Text message "banter" apparently

[hmmmm01]

Hi all. Could really do with another opinion or two on this. My husband (38) works with amongst others, a young-ish lad, 21, who sent my husband a pic of the girl he's been seeing a few times to his work phone with the caption "nice ay?" My husband replied "nice. is she dirty?" and the lad's reply was "quite, v flexible she did gymnastics. had a pierced nipple too". My husband then put "did u get a pic of that?" and he replied "no, but I will" to which my husband said "do it!" Now apparently "do it" is a reference to a clip from Starsky & Hutch with Ben Stiller which he's been saying at work- looked it up on youtube this morning, and it is a big clip. There have been trust issues between us before, although we are fine at the mo- but old habits die hard and I can't help looking on his phone from time to time. Not because I actively don't trust him but but more out of nosey-ness. I know this isn't ideal...
When I asked him about it he went mad and said I was over reacting and it was just lads banter. I know he does get on well with this lad who looks up to him. He says he never expected him to reply about the nipple, and has admitted that if this lad goes on to send a pic of that, he knows I wouldn't like that. But still says "do it!" wasn't effectively asking for a picture. Am I over reacting?

bigdog you might have more experience of banter within all male groups but it sounds like a very low-level group intelligence wise. Not all men are like this. I worked for 20 years in a male dominated industry. I went drinking with certain groups for years. I heard a lot of banter and within certain circles it did go along those lines but other circles no, it really depended on the man, his age, and other factors. The ones talking no-holds barred were younger, less educated on the whole.

annielouise if someone said it at a bbq then yes my friends would react the same as yours however in a noisy pub with 100 or so people in it, music on at nearly midnight not a lot of people are sensible nor can they hear very much... this wasn't recent either - this was about 5 or 6 years ago - maybe more. its stuck in my head though because I couldn't believe someone said it.

I also think the majority of men will talk like this, at least to some extent. I don't doubt that some men will be more leery than others, but I think all men look at women in a physical way and talk about it - don't they think about sex every 7 seconds, or something ridiculous like that?

My DH told me about some "banter" a passing acquaintance at work (drunk though!) shared with him and he was appalled BUT this bloke will remain oblivious to my DH's feelings on the matter, as DH is (far too) polite.

Good point. Just because the majority of the group are thinking "haha silly twat with his casual misogyny. Wish he'd shut up so I can hear the commentator" yet CBA pulling you him up on it, doesn't mean that they willingly actively participate or initiate this kind of "banter". Thus giving the likes of BigDog the impression that it is endemic.

I think inadequate men feel the need to behave like this

and thick chumps

Absolutely pathetic from a man who is nearly 40.

It'd be one thing if your husband had just replied, 'Not bad! ;)' or something. But 'Is she dirty?' FFS.

And yes, of course he wanted to see the nipple ring.

As for the stories of men talking dirty about each others' daughters - no way is that normal/common. I've worked in VERY male-dominated environments, both blue- and white-collar, and any man who'd started that would be risking a punching.

The answer is to raise your expectations of people and not simply accept "this is the way some people are so its fine"

Raise your expectations and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Until more women (and men) stop allowing themselves to be convinced that misogyny and lack of respect is "banter" then people like the OP's husband would gradually become a joke.

"don't they think about sex every 7 seconds"
Did you read that in Mizz?

And how do you look at men? Or are visual delights the privilege of the male species. Men and women respond to visual stimuli (erotic or otherwise) in much the same way. The difference is that men are more vocal about how stimulated they are. I believe its called bravado......

peggy if some bloke (whether friend, or friend of a friend) was talking like this within my circle they would be frozen out pretty comprehensively

not acceptable, nor is it to stand by while shit like that is perpetuated

what needs to happen though is not the "joyless women who can't take a joke" to make a stand against it, but the weak men who go along with it because they are too chickenshit to put their head above the parapet

Your husband sounds like an immature bellend tbh. The fact that this other bellend 'looks up to him' says it all really.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

sounds like a very low-level group intelligence

From a friendship circle point of view you couldn't be further from the truth. Think doctors, engineers, solicitors, bankers and company directors/entrepreneurs. Professionally a wider mix from all sorts of backgrounds but generally intelligent, you don't tend to get people of low intelligence in my industry.

There are different types of intelligence.

bigdog There is a difference between book smarts and emotional intelligence. Some of the smartest people I know have the social skills of a used condom.

Yes, I really believe you bigdog doctors and engineers and solicitors and banker and company directors and entrepreneurs - very believable - not.

Qcumber last research I heard about showed women to be more reactive than men!

Koala: long ago I worked in an overwhelmingly male and mostly working class workspace and had no trouble, in fact a lot of kindness and humour.

I think some of the younger generation have lost the plot tbh. (Going out walk with my zimmer now!)

I think your DH definitely did want to see the pic - It is not just 'lads banter' and I also think you do not trust him at all - Checking his phone is not nosiness - its because you don't trust him. I don't blame you - He doesn't sound trustworthy.

annielouse he is a butty man

Teacake Another case of "those who shout the loudest" eh?

Yes, I really believe you bigdog

Believe what you like - why would I lie?

Think doctors, engineers, solicitors, bankers and company directors/entrepreneurs.

Lolll

Real cute.

Anyhoo...much as I'd love to stay and continue talking to a brick wall, I must collect my daughter from nursery.
Dh can't wait till she's old enough to be included in the banter.

Or you know....not.

Back to the op, both are revolting and Dp (24 so 'lad' age ) has succinctly described them both as 'twats'.

That said I do know very very few men that talk like that and thankfully they stick to other like minded frat boys. And that attitude seems to be growing out as our uni friends are getting older.

A lot of overcompensating from certain inadequate quarters is in evidence.

bigdog you've sidestepped the question of whether racist 'joking' is also 'just banter'. Also I find it odd that you have a specific way of talking for when you're only with men? I understand that some 'groups' banter in certain ways that others don't get (I'm an accountant, and there are lots of lame accountancy/tax specific jokes that others wouldn't understand, believe me, the days fly by) and I know a football team with loads of in jokes.

But I'm struggling to see how 'men' is a distinct group? Surely being a man is just too common, and men vary so much as a group, that 100% man conversation can't be that different to 100% person conversation. Sorry I just don't see it - what about the gay men you know, do they equally join in the banter, and you're ok with them joking about shagging your son? The religious men who don't believe in sex outside of marriage, do they join in because everyone knows they don't mean it? Or are you willing to admit your social circle isn't as wide as you are insisting, in which case, your personal experience isn't sufficient to draw wide reaching conclusions, right?

bigdog - well you'd lie to prove a point obviously only lying is more readily believed when it's not overdone. What is your industry that spans knowing people from all those walks of life if you don't mind me asking? To be honest it sounds like a group of men that are in a group of something unsavoury - any judges in the your circle?

glad pictish and milmingebag picked up on the list of high end industry workers too. No vicars in your circle bigdog? Or priests? Estate agents and headteachers missing too. And what about actuaries?