AIBU to be financially independent from DH?

[ModreB]

DH and I have been happily married for over 25 years. We have 3 grown up and nearly grown up DC's. There are no rocks that I know of on the horizon, and no great disturbances in the past. DH and I are both happy with the agreement.

BUT, we have always had separate finances, we arrange the bills by agreeing which ones we will pay, in our names, which works out at about 50% each. DC's joint stuff, like clothes, shoes, school trips we always paid half each. Again, never any arguments about his, just "how much is the rugby trip, OK, you paid I'll give you half, here you go."

We have separate Bank Accounts, and I don't know what DH earns, and he doesn't know what I earn, we never discuss it.

I always made sure that if DH wasn't around for any reason, the bills would still be paid, and could be paid, out of my income alone. (I do save a bit)

Speaking to some friends, this seems like it is so not the norm, that everything goes into a central pot. But, I like knowing that if the worst happened, at least I know I would be secure and able to pay the rent and bills on my own?

I'm also really curious as to where and what you can rent that, together with the cost of food, is equal to your expenditure on council tax, gas and electricity.

We have a low mortgage and that plus our food costs is about £1300 per month.

Whereas council tax, gas and electricity is less than £400.

Am really intrigued.

Completely agree Sarinka

I don't think people have claimed that you get 'shafted' by not having joint finances sarinka, only that if you have no idea what each other earns, you also have no idea if you are being shafted.

It is bizarre unless your income is variable due to self employment/ contracting etc.

To not know what your partners basic salary is is plain weird- how can you create a family and share your life with someone and not know something as fundamental as their basic salary.

My dh and I are both self employed and so we don't know what we earn unless we take a look back at it. But its absolutely not a secret from each other ... I do find that unusual.

Bear clearly one can (unless I've actually been in a coma since 1984 and imagined it all)

I don't need to know the precise details nor he of mine. There won't be a huge difference one way or another. Our careers have mostly mirrored each other's (not sure about that apostrophe)

phaedra I didn't say you could create a family without knowing their salary, I asked how you could.

sarinka You said you are the higher earner therefore you must have a rough idea what your DH earns.

The OP hasn't even said she knows roughly what her DH earns and the split of their bills is grossly unfair.

I know it's rare but you do hear of men who lead double lives, have 2 families etc, not knowing that your spouse earns has to play a part in a scenario like that.

I just don't get how you can go through life with another person and not know what they earn- to rent or get a mortgage you have to disclose this.

^ couldn't

toomuchtooold Sorry, I was thinking about death not divorce. Sadly we have had friends who have gone through this, and the person who was bereaved struggled without the extra salary.
That makes no sense. If one person died, then the salary would be lost, regardless of whether you had joint or separate finances. Either there is enough income coming into the house or there isn't.

But beyond necessities he has no right to dictate what I spend my money on and vice versa.
You don't need separate finances to not dictate what each person spends money on. We have completely joint finances and as long as we can afford it, we are both free to spend money as we want to.

I don't understand it. I cannot comprehend not knowing how much each other earns, that's really weird in a marriage. How can you work things out fairly when you are not open with each other?
What about when one person does more childcare while the other does more paid work? How on earth can separate finances ever be fair in that circumstance?
If you don't know what your household income is, how do you know what you can afford? How can you budget for a holiday or for house improvements? Do you have to work it out based on whether you can afford half the cost? What if you can afford half the cost but your partner says they can't?
If it works for you, then fine, there is nothing wrong with it, but I cannot get my head round it at all.

I would only consider paying everything 50/50 fair if they both have the same opportunities for earning - and all other tasks necessary for home and family are also divided 50/50. This is often not practicable.
Having one partner doing lion's share of childcare and housework and still paying 50% of everything would not be fair for me.

That's what I think MostWicked.

Just with the holiday example...I know how much spare income and savings we have, so how much we can spend overall on a holiday and this week I've been looking for a last minute holiday for two weeks next month.

If I had no idea of dh's salary or financial position, I don't even know how we could plan this. What would I do? Find holidays then go 'oh well that one's £1600, I know I can afford £600, I wonder if dh can?

You'd just constantly be playing blind. Seems unnecessarily difficult if nothing else.

Doh...note to self, half of £1600 is £800. You get the general gist though.

Bear I've answered your question. Apart from the start of our careers when everyone compares what one's contemporaries are being paid, it's not been an issue. We have a very comfortable life-style which suits us. Why does this seem to cause you such difficulty?

It doesn't cause me any difficulty at all- I just fail to see how you can be in a loving and committed relationship with someone who doesn't actually disclose what they earn

What happens when one or the other gets a new job or promotion? Do you just say 'very nice dear' and change the subject?

Have you never applied for a mortgage or to rent?

Bear well just carry on failing. Arguments about money have never featured.

Not sure why you need to be so passive aggressive phaedra

I've never insinuated that you argued about money I just don't see how what you each earn doesn't ever come into conversation- that's all.

From your previous post, Phaedra, I gathered that you were both financially quite comfortable... I guess it might be easier if both of you are earning a wage significantly higher than the national average to pay less attention to the details of your partner's income. Apologies if I have read your situation incorrectly.

Personally, my parents shared all their income, and my partner and I also do the same, though I don't always know how much he earns every month (due to overtime, being on call etc). This is a recent develoment - I'm about to go on maternity leave, so will have far less money available. Prior to me getting pregnant, we had separate accounts and divvied up the expenses so that we were paying roughly equivalent amounts in relegation to our differing salaries.

In relation to our differing salaries... Not relegation. Bloody autocorrect.

YANBU it clearly works for you. But... You must both have pretty good incomes if one is able to say to the other, 'I've paid for something so you own me £xxx' and expect it to be handed over without question. DH and I would always discuss purchases and trips so we were prepared and could save/budget as necessary. Maybe if we had plenty of money each we would be more like you.

Did you take maternity leave? Were you on full pay or did DH subsidise you during that time?

It wouldn't work for me as I currently don't have an income, but when I return to work and will earn roughly the same as DH, possibly more if he changes his job, I think we will continue to pool finances as it works for us.

We've been together 20 years, married for 16, and have just applied for our first joint account. The main reason for this is that having children means there are more incidental joint expenses then before, while for the first time ever money is a bit tight (buying a big house) and we feel the need to plan better. Until now I've paid the mortgage and DH has paid the bills and we've roughly divvied up the rest (eg. He pays for flights, I pay for car hire on holiday). We earn roughly the same but he gets a bonus.
Having joint finances feels like a bit of a step for me but I've decided to take the view that they'd all be assets of the marriage if we divorced .

I really couldn't give a stuff how other people arrange their relationships. If it works for you and the other parties involves, crack on. It's none of my business, regardless of whether I agree or not.