To tell DH that we ARE getting a cleaner - no excuses anymore.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm going to cut a long story very short

I have suggested getting a cleaner to my DH numerous times because I'm absolutely sick of everything being left to me. He will sometimes really surprise me and go on a cleaning frenzy but it is very, very rare. I'd say of the day-to-day stuff it's usually all left to me. The only job he seems to think doing is the hoovering and even the. I have to ask him to do it.

He's somewhere between the 'not seeing mess' kind of guy and the guy who just can't be arsed. I'm just tired of it.

Whenever I have suggested a cleaner he has always said we don't need one, we aren't paying out for someone to clean the house when we can do it ourselves. I find it very ironic that he uses the word 'we' in this sentence. He makes empty promises about how he will help, blah, blah, blah, but nothing gets done. His favourite sentences are, "I will do it later." and "I will do it tomorrow." I'm tired of nagging him and fighting over it.

We have an 11 week old DS and when I was pregnant I told him that thongs would have to change when the baby came - but despite his assurances nothing has. I'm sick of looking at a dirty, messy house and feeling like it's down to me to sort it. Whenever DS is asleep I find myself doing housework, I never get any time off and I'm sick of it.

So I have decided that enough identify. I don't care how much it costs, all I know is that things have to change. I'm not doing it anymore!!

I will be ringing the company later to arrange a free valuation of our cleaning costs (for a one off big clean and also a regular thing) and DH is just going to have to like it! Decision has been made as far as I'm concerned!

Slightly worried about how lazy I might feel if I have people cleaning my house whilst I'm chilling out and watching the TV though....

JellyStrawberries,

She wont answer you, I asked the same earlier on. Patjen knows she's wrong so cannot provide an answer to that one.

The cleaning is just symptomatic of a bigger problem; he doesn't listen to her and that can be very wearing. So you know, it's not nuts to suggest that people break up because of a dirty pile of dishes.

I do agree with this. I think I would have left him by now if he was my DH, but the OP wants to try other ways to resolve their issues at the moment and if getting a cleaner gives her a break then she should go for it.

Patjen, you said yourself YOU had a cleaner, when all you were doing was working one full time job and looking after one kid. Hardly developing-world style backbreaking labour. So why is it it ok for you but not anyone else?

"Well I feel she should be doing the bulk of the housework now"

But you haven't explained why she should. You've given an opinion that it is physically possible for her to do it, but surely that is not a basis for saying someone "should" do something - simply because they physically can?

Good point, lteve. There is another thread about what people did in the first week after birth and I felt sad every time I read 'housework'. Yes, life goes on when you have a baby but it doesn't mean you can't take a bit of time to relax and enjoy it. It's a shame when women feel they have to cope with everything and, as in your case, it can be so damaging.

If you stopped being so blinkered for a minute and actually read what Patjen is saying, you'd see she is talking sense.

Having a cleaner won't make your husband know where the spare bedding is kept, he still won't know where the muslins are, the washing up still won't be done. You're always going to have a minging George Foreman grill and a filthy microwave.

If he's as filthy and as messy as you say he is the cleaner will be in one day and by day two or three it will be back to normal.

Well DS fell asleep so I went downstairs to start cleaning the kitchen. As I looked around at all the mess I started getting angry and upset and unfortunately my DH chose that moment to ring to see how I was. I just started crying and telling him how bloody exhausted I am and the last thing I want to be doing is cleaning the kitchen, sweeping and mopping the kitchen and hallway floors, sorting out all the washing, doing the polishing and cleaning the bathroom because my friends are coming round!! He went very quiet. He then apologised and told me to just do the minimum and he'd do the rest when he comes home. He said he's sorry and he knows he should stop leaving everything to me. Like I haven't heard that before...

I started doing the cleaning and 10 minutes later DS woke up.

Oh mate, I am sorry. I hope seeing your friends lifts you a bit.

Get the cleaner, get it now and get it for a couple of times a week, not just once.

Then rest. As much as you can, rest.

Thinking of you.

Thanks evedallas

But I have a news flash!!

I was sitting upstairs feeding DS when I hear the front door go and it's my DH! He said he couldn't bear to hear me so upset so as he has two free periods he has come home to help me with the cleaning I absolutely couldn't believe it.

He told me that he knows DS is my 'job' during the day and that we should be sharing the cleaning. He apologised again and said he shouldn't have gone out last night and left it for me.

So he sent me back upstairs and he absolutely blitzed the kitchen and cleaned the downstairs toilet too.

I'm still in shock

Well, it's a good job you decided against divorce then :)

great.

make sure you are not overly grateful IYSWIM

Yes, I can theoretically clean my own house, I just don't want to. If you want a cleaner and can afford a cleaner then get one, just like you would do with any other service.

Oh and in our case, DH is a SAHD with one, healthy baby. We still have a cleaner. There's plenty to do whine DS sleeps and if on some days there isn't, I think even a SAHP deserves a coffee break.

Great update OP. Just the fact that he called in the day to see how you were made me think he's actually a good bloke, and now I'm impressed!

(I wonder if he's banking 'good husband points' because its the world cup and wants to watch it all the ruddy time. Or is that just my husband?!)

Good for your DH to step up when he realised how upset you were.

We have a cleaner because both of us hated housework and DH said it wasn't my job, it was both our jobs (as we both make the mess) and if we both hated it lets get a cleaner. So we did.

Maybe you could do as I do with my DH, who has the usual mens hobbies which take up spare time when he's not at work. He has to set aside a few hours at the weekend and I give him a list with very specific tasks on like you maybe would a child or an employee.

I find this is the only thing that works with my DH and then he knows exactly what to do. It does mean though he still doesn't do the day to day stuff much but at least he does some stuff.

Cleaning and housework aside, he is a really good bloke.

He rings twice a day to see how we are, he's the one who does the weekly shopping and will always pop to the local shop when I'm in desperate need of Paracetamol or teabags or makes a quick dash to the chip shop when I fancy a treat. He also always brings me a cup of tea in the morning before he goes to work in the morning and a few slices of toast.

He's a fantastic husband - the cleaning/housework is his only fault. Hence why I'm not divorcing him just over that

ust do it to make our life easier and lesson the resentment. Deal with husband when you go back to work.

I was a Sahm with a live in maid for a few years and life was ridiculously easy, alas it is just a distant memory now. I can just imagine Patjen's head blowing up at the very thought.

"PatjenI wanted to ask, what about healthy babies who:1. Only catnap in the day?2. Only sleep in someone's arms?3. Don't sleep well at night, leaving the mother exhausted?"

Those babies don't exist you know - oh wait, yes they do though you forgot hanging off your boob for most of the day.

We are all messy bastards and have a menagerie. We have live in help but out habits have rubbed off and now she ignores the dog hair etc as well. I work offshore regularly so value her more than I can say and what's a few dog/cat hairs/feathers between friends? Glad the ops partner sounds nice

Definitely get a cleaner! You will not regret it and he will be happier if you aren't on at him all the time. My DH was like this, he is so good at helping out with other stuff (cooking, always sorts out kids, puts them to bed etc) but when it comes to cleaning he just doesn't 'see' mess. I'm not excusing him as I still think he is perfectly capable of cleaning however just getting a cleaner sorted it out. I'm happy, he's happy, house is clean. If you can afford it go for it. An agency charges roughly £10 an hour here, private cleaner between £8-10 (I'm in the North).

My mother used to have a cleaner three days a week because my dad didn't do anything around the house apart from some DIY. They have been happily married for nearly 50 years so obviously a cleaner can solve the problem if you are married to someone who doesn't do much (or any) housework.

In reply to Patjen and those of her/his ilk; I could, theoretically, have 22 children. Because I am female and that's what we do. But I won't. Because I choose to control my fertility and my life, therefore my earning power and my children's quality of life, and coincidentally my husband's.
I could, also, choose to spend hours of my day cleaning (none of my my mess you understand but my offspring and my Dhaka).

Again, I choose not to, because I earn enough to pay someone else to do it and I accept I have worked hard to get to this point and am happy to spend my precious free time doing other more enjoyable things.
I will not apologise for this and yes, patients, your tone and posts are inherently sexist as research, anecdotes, and reality tell us the vast VAST majority of chores are done by women. If there's a tribe of dads at home doing housework (and I am talking about a significant number) then please let us know.
The last time I checked, all floors in this house and all my neighbours were mopped by those ole reliable, women.

Husband! Not Dhaka.