AIBU to be financially independent from DH?

[ModreB]

DH and I have been happily married for over 25 years. We have 3 grown up and nearly grown up DC's. There are no rocks that I know of on the horizon, and no great disturbances in the past. DH and I are both happy with the agreement.

BUT, we have always had separate finances, we arrange the bills by agreeing which ones we will pay, in our names, which works out at about 50% each. DC's joint stuff, like clothes, shoes, school trips we always paid half each. Again, never any arguments about his, just "how much is the rugby trip, OK, you paid I'll give you half, here you go."

We have separate Bank Accounts, and I don't know what DH earns, and he doesn't know what I earn, we never discuss it.

I always made sure that if DH wasn't around for any reason, the bills would still be paid, and could be paid, out of my income alone. (I do save a bit)

Speaking to some friends, this seems like it is so not the norm, that everything goes into a central pot. But, I like knowing that if the worst happened, at least I know I would be secure and able to pay the rent and bills on my own?

Ditto. It's not a secret, it's just that I never ask and vice versa. I'm sure DH would tell me if I bothered to ask and I would tell him if he asked me for a rough calculation of my assets but he trusts me to just get on with things and I trust that he'll pay the bills and if he runs short he'll let me know so I can transfer money over.

Actually, I can think of an advantage to keeping things separate. DH is the most risk adverse person you will ever come across. I love risk. DH doesn't actually want to know what I do. It would give him sleepless nights. He'd rather just trust me while staying in blissful ignorance though it was entertaining to tell him about the bitcoins I bought quite a while ago. I've never seen him go so white!

I don't understand why the fact that work is a big piece of your life and is important should lead to discussion of how much you earn - the two aren't necessarily linked.
when I have been unhappy at work and thinking of alternatives (and hence have been talking to DP) then the issue of salary does come up- but even then not specifically

I find it incredibly strange to not know what your husband earns, and also seems like a stealth boast to be honest.

I'd hate it but if it suits you who cares.

Not sure what the point of the thread is.A cynic might think it's a dig at those with the reverse set up.

For example - how do you possibly decide how much to spend on a house or a holiday if you don't know your household income?

Do you (for example) know roughly whether you should be flying Ryan Air, British Airways or... private jet?

I too am financially independent from my D.P. I'd hate to have to rely on a man for money. It'd be like asking for pocket money. D.P is quite old fashioned though and always insists on paying for everything when we go out. We had a bit of a heated discussion the other week as we are ttc and he said. If you do get pregnant. I want you to give up work. A mother's place is with her children (some may say fair comment), but that just wouldn't suit me. As lovely as babies are you need that break so whether he likes it or not. I will be going back to work. x

I am like you OP. I love being independent. It does not seem a popular view on MN though, which surprises me.

I dislike this view that if you share finances you are not independent. We share our finances and still manage to both be independent. Or is it just the woman who isn't independent if she shares?

Have only read page one, but wanted to mention that.

If it works for you OP, then I see no problem. It wouldn't work for us because dh is very disorganised and bills wouldn't get paid and I would have to nag to get money for stuff.

My parents do it like you and have been married 42 years. It causes no end of arguments. All they do is bicker about money. 'You owe me for x' 'but I paid for y' 'aah but I bought m' just on an on and on for 42 years. I couldn't live like that. Also now dad has retired his income has reduced but mums hasn't and there are even more rows. Neither if them have any idea how they will cope in 2 yrs when mum retires and they won't discuss it as they are 'independent' and don't have to tell each other these things . I'd rather be single.

Do you (for example) know roughly whether you should be flying Ryan Air, British Airways or... private jet?

In my case, I pay for holidays so I know exactly what I'm willing to pay and determines how we fly (which will never ever be by private jet! )

We do discuss large expenses and while I pay for them, they are agreed jointly. We have pretty similar attitudes to how we spend money so there have been few issues around them. We're not particularly big spenders in most areas.

Add "that" determines...

II've got a theory.
If you both earn a relatively decent amount then it matters less - you just get on with it.

While if you maybe got together younger, were earning not much when you started living together (where blowing £50 on something will screw up a budget) then you prob need to know more about each others budget constraints and tell each other more?

Maybe? Maybe not?

grumblepuss

I think you're right.

I also think it doesn't happen where people have 'jobs' rather than careers.

You can't afford the luxury of not knowing.

I am dependent on DH financially in that he happens to earn loads more than me. Unless we were going to live in a titchy house and run an old banger instead of the new cars we have, then dependence on his income was inevitable. How stupid to reduce the living standards of the entire family (except him, presumably) just to retain 'independence'!

However, although I am financially dependent on him, he is also dependent on me. He couldn't hold down his job without me working at home, fewer hours, flexibly so I can do school runs/attend school events, pick up dentist/doctor appointments etc.

He also wouldn't have DC without me having taken maternity leave on a reduced income. He wouldn't dream of penalising me for any of those joint decisions which benefit him, by demanding I pay half of everything, which I physically couldn't do, or by insisting the whole family suffers in order that I can pay half.

I also think lots of posters seem to have a poor opinion of their DP/DH if they think joint income would result in him dictating their spending. Again, wouldn't occur to DH to do that.

That may work for you Taz but most people will make different decisions based on whether their household income is 20K or 100K or 250K - that doesn't mean they're profligate spenders.

I suspect that when people say "I have no idea what my husband earns" they mean "I don't know specifically what my husband earns".

TheLovelyBoots You asked how people make large financial decisions when they don't know how much their total household income is. I gave one specific example - I.e. how we do it. I know I'm I'm not the norm and I'm not claiming to be but you did appear to be asking for examples.

The fact that we are not large spenders is relevant because if, for example, DH were prone to spending masses of money on watches or designer suits or cars or whatever, our current set up wouldn't work. It works because we have a pretty good idea as to how much each of us will spend each month.

OP YANBU to ensure you can be financially independent if your circumstances change for the worse. Whenever I have made life(style) changing decisions it has always been on the basis of "could I handle this if..." and I think this security has been a source of pace and contentment for me. So when I worked part time on a low wage, I calculated what my share of the equity in the house would be and knew I could buy outright a smaller house in a less desirable area if I had to - I did this calculation before going part time. Now I am full time on a much higher salary, I know if husband walked out tonight I could cover every bill myself. Not that we have ANY problems in our marriage at all - if anything we get happier year on year. It is just a source of reassurance to me that if I had to do it myself then I could. I saw too many of my mother's friends trapped in unhappy marriages by economics. I think knowing beyond doubt that my financial security is in my own hands actually strengthens our marriage - we both know neither of us is staying because we couldn't afford to do otherwise.

Not knowing what your partner earns though? I imagine only people on very high salaries could do this. Not knocking it, just marvelling at it really.

We have separate accounts - we're both very lazy and never bothered setting up a joint account. Our finances are very much entwined though - he pays mortgage and utilities, I pay cars and childcare. I paid deposit for house out of a bonus.

I think this is totally fine as long as 1) you both earn similar amounts (not good to be paging 50:50 on the rugby trip of you earn £20k and DH £80k) and 2) neither of you have made any significant compromises in your career for your children (eg dropped down to 3 days for a while to cover childcare, missed out on promotion track because of it).