AIBU to be financially independent from DH?

[ModreB]

DH and I have been happily married for over 25 years. We have 3 grown up and nearly grown up DC's. There are no rocks that I know of on the horizon, and no great disturbances in the past. DH and I are both happy with the agreement.

BUT, we have always had separate finances, we arrange the bills by agreeing which ones we will pay, in our names, which works out at about 50% each. DC's joint stuff, like clothes, shoes, school trips we always paid half each. Again, never any arguments about his, just "how much is the rugby trip, OK, you paid I'll give you half, here you go."

We have separate Bank Accounts, and I don't know what DH earns, and he doesn't know what I earn, we never discuss it.

I always made sure that if DH wasn't around for any reason, the bills would still be paid, and could be paid, out of my income alone. (I do save a bit)

Speaking to some friends, this seems like it is so not the norm, that everything goes into a central pot. But, I like knowing that if the worst happened, at least I know I would be secure and able to pay the rent and bills on my own?

I love my financial independence too.

However, I do think it is weird that after 25 years married you don, t know what your husband earns... (or he you).

I don't know what my husband earns, but I reckon I could ballpark it to the nearest £10k.

Some people have the weirdest relationships

I reckon I could ballpark to the nearest £10k what my close friends earn but to say that about my husband would just be bizarre.

We have separate current accounts and a joint savings account, works for its. I know roughly what DH earns, he knows roughly what i earn, i wouldn't ask to see his payslip.

Oh, I should add that we both know how much each other earns. To not know is a bit odd, I think.

I too find it really odd that you don't know how much you each earn.

What if one of you earns 5x as much as the other yet you each pay 50%. Very unfair IMO.

There's nothing bizarre about my marriage

YANBU if it suits you.

However, it would be unreasonable if you had wildly different earnings and one of you was struggling to cover the basics and didn't have any money to buy anything for yourself, or had to get into debt to pay the bills.

It doesn't sound like you are, so as long as you are both happy with your standard of living etc, carry on .

How can it be anything other than bizarre to not know how much your spouse earns?

Unless you are so rich it doesn't matter, it's a fundamental part of your life together. It determines your lifestyle.

Have you never made a joint mortgage application? Doesn't it affect what child benefit you can claim?

You don't need to know exactly how much though, unless money is really tight in which case you'd probably need to pool everything anyway.

I know what pay band DH is on, but I don't know exactly how much he brought home last month, with any overtime, shift allowance, expenses etc.

Overtime and shift allowances are a bit different though. I wouldn't expect people to know to the penny what each other took home each month (unless it goes into a joint account) as it's affected by things like that or tax on benefits in kind etc, but to not know your spouses' basic salary is a concept I can't comprehend.

YANBU, if it works for you. DH and I have a shared account but we take an equal amount from it each month to our own individual bank accounts, which we spend or save as we please. Any bills or anything for the DC comes from the joint, or anything shared between us, but if we want to buy something for ourselves or save up for something, then that's for us to decide.

yanbu if it works for you

We manage our money separately and I don't know exactly how much DH makes. I know he's a higher rate tax payer and could make an educated guess to the nearest £15k but I have no idea what his net salary is . I have my own family money which I manage and he just trusts me to get on with it but doesn't actually know the details

It works for us. DH pays the bills and I sort most expenses for the DC plus holidays and other larger expenses.

I should add, it's not as though we hide money from each other. I could ask him and I'm sure he'd tell me

Serious question taz - how has it never come up in your time together.

I'm guessing from they way you pointed out he's a higher rate tax payer you think he's only just in that bracket- isn't it necessary to know in order to claim child benefit for example- haven't you every applied for joint finance of any description?

I'd absolutely hate it if DH directly transferred money from his account into my account - that to me would feel very demeaning, like him dishing out his wages to the little wifey.

Ooh no, I didn't feel like that at all. Completely equal in every way.

When I marry my dp we will have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. Nothing else.

I was strongly advised from quite a young age by my mum to never have totally joint finances. She is right.

I know how much my dp earns and he knows how much I earn. But beyond necessities he has no right to dictate what I spend my money on and vice versa.

I also have savings for if the worst happens.

ModreB why don't you both buy life insurance if it's that not divorce you are worried about? Another one here who finds it deeply absurd that you do not disclose your salaries to eachother. You have created a family and a life together. I just don't get it.

I do find it odd that you don't know how much each other earns but it's your choice. I'm presuming you'd have noticed if you were in rags treating yourself to a homemade egg sandwich in the park while he was in designer and off golfing to Bermuda every month.

Meh. It obviously works for you. We pool everything, seperate isas etc but I pay into them online each month. I feel independent financially though. I'm free to buy what I like when I like (we both are) but we don't take the piss.

Bearbehind We're in a bit of a unique situation in that I used to be a US citizen. Years and years ago we did have a joint account and did have a joint mortgage. Then I realised I was supposed to be declaring all of our bank accounts to the IRS and DH had a bit of a hissy fit. We jointly agreed at that point that it would be better to separate our finances.

Since then we've managed quite happily on our own. I know we don't qualify for CB now because I told him when the rules changed and he said "Yes, I earn more than that" and I said, "Pah!"

That's for answering taz but I still don't get it.

To not qualify for any CB he'd need to earn £60k+, that's a pretty significant income for you not to know about.

We do have separate life insurance which benefits each other.

OP, please can you explain how, in 25 years, you've never had cause to find out what the other earns?

And, it was my DGM, who was a SAHM of 40 years, who advised me to never be dependant on a man.