Would you write off this money from house with ex DP?

[Lauren83]

I was with my exdp for 5 years, for the last 2 I was really poorly and in and out of hospital then battling infertility, we had been engaged for a while and he suggested we got married I think to give me something to look forward to, before the wedding I had a meltdown and said it didn't feel right but we brushed over it and we had the wedding, the whole do cost £1,100 I wore a £30 dress and did the food myself the reception was in the garden and ceremony at the registry office.

2 months later I met the love of my love and I know its wrong I got my head turned but you know when you meet the one you realise what was wrong about everything you had before, anyway I left my ex and stayed in my brothers spare room for a while, we had bought a nice 4 bed house a year previous to which I put a few grand down as deposit, bought nearly half of everything in there and paid 40% of the mortgage every month which was over 1k between us, he was on a higher wage so could afford the mortgage alone I couldn't so me staying wasn't an option, we had signed a 3 year fixed term and he asked if I would keep my name on for him til the 3 years were up as they might not let him remortgage on his own, I did and the 3 years is now up, he met a new partner who is perfect for him and they now too are madly in love and she wants to go on the mortgage which works perfectly for him.

I wrote off everything a year of mortgage payments, my deposit and half of all the new furnishings and I was happy to draw a line under it due to the guilt I felt for leaving him so soon.

Anyway I'm due to sign the paperwork to remove myself now and a few people have said to me I should ask for my deposit back and/or some money towards what I paid out (must be around 12k)

Would I be unreasonable for asking? I don't know if I can bring myself to do it after everything, we are on good terms by the way. I'm just really in debt from having to buy everything from scratch when I left and started again renting

I need to decide before I sign but I feel for the choices I made morally I should write it off... I would only want the money to pay of debt
Help??

Maddening that's not a bad idea

I also thought the MH comments was a bit out of order and even if it was genuine, wasn't worded very sensitively

If they're remortgaging, OP must be coming off the deeds, the bank wouldn't give someone a mortgage whilst someone else has a registerable interest in the house.

Thanks for the biscuit giving!

I have accepted his no as a no, I just asked was there any chance of me accessing my deposit, its a tough one if I was in his shoes I'm not sure if I would view it as tough with what happened and think I was lucky I walked away not saddled with the mortgage

However I don't believe there should be a financial 'pentalty' incurred due to what some deem my terrible behaviour, I have no issue admitting I shouldn't of married the poor bloke when I had doubts before, but some are reacting like I was having an affair behind his back, if it helps remove the new DP and accept I left because I wasn't happy, which is true.

Thanks to those seeing it for what it was

How about you wait and see exactly what documents arrive from his solicitor?

If there's anything you're not clear on what/why you're signing, get some advice. It would be awful if there were further financial repercussions for you (such as bochhead described), just for trying to put this behind you.

Also, you say your credit rating has plummeted. Could this be the consequence of something he has done? For eg defaulted? Could you become liable? Why would your credit rating plummet if you were reliably paying a mortgage?

I will do thankyou, he said expect something soon, I will pop back and update once he does

My credit rating was always really good but after I moved and tried to get a credit card to consolidate it declined, tried 9 months later too, maybe a mortgage negatively affects it I'm not sure, but I had no issues before

Paid for a credit score and it came back 'good' but I was still declined credit, who knows

OP if anything having a mortgage (assuming it's paid) should improve your credit rating.
Have you properly checked your file? I suggest logging into Noddle as it's free and shows clearly the months where payments have defaulted (if there has been any)

Have you any reason to believe that the house has lost value? I cant believe there is no money to be had. You look on Zoopla and get a good idea.
For the sake of easy maths:
You & ex buy house worth £100k
You put £20k down as deposit and have an £80k mortgage
3 years later you have paid off £5k so equity has increased to £25k
However the house has increased in value by £10k so now your equity is £35k
Therefore on a £110k property you need a remortgage of £75k
Even without a value increase there should still be equity in the house. He is just choosing to only remortgage on the debt remaining not for a higher amount which would release some equity.

If you are happy to leave it that's fine but please do check your legal position if it has increase in value when it comes to tax etc

Personally I am reading "No I cant" as "No, I dont want to"

Get your deposit back. Don't sign until you do. You could go for more but I don't know if the increase in equity over such a sort time is worth losing your friendship over.

I so need that money but I don't have it in me to do anything apart from ask, it took me ages to build up to doing that and I can't face being hard faced and mithering, he seemed shocked I asked and said he would of sold had he of known and that he struggled keeping the house and would of sold if he knew I was going to do this now, it sounded like they had sorted it their end so not sure what exactly whilst I'm still on the deeds, will see what turns up in the post

Thanks for that mimsunshine I feed the whole thing confusing so its easy for me to just take what he says

I feel for you because you want to do the right thing but that doesn't mean you should get walked over.
Him saying he would have sold if he'd known you'd want your money back tells you everything you need to know.
Yes he struggled to keep the house but he was only able to do that because ultimately you agreed to stay on the mortgage therefore now you have done you bit he needs to give you back your deposit.

It doesn't matter why you left or the fact you left rather than him the fact of the matter is there is house you co own and you're entitled to your money back. If you were loaded and didn't need it, fine walk away with nothing but everything you've said suggests that's far from the case at a time when you're going through IVF.

You don't have to get nasty but I do think you should arrange to sit down with him (and just him) and go through the financials and work what the house is worth, how much is owed on the mortgage and therefore what the split between you is. Are you actually divorced because I'm sure a divorce solicitor would have brought this up.

Honestly - I am concerned for you that you might not have enough money for the fertility treatment you need and you will kick yourself later if you can't get pregnant and didn't ask for this money. I didn't particularly want to write this as it is a horrible situation to be in, but it really does matter.

I don't understand his thinking.

So he says he wouldn't have sold if he knew he'd be paying you back. Would you have got your deposit back if the house had been sold back then?

What would you have 'lost' if it had been sold back then?

So it wasn't sold. You still haven't gained anything. He must have, surely?

I think 3k is a very reasonable request given the circumstances.

He said to me 'I would of sold and landed us with 8k debt each if I would of known' but he avoided me having to pay that he said, at first he said how much was I thinking so I thought it might go smoothly but in his next message he said no, I pointed out the 12k but that I was only looking to recoup the deposit but he then said no and said he had debt himself.

My ivf is funded thank god but I'm in about 8k of debt alltogether, I had debt from when we were together and bought a lot of the house stuff on credit, I took a loan out before the wedding too and used that. The repayments are getting really high and I'm just paying the minimum and really want to clear some incase the ivf works, I just wanted to move to an interest free credit card and I raised with him a year ago I was getting stung with interest but my rating had lowered so could he remove me sooner so it might sort my credit out as I'm paying a fortune in interest but he said no I would have to pay a big lump done to come off

I really don't have the strength to do anything official to try to recoup my money as its mither I don't need whilst I'm mid ivf, plus I wouldn't want to create hostility and I can't afford to pay legal fees myself

Oh and we had an annulment so we got a decree absolute but not a divorce, the town hall said they hadn't done an annulment in 12 years!

I think you should ask and expect the deposit back why not relationships sometimes breakdown but that is your money

The rest well your guilt led you to not to sort out finances sooner they should have been sorted long ago but I think you just have to let that go along with your guilt

So basically you did everything he asked and he said no to everything you asked?

Refuse to sign anything until you get your 3k back. I guarantee that he will find it. Infact if he doesnt I will organise the MN whipround!

He is banking on your backing down, as you always have. So dont.

What Bogeyface says. Or even get him to write up a legal document that states within x number of years or when he sells, whichever is sooner, he has to pay you back the money. And get a lawyer to check it!

So you have no real knowledge of the finances surrounding the mortgage, both 3 years ago when the possibility of selling was discussed and now when you are handing him the house?

Do you know the reasons for the 16k debt you would have shared if the house had been sold?

You really need to get some legal advice about this.

It really doesn't seem fair. And you said you didn't cheat on him, so I don't understand why this was even mentioned. People are allowed to end relationships/marriages.

I would NOT sign the paperwork without money.

You left your name on legal paperwork that could have put you in deep trouble if he'd defaulted.

You did him a huge favour and left your name on there when by all rights you should have had it removed. That was your penance. You placed yourself at financial risk.

I don't think it's fair that this new gf get your share of the equity. I would definitely seek legal advice. I'd investigate how much is left on the mortgage (it's your mortgage, you have a right to know) and how much the property is worth.

If he's remortgaging, he might have access to extra funds depending on equity. I'm seriously shocked that you would consider doing this out of guilt, when you stand to lose quite a lot and don't know the legal position this would put you in.

Don't do anything without legal advice, which he should get the bill for.

I have no idea at all why you would forfeit a 12K investment in these circumstances. I don't care if you left him after two months of marriage - that is neither here nor there to finances of this situation. You paid 12K toward a house which has almost certainly gone up in value. If you are in London or the SE, it will have gone up quite a lot.

You are more than entitled to have your deposit (I'm unclear how much that was) refunded. If he wants to own that house, he needs to buy your share of it. Do not sign over your rights to that house until he pays you back.

So you left him. It happens. You did not kick him out of the house or demand immediate repayment. You have waited 3 years until he is back on his feet financially and emotionally.

Seek legal advice and get your money back. Do not spend another minute conflating the guilt over your relationship with your investment in that property. And he is no position to grant your request or not at his whim. That's your money. You could take him to court for it.

I have some questions;-

If your name is on the deeds to the house then he cannot remortgage without your signature signing away your rights anyway.

Has your credit rating gone down because you are liable for an asset you don't actually own?

Capital gains tax on a property that is not your main residence - what are your liabilities?

I really do think you are in danger of losing more money rather than recouping your deposit - how much is anyone's guess.

You need to let a solicitor handle this for you and step back from trying to negotiate this yourself. Do NOT sign anything without your solicitors' say so.

Basically you are still paying for the furniture in the house if you still have that credit card debt. He has 3k of debt but you have 8k. And you are still paying for his furniture!

I understand you feel guilty but it seems you behaved honorably by leaving as soon as you realised you were having feelings for someone else. Your ex has even said he was unhappy too so you did both if you a favour.

As others have said you need proper legal advice. Please don't sign anything until you get advice. If he queries why I would just say you need to make sure you aren't liable for any capital gains tax. And that is a valid concern as others have mentioned.

I think you should ask for your part of the deposit. Any increase in equity since you left should be his.

You must trust each other. You trust him not to ruin your credit rating, he trusts you not to go for equity. I think asking for a deposit is fair - had you sold you would have got that back. He has benefitted from you not selling with equity.

See a solicitor and hopefully negotiate this in a way that doesn't cause conflict, as you both sound like reasonable people.

You should definitely get your deposit back.

The house is half yours. Really you should be entitled to half the equity. In some areas there has been very high increases in house values in the last 3 years. You could have quite a lot of equity (a lot more than £12k).

Your ex may have been paying the mortgage for 3 years but he should have been paying you half of the market rate rent for living in your property, which you could have paid half of the mortgage with (with some left over probably)

If he is unable to buy you out of your share of the property, my advice would be to keep your name on the deeds and charge rent which you can pay the mortgage with. I suspect when you suggest this he will find some money to give anyway. He knows he has done well out of this and knows you don't realise it. I feel you are being had.

You are in debt and need money for IVF yet you are willing to effectively give his new partner half of a very valuable asset which will no doubt increase in value very much in the coming years.

Sorry, but I think you are being foolish and I think your ex realises this. No wonder he is keeping you sweet being nice.