To tell DH that we ARE getting a cleaner - no excuses anymore.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm going to cut a long story very short

I have suggested getting a cleaner to my DH numerous times because I'm absolutely sick of everything being left to me. He will sometimes really surprise me and go on a cleaning frenzy but it is very, very rare. I'd say of the day-to-day stuff it's usually all left to me. The only job he seems to think doing is the hoovering and even the. I have to ask him to do it.

He's somewhere between the 'not seeing mess' kind of guy and the guy who just can't be arsed. I'm just tired of it.

Whenever I have suggested a cleaner he has always said we don't need one, we aren't paying out for someone to clean the house when we can do it ourselves. I find it very ironic that he uses the word 'we' in this sentence. He makes empty promises about how he will help, blah, blah, blah, but nothing gets done. His favourite sentences are, "I will do it later." and "I will do it tomorrow." I'm tired of nagging him and fighting over it.

We have an 11 week old DS and when I was pregnant I told him that thongs would have to change when the baby came - but despite his assurances nothing has. I'm sick of looking at a dirty, messy house and feeling like it's down to me to sort it. Whenever DS is asleep I find myself doing housework, I never get any time off and I'm sick of it.

So I have decided that enough identify. I don't care how much it costs, all I know is that things have to change. I'm not doing it anymore!!

I will be ringing the company later to arrange a free valuation of our cleaning costs (for a one off big clean and also a regular thing) and DH is just going to have to like it! Decision has been made as far as I'm concerned!

Slightly worried about how lazy I might feel if I have people cleaning my house whilst I'm chilling out and watching the TV though....

What patjen said!

Haha, good one patjen

If you can get someone who's been recommended to you... I was in roughly the same position, DP disagreed with cleaners on principal (though he does help out a lot round the house) so when DD was born and the place had become a midden, I booked an agency cleaner, thought sod the cost & that DP would come round to it once he came home to spotless, sparkling flat. Cleaner turned up, didn't speak a word of English, we had to converse by pointing, I was feeding / soothing 10 week old and didn't keep an eye on her - long & the short she did a shit job (but really polished all the mirrors so on first glance it all looked great), left early and I was too preoccupied to notice properly til afterwards. So the plan totally backfired and I'm even less likely to get a cleaner now, lots of "I told you so"s from DP

Well done op.

Love the conversation with you h.

FunkyBoldRibena Two hours, once a fortnight - 12 pounds an hour.

I would need a cleaner way more than just two hours a fortnight! I hoover and wipe down the bathroom every other day and do a full clean (bathroom, dusting, hoovering) once a week. I do like a nice clean house and this is probably a bit overboard but I can't imagine going two weeks without cleaning it!

TheFairyCaravan well yeah that's how I feel about it.

Don't get me wrong; you know if people are BOTH working full-time and have a baby to look after, too, then, yeah, get a cleaner.

Or if, sadly, baby is ill in some way, then get one too.

But the op has asked for opinions and well, looking after a healthy baby AND cleaning seems like something sahms have managed for years.

The only disclaimer is that if opening poster is somehow ill, too, in this case, I would say get a cleaner.

But, you know, otherwise, do it yourself. Lol.

Life's too short to spend it cleaning the same s--t day in day out. If you can outsource it why not. All these countless of women of the past may have wished they had this choice too.

Sorry patjen, I disagree.

My situation was slightly different as I was very ill after the birth of my baby and my recovery took a long time.

However. I don't want to derail this thread into a debate about SAHM but we have a very strange double standard in our society. We don't recognise childcare as 'work' when it's conducted by a parent in the home but we are willing to pay professional childcare providers large sums of money, more than many people's mortgage repayments, to look after our children. If the cost is affordable to the OP then why shouldn't she outsource the cleaning of her home?

OP, I'm glad it's sorted.

And I kind of agree with what patjen said...

If you were both working and you'd done the sums and decided you could easily afford it, I'd say YANBU. It would be good for your marriage.

But fairly early on in your mat leave, at home with a baby, you've decided to do it whether you can afford it or not. YABU. Most people I know with cleaners did without on mat leave, partly to save ££ but also to avoid the intrusion and tidying commitments.

You're just getting over the newborn days, things are about to get a lot easier with the baby, and children only get more expensive as they get older. If you're going back to work, wait until then. If you're not going back, I think DH gets a vote in the decision.

Having said that some people do not mind cleaning as much and so they'd rather spend their money elsewhere. I know of a few people who LOVE cleaning - can't quite get my head round that one but hey.

My healthy young baby woke for feeding every 1Hr30 for the first 4 months of her life. I made myself ill trying to be superwoman, getting everything done, making meals, on top of looking after her and trying to have "quality time" with DH when he got home from work...when I hadn't slept more than 1HR30 in one stretch.

What I should have been doing of course was sleeping every time the baby slept.

I started hallucinating. Thank God I did, because it got me some help.

If OP wants a cleaner, if OP can afford a cleaner, OP should get a cleaner.

But patjen, even if a mother has more time at home and is taking on the bulk of the cleaning, and managing to do so perfectly capably, but her DP isn't pulling his weight when he's home it will still cause resentment which can easily be cured by employing a cleaner.

While I was a SAHM, my DH accepted without me every saying anything to him that my job was looking after the DC. On days when I managed to get cleaning done too, great. Other days, the DC were up to the nonsense that children find so amusing and the house would look like a bomb had hit it by the time DH got home. And so once the DC were in bed we would clean together. But he always did his share when he was home (until I went back to work, as I mentioned upthread).

It sounds like the OP's DP is not doing his share, and is quite happy to bask in the reflected glory of her hard labour by saying things like "we can manage to keep it clean".

For whatever reason, if she's not happy with the balance of labour and can afford a cleaner, WTAF should she make a martyr of herself and carry on doing all the work and feeling resentful?

Thousands of women since time began have also grown their own food and washed their laundry in streams. That doesn't mean women today who chose an easier way of doing things to spend more time with their DC are wrong or lazy, now does it?

If you want to do the cleaning while you're home, feel free. But why should any adult human being of either gender do it when they really don't want to and can afford to pay someone else, just because some other people think they should for dubious reasons of "that's what women at home should do"?

Patjen I found it easier to get the cleaning done when I was working full time than I did when I was a SAHM with an 11 week old baby.

patjen - you come and live with my husband and then tell me we don't need a cleaner

The issue here's that he does theabsolutemi imu. He can get away with. We have been together now for over 4 years and he has never ever changed. When we both worked full time everything was still left to me - it certainly wasn't like he did his fair share.

And now I off on Mat Leave it seems he thinks he can get away with doing even less. It's not on!

I'm not his personal domestic slave and never will be.

I have give him chance after chance to improve his ways and do his fair share of the cleaning and he has let me down every time.

Well I'm fed up of his attitude now, enough really is enough.

Cleaning is not 'woman's work' and I barely find time to eat these days let alone clean the bathrooms!

That's supposed to say that he does the absolute minimum

Oh OP go ahead and get that cleaner! Our babies are the same age by the way, I think DS is a couple of days older than your boy, hope you're enjoying the gurgling and the cooing!

I've had a cleaner for ages, ever since we got our first big dog - I decided it was only fair given my DH refused to clean a toilet. If he ain't doin it, I'm not gonna!! And quite frankly, dog hair means lots of sweeping and it was getting out of hand!

And after the birth of DS2, I upped her hours to part time housekeeping, she's does all the cleaning and I've added in laundry as well which is an amazing help, especially since I went from doing 2 loads a week to about 5!! Seems to be calming down a bit now though and the day she's here I use it to do grocery shopping and errands.

Frankly life is too short to be cleaning. I've only got 17 weeks maternity so I plan to spend all the time I can talking nonsense to my baby, drinking coffee with friends and reading by the pool.

I don't think you'll regret getting a cleaner and you'll be able to relax far more!

I'm not saying her dh should do nothing at all; just that as a -seemingly healthy mother of a seemingly healthy baby who is not working outside the home, it seems reasonable for her to do the bulk of the housework.

If I were her dh -or not to be accused of sexism the dw- whose partner thought that I had to pitch in and do the bulk of the housework as well as working in a job I'd be miffed.

Basically if I had a stayathome husband who was healthy and he looked after our healthy baby, I'd damned well expect him to do the vast majority of the housework and not expect to fork out for a cleaner when he could easily do the housework while baby was asleep.

This myth that healthy babies require constant attention is just nonsense.

YANBU, it'll be some of the best money you've ever spent! I've had a cleaner for short periods (end of pregnancy knackeredness and end of phd when I didn't have any time), I'm looking forward to starting work in a few months just so I've got an excuse to have one again.

And what about the previous 4 years of our relationship patjen - was it ok then for everything to be left to me too?

Maybe I'd be more open to be doing everything as a SAHP if he'd been doing his fair share previously. But he never has.

Strokethefurrywall "If he ain't doin it, I'm not gonna!!"

Exactly my philosophy. If DH reserves the right to refuse to clean a toilet, so do it! No way should be job default to the other partner (usually the woman) because one person doesn't do it.

Exactly stroke and lobster - that is EXACTLY it!

I am not a lobster.

HAROLD: I would need a cleaner way more than just two hours a fortnight! I hoover and wipe down the bathroom every other day and do a full clean (bathroom, dusting, hoovering) once a week. I do like a nice clean house and this is probably a bit overboard but I can't imagine going two weeks without cleaning it!

I used to let her do the basics and I'd just top up when needed. No offence, as I am a gardener and always out and about [and regularly muddy] but I'd never dream of spending all that time cleaning. A good clean once a fortnight with most used areas topped up in between is more than enough for me.