To tell DH that we ARE getting a cleaner - no excuses anymore.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm going to cut a long story very short

I have suggested getting a cleaner to my DH numerous times because I'm absolutely sick of everything being left to me. He will sometimes really surprise me and go on a cleaning frenzy but it is very, very rare. I'd say of the day-to-day stuff it's usually all left to me. The only job he seems to think doing is the hoovering and even the. I have to ask him to do it.

He's somewhere between the 'not seeing mess' kind of guy and the guy who just can't be arsed. I'm just tired of it.

Whenever I have suggested a cleaner he has always said we don't need one, we aren't paying out for someone to clean the house when we can do it ourselves. I find it very ironic that he uses the word 'we' in this sentence. He makes empty promises about how he will help, blah, blah, blah, but nothing gets done. His favourite sentences are, "I will do it later." and "I will do it tomorrow." I'm tired of nagging him and fighting over it.

We have an 11 week old DS and when I was pregnant I told him that thongs would have to change when the baby came - but despite his assurances nothing has. I'm sick of looking at a dirty, messy house and feeling like it's down to me to sort it. Whenever DS is asleep I find myself doing housework, I never get any time off and I'm sick of it.

So I have decided that enough identify. I don't care how much it costs, all I know is that things have to change. I'm not doing it anymore!!

I will be ringing the company later to arrange a free valuation of our cleaning costs (for a one off big clean and also a regular thing) and DH is just going to have to like it! Decision has been made as far as I'm concerned!

Slightly worried about how lazy I might feel if I have people cleaning my house whilst I'm chilling out and watching the TV though....

Well, I mean people like us in that, you know, DP and I both come from council estates - not many had cleaners round my neck of the wood.

scallop - I completely agree with you, but After years of trying I have come to accept that I can't force DH to use a bit more initiative

The problem in our relationship with regards to the cleaning is my resentment and that will hopefully disappear if we have a Cleaner as although my DH still isn't doing any of the major jobs, nor am I

puppy - I have 2 friends who live near us and they get a woman in to do their ironing, so from a social circle angle I must be allowed a cleaner

I went to one of my Baby Groups earlier and got chatting to one of the other moms and she was telling me all about her Cleaner - she was a very posh lady though, not like me

There is a lot of guilt attached to getting a cleaner. I know, I feel it myself. It is a complicated mix of

1. Women (not peoplr, women) have kept a clean house for generations. Why can't I especially with all the labour saving gadgets?

1. I can't employ someone to do this for me. How ridiculously middle class of me. How can I watch other people work?

I still feel the guilt but I have a cleaner. I remind myself

1. I don't have to justify to anyone how I spend the money I work bloody hard for and that I manage.

1. I would rather spend my limited time off with mu husband and daughters than cleaning.

1. My very modern, lovely husband, who views me as his equal in every way, isn't worrying about the sodding cleaning so why am I? Why am I whipping myself about it?

As my beloved mum says there are no medals given out for making life difficult for yourself!

We had a cleaner when I had dtds (also had toddler in the house). She was amazing. Once dd1 started school we changed it from once a week to once a fortnight. Now dtds are a bit older and money a bit tighter we don't have one but once they start school and I can work more hours we are having a cleaner at least once a fortnight. This is non negotiable and dh knows it. I hate house work all being on me, plus working, plus childcare. I love time with dc, enjoy my job, so housework is the one to let someone else do :)

Forgot to say. A friend commented we must be loaded once but when I pointed out she and her dh drank wine every night and dh and I don't so it's basically instead of alcohol she seemed to shut up.

Agree with patten, one child and home all day leaves plenty of time to look after the house. Some work full time, parent and still manage it.

I'd not be happy to be at work all day earning and paying a cleaner as my partner didn't fancy doing it despite being home all day.

I doubt if a man posted he wanted his wife to pay for a cleaner as he didn't want to do anything whilst being a SAHD he would be told "of course you should go ahead".

Well, I hope that it's me mis-interpreting your situation rather than you being very naive, Writer, but what you describe sounds very worrying to me. Housework sucks, very few people actually enjoy it, but most of us manage to do what needs doing. Your DH, on the other hand, while capable when he really has no choice like when you had your C-section, is actively choosing to avoid doing all housework pretty much all the rest of the time, because he knows you will do it.

You say that's not true and he just puts it off. But you know why I think he puts it off? Because he knows you will do it!. He just says he will do it to stop you asking for a while.

He feels so strongly that he shouldn't be doing the housework (ie, that it's not his responsibility) that he is prepared to sleep in a separate bedroom over it. He is even prepared to lose you over it (you say his parents have warned him, and you have warned him, but he doesn't care).

That tells me that he either has so very little respect for you that he doesn't mind losing you as long as he isn't expected to do the dishes, or that he hates housework so much that he is prepared to lose you over it.

Cleaners only come once a week. Laundry still needs doing, dinner needs cooking, dishes need washing, tidying up needs doing daily. I have a feeling you're going to find that a cleaner is not quite the solution you were hoping for.

I'm lucky that DH does the cooking 75% of the time - he's far better at it than I am

We don't sleep in separate bedrooms, we just have separate bathrooms

I know the cleaner won't be the magic answer but it will certainly relieve a lot of the pressure and a lot of the arguments.

Sorry, I mis-read that bit then, I though you said you had separate bedrooms.

It might come to that if he doesn't start picking his clothes up

Writer this has NOTHING to do with gender.

Why can you not understand this?

If I was a woman who worked in a full-time job and my healthy dh was being a sah dad to our healthy baby, I would blooming well expect him to do the vast majority of the housework.

I second the idea that if a man posted what you had written he would be told that it was only right that he did the vast majority of the drudgery around the home as he was there all day and to do it while the baby sleeps.

This is not to say all the housework; the woman would be expected to do a bit at weekends of course.

You do come across as entitled. Woman work outside the home, have children AND do a bit of housework on top (though not all of it, of course)

And, FWIW, what happened in the past is now irrelevant. Anyway, I agreed with you that when you were both working full-time, it should have been 50/50.

What do you want to do while baby sleeps?
I mean really how LONG does it take to clean a house top-to-bottom. Even if uber fussy, 6 hours a week and perhaps then an hour or two for washing-up, laundry and meal making a day.

Hardly a lot, is it? Two hours a day?

I know a lot of people here have cleaners but they tend to work full-time outside the home and have dc's so it's justified then.

Nothing against having a cleaner in and of itself.

So he works full time as a teacher and does 75% of the cooking and you still want a cleaner?

Fairy - anyone can have a cleaner. It's not your decision, it's the OP's.

Patjen, and if the baby DOESN'T sleep? What then?

When does OP do the two hours a day?

I had a cleaner before I had a DH so that bits been easy for us

The guilt and embarrassment disappears very quickly when you see how fabulous they are and your time is freed up.

However I look at my DH and know we would have had ginormous rows if the cleaner hadn't existed already, and the sense of disappointment in DH that I'd had to nag and then we'd got a cleaner because he didn't respect me enough to pull his weight...

Honestly that's a load of bullshit. People have hated cleaning since the dawn of time. It's why posh people had servants and less posh people made women do it - because it's boring, thankless, repetitive work. I know some women love cleaning but I bet they'd like having other opportunities more.

Give up the guilt and disappointment and enjoy your new cleaner and your marriage. Oh and if I was on mat leave, the cleaner would keep coming.

i don't have children but have a cleaner

The baby is bound to sleep some time, LtEveDallas, it's unbelievable, really, that she wants to get a cleaner in her circumstances.

Does she work full-time? No. If she did I'd be like 'yeah get a cleaner'

Is she or baby ill/disabled in some way? Thankfully, no. If she/baby ill, I'd still be like, 'yeah of course get a cleaner'.

But none of the above seem to apply.

So basically she is a sahp to a healthy baby and is essentially complaining that she doesn't want to do a full house clean that, what, takes 6 hours tops a week and surely that is ALL it takes?

The rest of the time is probably laundry and dishes and taking the bins out once a week now how long does that take? I'm assuming she has a washing machine and perhaps a dishwasher, so I am guessing 2 hours a day tops

She doesn't even cook for 3/4 of the time.

What if her dh wants other opportunities instead of working full-time as a teacher? Should he just quit?

I'd ignore the naysayers who seem to be in a minority of 2!

We have a cleaner who comes once a week for 2 hours and blitzes the place leaving me free to lie peacefully in the sun on my swinging hammock and read my kindle whilst sipping tea.

Everyone is happy.

The baby is bound to sleep some time, LtEveDallas, it's unbelievable, really, that she wants to get a cleaner in her circumstances
Read OPs posts again then. Baby sleeps for 90 minutes during the day. He gets up between 4-5am and goes down again at 10pm.

Funky Remind me where I said "Writer, you can not have a cleaner!"
Oh, that's right, I didn't!

If you want a cleaner (and can afford it) - have one, that's fine.

However what amazes me is that you put up with this situation for four years and presumably it was a joint decision to have a child together - and only now are you seething with rage. Didn't it occur to you in the first couple of weeks of marriage that your DH's attitude to housework was going to be a massive issue ?