AIBU to be financially independent from DH?

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DH and I have been happily married for over 25 years. We have 3 grown up and nearly grown up DC's. There are no rocks that I know of on the horizon, and no great disturbances in the past. DH and I are both happy with the agreement.

BUT, we have always had separate finances, we arrange the bills by agreeing which ones we will pay, in our names, which works out at about 50% each. DC's joint stuff, like clothes, shoes, school trips we always paid half each. Again, never any arguments about his, just "how much is the rugby trip, OK, you paid I'll give you half, here you go."

We have separate Bank Accounts, and I don't know what DH earns, and he doesn't know what I earn, we never discuss it.

I always made sure that if DH wasn't around for any reason, the bills would still be paid, and could be paid, out of my income alone. (I do save a bit)

Speaking to some friends, this seems like it is so not the norm, that everything goes into a central pot. But, I like knowing that if the worst happened, at least I know I would be secure and able to pay the rent and bills on my own?

We just throw it all into a joint. It's easier to keep track of because transferring back and forth all the time to share money became a hassle for us. I was like you and did not want a joint. When we first got it, it was like nails on a chalk board anytime DH bought something. But after I got used to it, and saw that with open communication we could get along just fine it really was more convenient than always transferring and adding up our total amounts in each bank account.

The hardest part for me was getting over the "my money" mentality and switching to "our money". It still is, my checks come in and DH will rattle off what bills it should go towards and I inwardly cringe just a little because I irrationally want to say what bills it goes towards But it's much better and less stressful on both of us when the one making the most money doesn't have the final say on expenses, and having joint expenses has helped us have better and more open communication in other areas. :)

I don't think it's "equal" to both be paying the same. If you are both paying x% of your income into bills then that is equal.

If DH and I halved the bills I'd be screwed. I earn much less than him, because I'm the main childcarer.

I would like us to put all money into a joint account and transfer out a wee amount each for fun money that we can do what we like with.

In practice we have a fairly complicated situation. We each have separate accounts and we also have a joint account. We contribute to the joint account an agreed amount each. DH contributes about 1.5 times what I do.

Joint Account
Mortgage
Food and other groceries
Fuel for family car
Council tax
Utility bills

My Account
My phone
My car insurance
My road tax
Childcare
Savings for DC

DH Account
DH car fuel costs
DH car insurance
DH road tax
DH phone
Savings

One of the things about being in a couple is that you can afford to do things that a single person couldn't. If we restricted our joint spending to things that I could afford if we only had my wage coming in then we would barely be able to keep a roof over our heads.

I only find it a bit odd you don't know what each other earns but that's all. If that arrangement works for you then all is well.

I don't really know what DH earns although I could find out by looking up his invoices, he's self employed so it varies from month to month. If I have to fill in a form detailing income I ask him what he earned last year. Everything is joint, apart from savings which are in my name and he deals with everything financial, not much point in being married to an accountant and not taking advantage of his expertise. We aren't big spenders but I spend more than him, we discuss any big costs.

He does earn more than me but that's because I've had a late career change.
Children are grown up now and if we divorced I would have to downsize but if he died I wouldn't.

I have only skimmed the thread, read the OPs posts- OP what happened with your mat leaves? We currently have separate finances and no DC, but if my earning drop v significantly for 2 years while we (hopefully) have DC in future, we have discussed pooling money- otherwise I will have to save like mad in advance and then economise significantly afterwards to cope, and he would just continue as normal?!

It would only be unequal pay if they both did the same job though wouldn't it?

Which the op hasn't mentioned.

YANBU op, if you are happy.

We have a joint ac for mortgage bills food etc. money to cover is transferred from my ac on payday. Everything else credit cards savings current ac are separate. I know what dh earns. He knows what my salary is. I'm a big believer in being able to be financially independant. I know that I could cover mortgage and bills without him.

choosandchips it wasn't the OP who said she knew what her husband earned to the nearest £10k, she hasn't indicated if she's even got the faintest idea.

I'm still intrigued about the fact her post about who pays what read to me that she pays

Rent
Food
Water

And he pays

Gas
Electric
Council tax

That's definitely not an even split, so despite her having financial independence from her DH, she's most certainly subsidising his living costs and doesn't know if he earns more or less than her.

Livin er yes, I did get that. That was why I commented. All done by adding one letter.

happy On my maternity leave husband paid for everything whilst I wasn't working but I was only off 3 months and went back to work full time.

Yadnbu to make sure you are financially independent. But i'm confused as to why you wouldn't be financially independent if you had a joint account. I may be missing something here, and i won't be surprised if I am, so go easy on me, but surely if you had a joint account and your DH died, then you'd still have just the same amount of money as if you had separate accounts?

I couldn't have borne being dependent on a man. Our finances are separate. We've been together since 1984; never had joint account, I don't know his income, he doesn't know mine. I own property in my own name, bought with my earnings

To me it seems you are confusing keeping separate finances with not 'being dependant on a man'. The two are not the same.

DH and I both work. He is full time, I work part time, but in a career/role that I could very easily switch back to full time hours if I needed. We class all money as 'ours'. We know each others salaries, make joint decisions on what to spend our salaries on. We own 3 rentals jointly, two of which were mainly bought with a windfall I had from a family member. One by savings he had before we got together. But they're all 'ours'.

In no way am I financially dependant on him, in the sense that if we split, I would be more than able to keep the mortgage and pay bills from my salary alone. Should we divorce then we would divvy up possessions/savings/rentals at that point, as do most divorcing couples.

But we have built our life together, and we share our assets/money/possessions. It wouldn't seem much of a partnership if we didn't.

We also have separate accounts, i don't know how much exactly he gets paid (i know it's more than me) and he doesn't know how much i get paid. As long as we have enough to cover our equal share of the bills then i don't need or want to know.

If it works for you then great. But for me it would be odd, feel non committal and cold.

I am a SAHM now but even when we both worked we pooled money into joint. I don't care who earns the money and who cares for DC, doesn't have to be both doing the same thing to have value.Just because society tried to push that doesn't mean you have to accept it.

jellybeans don't follow your point about society pushing - pushing who to do what?

I'd have hated a joint account. He always checks his bank statement, I didn't open mine for years.

Society pushing the view that only those in paid work have value. Maybe off topic a little but touches on the worry some have of 'dependence' and not earning.

Any money we get, whether from work, inheritance etc we see as joint and have no problem with that.

What would happen with totally separate finances if one of the couple inherited a vast sum of inheritance? Would they share or kep it and the value of it to themselves?

Also no matter how much you think you are fully financially independent there is always, sadly, the possibility of illness/redundancy etc so none of us can be 100% secure.Would people in those situations pool resources fairly if the other became unable to work?

DP and I have separate accounts where our wages go in and personal bills mobile phone go out of, then we both pay an amount into the joint account for household bills and food etc.

However, even our separate money is kind of shared. At the moment, as we have a baby on the way I save all of my disposable income for my mat leave, and DP pays for any extras like meals out, petrol etc, plus he's paid for all the stuff for the baby.

If I needed money but I'd run out because I'd saved it all, he'd give me it, and vice versa.

We probably could pool it all in to one account but what we do works for us.

If you don't know each others salary, how do you know that you both have the same money left to spend personally after contributing to the bills?

This might sound weird to you, but why should we have the same personal spending money left?

Emneybob, why are you saving for the baby , why isn't he saving , the baby is both your responsibility.

I once had a client who was worth millions literally , I used to regularly see his wife at school.She was always scrimping and saving and worrying whether they could afford the fees etc .She was absolutely convinced that they earned about the same , he was scrimping as well etc .I knew that his monthly investment income was in excess of most of her annual take home salary , never mind the amount he earned

She thought she was financially independent but in effect she was a slave , her children did without because she didn't have the courage to insist that as they were married they should have transparent financial affairs.

This might sound weird to you, but why should we have the same personal spending money left

The way I see it, dh and I are sharing our lives together and bringing up our family. We both contribute financially, both put in time in supporting our family/home etc. We share the standard of living that our joint incomes, minus joint expenses, allows us to.

I couldn't abide it if I was scrimping by and dh was living it up. Nor would I be able to enjoy the things I buy myself if dh couldn't afford similar.

Seperate finances and different amounts of disposable income, which means a different standard of living seems cold and uncommitted to me. Like students or roommates, or someone in a casual relationship where obviously you don't share money at first.

Yanbu if it suits you. Is there anything else to say?

outtolunch I wonder if it's a similar situation with the OP.

I worked out our household bills and if we split them the way the OP says she does, I'd be paying 5 times as much as DH!

Funny she's never come back