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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not hold the baby?

392 replies

trufflesnout · 08/06/2014 20:43

I don't think I was BU, but since I made a new mother look wounded today, I'm wondering if I was unreasonable or if she was being precious it was definitely her.

I was visiting a relative who has just happened to give birth recently. I'm not maternal at all and don't particularly enjoy being around small children (apart from my own daughter, who is perfect, obviously) but I don't tend to announce it to people since whenever I have I've been viewed as odd at best.

Even though the visit wasn't all about the baby, I paid the small pink loud thing a compliment or two for the mother's sake, as I thought it would be polite to do so since it had pretty much just emerged from her body. I think I must have shot myself in the foot with the two counts of prompted, generic praise, as at one point in the visit she asked if I would like to hold the baby.

I said politely and with a smile, "oh, no thank you".

She looked at me like I had just caved its face in with a toothpick. The conversation moved in and she didn't offer again thank God.

Was I horrendously rude in declining the offer to hold her baby?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
14
everlong · 09/06/2014 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
trufflesnout · 09/06/2014 12:15

Hmm at the "I'd like to shoot you/myself", "your poor child" and "bleurgh writing style" posts. TBH I chose to write in the style I did as a barrier for the inevitable "you're a shit mother" posts, esp since MN has been so hun-infested lately.

I'm not feeling bad for not holding the baby (and I'm not going to feel bad about it), but I do regret just saying "no thank you" and killing the conversation. If I'm in a position where I need to decline again, I will at least leave a lead for conversation to continue down.

I was honestly very careful to make sure that she didn't realise that babies creep me out. I participated in conversation about the baby and congratulated the family and asked a few mundane questions just as any other visitor does - so I think feigning the interest was my downfall.

I also booked into a therapist who said I was disgusting and narcissistic. She promptly shot herself rather than be in my company but not before finding time to ring social services and have my daughter removed.

FWIW NewMum has called me today for a talk, entirely of her own volition and did not seem fucked off at me for thinking the (now independent, admittedly) contents of her uterus was gross.

I don't think men would be thought of as odd or narcissistic for not wanting to hold a baby just because it was a baby, though.

OP posts:
CatsCantTwerk · 09/06/2014 12:16

I get you op and I understand your post was written in a comical manner.

I do not like holding other peoples Babies, Love my own of course.

Actifizz · 09/06/2014 12:16

Annie. Spiders can EAT you.

Actifizz · 09/06/2014 12:18

OP I'm glad you didn't call the baby ugly. Because then you'd have had an MN price in your head.

I can admit that my newborns looked like the spawn of ET and Shrek. But never on MN Grin

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 09/06/2014 12:19

I am quite upset to have read through all these comments and some certainly not all before I'm flamed seem to be almost mocking little babies. Squirmy magots was one or words to that effect
Okay we get it no-one's child is as perfect or gorgeous as the one you've created, There's no-one on earth like my D.D but I wouldn't say "Oh she's perfect unlike other people's which is what is coming across here T.B.H. Grow up please ladies. xx

AbbeyBartlet · 09/06/2014 12:50

Some people don't like babies - that's just how it is. I have never looked at a baby and thought it was cute etc, in fact I have had very little contact with babies at all. There have been no babies in the family and I have stopped seeing friends in RL who have had children as it isn't my thing.

I think the point being made is that, just because you have children yourself, doesn't automatically mean that you want to hold someone else's (rather than just a "my child is the best child ever" attitude!).

And the OP is absolutely right, in that a man is not judged for not wanting to hold a baby.

OTheHugeManatee · 09/06/2014 13:03

YANBU OP. Not that I'm grossed out by newborns as such but I totally agree it's irritating when people assume you're going to emit bat-like squeaks at the sight of one simply because you have a uterus.

And those posters whose lips are wobbling because someone is being horrid to all the poor lil baybeez and it's so hurtful should probably get a grip Hmm

AbbeyBartlet · 09/06/2014 13:05

OTheHuge Grin

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 09/06/2014 13:09

YANBU to not want to hold the baby, or any other baby, but there is something very unreasonable about how proud you are of the boastful way you are explaining your dislike and the mothers reactions to it all.

Who or what hurt you to make you feel like this?

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2014 13:18

Why not mock babies, in the abstract? They're quite ludicrous really. If we weren't programmed by Nature to love them the human race would die out very quickly. It is an important survival instinct to nurture our young. But speaking disrespectfully of the squirmy maggots dear little things isn't going to do them any harm at all.

My mother called me a lizard person from outer space when I was born. She adored me. DS1 looked quite lizardy too, centre of my universe and delight of my eyes as he was and (29 years on) still is. And they smell, and they wriggle, and they keep you up all night. They're dreadful things, really. That didn't stop me loving the first one so much I had three more, and doesn't stop me going warm and fuzzy when I cuddle the next generation down. But considered dispassionately, what's to like?

HippyTea · 09/06/2014 13:26

OP and Princessbabycat I am actual crying with laughter reading your posts.

Pushing a child out of your vagina means you have to adore babies and only speak of them using cutesy terms. Nor does it mean you have to abandon a sense of humour. A tongue in cheek referral to a baby as "a pink thing" isn't hurting anybody is it? She didn't say "Congratulations on your wrinkly beetroot" for crying out loud.

I've always found the pressure to hold other peoples babies uncomfortable. Even whilst absolutely adoring working with children, I just don't have the bit in me that makes me coo. It doesn't mean

  1. that you don't like children
  2. don't like your own children
  3. are a bad person.

My mum has always said she hated the holding babies cooing stuff...
"You were alright though" Grin

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 09/06/2014 13:36

Annie. We shouldn't mock babies because they can't fight back. Sorry mock my views all you want. I'm a big girl. I can take it, but not little babies.
What's to like about babies. I can't understand that question at all.
There's so innocent, trusting non judgemental not to mention utterly cute and cuddly. xx

SelectAUserName · 09/06/2014 13:43

YOU find them "utterly cute and cuddly", life, but it's clear from this thread alone that not everyone feels the same way as you. That's your opinion so please don't state it as if it were an indisputable fact.

There is a wealth of difference between finding something faintly absurd / humorous and professing undying hatred towards it. No-one, including the OP, is planning on becoming the next Herod. There was no harm done whatsoever towards the OP's relative's baby by her referring to it in the terms she has used.

ZenNudist · 09/06/2014 13:44

Surely you mean ice pick! Awful image..,

OP ywnbu but already recognised you were socially awkward. Some kind of lie expected to smooth things over. To be polite, you know?

Bit of a missed opportunity not to be helpful to a new mum. Are you usually lacking in empathy? I have offered to make a cup of tea, insisted she stayed sat down, asked if she wanted me to put the washing on, or perhaps bought a precooked dinner.

There's still time, maybe next time eh?

Actifizz · 09/06/2014 14:09

I didn't push all of mine out of my vagina. Does that excuse my consideration that DD was an ET/Shrek clone ? Grin

AbbeyBartlet · 09/06/2014 14:12

YOU find them "utterly cute and cuddly", life, but it's clear from this thread alone that not everyone feels the same way as you. That's your opinion so please don't state it as if it were an indisputable fact.


THIS

TobyLerone · 09/06/2014 14:16

Who or what hurt you to make you feel like this?

HAHAHA HAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA

HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA!

calculatorsatdawn · 09/06/2014 14:23

do you want to hold my baby?

nope, at best it's boring and I'll get a dead arm

Original poster
trufflesnout · 09/06/2014 14:28

I didn't push all of mine out of my vagina. Does that excuse my consideration that DD was an ET/Shrek clone ?

Incidentally, c-section babies are often less hideous because they tend to lack that disgusting pointy skull feature.

life, why do you end all posts with xx? It looks really strange when you've just written a post disagreeing with someone.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/06/2014 14:29

I don't mind holding babies, but I'm sure they are not particularly keen on being passed around like packages between strangers for the benefit of said strangers. Grin

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 09/06/2014 14:37

Is it such a crime to love babies. Did I miss something. x

Larimarbleu · 09/06/2014 14:40

Violates Well said.

AbbeyBartlet · 09/06/2014 14:41

Of course it isn't a crime to love babies.

But it is not a crime NOT to, either.

SelectAUserName · 09/06/2014 14:41

No, life, it's absolutely fine to love babies. It's also absolutely fine not to love all babies just because they're babies. Nothing wrong with either - just different.