 years ago. He's not really worked since.

She has started a relationship with someone at work who also has MH issues. I am worried about her because whilst I don't judge her (and actually think she deserves some fun and a bit of happiness) he seems to be bring far more problems than he's worth (he is single, but much much younger).

Anyway, I always lend her the money when she asks, without question. She always pays the short term stuff back. The 500 I have almost written off.

I have two issues:-

1. Since getting involved with this guy at work I feel I don't hear from her as much and it's always me who initiates contact. But I know she is very busy at work etc. and I get that friendship is give and take in terms of effort put in. Only thing here is I do feel a bit taken for granted. Eg today I wake up to a chatty (but apologetic) text asking if it's possible to borrow the 150.

1. I don't think she is careful with money. For example she bought her daughter a pen for a fiver the other week! But she bought her the same pen in a different colour a few weeks ago. She bought her man friend a funny and pointless game for 20 quid last time we were together (2 weeks ago). Now, again I try not to judge. She works hard and it's up to her what she spends her money on. But it does make me feel a bit resentful when she then doesn't have enough money to last the month.

We are in the process of buying a house. We could really do with the 450 quid back. And whilst I could lend her the 150 and probably will as I love her and don't want her to have this stress, I do feel upset and I do actually feel resentment building. I am worried I will tell her how I feel about it, and it will ruin our friendship.

WWYD please?

I guess ultimately I know that if I do try to talk to her about it she won't get it. She will think I live in cloud cuckoo land, just like she said to me about her father

So don't bother trying ... it's your money not hers, you're not actually helping by constantly bailing her out like this, and when the loans dry up you probably won't see her for dust anyway

Job done

No you are not being judgemental op, she is spending yours and others money, not hers, you have a right to be upset.

I think your friend, or her dh, might have some sort of habit too - drugs, drink, gambling....? Or maybe just shopping.

Because hers is the behaviour of an addict. In which case it's better for her if you don't lend her money. Or maybe she's just shit with money and thinks it's perfectly OK to sponge off a good friend. In which case it's better for you if you don't lend her money.

And lend= give, clearly. I've been scary broke and would rather sell the family heirlooms* than ask a friend for a loan.

• a nasty teaset from Argos c.1983 and a very ugly chair that even the dog won't go near

Also, her behaviour shows no respect for you or your friendship. Does she in some way feel entitled to sponge off you, has she always been like this?

YANBU for cutting her off. Asking you to take out a loan for her is outrageous. Why the hell can't she get credit?

Your friend sounds incredibly like some family members of mine.

They are quite often desperate, and unable to pay for the necessities - but that's because they keep spending money on luxuries! So they can't pay the rent, or someone has to take them grocery shopping, but they've just come back from a luxury holiday, or upgraded their car, or bought a puppy, or decided to get some extra childcare to have some 'me-time'. The list goes on and on. They will never change, and they will never pay anyone back.

Disengage, OP.

She's probably already exhausted that,Moonrover. Someone with those spending habits and and no idea about responsibility is a sitting duck for maxed out credit cards and payday loans.

She cannot get a loan, or a credit card (thank goodness) because of her financial thing (it's an IVA or something?). She literally has a cashpoint card and that is it. She has to do everything in cash. On the positive side, she doesn't have loan payments or a credit card to pay off. No debts. Although I have wondered if she has done a pay day type loan before as I don't understand where all the money goes.

Yes, I do feel I am disengaging. She hasn't always been like this. I guess it started when things were really tough for her and I've always been there.

She has no doubt exhausted family and friends. I think she goes around us all in turn :-(

I've been in a similar situation - the money was never for 'fun stuff' but always for bills/food etc. I eventually stopped when I realised I was funding a drugs habit and also on finding I had massively underestimated their income - we had lived on a similar amount quite comfortably with careful budgeting.

I would probably write off the money she still owes you, refuse to lend any more and also don't get involved in her finances. So when she is telling you her (self-inflicted) problems just nod and say 'yes it must be hard' etc. She may work out for herself that she just needs to manage her own money.

It sounds then, pupsie, as if she's already had a credit card or two - which all ended badly?

I don't actually know if you can get payday loans while being under an IVA or whatever. (I mean you probably shouldn't be able to but I don't know what checks they do.)

Oh - and by the way - if she's on an IVA or whatever with no remaining debts, it will mean that she's stiffed a whole bunch of creditors; and with that salary and her spending habits, you could be talking big money - £20k or £30k even. You can add that to the money she's managed to get through in recent years.

I think the whole point of payday loans is that you can get them despite horrible credit ratings which is why they charge extortionate rates of interest. Nobody with a decent credit rating would go near them.

£42K

Agreeing with most of the previous posts - you're not helping her by propping up her bank balance. I don't think she's necessarily just friends with you for money though. But maybe I'm just naïve?

If she's able to pay your monthly loans back, then she does have enough money coming in overall, she's just not budgeting well enough to last through the month. She has little incentive to budget, when she knows she can get a loan from Bank of Pupsie/others.

If your will actually go hungry without the 150 from you, honestly I'd give her enough to tide her over, 100 or whatever you can afford, and tell that you're really not able to help her financially any more. You don't have to explain yourself further that that. She'll get the hint, from the fact that it's not the full 150.

If she still wants to be your friend after that, you're right to write off the 450 you previously lent to her. You might even want to say that to her, so she doesn't have it hanging over her head. By all means, continue with the non-financial help, and if she asks, help her to budget.

Hope it works out well.

I've formed the impression that this woman would be exceptionally resistant to hints, I'm afraid. In my view, pupsie needs to stop now. No more cash.

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

If you read your posts you will see that you are being all reasonable and telling us that she really has no choice as she has troubles. Well, she does. It is simply not normal to rely on hand outs from friends in order to survive. You are simply being an enabler, you are being used. She will survive without you. You already suspect you are lending her money for fripparies, not essentials.

You are not a partner in her misfortunes - yet, but if you continue to empathise, sympathise and bail her out you will be. You are living part of her life with her. Stop it. You have your own life to live.

Think about the possibilities for YOU: What if you lend her another couple of hundred pound and find out you are £600 short of being able to afford legal fees etc for your new home? How much empathy or sympathy will you have for her then? How will your DH feel about it?

Tell her no. Do not explain. You don't owe her anything, so just say no!

But I too would suggest you mentally write off the £500. You don't need the mental anguish.

Good luck.

Agree that you are not helping her. It would be better to do as a previous poster says and say instead you will give her meat for dinner or cook for them out something, but not money.

She needs to learn she can't have EVERYTHING she wants, when she wants it. Nor can her husband sit at home and drink and not earn any money.

Reality needs to hit her.

Beer, tablets, expensive pens, expensive phone contracts are all unessesary. 42k is ample to live on especially with only one child.

Send her two things in the post

1. the Albion hall book 'your money or your life'
2. a note book for her to make a list of all her out goings

Tell her you are sending her these two items because you care deeply for her and want her to manage her finances properly. Explain you are really sorry but you don't have the money to loan her as its allocated elsewhere.

Alvin hall book sorry

Not heard from her since I sent the text this morning saying I can't lend her the money as we need it for the house. I suspect she is feeling ashamed. Yet I feel I'm the one who's in the wrong. I hate that I have been put in this situation. I wouldn't mind so much if she was on a very low income and couldn't afford the essentials. But that's clearly not the case.

I can't take her shopping/cook a meal etc. I am about 80 miles away. Otherwise I would. I guess I will just wait to see if she contacts me. And try to shake the feeling that I should feel bad for not helping.

Seriously op reading through you make it sound like she's on min wage. She's on 42k. That's double Dh what Dh earns and we have 2 kids.

It's not up to you to cover her shortfall each month. She's so used to being bailed out that she probably includes your £150 and whoever else she borrows from into her monthly budget.

You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for having it better than her. We all make our own choices.

Why do you feel like you owe her just because your dh earns more just out of curiosity?

....I suspect she is feeling ashamed. Yet I feel I'm the one who's in the wrong......

I think you're way mistaken about this, pupsie. This is not a woman who feels genuinely ashamed because if she did, she wouldn't be reacting to you, to her DF, to her PILs - to her DH even - the way she does. The fact that you're yet again making excuses for her (and, I suspect, just aching to send her another text saying how you miscalculated and you can afford a loan after all) is pretty revealing.

She's just reviewing her position, that's all, and waiting - as always - for you/someone to step into the breach.

Put the phone away and enjoy your own family. They're your main concern.

She needs to learn to budget, so that she has enough money at the end of the month. By lending her money you're just contributing to her never learning that lesson.

You're doing her a favour in the long run by not lending her the money.

I very much doubt she's feeling ashamed, you've stopped blocked her and I doubt she's not feeling more than irritated with you for not coughing up. Seriously, read through your posts again about how she treats people who say no or bring up the way she borrows and spends.

She's probably on the prowl for somebody else, or tomorrow or in a few days she'll really lay it on so you bail her out.

It does get easier to say no the more you do it, the first time is the hardest. Dont cave, its for her own good.

If I were to be concerned about anyone in this whole situation, it would be for her daughter.

No no no, she is definitely not feeling ashamed, trust me. If she was she would have repayed you £450 long time ago. I bet she is pissed off with you and feeling very sorry for herself in the exeptional circumstances none of you lot, living in a cloud coocoo land can understand

She sounds very spoilt, very entitled and a manipulator.