To tell friend how I feel about lending money

[pupsiecola]

My best friend has asked me for a loan to see her through until pay day (150 quid). This has happened about 6 times in the last 12. We also leant her 500 quid 2 years ago. Last month she paid back 50. The rest is outstanding. I know other people have leant them a lot of money too.

Her DH has MH issues. She has a really really tough life. She works full-time and has a DD. They have struggled financially since he had a breakdown around 15 years ago. He's not really worked since.

She has started a relationship with someone at work who also has MH issues. I am worried about her because whilst I don't judge her (and actually think she deserves some fun and a bit of happiness) he seems to be bring far more problems than he's worth (he is single, but much much younger).

Anyway, I always lend her the money when she asks, without question. She always pays the short term stuff back. The 500 I have almost written off.

I have two issues:-

1. Since getting involved with this guy at work I feel I don't hear from her as much and it's always me who initiates contact. But I know she is very busy at work etc. and I get that friendship is give and take in terms of effort put in. Only thing here is I do feel a bit taken for granted. Eg today I wake up to a chatty (but apologetic) text asking if it's possible to borrow the 150.

1. I don't think she is careful with money. For example she bought her daughter a pen for a fiver the other week! But she bought her the same pen in a different colour a few weeks ago. She bought her man friend a funny and pointless game for 20 quid last time we were together (2 weeks ago). Now, again I try not to judge. She works hard and it's up to her what she spends her money on. But it does make me feel a bit resentful when she then doesn't have enough money to last the month.

We are in the process of buying a house. We could really do with the 450 quid back. And whilst I could lend her the 150 and probably will as I love her and don't want her to have this stress, I do feel upset and I do actually feel resentment building. I am worried I will tell her how I feel about it, and it will ruin our friendship.

WWYD please?

Just ask yourself one question. When you've had less money, did you only buy what you could afford or did you look at richer friends and decide they had a duty to lend you money as it was only sitting in their bank?

They're pretty large amounts to be borrowing from someone.

If you're going to be kind and lend her the money, tell her yes, but you want £100 a week paid back until she has paid back the whole amount. No excuses, you are friends and you have gone without things to lend her the money - and then tell her that if she likes, you could give her a hand setting a budget or can direct her to a good website for that purpose.

Tell her that you love her and that you don't want to lose her, but lending her money has put unnecessary strain on your relationship and you can't keep doing it.

She needs some help, but giving her money is not the right sort of help, however you feel she "needs" it - she really needs to be able to stand on her own two feet.

Bear in mind that if it were a Wonga loan, she'd owe you about £1,000 by now......

cozie her "DM" is extremely toxic. I just meant re the drawing the line, that I've not judged over the last 5 years. I guess I was trying to justify why I feel a bit judgey now.

If she had borrowed £500 from Wonga and made no repayments for two years, she would not owe them £1000. She would owe them £900,000.

(According to money expert Martin Lewis.)

Op even now your making excuses for her. That is why she uses you, she can get away with it. What does she do for you re friendship! Or is she just your friend when she wants money!

Thanks for all the replies. Don't think I've read one that's said this is okay! So it's been great to get some perspective. I'm very grateful.

I know the money will be for fuel and food. A few times she has texted asking me for a loan and if I've not replied for a few hours she'll chase me up because she literally has no fuel/no food/nothing to give DD for packed lunch on a school trip.

Actually I've just remembered something else and now I feel pretty pissed off. She asked me to take out a loan in her name for 5k last November. This was so she could separate from DH and pay for him to live in a separate rented property. I said no I wasn't comfortable doing that because with the best will in the world if she couldn't make payments to me I would be responsible. So she asked her very wealthy sister who lent her 2k. She didn't separate from her DH. But she did buy her DD a Kindle Fire for Christmas. And 2 weeks ago she got a Samsung tablet out of her bag - she bought it for DH for Christmas!! He didn't want it so she now has it. I imagine that 2k didn't last long and didn't improve her situation as it was mean to.

We are careful with money. We chose what we spend it on. For example we only have one car because the few times we'd need two just don't justify the cost when we would rather save the money. DH is 40 next month and is having a bit of a mid life. He used to love cars and he is so torn as he would love to go buy a (secondhand) car. But he doesn't. But then we are going skiing at Christmas.

I do feel bad for my friend and about going skiing etc. I know she must think that I have no idea what it's like to struggle (although I have had plenty of that in the past). But I cannot let this go on. It's not right is it. Sorry for drip feeding to. Wasn't my intention. I just remembered about the Christmas stuff.

You are in a good financial position as you have worked hard and saved and been careful. She has not. No need to feel bad, she could be the same if she saved!

Do you have other friends, pupsie ? (I'm wondering just how much of your life is taken up with her and her needs.)

No its her problem.

I do cozie yes. And actually she lives about 1.5 hours away and because she works full time we don't see each other too often. Maybe once every 6 weeks. I've recently moved to a new area after some time overseas so it's not been the easiest of times, but I have made a couple of good local friends, and I have my old friends from where we lived before, which is about 40 minutes away. I am far more quality rather than quantity when it comes to friendships.

I actually feel pretty devastated knowing what is coming with this friendship. I want to tell her WHY I feel like this but I think that would be too hard for her to hear and would certainly end the friendship.

I have lovely friends but it wouldn't cross my mind to 'give' them £450. . Does your DH know? or have you kept it a secret from him. Did you get it in writing? If she had an ounce of morals she would at least offer to pay it back slowly. I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

I don't understand with the MN preoccupation about not judging people, why is it wrong to judge this woman. She sounds like an awfully grabby person to me.

She could always sell some of her pricey purchases to get some instant cash.

Let me tell you a short tale.

Some years back, I was living temporarily in a housing complex and coming home from work one summer evening, I was approached by a (new) neighbour who asked to borrow a fiver to buy some food. (Can you tell that it was years back? A fiver wouldn't go far these days.) I was a little taken aback because I didn't actually know the woman and I had no real spare cash but I said to her that I couldn't give her money but I could give her some tins and bread etc because I had those in the house.

She laughed, waved me off, and said 'No that's OK - I just fancied a take away and a Cally.'

If you're feeling really rotten about the DD having no lunch, offer to take her round some food. No more actual money!

Don't apologise! Just say you cannot as things are tight with saving for a house.

I wouldn't write off the £450, either.

Cripes, that is a huge sum of money!

pupsie

You see her every 6 weeks or so? And are those occasions when she needs money usually?

This is not a friendship - you're just a cashpoint with legs.

I would end the relationship on general principle.

Dick my DH does know. I would never not tell him!! He feels my pain and he doesn't want me to lend her anymore. He wrote off the 500 a long time ago.

I wondered that about selling some stuff too. Especially the tablet. She already has a smart phone and a Blackberry. And a work laptop.

About 3 months ago when I did say a couple of times that we are saving for a house etc. she did say she would pay me back 50 quid a month. She did make the first payment last month. I am assuming there won't be one this month. Things just seem hugely out of control.

cozie no the two don't seem related and actually it's mostly me who arranges to meet up. Yeah, I know, that sounds shite too doesn't it. But she works FT and I don't and I am a bit of a natural organiser. And in the past (over the 15 years we've known each other) she has been a support to me too. We've had a lot of similar life experiences and just get each other. She is not naturally a grabby person and I do feel this is driven by sheer desperation. I feel gutted that it's come to this though and I feel angry at her for not managing things better, and for putting me in this position, and for putting this strain on our friendship.

I don't think you need to apologise and try to explain why you cannot continue to lend her money. Just keep it brief and factual then change the subject. Honestly, it's her loss if she cuts you off as a friend. What are you actually getting from this friendship...not a lot, except worry and feelings of resentment which will get worse if this continues. Don't try to justify yourself or she will pull at your heart strings, just say no.

Tell her you're a bit short this month and were hoping she'd be paying back some of the earlier loans. You probably won't hear from her again.

OP I have been you in the past. I did freelance work teamed up with a friend who constantly pleaded poverty... for example: Would insist she drove to meetings (as it suited her best) but then charge me over the odds for petrol. She would also turn up for weekend long events with £10 spends resulting in me buying her lunch, dinner and drinks. One day she outright asked for a loan of £500 to see her through the summer holidays with childcare (had to be paid up front), assuring me she would pay it back weekly... they the excuses began. Yet she could manage to go out and pay her way with other people.

I am afraid she lost out in the long run as I had the contracts and took her on with me so when the friendship died I no longer wished to work with/bankroll her.

Doesn't sound like a friend, to me, and certainly not a best friend.
Asking you to take out a loan, which she probably knew she wouldn't/couldn't pay back, is not the act of a friend.
If you refuse to give her the latest money, she is demanding, and say you are still waiting on her to repay the money she owes you, what do you think will happen? Genuine question, OP. If she flounces, you will still be at the loss of the money she owes you, but getting no further demands...

Then it need to stop. Just say no.

We're 3 weeks in now and no spare cash this month because of a big unexpected cost. I have no money for ciggies aside from credit cards and I'm damned if I'm going to use those for that. So I'm vaping. I wouldn't dream of asking to borrow money.

When she gives a sobstory about food, take round some food and packed lunch stuff for her kid if it will help but on no account give her money.

Seriously, she'll either pick herself up or more likely sponge of someone else. This will never stop.

Having read through your updates, I don't think that you're doing her any favours lending her the money - and nor is her sister.

I can understand why she would want free money at Christmas to keep up with her sister/family buying expensive gifts and I would have been upset with her asking me to take a loan for her.

I would not write off the debt, and would ask her to set up a standing order so that it comes out on her pay day.

Definitely no more loans. She needs to learn to budget and to live within her means. If she owes you, her friend, £500 - I wonder what other debts she has. It must feel like the walls are closing in on her some days, but as much as you care about her, it's not your problem.