Would you write off this money from house with ex DP?

[Lauren83]

I was with my exdp for 5 years, for the last 2 I was really poorly and in and out of hospital then battling infertility, we had been engaged for a while and he suggested we got married I think to give me something to look forward to, before the wedding I had a meltdown and said it didn't feel right but we brushed over it and we had the wedding, the whole do cost £1,100 I wore a £30 dress and did the food myself the reception was in the garden and ceremony at the registry office.

2 months later I met the love of my love and I know its wrong I got my head turned but you know when you meet the one you realise what was wrong about everything you had before, anyway I left my ex and stayed in my brothers spare room for a while, we had bought a nice 4 bed house a year previous to which I put a few grand down as deposit, bought nearly half of everything in there and paid 40% of the mortgage every month which was over 1k between us, he was on a higher wage so could afford the mortgage alone I couldn't so me staying wasn't an option, we had signed a 3 year fixed term and he asked if I would keep my name on for him til the 3 years were up as they might not let him remortgage on his own, I did and the 3 years is now up, he met a new partner who is perfect for him and they now too are madly in love and she wants to go on the mortgage which works perfectly for him.

I wrote off everything a year of mortgage payments, my deposit and half of all the new furnishings and I was happy to draw a line under it due to the guilt I felt for leaving him so soon.

Anyway I'm due to sign the paperwork to remove myself now and a few people have said to me I should ask for my deposit back and/or some money towards what I paid out (must be around 12k)

Would I be unreasonable for asking? I don't know if I can bring myself to do it after everything, we are on good terms by the way. I'm just really in debt from having to buy everything from scratch when I left and started again renting

I need to decide before I sign but I feel for the choices I made morally I should write it off... I would only want the money to pay of debt
Help??

You need advice from a solicitor who specialises in property.

I understand how it must read to some people and I'm grateful for not getting a flaming thankyou, I was prepared for one.
I shouldn't of got married knowing how I felt and I shouldn't of got my head turned I accept, but I moved out as soon as I knew how I felt towards current DP, we worked together that's how we had spent time together but weren't behind anyone's back, there was no affair no dating 2 men at same time, I left and moved to my brothers as I knew I felt something huge for him but didn't know exactly how he felt about me so I never knew it would ever turn into anything but I hoped it did, I knew I couldn't ignore it, even if it didn't work out it opened my eyes and gave me the balls to walk away from a relationship that was all wrong, the marriage wasn't arranged out of love like I said infertility had kept me an the ex dp together longer than we should of

PersonOfInterest I need to clarify what's going on don't I first, will ask him exactly what's happening, I'm presuming they are remortgaging together as the 3 year term we had was a terrible deal just not much else available back then, I wouldn't of thought he was trying to pull a fast one he isn't like that but I guess if he is seeking advice his end from family and friends who think I wronged him then maybe he isn't being completely clear.

MimiSunshine I thought maybe there would be a fee to pay to sort everything out that I might be jointly liable for? I certainly couldn't afford it if there was. I need to check my back statements from back then as I can't remember exactly what I paid there was money going back and forth for everything and we had a joint savings account for years that the furniture and legal costs came out if etc

Iswallowedawatermelon if I went straight to renting I would of taken stuff but I had a period of time in my brothers spare room and had nowhere to store anything, I just took my personal belongings, everything was brand new too pretty much, I had to furnish the 2 bed terrace I'm in now with charity shop/second hand/ikea tat, not complaining though I'm happy!

BlackDaisies I know that worries me about the ivf. We are nhs funded at the mo but after that I would need 8k to fund a cycle, I did consider asking him to free up some money a couple of years ago as was warned all my operations might send me into the menopause early (I was 28) so I was keen to freeze my eggs but luckily DP knew we were on very limited time and we rushed through ivf so I could have a hysterectomy after but it was too late they diagnosed early menopause just before Xmas so I'm having a donor egg cycle (always risky mentioning ivf on here so sorry to those that don't agree with it)

I think you should take legal advice with a view to recovering at least your deposit. You don't owe him several thousand pounds compensation because your marriage didn't work out.

Please please do get expert advise.

I'm by no means one but the way I see it You could have forced sale back then, it may have been adding insult to injury but was your (anyone's) right.
You didn't and agreed to stay on the mortgage so he didn't have to remortgage and either pay an early cancellation fee or risk being rejected and the house having to be sold (that's your favour to him and 'compensation' for leaving if you like).

The mortgage deal is up so regardless of the personal circumstances the home owners have to remortgage (that's you an him)

1. Any fees he and 'new DP' incur getting a mortgage together are not yours to worry about / pay for.
2. Any solicitor fees for adding 'new DP' to the title deeds are not for you to worry about / pay for. However as it's removing you at the same time then you could contribute 1/3 if the cost.

He KNOWS he is screwing you over / diddling you out / pulling a fast one. To get a new mortgage the propery would have been valued, he knows what the original equity was (your deposits) and what it's increased by (through increased value / paying off more of the mortgage in the last 3yrs).
There's a small chance he is clueless and just hasn't thought about it but by the way he is handling it doesn't seem like it.
Please stop feeling guilty, so you left? So what, you both know it was a mistake, it wasn't in the not the worst of circumstances.
You get £12k back, he gets a fully furnished house I'd say you were still 'writing off' a lot

I think you should get your 12k back.

I also think you should get legal advice, it can still be amicable with your ex but at least you'll know where you stand

A close friend of mine stayed in a mtg with her ex and when his new partner was ready to move in she 'bought' my friend out of the mortgage and recouped some costs that way

I don't think you should just walk away, neither of you were happy, you just ended it first. Get the advice that way you can make an informed decision

Only a few grand (3k?) of the op's money contributed to the deposit. Forcing a sale at that stage is unlikely to have got much of that back after 1 year of ownership. The money spent on furniture is a separate issue.

I think you need urgent legal advice too.

Did you have a Declaration of Trust drawn up when you bought the house? Any decent solicitor would have advised you to do so, so that it was agreed and in writing as to what share you'd get in the event of death / sale etc.

Also, the solicitor will be acting on behalf of the mortgage company to ensure its interests are protected. Any transaction with a mortgage will require a licensed conveyancer / solicitor to deal with it.

But DO NOT sign anything without getting legal advice ASAP.

Logia, that's my understanding too. The £12k was not the deposit alone but the mortgage payments, furniture etc hardly any of which the OP would have got back if she had forced the sale when she left due to solicitors fees, penalty charges etc. She has had plenty of time to reclaim any furniture from the house if she wanted it.

Presumably the ex is now paying the solicitors costs to remove the OP and hasn't asked her for any.

She also mentions she was sick for two years prior to the marriage so presumably he supported her financially through that yet is not asking for it back or going through his bank statements to see what he can reclaim from her.

A clean break has worked for them so far, the least he deserves after what happened.

I love how it's him screwing her over despite the fact if this was reversed and the man had been ill then walked out of the marriage two months later the replies would be very different.

I left my marriage as I was extremely unhappy and could no longer cope with controlling xH. In doing so, I walked away from money which I could have argued for. I did so, as the money has enabled him to rebuild his life in a manageable manner, and because it would have cost more in court fees than I would have gained. It rankles at times, but I wanted out of the marriage for my mental wellbeing and that was the cost.

Exactly Happy. The OP is not due 12k. I don't know about legally, but most certainly not morally. Trying to claw back a couple/few thousand in this situation is unpleasant imo.

I agree that if this was the man who had his head turned and shipped out the responses would be different.

Have to say that I agree with those who have said that if roles were reversed the answers on here would be very different.

OP it depends on how much you want the money. If it went to court, you could end up with nothing and big solicitors bills.

Sorry not replying to everything I'm in work

He didn't support me I supported myself through my illness I worked, he was on triple what I was on that's why we split costs 60/40

The mortgage payments were in lieu of rent then like someone suggested, furniture I guess I have to write off, it was just my deposit I would of been keen to get back, as it happens he messaged me this morning saying their mortgage had gone through so to expect the paperwork soon

I did query would he able to access my deposit back as he had said a year or so ago he would try if he could but he just said no there's no money and he is 3k in debt so can't

He said he struggled to keep the house and would of sold it back then if he knew I was going to ask for my deposit back so I just said ok send the papers and I will sign it

Never mind your deposit - worry about the tax man. It doesn't sound as if you are in a position to wave a magic wand should a bill for several thousand land on your door mat right now!

I'd see a solicitor if only to make sure you don't have a capital gains tax bill due. I'm no expert on these things but owning property for a few years that is not your main residence can incur quite large taxes when the ownership changes. If your ownership is to end then you need to ensure that no loose ends are left behind and the only way to do that is via your own solicitor.

Being nice is all very well, but a bit of legal advice to cover you back seems like a smart idea. Find out exactly where you stand on the legal and tax front and only then can you consider making a "profit" out of the man who stuck by you in sickness and in health for 5 years and married you in good faith.

Honestly, he looked after you when you were sick and you treated him terribly running off with someone else just after the wedding. You behaved appallingly and treated him very badly. If a man had behaved like this Mumsnet would be having a fit.

I think the dignified thing to do would be to realize after what you've put this man through demanding money off him would really, really make your moral character completely and utterly bankrupt.

Write it off and look at it as the price you had to pay for treating another human so badly and don't do it again.

Incidentally have you had an MOT on your mental health? Your impulse control and judgement seems poor and it rings alarm bells for me of a possible manic phase.

I personally don't think my advice would've been different if this was a man posting. She had her head turned in a relationship she wasn't happy in and she left. She didn't shag around, she left. Her ex partner admitted he was also unhappy and the marriage wasn't even consummated! He couldn't buy her out then so they both did what suited them. I'm not saying she's due the whole £12k but seeking legal advice would be best option and then weigh up if it's worth asking for any money. If he genuinely doesn't have it, and it would cost more to go through a proper legal route and you don't want to sour your amicable relationship then I'd say leave it

I think you should get your deposit back. Not your mortgage payments as you lived there for a year. And I think it would be fair to for you to be reimbursed for the money you spent on the furniture you bought too (this is a bit harder after 3 years though).

If you had forced the sale when you split up you would have got your deposit back and would have been able to take your furniture or sell it, so I don't see why should be any worse off than that.

My DH's then fiancée left him for someone else just after they'd bought a house (at her instigation) and she kept the engagement ring he'd bought as well as demanding he pay her legal fees for transferring the mortgage and pay her for any furniture etc she'd bought. Now that was U. He went along with it though.

Incidentally have you had an MOT on your mental health? Your impulse control and judgement seems poor and it rings alarm bells for me of a possible manic phase

No MH issues here

You mean marrying when I shouldn't of done? Like I said I tried cancelling but we brushed over it, my judgment was clouded with being ill and the infertility kept us together when it shouldn't, I'm just glad for both our sakes I had the balls to walk away, how many people stay in something that's not right because its easier?

As for judgment? Think my judgment from the wedding onwards was pretty good considering everyone's happy now? I didn't have a fling that lasted 2 weeks on a whim

Thanks Moomaid, for the sake of 3k I wouldn't want to sour the relationship so him saying no is enough for me I won't try again

Bochead thanks for the pointers on that

aermingers what a ridiculous comment. "An MOT on your mental health"?

And since when does leaving an unhappy relationship (especially with no DC) mean one should have to pay thousands of pounds to the ex partner for nothing? She was the one brave enough to call time on it, she shouldn't be punished for that.

How much was your part of the deposit? Can you afford fertility treatment without getting any of this money back? I wouldn't be willing to risk not being able to afford fertility treatment for the sake of not causing waves, but if that isn't your situation and your contribution to the deposit wasn't huge, then you might be right to leave it.

Thanks PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice I was a bit shocked at that

He didn't support me through ill health, we were together yes but the support I got was with my new DP, one of our first dates was at the hospital where I was having surgery, me and the ex had no psychical relationship and sat in different rooms of an evening, I went to all my medical appts alone, we didn't go anywhere together, we didn't do anything, we weren't happy, we didn't even spend the reception together the whole thing was a mess I just had the sense to end it, yes if new DP hadn't made me realise how unhappy I was I might of plodded along longer but luckily for me and EXH I made the break, he says now he didn't realise how unhappy he was too and we laugh and say 'what were we thinking getting married' he was very quickly in a new relationship and they are as loved up as me and my DP

I knew on the day of my wedding when I looked at my ex that I didn't feel how I should of felt, I spent a 1-2 months thinking about it then I left

aermingers I'm wondering if you also think its wrong I'm having ivf with a man 2 years after a failed wedding, yes it's soon but in an ideal world I wouldn't be in the menopause and needing a hysterectomy but times not on my side so we knew we had to move quick, but when you meet the one you have no doubt and you realise everything you thought you knew above love before was wrong

You could broach it as "well if I am coming off the mortgage then it makes sense to sort the deeds out as well - that would mean me taking out my equity so before you finalise your new mortgage we should discuss it..." Gives you an opening without coming across as changing your mind - possibly a misunderstanding all round etc

aermingers have my first

Op please get some legal advice.

My advice would also be the same if you were a man. You made a mistake together. You were honest. You're both better off emotionally but financially he is quids in.