Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Text message "banter" apparently

190 replies

hmmmm01 · 10/06/2014 08:08

Hi all. Could really do with another opinion or two on this. My husband (38) works with amongst others, a young-ish lad, 21, who sent my husband a pic of the girl he's been seeing a few times to his work phone with the caption "nice ay?" My husband replied "nice. is she dirty?" and the lad's reply was "quite, v flexible she did gymnastics. had a pierced nipple too". My husband then put "did u get a pic of that?" and he replied "no, but I will" to which my husband said "do it!" Now apparently "do it" is a reference to a clip from Starsky & Hutch with Ben Stiller which he's been saying at work- looked it up on youtube this morning, and it is a big clip. There have been trust issues between us before, although we are fine at the mo- but old habits die hard and I can't help looking on his phone from time to time. Not because I actively don't trust him but but more out of nosey-ness. I know this isn't ideal...
When I asked him about it he went mad and said I was over reacting and it was just lads banter. I know he does get on well with this lad who looks up to him. He says he never expected him to reply about the nipple, and has admitted that if this lad goes on to send a pic of that, he knows I wouldn't like that. But still says "do it!" wasn't effectively asking for a picture. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
pictish · 10/06/2014 10:14

Although unless you're with him in a 100% male environment I guess you'll never know.

Ha ha Grin

dog - we know everything...

annielouise · 10/06/2014 10:15

agree with fireside - I don't move in circles where anyone would ever talk like that about someone's child - or anyone really, but someone's child (even if an adult)? I could not hang around with people like that. I think you need new friends peggy

caruthers · 10/06/2014 10:15

Bigdog is making an excellent point that sexual banter is a big part of male conversation.

But I would think talk about humping Daughters could end up with fat lips all round.

Guitargirl · 10/06/2014 10:15

Bigdog - do you have a daughter?

firesidechat · 10/06/2014 10:16

I am, he sounds like a right joyless wet blanket. I bet he feels extremely left out when he's with just his male friends. Although unless you're with him in a 100% male environment I guess you'll never know.

Awww, bless. You're just trying too hard now. Give it a rest.

pictish · 10/06/2014 10:18

I have no delusions as to how the craic goes, but I'd-take-your-daughter-up the-arse? Yes...that's a visit to the dentist.

bigdog888 · 10/06/2014 10:19

What is the point then, big dog, if it doesn't reflect true beliefs ?

Purely for a laugh, because it's so wrong.

PomeralLights · 10/06/2014 10:19

bigdog sigh, yes let's all perpetuate the idea that all men are the same, after all all women like housework don't they ~boak. All the men you banter with appreciate it, apparently, it's irrelevant how true that is as I doubt you know every man in the country.

Like annie said it's weird that's he's so keen to banter with a 21 yr old isn't it? On his work phone? Is he senior to this guy at work? I would find his cavalier attitude to talking unprofessionally like this on his work phone as disturbing as the misogyny, he sounds immature.

Is he panicking about baby and wondering how he got here from the 'fun' 21 year old this bloke maybe reminds him of? It's also really wearing being in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you - he may be struggling more than he realises with the trust issues you mention. It's no excuse for his behaviour but it sounds like a bit of escapism. I'm sorry I don't have any solutions :( can't help feeling it won't help to be mad at him. maybe just chat to him about how you are both feeling and if there's anything that can be improved?

cheeseandpineapple · 10/06/2014 10:20

There's banter and a bit of finbar saunders type innuendo which can be puerile but benign and then there's a complete breach of trust and disrespect for a young woman's privacy, she probably has no idea that her "boyfriend" is circulating naked photos of her to his colleagues and your H is encouraging this.

Do you have daughters? Ask him to imagine it is pictures of his daughter being circulated and some dirty old man, old enough to be her father is asking for them.

QisforQcumber · 10/06/2014 10:21

OP send a picture of his flaccid cock to his mate and remind him its just for the "lolz" and the "banter".

Stupid people have stupid conversations.

annielouise · 10/06/2014 10:22

I think that's a great idea QisforQcumber - why not? It might get the message home to him.

bigdog888 · 10/06/2014 10:22

You're just trying too hard now

To do what exactly? Prove that most women are utterly deluded as to what their OHs get up to when with the lads? It's harmless banter. It happens. Get over it. I won't explain any further - some of you might actually explode!

caruthers · 10/06/2014 10:23

Sometimes women don't think men know that they talk like miners too sometimes.

I used to work in a machine shop and the machinists put my army mates to shame.

VitoCorleone · 10/06/2014 10:25

He sounds like a right joyless wet blanket

Bigdog you are actually quite funny Grin

pictish · 10/06/2014 10:27

dog is it really beyond your comprehension that men are all different, and not the same? Can you even conceive of that notion?
I don't toil with it, but perhaps you do.

peggyundercrackers · 10/06/2014 10:27

the person asking about taking their daughter up the arse isn't a friend of mine, he was a friend of someone elses who was there but I gues my point is it goes on and what OP has described isn't a "one-off"

annielouise · 10/06/2014 10:31

It's definitely the circles you move in. If the talk was along those lines I wouldn't stay in those circles. That doesn't make me a prude but that kind of banter is just vile and I don't want to hear it or associate with people that find stuff like that acceptable or funny. OP to me it's something that a 14 year old would say to a mate, not a 38 year old father of 3 to a 21 year old. He just sounds uneducated, uncouth and sleezy.

pictish · 10/06/2014 10:33

I'm simply trying to convey that not all men welcome banter that objectifies their wives and daughters as wank fodder for their grubby old mates.

annielouise · 10/06/2014 10:33

Peggy the type of bbq's I go to if someone said something like that there would be a shocked silence. I don't think they'd be invited back. personally if I'd heard it and thought others there found that talk acceptable I'd be off. Life's too short to hang around with vile people like that.

TeacakeEater · 10/06/2014 10:34

Surely a few encounters with humanity tells us there are all sorts of people who think in different ways.

My DH told me about some "banter" a passing acquaintance at work (drunk though!) shared with him and he was appalled BUT this bloke will remain oblivious to my DH's feelings on the matter, as DH is (far too) polite. Sleazy colleague will always think of himself as Jack-the-lad and assume all the other blokes are jealous (or if they express disgust "wet blankets") Hey ho!

Stupid people have stupid conversations sums it up.

bigdog888 · 10/06/2014 10:38

pictish of course not all men are the same but I can only go on experience. I assume you're female? (I apologise if not) I can therefore surmise that I have 100% more experience than you do of banter within all-male groups.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/06/2014 10:38

I wonder where op went.

It's a shame some people cannot see how damaging misogyny is. I can only assume that they also condone racism and think that's also just "banter".

Milmingebag · 10/06/2014 10:40

Anyone on here justifying the OP husband's behaviour has serious boundary issues.

It is not acceptable to probe someone on intimate aspects of their lives or encourage this especially when/if you are a senior collegue. It's exploitative to the younger person who may feel pressured to over share to 'fit in'. As an older man he is sending out the message that women are objects and can be exploited for gratification.

Asking for details and then photographic evidence are the actions of a perverted creep. It also reeks of misogyny.

I think your husband is vile.

A good man would have told the younger one that he didn't need to know about his personal life and bantered around this.

pictish · 10/06/2014 10:41

It's a poor husband and father that considers his loved ones fair game for a laughing stock.
Having been with my husband for 18 years, I know what he would make of that.

He works in a very male dominated environment and sometimes comes home with tales of the banter.

I know how he feels about it.

QisforQcumber · 10/06/2014 10:43

Annie what's good for the goose right?

Pictish Its much easier to believe that everyone operates on the same level that you do. Makes your own personality a little more palatable.