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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not hold the baby?

392 replies

trufflesnout · 08/06/2014 20:43

I don't think I was BU, but since I made a new mother look wounded today, I'm wondering if I was unreasonable or if she was being precious it was definitely her.

I was visiting a relative who has just happened to give birth recently. I'm not maternal at all and don't particularly enjoy being around small children (apart from my own daughter, who is perfect, obviously) but I don't tend to announce it to people since whenever I have I've been viewed as odd at best.

Even though the visit wasn't all about the baby, I paid the small pink loud thing a compliment or two for the mother's sake, as I thought it would be polite to do so since it had pretty much just emerged from her body. I think I must have shot myself in the foot with the two counts of prompted, generic praise, as at one point in the visit she asked if I would like to hold the baby.

I said politely and with a smile, "oh, no thank you".

She looked at me like I had just caved its face in with a toothpick. The conversation moved in and she didn't offer again thank God.

Was I horrendously rude in declining the offer to hold her baby?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
14
HabitualLurker · 09/06/2014 09:07

Oh OP, you made me laugh.

I'm quite bewildered by the posters mortally offended by her reference to the baby as a small pink thing. Since when was that rude? Never affectionately said 'oh you poor thing' to anyone?

And as for the previous poster diagnosing attachment disorder.. oh blimey. Because she doesn't much care for babies? Well, I've read it all now..

PhaedraIsMyName · 09/06/2014 09:11

Oh for goodness sake. There was nothing rude about saying "no thank you".

I always decline this offer. I think I add the worried about wobbly head excuse, especially if the offer is pressed. (" oh are you sure? - yes I'm sure)

The 3 posters above are hysterical. The post was exaggerated for comic effect, but really is not a crime to be uninterested in other people's babies.

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 09/06/2014 09:12

*YANBU to refuse but I think you have a possible attachment problem. You may love your daughter but I can't see that someone who speaks about babies the way you do, can have meaningful attachment to children even your own.

But please don't speak like this around your own daughter, I think you should keep it quiet but get some counselling. This is not a criticism, please don't take it as that, I wish you well*

Seriously! How on earth can you jump to that conclusion. Not everyone gushes over babies/children Confused

Frusso · 09/06/2014 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PhaedraIsMyName · 09/06/2014 09:13

X posts Habitual and Milk , I didn't mean either of you were hysterical.

Actifizz · 09/06/2014 09:13

There ye go OP. You are a narcissist with an attachment disorder. Won't someone think of your poor child Grin

diddl · 09/06/2014 09:22

Perhaps it was the way you declined?

I don't know.

Noone was getting my PFB out of my vice like grip ever so I don't get the offering a baby round.

Is it more polite that the mum offer or that people ask?

How rude is it to say no when someone asks if they can hold your baby?

fledermaus · 09/06/2014 09:28

OP made me laugh too.

It's fine to decline, "no thank you" isn't rude. My brother always declines to hold the small pink loud things until they're capable of kicking a ball/holding a conversation too which is fair enough. Not everyone loves babies.

Larimarbleu · 09/06/2014 09:55

I never noticed it with my own.. because they were absolutely perfect of course
But one thing I hate about holding other people's' s newborns (not so much older babies) is that horrible constant,squirming/stretching thing they do when you're trying to hold them... it's almost maggoty like!
Okay now I've given myself a phobia.

peppinagiro · 09/06/2014 10:19

God, why did you go and get in this poor woman's way? When I'd just had a newborn, trying to cope with the swarms of visitors wanting to see her was exhausting. It was difficult enough to fit in all the people who cared about her and wanted to spend time with her, so I would not have been prepared to waste time with someone who wasn't even arsed, and probably didn't disguise the fact as cleverly as they think.

Paq · 09/06/2014 10:24

I've seen much better attempts at humour TBH.

It's considered polite to fake interest and appreciation towards lots of things that others hold dear but you just do not get - babies, pets, cars, shoes, handbags, manicures, gadgets, soft furnishings....

Babies are slightly different as they are actual people, so a little more respect is usually demanded.

YANBU to decline politely, YABU to write a goady OP on a parenting message board.

liquidstatehasrisenagain · 09/06/2014 10:35

I'm the same as the OP. I won't hold babies for the sake of it but will happily take over if the mums need a break. This even extends to babysitting over a weekend.

Am 8 months pregnant with my first and I don't think I will change to be honest. I think its different when its your own child. It may be something to do with me being introverted and needing my own personal space.

NB - I was a primary carer for my baby brother from the age of 18, he turned out just fine. Smile

Lanabelle · 09/06/2014 10:37

Not unreasonable at all, maybe she was wounded but you wont be the last time she faces this. I have kids and I am the most maternal person ever when it comes to my kids but someone elses does not bring out the maternal-ness in me. Sure maybe if it was a close friend or something but in my last job people used to do this all the time and I used to think (oh dear lord please no) so I would say it was probably best I didn't - coming down with something etc.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2014 10:51

I think OP's mistake was to fake enthusiasm too well, to the extent that the mother thought she might want to hold it. Wrong assumption, but really, not everyone does or should be expected to.

I, for example, like and approve of babies, but am not particularly interested in holding other people's, though I'm willing enough if they need me to for some reason. I had four of my own and love holding DGS, but you know, what's the point if they're someone else's? If it's necessary for that baby's continued survival, or even comfort, that I pick it up, ok, I'll do that. But by choice? Nah. It's just a baby. Seen 'em before.

Most amused at those posts crying "it's an innocent baby!" Well yeah, I'm sure it was. I didn't see the OP accusing it of anything. She just didn't want to hold it. Lots of things are perfectly harmless but that doesn't mean you have to get up close and personal with them (house spiders spring to mind).

VitoCorleone · 09/06/2014 10:52

I just think it would have been more polite to make up an excuse rather than just say 'no thank you' as it sorta makes it awkward.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2014 10:54

Let me just save anyone the trouble of pointing out to me, btw, that there are significant differences between human babies and spiders of any age. I know.

Spiders don't throw up on you, for a start.

buggerboooo · 09/06/2014 11:00

I dont blame you op! I hate kids, they are far too noisy and irritating. Babys can be cute but they tend to cry if I hold them so I just dont bother. Hopefully the one im currently cooking will be nice..... Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2014 11:06

The one you're cooking will be thoroughly gorgeous in all respects, I can guarantee it.

buggerboooo · 09/06/2014 11:08

I do hope so annie!!!

OHforDUCKScake · 09/06/2014 11:15

I can totally see both sides to this.

If you dont want to hold the baby then I dont see why you should force yourself! At the same time I think Id have been a bit bewildered if Id offered my baby and it was declined. I was verrryy pfb though so glad I wasnt on mumsnet back then Id never have survived
With my second I doubt Id have offered. Grin

allhailqueenmab · 09/06/2014 11:23

I am sure you are all familiar with the literary device "transferred epithet".

The OP doesn't loathe babies, she is just expressing frustration with having the "loves babies, must do, she is female and has had one" stereotype foisted on her, by scathing language about the baby itself, which she knows, and we all know, is misplaced, but as the baby is not on this forum and can't read, won't do the baby any harm.

AbbeyBartlet · 09/06/2014 11:25

Annie Grin

That's another reason why I won't hold a baby - I would probably freak out if I was thrown up on!!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 09/06/2014 11:30

'I am sure you are all familiar with the literary device "transferred epithet".'

Yes, and the OP's attempts appear clumsy and silly, e.g. 'grasp at a child's flailing body' - hence the practically unanimous eye-rolling and slightly irritated set of responses. Trying too hard to be funny, unless you're really good at it, is always hyper annoying.

TobyLerone · 09/06/2014 11:40

Isn't it lucky that we don't all find the same things amusing?

Wrcgirl · 09/06/2014 11:50

You don't like to hold newborns?
Me too, they are so fragile and wriggly! But I do if it's a relative, or else say I think I'd drop the wee one. Surely being female does not mean you love to hold all squirming newborns!?

But why why visit the poor mum if shed only just had the babe and you don't like babies? I really hated visitors who came, used up my energy and obviously were not interested in the biggest thing that had happened to me recently!