AIBU to be financially independent from DH?

[ModreB]

DH and I have been happily married for over 25 years. We have 3 grown up and nearly grown up DC's. There are no rocks that I know of on the horizon, and no great disturbances in the past. DH and I are both happy with the agreement.

BUT, we have always had separate finances, we arrange the bills by agreeing which ones we will pay, in our names, which works out at about 50% each. DC's joint stuff, like clothes, shoes, school trips we always paid half each. Again, never any arguments about his, just "how much is the rugby trip, OK, you paid I'll give you half, here you go."

We have separate Bank Accounts, and I don't know what DH earns, and he doesn't know what I earn, we never discuss it.

I always made sure that if DH wasn't around for any reason, the bills would still be paid, and could be paid, out of my income alone. (I do save a bit)

Speaking to some friends, this seems like it is so not the norm, that everything goes into a central pot. But, I like knowing that if the worst happened, at least I know I would be secure and able to pay the rent and bills on my own?

To be fair, you've perfected the art of not answering questions or at least giving answers to questions that weren't asked- maybe that's why you've never discussed salaries- are you a politician?

bear We never needed to. Car costs, separate. We have 2 cars. We rent, I pay rent, food,fuel. Water, Rent. Dh pays, Council Tax, Gas, Electric, Dh pays half . It works out equal.

Bearbehind I thought he earned round about the CB limit but wasn't sure if he was above it or not. I know it sounds weird but I'm just not that interested in what he earns. I'm financially independent from him and what each of us has doesn't really come up.

There are many way to run expenses as a couple. As long as one person isn't disadvantaged or controlled by the situation.

But even when you rent you have to disclose your salaries- don't you even have a rough idea of what he earns?

There's no way your half is the same as his- you pay for rent and food in full and he just pays the utilities except water????

No wonder it's never come up- he's onto a right winner if that's the case.

If that is the case, you're not dependant on him but he's certainly living at your expense and for all you know he might earn thousands more than you.

Trust is more important than an open balance sheet imo.

Now that DP lives with me I do know what he earns as I needed the info for tax credits. If it weren't for that I don't think I would have asked. We out in an equal amount into our brand spanking new, quite excited by it joint account to cover household bills. Food, meals out, clothes etc are paid by whoever whenever they're needed.

We have about the same coming in, I'll be on less once my SMP kicks in but will still have enough to cover my share and personal bills with a bit left over. I know DP wouldn't see me skint if it gets too tight.

Fifi- so despite having a pay cut as you will be on SMP, you will still be paying 50% of everything? So your partner will still have the same amount as always but you will, presumably, have quite a bit less than usual?

So if you don't know how much each other earns, how do you know that paying half for everything is fair?

Clearly it works for you, but to me it's not how a partnership should be and it wouldn't work for me.

fifi I know I felt a lot like you before I had DS, but then I realised that we were parents and the reason I wasn't earning money is because I was off on maternity leave with out baby. You shouldn't have to rely on the passing generosity of your DP, much better to discuss it now and agree how to handle it when you have very little coming in and much more outgoings - nappies, baby clothes etc.

ModreB, YANBU to know that you could manage financially on your own. V wise.

And whether you have joint or separate bank accounts is neither here nor there in a longstanding, trusting relationship like what you are describing.
It works for you, that's all that matters.

I know I could manage on my own.
My DH's income varies from month to month - sometime I come across it, sometimes I don't.
We have a joint account.
Works for us.

If you don't know each others salary, how do you know that you both have the same money left to spend personally after contributing to the bills ?

Tbh I don't get the 'we both contribute 50% to joint costs' - a fixed sum from a much smaller salary is relatively speaking a much bigger contribution IYSWIM

I see both our incomes as 'family money'.
I don't think about how much he spends/I spend/we spend/the kids have spent on them.

If it becomes an issue I'll bring it up. Neither of us are minted in the slightest so it's not as if he has money to burn. A sizeable chunk of his salary he sets aside to save for a house deposit/emergencies. If things changed and he has a personality transplant and wouldn't help out he'd have to leave. Simple. As I said shopping is bought as and when so nappies would be bought fairly evenly.

I can manage on my own fine, it's only due to him living here that our salaries total to us losing tax credits etc.

I don't know what DH earns either, exactly. I used to know, and we have joint mortgage etc so certainly knew at that point, but now he's changed jobs. Like OP, I know to the nearest 10K, and that's enough as we have a set budget for bills etc, plus set amount into joint account with ludicrously detailed spreadsheet, and the rest of his goes into savings/holiday and he works out how much each year we can afford on holiday, and the rest of mine goes into extras for the kids (my work is v intermittent due to DS2 SN so it's not much). And if he or I died, we are covered, plus wills etc.

Maybe it's a bit weird to the rest of you, but DM and DGM always were separate too and advised me that it worked, so that's what I went with. Works for us.

Ps totally get the need to be independent thing. If DH does/left me tomorrow then financially I can look after myself. That has always been v important to me, as DF nearly went bankrupt when I was 18. I have always looked after myself.

Dies tomorrow, not does - damn autocorrect.

Do whatever works for you. Your way wouldn't work for us, our way wouldn't work for you. Any way is fine if it works and neither partner is significantly better or worse off than the other.

Dh and I earn roughly the same and it all goes into one account which all the bills come out of and we'll also use it for treats for ourselves too. We both have the same tight sensible attitude to money so we dont have to worry that one of us is spending it all.

I think the constant 'i'll pay for this, youll pay for that, we'll go halves' would grate on me after a while.

I don't see why joint finances = not independent. YANBU if separate works for you but I don't see why joint means that if something happened to my marriage/DH I'd suddenly be in the shit?

We both work FT, same jobs & qualifications, although DH is slightly older/more experienced than me so earns a bit more. All of our money, assets etc are pooled.

If either of us died, the other would get a life insurance payout sufficient to pay off the mortgage. If we split, our assets would be split 50/50.

We'd each be able to cope with life on our own with our respective incomes.

Joint or separate banks accounts is irrelevant.

If however one of us gave up work to provide domestic support (e.g. childcare) and no longer had an independent income stream, under an arrangement where finances were completely separate, IMO the non-income earning partner would be far more vulnerable in the event of a divorce or death of the income-earning partner.

Apart from only having 1 child you could be me. I couldn't have borne being dependent on a man. Our finances are separate. We've been together since 1984; never had joint account, I don't know his income, he doesn't know mine. I own property in my own name, bought with my earnings.

To all of you who think it's inconceivable not to know what your partner/spouse owns, it's perfectly easy. Husband and I are in the same profession and are on same career path.

The mortgage on the house we live in was based only on his income and he owns it, he paid the mortgage. I own 2 rental flats bought from my income.I paid the nanny, he paid the school fees for our sob, I paid the extras and I paid university fees and expense.

We buy and pay for our own cars. Food is paid by which ever of us goes to the supermarket, everything else by whoever picks the bill off the hall table.

For a long time he probably earned more than me, I probably now earn more than him.

LivinLaVidaLocal who are you addressing?

(Great username by the way; subverting a cliché by adding one consonant)