To tell DH that we ARE getting a cleaner - no excuses anymore.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm going to cut a long story very short

I have suggested getting a cleaner to my DH numerous times because I'm absolutely sick of everything being left to me. He will sometimes really surprise me and go on a cleaning frenzy but it is very, very rare. I'd say of the day-to-day stuff it's usually all left to me. The only job he seems to think doing is the hoovering and even the. I have to ask him to do it.

He's somewhere between the 'not seeing mess' kind of guy and the guy who just can't be arsed. I'm just tired of it.

Whenever I have suggested a cleaner he has always said we don't need one, we aren't paying out for someone to clean the house when we can do it ourselves. I find it very ironic that he uses the word 'we' in this sentence. He makes empty promises about how he will help, blah, blah, blah, but nothing gets done. His favourite sentences are, "I will do it later." and "I will do it tomorrow." I'm tired of nagging him and fighting over it.

We have an 11 week old DS and when I was pregnant I told him that thongs would have to change when the baby came - but despite his assurances nothing has. I'm sick of looking at a dirty, messy house and feeling like it's down to me to sort it. Whenever DS is asleep I find myself doing housework, I never get any time off and I'm sick of it.

So I have decided that enough identify. I don't care how much it costs, all I know is that things have to change. I'm not doing it anymore!!

I will be ringing the company later to arrange a free valuation of our cleaning costs (for a one off big clean and also a regular thing) and DH is just going to have to like it! Decision has been made as far as I'm concerned!

Slightly worried about how lazy I might feel if I have people cleaning my house whilst I'm chilling out and watching the TV though....

Sorry annie - your post made me choke on my chip

Yeah but you had a reasonable point when you were both working full-time, I get that.

But now you are not so the situation has changed.

As for the why should I attitude, well, you know, he could take the attitude of why he should go out to work, too.

I mean early starts, having to be at work at a certain time and doing his job, I mean why should he, right?

You seem to want to make this into a woman's work issue; really that's just a red herring: if a woman had a job and her healthy husband who was a stay at home dad who looked after their healthy child, I think that she'd have the right to demand her dh did the bulk of the cleaning, too.

You asked for opinions so that is mine: if I were your dh, I'd be peed off.

We have had a cleaner for 20 years.

I don't feel guilty.

Even when one of us has been out of work or I was on maternity we prioritised paying a cleaner over other luxuries.

I don't like cleaning.

My cleaner likes having a job. All her alternatives involve minimum wage. We pay more and are nice.

She does an extra half hour per week to iron DHs shirts.

Win for everyone.

So what you're saying is that for 4 years he has basically done f*ck all and left everything thing to me but now that I'm on Maternity his attitude is now allowed?

You think it is fine for him to be pissed off that I'm not doing all the housework that he never ever done?

FWiW - my DH is a teacher and when he is off he still does f*ck all and I'd come in from work and still have to start doing all the housework.

All I have ever asked for is 50/50 and he has NEVER done anything but give me empty promises.

You may be happy to clean up after your man and absolve him from doing anything to keep the house tidy - the house he jointly lives in and messes up - then fair enough. Most women these days aren't.

If my DH ever told me that as a SAHP I should be doing all the housework I'd pack my bags and leave whilst sticking my fingers up at him and calling him a sexist, lazy, chauvinistic tosser!!

Thankfully - he would never dare say it!

i say this on all these threads, but when i'm paying for a cleaner i'm not just paying for the cleaning to be done, i'm paying not to have to THINK about the cleaning (as is dp obviously). so we're not spending our limited free time feeling guilty about not doing cleaning jobs. also other household jobs get done more promptly because we don't have to prioritise general cleaning tasks in the time we ahve

Tbh I don't know how you could stay with a man that shows you so little respect. For 4 years he has expected you to clean up after him. Getting a cleaner is only masking the true problem.

If as you say you are 'managing' the household stuff that means you can delegate jobs and that of course means getting a cleaner
Make sure it's a joint expense though not coming out of your account
Nothing wrong with it at all!

I'm puzzled, Writerwannabe83

You say "If my DH ever told me that as a SAHP I should be doing all the housework I'd pack my bags and leave whilst sticking my fingers up at him and calling him a sexist, lazy, chauvinistic tosser!!"

But while he hasn't actually told you that in so many words, since he leaves all the work to you, he obviously thinks that you should be doing it. I fail to see the difference.

stonefree - When I was pregnant I did nearly walk out. I was absolutely fuming with him over the state of the kitchen, I had never been so angry! I started cleaning it at 3am and it took me the best part of an hour and then I went to sleep in the spare room (I feared I would have killed him if I'd gone back to our bedroom) and I just lay there plotting as to how I was going to leave him.

We had yet another talk after that and I said that I can't live like this anymore. He promised me things would be different once the baby arrives - but it isn't.

The thing that annoys me is that I know he can do it! When I had my CS he was absolutely brilliant, I didn't have to lift a finger. He did all the housework, all the cleaning, all the cooking attended to the pets, kept on top of the washing etc etc - I barely recognised him. But as the weeks passed and I started to recover he seemed to think that now I was back on my feet he can stop bothering.

He will do things but only if I tell him what to do. It's a joke.
He honestly has no common sense when it comes to doing things around the house.

Like I said, his parents have warned him that he'll lose me of he doesn't buck his ideas up....and to be honest, there's only so much I can take.

He isn't going to change, I have accepted that now.
It's either a cleaner or a divorce - and I know which is cheaper

not expect to fork out for a cleaner when he could easily do the housework while baby was asleep

Patjen, did you read my post? Trying to do it all when my incredible non sleeping baby was asleep led me to the brink. If I hadn't started hallucinating I think that I would probably be dead now.

There is no such thing as one rule suits all and its pretty arrogant of you to think you know better than the OP that is living her life.

annie - it's really hard to explain. It's not like he thinks I should be doing it and that the housework is my job, it's more a case of him knowing he has to do stuff but just can't be bothered because he doesn't like doing it.

He will just put things off so that 5 days later he still hasn't done what I've asked or what he's said he will do - and then I'm a nag because I have to ask him about it again.

If start washing up he will say, "Leave it, I'll do it," - but he never ever does.

If he asks me what needs doing around the house, I will tell him and ask him to do something specifically but he doesn't. He forgets apparently...

We have separate bathrooms now because I refuse to share wit him. I'm going to tell the Cleaners not to do his bathroom He is obviously happy to have such a vile, dirty bathroom so it can stay that way!

ltevedallas - you are completely right. My baby sleeps for about 90 minutes a day and in that time I'm trying to get myself something to eat as well as do the housework. It's knackering. From when DS is first up at 4-5am until he sleeps at 10pm I am on the go constantly.

I hate the fact that the only 'me time' I get is when DS is asleep but I can't even have that time to relax, there's always something that needs doing.

DH on the other hand gets up at 7, goes to work, comes home at 4-5pm, watches a bit of TV, goes the gym, maybe visits his mates etc etc.

I know which one of us has the raw deal!

If you can afford it, do it.

Just go for it, if you can afford it. As others have said, having someone in to clean doesn't mean that you do no housework on top of that. I have to clean the kitchen, floors and so tons on washing every day as I have small messy kids. I just think how much a cleaner costs (£10 an hour) and it's so worth it for the benefit it brings. Some people would spend that on drinks in an evening but I know which I would prefer!

I'm hoping we can afford it, lol - I will be interested to see what the valuation is next week.

I'm trying to think what my upper limit would be

LOL at "thongs would have to change"

Totally agree if you can afford it do it comments. I wish I'd employed one when DD was small with terrible colic and I got flu for the first time ever through being so bloody run down. My early memories of DD as a baby are colic, exhaustion and endless cooking and cleaning for all of DHs relatives.

My DP was very reluctant to get a cleaner at 1st because of security concerns and just feeling like people like us shouldn't have a cleaner. but I finally found a great one and he soon realised she was worth her weight in gold and we both could just forget about the cleaning and get on with stuff.

Beware though having a cleaner doesn't mean you never do any tidying or clearing up so he'll still need to pull his finger out a bit.

"People like us shouldn't have a cleaner"

What kind of people are you??

I just want to make sure it is ok for a person like me to have one

Writerwannabee - is he unputdownable as well? DD was. God, when I look back at those first 4 months I am amazed we survived. In the midst of my worst time I managed to slice my finger to the bone trying to cut an onion, with DD tied to my chest in a sarong (didn't know about slings)...I must have fainted, then fallen asleep. DH came through the door to find me on the kitchen floor with DD, both fast asleep, me bleeding like a stuck pig. I still have no feeling in that fingertip.

No wonder I have an only child...

(but oh God she was worth it, please don't think she wasn't)

Do it and don't feel guilty! Remember, it is his share of the cleaning that is getting paid for, as I'm sure you'll still be doing plenty.

I am pregnant and knackered and my dp is working really long hours so is is doing bugger all around the house, so he has offered to get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. Seeing as him and his dog make by far the most mess and dirt in the house, and if they weren't here the cleaning would be manageable (I know, I was a lp for several years) I think it's only fair, and he's paying!

OP - get a cleaner. It will be the best thing you have ever done.

Early on in our relationship, I decided that I wasn't going to skivvy after DH and that I was getting a cleaner. I'm no slattern, but got fed up of cleaning/tidying an ancient rambling farmhouse that is heated by wood burning stoves.

Now my cleaners come once a week and blitz the place and I stay on top of it. my hoover now comes out once a month maybe It's much easier, I'm not resentful of DH not doing anything, nor am I stressed about keeping the place clean, because I know it is blitzed once a week.

Getting a cleaner isn't solving the problem though, which is that your DH thinks it is OK to leave the responsibility of the housework to you.

The problem is his attitude, not the housework.

Ps we don't have a lot of cash, we are on one income as I am student and my dp is not a high earner, but it's a priority for us at the moment. You could easily spend £20-30 down the pub or whatever. I don't think it's a massive expense unless you're totally skint.