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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you write off this money from house with ex DP?

135 replies

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 17:51

I was with my exdp for 5 years, for the last 2 I was really poorly and in and out of hospital then battling infertility, we had been engaged for a while and he suggested we got married I think to give me something to look forward to, before the wedding I had a meltdown and said it didn't feel right but we brushed over it and we had the wedding, the whole do cost £1,100 I wore a £30 dress and did the food myself the reception was in the garden and ceremony at the registry office.

2 months later I met the love of my love and I know its wrong I got my head turned but you know when you meet the one you realise what was wrong about everything you had before, anyway I left my ex and stayed in my brothers spare room for a while, we had bought a nice 4 bed house a year previous to which I put a few grand down as deposit, bought nearly half of everything in there and paid 40% of the mortgage every month which was over 1k between us, he was on a higher wage so could afford the mortgage alone I couldn't so me staying wasn't an option, we had signed a 3 year fixed term and he asked if I would keep my name on for him til the 3 years were up as they might not let him remortgage on his own, I did and the 3 years is now up, he met a new partner who is perfect for him and they now too are madly in love and she wants to go on the mortgage which works perfectly for him.

I wrote off everything a year of mortgage payments, my deposit and half of all the new furnishings and I was happy to draw a line under it due to the guilt I felt for leaving him so soon.

Anyway I'm due to sign the paperwork to remove myself now and a few people have said to me I should ask for my deposit back and/or some money towards what I paid out (must be around 12k)

Would I be unreasonable for asking? I don't know if I can bring myself to do it after everything, we are on good terms by the way. I'm just really in debt from having to buy everything from scratch when I left and started again renting

I need to decide before I sign but I feel for the choices I made morally I should write it off... I would only want the money to pay of debt
Help??

OP posts:

Laurel1979 · 07/06/2014 17:55

I would consider asking for the deposit and money paid towards furnishings back, however probably not the year's worth of mortgage payments, as you did live there for a year?

NatashaBee · 07/06/2014 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 18:02

Thanks Laurel

I was only thinking about asking for 3k or something out of the deposit but I feel like its really wrong to ask I don't think I will have the balls to do it considering what I did

Cant help but think its wrong as I let him take that huge mortgage on then left lumbering him with it

I'm having ivf at the mo and that money would be the difference between us struggling and managing ok if it works , it would pay off my credit card

I'm not even clued up on mortgages and how it works taking my name off and putting hers on

OP posts:

aprilanne · 07/06/2014 18:04

to be honest .you were unfaithfull two months into your marriage .and left him and be honest if the shoe was on the other foot .would you want to give him anything .

Original poster

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 18:06

Natasha I'm not sure, he just said she is going in on the mortgage and they need my details for the paperwork

I just want to make sure I'm def doing the right thing writing it off, I just really really want to clear some of my debt with it, if I didn't really need it I would write it off

OP posts:

whatever5 · 07/06/2014 18:08

Assuming that the house has not gone down in value, I would ask for the money you paid towards the deposit.

MrsChickPea · 07/06/2014 18:10

You are most likely legally entitled to something. Always best to chat and sort it nicely though - especially if on good terms. Perhaps the new girlfriend could 'pay' your deposit money? Really you are entitled to a percentage (depends on % deposit you and your then partner put in) of any profit the house made between buying it and when you stopping contributing to the mortgage. Obviously that's assuming house has gone up and not down.

Original poster

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 18:11

aprilanne

That's what's stopping me asking, although to clarify I left my ex before anything happened I just knew I was falling for this guy and knew I had to end my marriage, it was annulled as we didn't consummate it

OP posts:

HmmAnOxfordComma · 07/06/2014 18:18

But you're only entitled to some of any increase in equity if you continued to pay the mortgage during that time, and you didn't.

I admire your moral stance of not wanting to take any money from him, and I wouldn't either.

But, I do think if you're broke, and you're on good terms, it might be reasonable to enquire about them buying you out with a couple of thousand pounds that you put into the equity/the furniture. They will likely be remortgaging after the three year fixed is up so could sort something out if you're all reasonable people.

patienceisvirtuous · 07/06/2014 18:20

I would just leave it. If it were me personally, I wouldn't try and claw back a few thousand when I'd left DP to chase another relationship.

Greythorne · 07/06/2014 18:22

I left my first husband for the love of my life after two years of marriage. I walked away and didn't ask for any hard cash, but did take some furniture.

My ex H and I remain in friendly terms and I am quite proud of that.

restandpeace · 07/06/2014 18:24

How ling were you married?

Original poster

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 18:28

I do appreciate all the input thanks everyone, the guilt I feel is whats stopped me asking sooner, if he left me I would have no qualms making sure I got what I was owed I just feel morally my mistake should cost me I just wanted to make sure I was 100% doing the right thing as didn't want regret it after it was finalised

Thanks for the practical advice on the mortgage/property too as I'm not clued up on it all, I will have a think these next few days I'm swaying towards not asking for the reasons pointed out above I was just keen to know what the general consensus would be so I can decide either way

OP posts:

Original poster

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 18:34

restandpeace less then 2 months, I so so regret putting him through it and I wish I would of had the balls to cancel it when I tried doing

greythorne that's lovely to hear you found the one, i imagine I would of plodded along for years with neither of us happy if I hadn't of made the break, he admits he was unhappy too I don't know why on earth we got married I do feel terrible looking back

OP posts:

restandpeace · 07/06/2014 18:36

I'm that you didn't DTD in two months of marriage... I digress.

Just leave it, move on.

Original poster

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 18:42

I know, the psychical side was long dead plus I was really poorly, there were so many alarm bells about how wrong it was we just didn't see it

I'm sure that's what I will end up doing thank you,

OP posts:

SuperLoveFuzz · 07/06/2014 18:46

I think you should ask for the deposit back. I understand you feeling guilty but I think your ex should really offer. Yes you were the one at fault when you broke up but I don't think that means you should have to give up thousands of pounds.
If he isn't able/willing to release the cash I suppose then it depends how much you need it. Obviously you don't want things getting ugly if it's not desperately needed.

HalfCracked · 07/06/2014 18:51

I would just move on. I think asking for the money in the circumstances would be unnecessarily antagonistic and would prolong contact and bad feeling. You're in love. That's great. That's priceless.

I left my x with nothing and a huge credit card bill. He owned the house, the car, everything........ but they way he'd arranged our finances, a lot of miscellaneous expenses went on 'my' credit card (in my name) so he knew I was going to be stuffed the second I left.

I had to just accept it. It hurt paying off that money at the time, but it's done and dusted now.

SuperScrimper · 07/06/2014 18:53

I wouldn't ask tbvh.

Can you imagine if he'd ditched you 2 months into the marriage and left you lumbered with a massive mortage and then asked him 3 years later for a load of money....

Original poster

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 19:05

Halfcracked I think that's very well put and pretty much sums it up

SuperLoveFuzz thankyou, if I did ask I would just ask once and if he said no I wouldn't try to get any money

SuperScrimper I did offer to pay my part of the mortgage until it sold as that was the plan at first for us to sell but he then decided to stay and his mate moved in, I was going to pay the mortgage whilst living in my brothers spare room I wouldn't of left him struggling with it

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/06/2014 19:29

I'd leave it too. Too long has passed and it's the least you can do given what you put him through.

If a man had done this to a women and wanted his deposit back three years later can you imagine the names he would be called?

Original poster

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 19:38

HappyMummyOfOne

Thanks for the input its appreciated, the only reason I'm asking the question on here now isn't as I'm crawling out the woodwork randomly to ask for it back, its as he asked would I keep my name on the house until the 3 years were up then he would get me removed, I left my name on for that period so the house has been jointly in my name since I left, his partner moved in 9 months ago but is going on the mortgage now its time for me to come off

I am swaying towards leaving it just so as not to cause any more bad feeling as I know morally its probably wrong

OP posts:

Cuteypatootey · 07/06/2014 19:40

Dont ask for the whole amount, just a few thousand. Or maybe ask for some of the furnishings.

WaitMonkey · 07/06/2014 20:10

Op don't answer if you think this is a terrible question, but did you give the wedding presents back ? Very nosey I know, but I've often wondered what's the done thing in these circumstances.

Original poster

Lauren83 · 07/06/2014 20:15

Waitmonkey ask away

We only had family and a few friends each so we didn't really have anything to give back, gifts from friends were things for the wedding and we got the usual mugs/photo frames etc which I gave the charity shop

OP posts:

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