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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Text message "banter" apparently

190 replies

hmmmm01 · 10/06/2014 08:08

Hi all. Could really do with another opinion or two on this. My husband (38) works with amongst others, a young-ish lad, 21, who sent my husband a pic of the girl he's been seeing a few times to his work phone with the caption "nice ay?" My husband replied "nice. is she dirty?" and the lad's reply was "quite, v flexible she did gymnastics. had a pierced nipple too". My husband then put "did u get a pic of that?" and he replied "no, but I will" to which my husband said "do it!" Now apparently "do it" is a reference to a clip from Starsky & Hutch with Ben Stiller which he's been saying at work- looked it up on youtube this morning, and it is a big clip. There have been trust issues between us before, although we are fine at the mo- but old habits die hard and I can't help looking on his phone from time to time. Not because I actively don't trust him but but more out of nosey-ness. I know this isn't ideal...
When I asked him about it he went mad and said I was over reacting and it was just lads banter. I know he does get on well with this lad who looks up to him. He says he never expected him to reply about the nipple, and has admitted that if this lad goes on to send a pic of that, he knows I wouldn't like that. But still says "do it!" wasn't effectively asking for a picture. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
bigdog888 · 10/06/2014 09:55

Wowbigdog, I assume you are single?

No, but thanks for the offer

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2014 09:55

Standard blokey banter! Every single man I know is like this - it's just how we are!

I think you may be speaking for yourself here.

I don't (thankfully) know any men like that.

Foul.

firesidechat · 10/06/2014 09:56

Yes. It's his phone. His mate.

I sent a perfectly filthy comment about David beckhams body to my friend 5 mins ago.

'Twas just a joke.

Really thebody? This isn't the same though is it? It's not a random celebrity who makes his money from showing off his body, it's the young man's new girlfriend and is hugely disrespectful to her and the OP. I can't imagine my husband ever having such a conversation because he just wouldn't and if he did i wouldn't feel the same about him ever again.

bigdog888 · 10/06/2014 09:59

I don't (thankfully) know any men like that

I bet you do!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/06/2014 09:59

To be honest I couldn't be with someone who had this sort of attitude towards women. I presume the young lass doesn't know that photos of her are being passed around. Sad

I take it he is fine when someone is doing this to his daughter?

If he was involved in a racist conversation would he dismiss this as banter.

Call it what it is, misogyny.

pictish · 10/06/2014 09:59

Do none of you trash talk with your friends ever?

VitoCorleone · 10/06/2014 09:59

No, but thanks for the offer

Grin haha

Guitargirl · 10/06/2014 10:00

Bigdog - do you seriously have 'banter' with your friends about shagging their daughters? Seriously? You're lucky you haven't been punched in the face.

pianodoodle · 10/06/2014 10:00

Call it what it is, misogyny.

Yep.

peggyundercrackers · 10/06/2014 10:03

im surprised how many people here think other men or their men don't talk like that - im sure if the OP hadn't have read the txt she wouldn't have thought her DH spoke like that. it happens - they do it behind your backs - open your eyes FFS... just because you ask your DH/OH?DP whatever and they say "oh no dear I wouldn't say that or behave like" that means that's what they do... same as porn - too many people on here believe their DH/OH/DP doesn't look at it - sorry but 99.9% of blokes do look at it if it is available...

firesidechat · 10/06/2014 10:03

Sorry I meant every single man as in all of them not their relationship status. In my experience, which spans a seriously wide cross section, all men have this kind of banter - but that's all it is. It's not representative of their actual views but just for jokes. It's inappropriateness is why it's funny just like the whole shagging each other's mothers/daughters/wives banter. Everyone involved accepts that it's not serious.

Well be very thankful that you don't know my husband because he would shoot your oh so well thought out theory down in flames. I don't think he's the only one either.

annielouise · 10/06/2014 10:03

All of that would be a deal breaker for me but then I probably would have left years before we even got as far as child number 3 if he's like that. Yes, he wanted to see a picture of his little pal's girlfriend's pierced nipple. Why does a 38 year old want to hang around with 21 year old twats? probably because he is one himself, sorry.

bigdog888 · 10/06/2014 10:06

Bigdog - do you seriously have 'banter' with your friends about shagging their daughters? Seriously?

All the time! It's just for jokes though, everyone involved knows the score and gives as good as they get - it's very clearly not true. This sort of banter happens with friends, family, colleagues, senior managers. In fact every man I've ever met loves a bit of banter but it's understood that it doesn't reflect their true beliefs.

ViviPru · 10/06/2014 10:07

Do none of you trash talk with your friends ever?

There may be some words of ahem admiration of Bradley Cooper now and then among the private FB chats I have with a group of girlfriends, but I can honestly say there has never been inquiries as to the dirtiness or lack thereof of anyone's actual real-life love interest nor requests for photographic evidence of their body parts, joking or otherwise... Confused

AnyFucker · 10/06/2014 10:08

What is the point then, big dog, if it doesn't reflect true beliefs ?

If I joked with my mate about shagging her son, she would very justifiably give me a very wide berth

firesidechat · 10/06/2014 10:08

bigdog, I would suggest that you get some new friends, but on second thoughts I think you should all stick together in your unpleasant little enclave.

I strongly suspect that your just trying to push some buttons though, so not worth my time.

peggyundercrackers · 10/06/2014 10:08

guitargirl ive got friends, who as a couple, was out with a crowd of people and there was someone joking he was going to shag their daughter up the arse and he was asking both friends, mother and father, if their daughter took it up the arse - I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

ive got a DD and fully expect this kind of behaviour from other people - its pretty dire really.

ViviPru · 10/06/2014 10:08

urgh female friends not girlfriends.

ViviPru · 10/06/2014 10:09

If I joked with my mate about shagging her son, she would very justifiably give me a very wide berth Grin

pictish · 10/06/2014 10:09

It's inappropriateness is why it's funny just like the whole shagging each other's mothers/daughters/wives banter.

Confused

Nope...think that's just you and your mates dog...certainly the men I know wouldn't dream of crossing that line to someone's face.

And don't bother your arse telling me that I just don't know what men are really like... I know my social group better than you, and you may take it from me, the men do not make jokes in person about shagging one another's daughters.

Standinginline · 10/06/2014 10:10

Whilst what he's doing is pretty twattish ,is it him trying to recapture his youth and trying to impress the lad ? I'd go mental so not down playing it but maybe he'l doesn't want to be seen as a boring old fart. I dont know ,as I said ,I'd be livid.

bigdog888 · 10/06/2014 10:10

Well be very thankful that you don't know my husband*

I am, he sounds like a right joyless wet blanket. I bet he feels extremely left out when he's with just his male friends. Although unless you're with him in a 100% male environment I guess you'll never know.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/06/2014 10:11

All the time! It's just for jokes though, everyone involved knows the score and gives as good as they get - it's very clearly not true. This sort of banter happens with friends, family, colleagues, senior managers. In fact every man I've ever met loves a bit of banter but it's understood that it doesn't reflect their true beliefs.

Doesn't make it right. You are part of the problem. Do you also have racist conversations?

Misogyny is wrong and it damages everybody. It's also the default setting for our society. Sad

firesidechat · 10/06/2014 10:12

peggy honestly, get some new friends, and fast. I've never heard anyone, ever talk like that. It's vile.

bigdog888 · 10/06/2014 10:13

Nope...think that's just you and your matesdog

Whilst I appreciate that I choose my own mates this goes much further than that. If it was just my friends I could accept your argument but I meet a large cross section through no choice of my own.