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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not hold the baby?

392 replies

trufflesnout · 08/06/2014 20:43

I don't think I was BU, but since I made a new mother look wounded today, I'm wondering if I was unreasonable or if she was being precious it was definitely her.

I was visiting a relative who has just happened to give birth recently. I'm not maternal at all and don't particularly enjoy being around small children (apart from my own daughter, who is perfect, obviously) but I don't tend to announce it to people since whenever I have I've been viewed as odd at best.

Even though the visit wasn't all about the baby, I paid the small pink loud thing a compliment or two for the mother's sake, as I thought it would be polite to do so since it had pretty much just emerged from her body. I think I must have shot myself in the foot with the two counts of prompted, generic praise, as at one point in the visit she asked if I would like to hold the baby.

I said politely and with a smile, "oh, no thank you".

She looked at me like I had just caved its face in with a toothpick. The conversation moved in and she didn't offer again thank God.

Was I horrendously rude in declining the offer to hold her baby?

OP posts:
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14
Larimarbleu · 08/06/2014 21:29

I sympathize with OP.
I'm not that keen on 'holding' other people's newborns either, (even though I have 3 children of my own and loved holding them when they were babies.)
But when I say no thanks, I always feel as if I've just killed Bambi!

nooka · 08/06/2014 21:34

What's wrong with saying 'no thank you'? - seems a perfectly polite way to decline. I don't see why lies are required, it's not compulsory to want to hold babies is it? Presumably if the mother had needed someone to hold the baby while she went off to do something else she would have asked instead of offered.

AnonButRegular · 08/06/2014 21:34

Ywbu.

I'd have whipped the baby off of her before she finished the sentence! Grin

I love babies - nothing better than a cuddle with a snuggly newborn Smile

thebodylovesspring · 08/06/2014 21:35

objection Grin love that response and may use it sometime just to see the reaction.

Giles yes agree kittens and puppies are far cuter. Now those are Definatly worth a munch.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/06/2014 21:44

I have had people come round and freeze at the sight of my lovely pussy!

I'm juvenile I know but I did Grin at that!

Larimarbleu · 08/06/2014 21:45

Even worse than the fear of dropping the baby...... what about that horrible moment when the baby has been handed round like pass the parcel and he/she ONLY cries when you're the one doing the holding. :0
How crap is that!

GreeboOgg · 08/06/2014 21:45

Unless you added on to that "No, thank you" with screaming "get thy beast away from me, whore of satan!" and started furiously making the sign of the cross whilst backing violently away YANBU.

This actually made me belly laugh Grin

I feel for you OP. I also have zero maternal instincts (my ma, bless her, reliably informs me that I have inherited this from her- she'd never have bothered with us kids if we hadn't just turned up rudely! Grin ) so I can fully understand not wanting to hold the baby. It basically translates as "do you want to be solely responsible for this fragile human that is the centre of my life? Dropping him/her would be bad, by the way." If you've no interest in tiny humans, the costs definitely outweigh the non-existent positives.

So YANBU in not wanting to hold the baby. However, if mum looked hurt I'm willing to bet your delivery of refusal was below par. If a new mum honours you with the offer of a 'cuddle' then you really need a good excuse like a cold to back out of it, because it really is an honour, not just anyone can touch a parent's tiny delicate bundle.

Since you're a parent you have learnt the magical art of holding a baby for a minute or two (I've had 3 nephews/nieces and finally grasped the art of baby holding also, though I still prefer to be firmly seated to lessen the chances of dropping the infant) and therefore, when offered to 'hold' the bundle, I declare that it wouldn't kill you to do so for a moment in order to fend off hurt-new-mum faces.

In summary, you are both unreasonable and reasonable. HTH!

BrianTheMole · 08/06/2014 21:47

You sound a bit rude op yes.

RevoltingPeasant · 08/06/2014 21:47

Objection I get that it is true, and believe me, I actually understand how the OP feels.

However it is still quite rude. A bit like "I made conversation with the tubby 46 year old woman, watching her chins wobble as she spoke and noting her Primarni couture straining over her thighs."

Might be all true but pretty arsey, not that funny. Am not keen on babies either but I just either have a 30 second hold or just laugh and say "oh I'm all fingers and thumbs, I'll let someone else have a go".

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2014 21:49

I think the OP is quite amusing and cleverly written Grin

Well it made me laugh anyway. There's no malice there, just humour...and everyone's sense of humour is different.

fluffyraggies · 08/06/2014 21:53

I never want to hand any of my newborns over to visitors (4 DCs)

I think it stems from a bad experience as a young first time mother seeing DD1 being passed around crying, and no one would hand her back :(

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/06/2014 21:54

I didn't read it as offensive either. Its written in a way that many would secretly think and never own up too :o

(But think, in a funny way nt a deliberately malicious or nasty way)

Bowlersarm · 08/06/2014 21:55

YANBU

I'm not a baby holder either.

MrsDarylDixon · 08/06/2014 21:57

I once told an acquaintance I didn't want to hold her pfb as I "wasn't very keen on babies". I was 6 months pregnant. Oh so Blush

Ywnbu. Your own babies are interesting. Other peoples? Meh.

zeezeek · 08/06/2014 22:00

I can't see the problem with OP post tbh. As long as you don't make any small pink thing-like comments to the parents, then why shouldn't you make factual comments elsewhere (especially on an internet forum where your identity is hidden).
There is too much pandering to new mums, I'm afraid - all you've done is have sex, get knocked up and incubated for a few months - humans have been doing it for a long time. Not everyone is interested in children - and that does include some of us who have had them. I didn't even like holding my own when they were very tiny and they seemed to detect my nervousness and disinterest and preferred their father. Now they are fantastic, of course, but that's because they are children, not babies.

Smartiepants79 · 08/06/2014 22:03

See, snugly cuddles with other people's newborns are best because you can just hand them back!
Cuddles but no stress.

myusernameis · 08/06/2014 22:04

I don't like holding tiny babies either. Mine will be an exception of course! Hate when people try and force them on me. The pressure of people watching makes it worse.

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 08/06/2014 22:14

I just took my DD (20 weeks) into work, and was offering cuddles, but said 'would you like a cuddle or are you not a baby person?' To give people an 'out', and a few people gratefully took that 'out'. I wasn't offended, she is my PFB, but I don't expect others to have my discerning sense of taste necessarily want cuddles.
YANBU.

Original poster
trufflesnout · 08/06/2014 22:51

So my internet collapsed shortly after I posted and I just came back on to this buttload of responses.

"Attempted comic effect". Hurtful.

I was polite, but maybe she could sense the disdain behind my eyes (JOKE IT WASN'T DISDAN (but the thought did terrify me)).
It's not that I think I am special for not having maternal instincts - I just don't have them.

If she needed to use the loo she could have said, I don't know, "can you watch my helpless offspring while I empty my bladder" or something. I would have conceded because the baby needed supervision, but I'm not about to grasp at a childs flailing body just for the heck of it.

I take the point about the rotten kipper though. And I like the comparison. Will use in future.

I just either say, 'oh better not I had a ciggie not so long back'. Not helpful if you don't smoke.

I never thought I'd say it, but it's a shame I don't smoke. Since lying's ok by many on here though (no, I'm not saying you're all massive liars, but I'm not about to make up some shitty excuse about a cold when I could just say no thank you can she can get over it), maybe I could stare her right down the eyeballs and say in my most charming voice "oh, I'd love to, but I just shot a big line in my car before I knocked the door and I wouldn't want your charming pink kipper to get a whiff of it. Maybe next time".

No, I would never say to her face that her baby was a big pink howling blob because lots of mothers seem to resent that particular factoid when applied to their darlings can't think why and while I don't exactly love babies, I do understand that slagging them off to their parents would be rude. It was small and loud and blobby though - as was my baby, as is any baby.

And before my internet collapses again - I'll bring it up because I can (and yes, I do think the two following things are related), but I resent people thinking I am weird for not liking babies simply because I have a uterus.

OP posts:
thebodylovesspring · 08/06/2014 23:28

Your post made me laugh op. Still prefer baby animals. They are just cuter. I defy anyone not to find kittens beyond cute.

My babies were lovely but most others are very poor quality. Grin

PrincessBabyCat · 09/06/2014 00:50

I irreverently refer to babies as hump trophies and really, they're all a bit ugly the first couple weeks. Except mine. She was gorgeous. :)

I'm not much of a baby person either. I'm quite fond of mine, but I don't hold other people's because I'm afraid of dropping them or holding them wrong. I absolutely adore kids between ages 4-8, they're cute and fun to rile up and give back to their parents loaded with sugar play with.

I have a theory that you don't really become a "baby person" until you hit menopause and can't have them anymore/are far enough removed from the baby stage of your own kids you're no longer haunted by memories of sleep deprivation. I haven't run into an older person who has not wanted to hold my baby, while younger people tend to shy away from it.

I wouldn't worry about it. As DB says when he refuses to hold his niece "It's not like she's going to remember me holding her anyway".

PhaedraIsMyName · 09/06/2014 01:28

I always decline the offer. My excuse is "it's been so long I'm scared I'd not support her/his neck correctly"

Which isn't a lie. I have horrible visions of babies' heads falling off from the floppy neck thing.

PhaedraIsMyName · 09/06/2014 01:31

PBC I'm a post-menopausal non baby holder. I'm sure I'd drop or break a new born as I'm so out of practice (and not looking to start)

AveryJessup · 09/06/2014 02:13

Did you not know the baby's gender or something? You're referring to him / her as 'it' in your post so am just wondering how the mother managed to evade all mention of his / her name and gender to you during your visit.

Would you like it if people had referred to your daughter as a 'thing'?

I think I remember expressing myself that way about babies as a teenager as I had zero maternal instinct (and still am not a baby fan generally) but a grown woman who is a mother herself expressing herself in that way is a bit odd. No problem if you didn't want to hold the baby, no need to be rude either though.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/06/2014 02:15

I love squidgy babies, its the older ones with a thousand mile stare that Im not fond of.

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