Text message "banter" apparently

[hmmmm01]

Hi all. Could really do with another opinion or two on this. My husband (38) works with amongst others, a young-ish lad, 21, who sent my husband a pic of the girl he's been seeing a few times to his work phone with the caption "nice ay?" My husband replied "nice. is she dirty?" and the lad's reply was "quite, v flexible she did gymnastics. had a pierced nipple too". My husband then put "did u get a pic of that?" and he replied "no, but I will" to which my husband said "do it!" Now apparently "do it" is a reference to a clip from Starsky & Hutch with Ben Stiller which he's been saying at work- looked it up on youtube this morning, and it is a big clip. There have been trust issues between us before, although we are fine at the mo- but old habits die hard and I can't help looking on his phone from time to time. Not because I actively don't trust him but but more out of nosey-ness. I know this isn't ideal...
When I asked him about it he went mad and said I was over reacting and it was just lads banter. I know he does get on well with this lad who looks up to him. He says he never expected him to reply about the nipple, and has admitted that if this lad goes on to send a pic of that, he knows I wouldn't like that. But still says "do it!" wasn't effectively asking for a picture. Am I over reacting?

Pianodoodle- I wasn't getting at you- I understand why you raised it but that's why I wanted to clarify her age earlier, as I didn't want that aspect getting out of hand. That is (the age thing) ironically one of the main things my husband has since said he realises now is/ was quite bad about the whole thing (before anyone says it- that's not the only thing he thinks was bad). But the age thing wasn't the only thing that people picked up on and commented on wrongly- I can't remember now and haven't got the energy to go back through 170odd comments, but there were several things written in the comments that I was thinking "well that's not what I said in the OP" as I read them... my point just being, judgemental comments are all well and good when you're in full possession of all the correct facts- but that's v rarely the case with something like a thread on here. Anyway, off track a bit. I'm off to hopefully get a better night's sleep tonight.

What a fucking disgusting pig.

It's not even about how it's made you feel.

It's about him seeing this young woman as something to objectify. I say thing because it sounds like he doesn't even see her as a person.

I would love to think he'd be sacked for such inappropriate relations with an employee.

Pig. Utter, utter pig.

Hope you sleep better for having told him how you feel.

Not an easy thing to give advice on other than you were right to be cross!

Oh and I'm sorry but he's not a great dad.

If he has sons he will teach them to be just as vile as he is. If he has daughters well, enough said.

Grim. Your DH started this seedy little exchange by asking "is she dirty". Can't even imagine my DP asking something like that or being so crass. Lads banter like this is awful.

Ny dh commented on a facebook update about half dressed young pretty female models. His comments were not as bad as a lot of the others but kept showing up on my newsfeed, as well as my parents, siblings and ds1.

I went batshit crazy and nearly ended my 16yr marriage. I found it incredibly disrespectful. He chose to stop going on facebook.
I had told him that if he wanted to look at these images (permission had obviously been given as they were modelled shots) then I had no complaints. I have single friend who comments on a male equivalent which I admire but dont comment on. The comments had to stop.
If he did what your dh has then it would be endgame.

Your name isn't Lawrence Jones by any chance?

No.

If that's the kind of thing that every man says then I'm going to become a lesbian. Or a Nun.

Sorry but he sounds like a sleazy creep.

And so does other guy.

"Is she dirty?"

Eugh.

If that's the kind of thing that every man says then I'm going to become a lesbian. Or a Nun.

No need for that objection. I think we all know that not all men are like that and that it's just a myth perpetuated by the misogynists to make themselves feel better.

No, not all men say things like that. At all.

Every relationship is different, what's acceptable in some isn't in others.

This obviously makes you feel uncomfortable (I would be furious if my partner did this... he did once :( ), which is unacceptable so you aren't over reacting.

WITH that in mind, ask yourself why it makes you feel uncomfortable and try to understand it better. It has more potential to be a more eye opening conversation rather than just asking him not to do it again.

For me it wasn't even the idea that he liked the girl or wanted to see a picture, but the humiliation of saying it to someone else. It didn't help that I and his friends don't have a good relationship, so I was more vulnerable to the feeling of being slighted/disrespected. For you it might be different.

Men use access to women's bodies as a way to score points, bond with each other and established social hierarchies

He's using his girlfriends body as a commodity to buy favour with a more senior man

Of course men are only joking when they talk about sleeping with each other's wives and daughters, that's besides the point. Jokes are not random...the things we joke about reveal much about us.

In this case the joke rests on the belief that men own and control access to women and as such are able to treat women as commodities that they can trade for their own benefit.