AIBU to be financially independent from DH?

[ModreB]

DH and I have been happily married for over 25 years. We have 3 grown up and nearly grown up DC's. There are no rocks that I know of on the horizon, and no great disturbances in the past. DH and I are both happy with the agreement.

BUT, we have always had separate finances, we arrange the bills by agreeing which ones we will pay, in our names, which works out at about 50% each. DC's joint stuff, like clothes, shoes, school trips we always paid half each. Again, never any arguments about his, just "how much is the rugby trip, OK, you paid I'll give you half, here you go."

We have separate Bank Accounts, and I don't know what DH earns, and he doesn't know what I earn, we never discuss it.

I always made sure that if DH wasn't around for any reason, the bills would still be paid, and could be paid, out of my income alone. (I do save a bit)

Speaking to some friends, this seems like it is so not the norm, that everything goes into a central pot. But, I like knowing that if the worst happened, at least I know I would be secure and able to pay the rent and bills on my own?

It obviously works for you but I suspect that's because both you and your DH earn a lot of money and both have plenty left over after bills to buy what you want and save. People who don't have so much money need to have a bit more of an idea about their total family income, I think.

Separate finances suit a number of people. But it's really strange that you don't know what each other earns. And separate finances are OK if you both earn approximately the same. But if one earns substantially more than the other can't see how separate arrangements could work without this allowance business which I don't really like the sound of.

I have told friends about mine and dh's separate finances before and they practically called me an idiot!

I have my own money but DH is much higher earner. I pay my own bills - car insurance, phone bill etc and all the food shopping + anything for DS such as swimming and football lessons, clothes, school trips etc.

DH pays the bills and mortgage but as I said he is a much higher earner.

I don't want a joint account but it's up to those who do.

Tbh i think those that are claiming they have no idea at all what their partners earn are telling porkies.

Numerous times the question has been asked about joint finance such as a mortgage...which would be impossible to apply for without knowing your household income.

I don't really know the point in embellishing though...having such little information about your partner is not something worthy of 'boasting' of IMO.

Thos of you who don't know each other's earnings, haven't you ever sat down with a mortgage advisor?
Or one of you got a new job and you've squeaked about the pay rise? Or left a bank statement laying around?

Me and my DP are really up front about money, savings, mortgage, car insurance etc.
if it's cheaper to combine forces we do, if it's cheaper to go it alone we do.
I know what he earns, what his out goings are he knows mine. It allows us to plan holidays, home improvements and meals out.

I think it's about what works for your situation. Everybody here is different with different families, jobs, salaries and situations - bills, debt, loans etc.

Each to their own. I couldn't give a shot what others do - I know what works for us and I know exactly what DH earns .

My situation is pretty much the same as the OP except that we don't halve the bills in any formal way. When one of us pays a bill we don't expect to get half from the other person.

I don't know how much DH earns, I could take an educated guess if I could be bothered but I do know he earns less than I do.

I wouldn't have it any other way. We never argue about money.

And for those who say you can't have a conversation about a mortgage without knowing the other person's income - not everyone has a mortgage . Try thinking outside the box a little.

Agreed not everyone has a mortgage but not a huge amount of people don't have a mortgage or rent costs.

The OP said they rent.

You can't get a rental contract without disclosing your earnings

You can get a rental contract without disclosing both incomes.

So are you really happy that your landlord knows more about your husbands income than you do?

Carabos - surely to live together you need to have an idea of household income? Be it renting, owning with a mortgage or even to live without a mortgage because you've paid it off.

Even just a rough discussion about how much each of you can afford each month gives an indication of incomings/outgoings...?

We used to have a mortgage which we took out in 1999 and yes, back then I did know how much DH earned because we did pool our money back then. We don't pool our money now and I've long since stopped keeping track of how much he earns, though I could make an educated guess. I vaguely know when bonus day is and he does tell me his bonus, mostly because I'm the one with more investment experience and I usually tell him what to do with it.

YANBU, me and DP have the same arrangement with finances.

We know how much each other earns though and he pays more because he earns more.

Actual finances aside, if you work full time you spend about 25% of your life at work- to not discuss it and by extension to not discuss what you earn, with the person you plan on spending the rest of your life with, is a concept I just can't grasp.

What are the arguments for not knowing what your life partner earns?

I can't begin to imagine what they are.

I don't particularly have any arguments for not exactly knowing what DH earns. It's more that I don't really have an interest. I know he earns enough to pay the day to day bills and has enough left over for his personal expenses. I know I have enough to pay for all the one off larger expenses, the DC's general expenses (activities, clothes, lunches, bus fares etc) and my personal expenses. Neither of us is left short so it doesn't really matter who has what in their name.

^As above, neither of us is short, so we don't take much interest. Even further above, if I want a holiday, it comes from my account. If he wants a holiday, it comes from his. It's a position of privilege, though. Equalish (maybe?) earnings, few outgoings, large amounts of disposable cash. Perhaps would be vastly different if I felt disadvantaged.

16 yeats happily married an never had a joint account. We do it just like you do.

My Ex-H and I always knew what each other earned, but had our own separate bank accounts. We split the mortgage and bills etc by a percentage of earnings and he put his share I to my account, as that's where the direct debits came from. I already had a house when we for together.

Each to their own, but how many threads do we see on here from people (mainly women) who's relationships/marriage is about to end and they go into a panic about having no money or access to it. That was my Mum when her and my Dad split up and it was a nightmare for her. I vowed never to be put in the same position and will always keep my own account and be financially independent.

Mintyy there aren't any arguments for not knowing what a partner earns - it's not a matter of interest. I get that people can't understand that, but there those of us out here who don't get the sharing thing and whose relationships are founded entirely differently from what appears to be "the norm".

Guess what? That's ok.

But if the accounts are actually joint then you will have access to money. You can see a lot of threads though about usually SAHMs or low earning women, who might have their separate account, but only get a tiny allowance paid there by the DH, who hoards the rest of the cash and assets - not so useful in case of a split either.
There was a thread here recently about a DH on 6 figures who gave the wife (who had given up her career because of his job) 150 quid per month and oh, they had a prenup stating 'what's his is his'..

It always amazes me that there are couples who value each other based on their earnings?

My DH could lose his job tomorrow, earn nothing and yet still be valued the same by me.

I could get extremely lucky, score myself a job earning double his wages and that doesn't make me better than him or entitled to more.

Whatever the jobs market values us at, we see ourselves as equal partners which mean we both have an equal claim to disposable income. Anything other than that means we don't don't each other as equal.

I don't think anyone has said they value each other based on their earnings joysmum

Several of us just can't comprehend a couple who keep their salaries a secret from each other.

I can sort of see that if money is absolutely no object then it doesn't come up but I can't think that applies to too many people.

Bear as I said before, the lack of comprehension is your problem , why exactly it seems to bother you I'm not sure.

It's not "keeping a secret" . There is simply no need to know.