Would you write off this money from house with ex DP?

[Lauren83]

I was with my exdp for 5 years, for the last 2 I was really poorly and in and out of hospital then battling infertility, we had been engaged for a while and he suggested we got married I think to give me something to look forward to, before the wedding I had a meltdown and said it didn't feel right but we brushed over it and we had the wedding, the whole do cost £1,100 I wore a £30 dress and did the food myself the reception was in the garden and ceremony at the registry office.

2 months later I met the love of my love and I know its wrong I got my head turned but you know when you meet the one you realise what was wrong about everything you had before, anyway I left my ex and stayed in my brothers spare room for a while, we had bought a nice 4 bed house a year previous to which I put a few grand down as deposit, bought nearly half of everything in there and paid 40% of the mortgage every month which was over 1k between us, he was on a higher wage so could afford the mortgage alone I couldn't so me staying wasn't an option, we had signed a 3 year fixed term and he asked if I would keep my name on for him til the 3 years were up as they might not let him remortgage on his own, I did and the 3 years is now up, he met a new partner who is perfect for him and they now too are madly in love and she wants to go on the mortgage which works perfectly for him.

I wrote off everything a year of mortgage payments, my deposit and half of all the new furnishings and I was happy to draw a line under it due to the guilt I felt for leaving him so soon.

Anyway I'm due to sign the paperwork to remove myself now and a few people have said to me I should ask for my deposit back and/or some money towards what I paid out (must be around 12k)

Would I be unreasonable for asking? I don't know if I can bring myself to do it after everything, we are on good terms by the way. I'm just really in debt from having to buy everything from scratch when I left and started again renting

I need to decide before I sign but I feel for the choices I made morally I should write it off... I would only want the money to pay of debt
Help??

I too would say leave it.
For most of the reasons that have been mentioned.
Draw a line under it and walk away.

Have you not taken legal advice over this? I actually think it is really bad of him that he has not made you an offer to buy you out of your share.

If he wants to take your name off the mortgage and put his partners name on doesn't that mean he actually has to buy you out legally? If your name is on the deeds then surely you can't just take your name off the mortgage, by law you own half the property should he ever wish to sell? I'm not sure that it matters legally who has been paying the mortgage, it's whose names are registered to the property itself, happy to stand corrected on this though if I'm barking up the wrong tree. I get what others are saying about what is morally right but I think you should speak to a solicitor about the legal side of things before you sign or agree to anything.

The year's mortgage repayments are neither here nor there - I'd consider it rent. However, unless the house has depreciated in value, I think you should get at least your share of the deposit back, even if you don't ask for any of the furniture/value of the furniture.

And yes, I would be saying this if it was the man who'd left the woman. OK, the way you treated him (albeit not deliberately) wasn't very pleasant, but I don't see why you should pay such a high financial price for it.

I think you should take legal and financial advice. You put in a deposit, you paid 40 percent of the mortgage payment (remember some of that is interest - you cannot just x monthly payment by 12 ), also house prices have increased in the last three years.

Yes you cheated but if you had forced the sale 3 years ago which you were perfectly entitled to do, he would have had to sell or buy you out. You could have purchased a house whilst prices were considerably cheaper and your house would have increased in value. You let him keep the house he wanted.

He has also gained equity so surely you should both gain financially.

I am surprised as everything is so amicable he hasn't offered you something, or does the cynic in me think that is why he is being so amicable... I see far too many women walk away from what is rightfully theirs.

You say in your OP that you had written the money off. Presumably that is his understanding too. You can't just ask for it three years down the line because you need it. You just can't.

halohalohalo the reason for asking now is my name is coming off the house next week, he asked me to stay on the mortgage for the full 3 years, there was no money to take sooner he had no access to any but I had thought if I was going to ask now was the time, I wouldn't ask 3 years after having my name took off out of the blue.

I had written the money off as experience yes but a few people have recently said I should ask for my deposit back so I just thought I would see what others think before I decide for definite.

Lol at the new girlfriend paying you back the deposit money....

lala land

You,ve been had. Accept it and move on.

To be honest you were foolish to have written it off, although I can see why you did. But you did write it off. That's why I think YWBU to ask for it back now.

43percentburnt no cheating involved, although I guess on an emotional level the fact I had my head turned was wrong I understand that, but just to clarify there was no cheating, I left him so soon as I knew I was potentially falling for this person, its mad the risk I took after not knowing if the feeling was mutual I just knew it was a huge wake up call, luckily he felt the same, if it didn't work out it woke me up to the fact my relationship was wrong

I don't think she has been had. She doesn't have to sign the transfer of equity. If the house is set up as joint tenants then she can access half the equity.

You should take legal and financial advice.

I know you feel bad for cheating and you may feel you need to give him compensation for that. However you don't have kids together and you obviously are both happier having moved on. I don't see why you need to give him money to say sorry.

Thanks for the practical advice everyone too, I wish I would of handled it better at the time and come to some agreement then but I felt so bad I didn't, so I guess just because times passed it doesn't mean I should try clawing it back now, we are on good terms to the point we text and send birthday/Xmas cards to each other and new dps, I imagine he will be holding his breath waiting for me to sign the papers

I did ask him 18 months ago to try take my name off sooner as my credit rating had plummeted, not sure if it was connected to owning the house or to the fact I was down as having the 2 addresses but I wanted to consolidate credit cards and got declined when my rating had been great before, I wouldn't apply as a homeowner for credit as didn't think it was fair using the house to get into a credit agreement

I have decided I don't have it in me to ask after seeking advice so thankyou, I wouldn't take it further if he said no and the fact we are amicable and I'm happy as is he means enough

Thanks for all the replies

So you're coming off the mortgage.

But isn't that separate to coming off the deeds? Surely you will still be a joint owner of the house? Sounds complicated, is it worth getting legal advice?

I agree you are paying a very high financial price for your guilt even though your split sounds very amicable for both of you. It can't have passed him by that you have a stake in the house... I think he may be hoping you never ask.

PersonOfInterest I don't actually even know the score, he just said his solicitor will send me the paperwork, and then his new partner was going on it, sorry if I sound really naive but its my only experience of property and I'm not sure what the steps are to remove me

He referred to it as coming off the mortgage, I guess I need to clarify what's going on, I asked and he said 'the solicitor needs your address and not to worry it won't cost you anything' meaning won't cost me anything, I wasn't sure what that meant it sounded like he was doing me favour as if there would be a charge incurred to me that he was sorting, he asked me to stay on for the fixed term as he said there would of been a financial penalty he had to pay if I came off sooner so I stayed on so he didn't have to pay (or so I didn't)

Sorry Lauren, I don't really know much about this either but appreciate that being on the mortgage and being on the deeds (ownership of the house) is different.

As a mortgage is with the bank/building society I'm not sure what a solicitor would have to do with this.

The deeds on the other hand are a legal document that may well involve a solicitor.

As I say, I don't really know... But I imagine that if he has a solicitor to represent his interests then perhaps you should (have a solicitor to represent yours).

Could he be trying to pull a fast one?! Appeasing you with "don't worry it wont cost you" when what he should really be saying is "lets discuss how to divide our assets fairly".

I think by staying on the mortgage for 3 years you have paid a fair financial price for your guilt.

Sorry OP but the fact that he has a solicitor and is telling you not to worry just sign, screams to me that he is crossing all fingers and toes that you won't question it either out of naïveté or guilt.

Don't you think that if people are suggesting to you that you're owed money then people would have raised the same with him?

If I were you, I'd call him, be nice and friendly but say "I've just realised we haven't discussed who's buying me out, what are we like? Do you and 'New DP' want to get together and let me know?"
If he pleads ignorance or shock then just tell him that it'll get complicated if you try to work out equity share and mortgage contributions so you're happy to just have your deposit contribution back.

You don't owe him a house no matter why you left him

And PersonofInterest is right. He doesn't need a solicitor to remortgage which is what he says he's doing.

However it's standard practice to use a solicitor / legal conveyancer to change the names on a title of ownership with the Land Registry.

Thinks may be amicable but he isn't telling you the full story, he's relying on you not knowing and not asking to get away with not paying you and going so far as to suggest he's doing you a favour / saving you money.

I think you should ask for the full deposit back.

I think that is fair and I think he is unfair not to offer this.

Paying the mortgage would have been like paying rent so I wouldn't worry about that part.

If he disagrees seek legal advice.

How much were the furnishings? Would they be of any use to you now if you were to go and get some? I don't think it would be fair to be paid out for furnishings as they depreciate so much in value once bought. But I don't know why you left with nothing from the house

Just to clarify ask for what you paid for the deposit in full.

Don't sign anything before taking advice. What you did (ending the marriage so soon) was a very difficult and brave decision. He is obviously very happy now. Not only that but you also took a real risk staying on the mortgage to help him out for 3 years. Wanting to stay amicable is one thing, throwing away 12 thousand pounds is another. You mention IVF. Worst case scenario you're unable to fund more shots at it.... in years to come, what do you imagine you'd be wanting to say to yourself right now, knowing that you are, at this moment deciding to throw away 12 thousand pounds which is morally and legally yours? One thousand..... well maybe you could walk away, 12 thousand that might make the most fundamental difference to your life? I think it's madness!

Leave it. You know how you behaved at the end of the relationship wasn't great (blokes get a right old flaming on here when posters write about DH leaving for the OW). Your gut instinct was to walk away - don't listen to your friends, listen to your first instinct which is considerably more honourable than anyone whispering in your ear.

It would be worth having a chat with your own solicitor before signing anything. You may well keep the same decision but seeing as he has employed his own solicitor for remortgage that should ring alarm bells with you.

Go have a chat as once you sign you cannot undo your decision.

If you paid the deposit then I think it is fair that you get that back. But also take into account anything he paid while you couldnt make a contribution and take that off the total deposit you are owed.

That is the only fair way I think.

seeing as he has employed his own solicitor for remortgage that should ring alarm bells with you. Not necessarily, it is probably to sort out the terms of the house ownership with his new partner.

Sorry I meant to add that being on a mortgage with someone doesnt automatically mean you are on the deeds to the house, so if they are not married they will be sorting that out.