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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Text message "banter" apparently

190 replies

hmmmm01 · 10/06/2014 08:08

Hi all. Could really do with another opinion or two on this. My husband (38) works with amongst others, a young-ish lad, 21, who sent my husband a pic of the girl he's been seeing a few times to his work phone with the caption "nice ay?" My husband replied "nice. is she dirty?" and the lad's reply was "quite, v flexible she did gymnastics. had a pierced nipple too". My husband then put "did u get a pic of that?" and he replied "no, but I will" to which my husband said "do it!" Now apparently "do it" is a reference to a clip from Starsky & Hutch with Ben Stiller which he's been saying at work- looked it up on youtube this morning, and it is a big clip. There have been trust issues between us before, although we are fine at the mo- but old habits die hard and I can't help looking on his phone from time to time. Not because I actively don't trust him but but more out of nosey-ness. I know this isn't ideal...
When I asked him about it he went mad and said I was over reacting and it was just lads banter. I know he does get on well with this lad who looks up to him. He says he never expected him to reply about the nipple, and has admitted that if this lad goes on to send a pic of that, he knows I wouldn't like that. But still says "do it!" wasn't effectively asking for a picture. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 10/06/2014 13:19

Or rather, would you find it less of a banter if she was under 18?

If so why?

wowfudge · 10/06/2014 13:29

Having read the thread I can only hope that the young woman who has been the subject of this disgusting, leering behaviour has realised that her beau is a knob and dumped him.

normalishdude · 10/06/2014 13:31

I said no such thing at all. Please understand that I'm not going to engage in pointless 'straw man' debates with you.

pianodoodle · 10/06/2014 13:34

Fine. What part of the OP is it you disagree with?

CPtart · 10/06/2014 13:46

I'd be more worried you're onto your third child with a man with whom you have "trust issues".

canweseethebunnies · 10/06/2014 13:51

I completely agree that many people of both sexes engage in a degree of inappropriate sexual 'banter', but 'is she dirty?'...what does that even mean???

It is a pathetically immature and disrespectful thing to say, and I would expect it from a teenager, who was probably a virgin, not a grown man!

And he obviously thinks it's ok to solicit non-consensual explicit photos of his friends girlfriends. How do you know he doesn't send this twat pictures of you OP?

Vile.

Original poster
hmmmm01 · 10/06/2014 14:03

He has no pics of me! I've never wanted to send pics on a phone to him or anyone else in the past, not my thing. And I don't have trust issues with him now (or didn't...) those were in the past. For the record, and I think I said this in the OP I do trust him- he's a great Dad and for the most part a great husband (no one is perfect). But this obviously has upset me.

OP posts:
canweseethebunnies · 10/06/2014 14:07

Well that's good.

I don't think it shows any evidence of cheating though, for what it's worth.

PrincessTeacake · 10/06/2014 17:47

Let me filter this banter through MRA speak:

Workmate: Hey OPH, look at this woman I managed to attract! She has pierced nipples like you see on porn stars! That means she's wild and sexually uninhibited! I'm such an alpha male!

OPH: As a fellow alpha male, I am deeply impressed and jealous because my woman is too busy rearing my children and being pregnant to give me the kind of wild sex I am owed as an alpha male. Can I share in the spoils of your conquest, brother?

minipie · 10/06/2014 17:54

Ugh.

I don't think this shows evidence of cheating. I think your DH sounds like a twat though. His texts sound like something I'd expect from Stiffler in American Pie. Not a 38 year old husband and father.

gordyslovesheep · 10/06/2014 17:56

Princess you forgot

Alpha male - get her to let you take a private nude shot of her then share it with everyone, without her mission, so they can turn her into wank fodder!

utterly vile - all men are NOT like this - not at all

gordyslovesheep · 10/06/2014 17:57

permission - I lost a 'per' then!

pianodoodle · 10/06/2014 18:01

I said no such thing at all. Please understand that I'm not going to engage in pointless 'straw man' debates with you.

Your name isn't Lawrence Jones by any chance? Grin

annielouise · 10/06/2014 18:37

What would also concern me is if your DH is allowed to talk about a mate's GF like that are his mates allowed to talk about you like that? I'd be worried what's being said about me. Where does the line get drawn? Is your mother up for discussion in an older woman/cougar way, is your young neice if you have one also up for speculation is she dirty? Is this 21 year old going to be mates with your DH for years to come in the future? If so when your teen DD if you have one has her mates round is he going to be commenting on them to your DH? Where does it end if there are no boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour. Sorry but your DH is immature and he's 38! Astounding. I couldn't be with him.

emotionsecho · 10/06/2014 18:41

Ugh, the "is she dirty" comment is just vile. It reminds me of the twat from Sky Sports asking Jamie Redknapp if he 'smashed it'. The body language and look of cringing embarrassment on the faces of Jamie Redknapp and the other two guests spoke volumes, not all men do this, and a lot of men despise men that do.

I can imagine what my DH would do to someone who spoke about our DD like that and it wouldn't be pretty, heaven help them if they made any of the other disgusting comments on this thread.

OP I would be a whole lot more than 'upset'.

Amilionmilesaway · 10/06/2014 18:52

Just the use of the word "banter" marks someone out as somone I wouldn't associate with, let alone "is she dirty?". Urgh.

specialmagiclady · 10/06/2014 19:31

I was brought up among men and this is absolutely the sort of shite they talk when left alone (or with just that tomboyish little sister).
You can find it even among older men in certain workplaces/distinguished golf clubs.

They don't think it does any harm because "they don't mean it" and it's obviously a joke.

I, however, think it does matter, just as racist jokes matter. I really don't think women discuss men in the same way: "I'd sit on that Bradley Cooper's face til he turned blue and stopped breathing" etc not regularly heard (even if we would...)

Much men's sexual "banter" revolves around possession (give us a go on your bird - as we have here) and non-consensual sex acts. Can you imagine the 21 year old is going to say "d'you mind if I send your nipple pic to my boss?"

I think you should call him on it, but be prepared to be rebuffed!

pianodoodle · 10/06/2014 19:53

Much men's sexual "banter" revolves around possession

True - I don't tend to nudge fellow females on their way home from the bar with a man and say "give him one from me"

Maybe I should just to see how that pans out?!

KeepOnPloddingOn · 10/06/2014 20:12

Not on. I would be livid with dh.

Whiskwarrior · 10/06/2014 20:14

My ex (note the word ex) once relayed to me that he and his boss had been having a good old laugh about how when I was alone at home his boss would come to the house and give me a right good seeing to.

I was 27, his boss was well into his 50s and repulsive. Oh, and this was while I was at home with newborn daughter.

This was not a one-off comment either. It went on for weeks. And my ex thought it was all extremely funny.

Me, not so fucking much.

parentalunit · 10/06/2014 20:15

Sorry OP your husband sounds rather unpleasant.

Sleazy and disrespectful of your husband. How would he feel if that was his daughter?

I think you're under-reacting. I would ask my husband not to be such an ungodly twat say or do such things ever again.

Original poster
hmmmm01 · 10/06/2014 20:54

We have talked, finally. I appreciate everyone's comments (well nearly everyone's). Posting on here was always going to get a certain reaction I think. And fairly so- to a point. However I do know my husband and I know what he is like, and so I think a lot of what's been suggested here is OTT. This is not me defending him- he's acknowledged what he did was wrong, and he knows how it's made me feel, and he is sorry. I'm simply saying it's v easy for people who don't know him, or me, to make quick judgements when actually lots of you mentioned things which weren't what I stated in my OP, and some went completely OTT (the potential paedophile comments not warranted in any way for example- completely different kettle of fish). But the comments have made me view things from different angles and that was helpful. I'm still not happy as I can't just "forget" what's happened, sadly, so I don't think it's a issue which is just going to disappear overnight. But thank you to all who commented anyway.

OP posts:
ChickenMe · 10/06/2014 21:03

I work with men (I'm the only female) and some of them do talk like that. It's not very respectful and is a bit gross but not the end of the world. I can be crude sometimes too. You pick your audience.

pianodoodle · 10/06/2014 21:40

actually lots of you mentioned things which weren't what I stated in my OP, and some went completely OTT (the potential paedophile comments not warranted in any way for example- completely different kettle of fish).

I was the one who brought up the subject of age (I at no point said potential paedophile that was a subsequent poster).

The reason being, as the age of the girl wasn't given in the OP, but the boyfriend is 21, potentially the girl could under 18 in that situation.

I don't think it was OTT to point that out simply because it turned out not to be the case but there you go.

PhaedraIsMyName · 10/06/2014 21:51

I haven't read all of the replies but your husband and his friend are vile.

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