To tell friend how I feel about lending money

[pupsiecola]

My best friend has asked me for a loan to see her through until pay day (150 quid). This has happened about 6 times in the last 12. We also leant her 500 quid 2 years ago. Last month she paid back 50. The rest is outstanding. I know other people have leant them a lot of money too.

Her DH has MH issues. She has a really really tough life. She works full-time and has a DD. They have struggled financially since he had a breakdown around 15 years ago. He's not really worked since.

She has started a relationship with someone at work who also has MH issues. I am worried about her because whilst I don't judge her (and actually think she deserves some fun and a bit of happiness) he seems to be bring far more problems than he's worth (he is single, but much much younger).

Anyway, I always lend her the money when she asks, without question. She always pays the short term stuff back. The 500 I have almost written off.

I have two issues:-

1. Since getting involved with this guy at work I feel I don't hear from her as much and it's always me who initiates contact. But I know she is very busy at work etc. and I get that friendship is give and take in terms of effort put in. Only thing here is I do feel a bit taken for granted. Eg today I wake up to a chatty (but apologetic) text asking if it's possible to borrow the 150.

1. I don't think she is careful with money. For example she bought her daughter a pen for a fiver the other week! But she bought her the same pen in a different colour a few weeks ago. She bought her man friend a funny and pointless game for 20 quid last time we were together (2 weeks ago). Now, again I try not to judge. She works hard and it's up to her what she spends her money on. But it does make me feel a bit resentful when she then doesn't have enough money to last the month.

We are in the process of buying a house. We could really do with the 450 quid back. And whilst I could lend her the 150 and probably will as I love her and don't want her to have this stress, I do feel upset and I do actually feel resentment building. I am worried I will tell her how I feel about it, and it will ruin our friendship.

WWYD please?

I really think you ought to have a long hard look at your relationship, pupsie. Sure she's instinctively got to do some 'caring' if only to keep you sweet - but what would happen if you didn't contact her?

I suspect that you have got yourself into a mother role to her and that's not good for either of you. Someone who truly 'got you' wouldn't be asking you for money and then consistently not paying you back. (Let alone going out and blowing it.) I wouldn't be at all sure whether she really cares much about you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

Just say no. You don't need to give a reason. It's your money. Might be an idea to ask about the rest of your loan after her pay day. If you feel you have to give a reason just say you buying a house and have no spare money at the moment.

dubjack I honestly don't know. I think she would be very upset and hurt.

It's hard to stop this train of thought:- I could help her, so I should. If I say I can't I'm lying to her. So it's best to say I "won't" and I won't for the reasons states in this post (pen for DD, game for loverboy, tablet for DH). I need to try to say I just can't at the moment. But I know she will then ask if we are okay. And I will find it hard to hide my true feelings. It's doomed!

That is what I need to work on.

Thank you everyone.

I hear you cozie.

It's a very difficult situation for you.

Good luck.

Why are you so scared of her?

DH and I just can't figure out where the money goes. She earns around 42k I think. She has a company car. Rent is 1k I think. She had rent paid for almost a year, and her DF leant her 8k in that year too I think. DSis lent her 2k. Plus my bits and pieces that I've leant her. She has one DD who is 10.

Her DF wrote her a letter than said they love her very much and are worried etc but they are retired and just cannot keep giving them money. He said in the letter why didn't you save some money whilst PIL were paying your rent. She was really cross that he could even thing that was a possibility and said he just doesn't live in the real world. But I was actually in agreement with her DF. She just seems completely and utterly oblivious to any of it. Which is why I think I find it hard not to speak up about how she could improve her situation. But I know it will fall on deaf ears.

dishwasher I am not scared of her. I would not want to add to her stresses because I care about her and I would not choose to lose the friendship. Although I take on board that I am not doing her any favours by constantly bailing her out, and that the friendship of late has been one sided.

That's the thing isn't it - friendships do go through stages of being one sided. We give. We take. But I must admit that lately I have been wondering where the line should be drawn in terms of the giving. I believe she should leave her DH. She would actually be a lot better off financially without him. I do think she is making a choice to stay. But that's partly financial and partly because of his MH. It would crush him.

Oh, FFS. Text her. 'We can't loan you the money. We have to save for a house. Best, xxxpupsie'

Done.

£42k with one child? She's got a gambling habit is my thought. But who cares?

She's fucking away a lot of money somewhere.

So she's not some hard up low earner, she's grabby and over spends every single month on other peoples money.

Ok. I'm gonna text her. Thanks. It has certainly helped me to have a mindset shift on the whole situation.

42k? Yes it's time to stop lending.

She's a user, pure and simple. And users always seek out people like you who will enable them to continue using. Why you're concerned about "upsetting" her is beyond me, but that's the tactic of the user, they target people pleasers.

There's really no excuse for her to be in this situation.

The way you were talking about feeling guilty for your own good circumstances and how she's hard up, I was imagining she was on £15k or something and trying to support the whole family. But £42k with rent only £1k? She should be living quite comfortably.

She's just shit with money.

I know we're getting a very distilled snapshot of the friendship here but I really don't understand what you see in her.

The affair, coupled with this behaviour with money just makes her seem selfish and entitled. Are you sure you're not just looking at her through rose tinted glasses because you've got shared history?

She's not coming across as a very nice person here.

£42K - you should be asking her for loans!!

Read this on Co-Dependent Relationships
Sound familiar - I think that your friend has a series of Co-Dep relationships with her abdicating responsibility and people rescuing her.

Just text back. Hi x haven't heard from you in ages - sorry all our money is going into the house at the moment - wish I had a spare £150 lying round. Could really do with you repaying the rest of £450 from last year actually. Must get together soon. Xxx

This!

Then if she comes back. You could then explain that a tender for 2pens in 2 weeks, games for the OM, kindles etc are frittering away her money and the loans are frittering away the goodwill of friends and family.

I could be Dishwasher. She has had some shitty cards in recent years and her home life is difficult. She is DH's carer and he is hard work. He is capable of helping out around the house etc but doesn't and she accepts that. But it's hard to kick someone when they're down.

Anyway, I texted back to say I can't do it, we need every penny for the house. She texted back to say ok. I'll leave things now and she if she gets in touch. I don't know how I will respond if she asks if everything is okay. I guess there is a good chance it will all come out!

She sounds just like my sil. She would happily take money from any & all available sources, including loans she applied for in other names - she also wasn't "allowed" credit etc following previous CCJs. She had loans from us/other family, never paid back, had bills paid for her, money given to her also worked full time with one child (yikes, IS this my sil??).

We finally cut contact when we figured she'd been through about 250k, lost two houses, two husbands, was effectively homeless & nothing to show for any of it!! She has now had to 'grow up' (ironic as she is ten years older than us!?) & realise that, that constant spending had to stop.

You are not adding to her stresses, you are taking them on yourself. She has to learn priorities & it is not your responsibility to bail her out. A simple "I can't do it". It probably was one if the hardest things to say, but ultimately she would've continued & just pulled us down along with her. Good luck.

I'd never lend to anyone who hadn't paid back previous amounts owing. I think she takes you for a bit of a sap!

I'm also thinking gambling habit.....she earns £42k, had £8k loan from her DF, £10k rent paid and £2k from her DS so she had an income of £62k in a year but has no money for food & fuel?

'No' is a complete sentence!

I'll be interested in hearing her reaction when you turn her down.

Now be prepared for the emotional blackmail text trying again. She knows you have it but that ts earmarked for something else.

Oh blimey! Reading all I got the impression your 'friend' is on minimum wage but she's on 42k! So she takes home what, around 2500 a month after taxes? After rent (900), food (500?), fuel (200?) and other things like council tax, phone bills (200?) she is left with 700 to 'survive' on? And you feel bad about not 'helping' her and going on skiing holiday which you saved for?
I'm affraid I have lost any sympathy towards her (and there wasn't much of it to start with) after finding out her earnings!

Are you generally a people pleaser? I find it very odd that you are more worried about upsetting her than being used! I would be very angry if I was you and I am generally someone who doesn't like confrontation/conflict unless it's unavoidable. She is taking the p**s and using you and to me this is a 'sackable' offence in friendship.

On £42k she should be just fine especially with a company car.

Approaching perhaps a bit. Although I can usually stand up for myself too. Maybe I have a blindspot where this friend is concerned. I am angry. I'm really angry. I want to tell her how I feel. I don't see how the friendship can survive if I do, or if I don't.