To have gone to ds when he was upset? Dh thinks so....

[Tory79]

To the extent that he's not speaking to me!

So dh took ds (2.8) up for his bath and bed last night. Ds was overtired I think, and for whatever reason, bath time quickly descended in to a hysterical screaming fit on the part of ds, typical toddler issues of want to get in bath/dont want to get in bath etc etc but from downstairs I could ds doing those horrible chokey sobs, despite dhs best efforts to calm him. So I went upstairs, poked my head round the bathroom door and dh asked me to go away and let him handle it - I went back downstairs.

A few minutes later ds could be heard wailing for me at the top of the stairs, clearly no calmer and really wanting mummy. So I went back up, ave him a cuddle and stayed up there for about 5m until he was calmer, then I went back downstairs and dh finished putting him to bed. When he came down he was clearly annoyed and we spent the rest of the evening in silence. The same thing happened about 4 weeks ago as well.

So, I think I was not being unreasonable to have gone to ds, on the basis that Ds has no problem with dh putting him to bed, they normally have a whale of a time. It's not like we have a problem to fix iykwim. Ds was just overtired, and to be frank I'm better at calming him down than dh is - if I'd not gone up dh would probably have ended up getting cross and putting ds to bed still upset.
Or was I being unreasonable because dh wanted me to let him deal with it?

Urgh! Can of worms.

I am (possibly) going to be controversial and say that I think what you did was right. I think your DH is being childish.

Yes, men are sometimes sidelined/trivialised in regard to their parenting skills but Tory did not say anything about her DH's parenting or in any way suggest he was doing something wrong.

Children can be manipulative, but also young children are totally irrational and illogical.

I've got a DD of 3. Yesterday I took her out to the shops and she had a full-on tantrum about me not buying her a scooter. I explained why I couldn't buy it very calmly, getting down to her level, and looking at her. Cue her screaming, crying, stamping her feet and generally 'carrying on'. I noticed some judgy pant hoiking going on which in turn made me feel cross.
I persuaded her to come out of the shop and she then tried to lie on the pavement to carry on tantrumming. Instead of ignoring or shouting, I gave her a cuddle. Tantrum ended.

She had got to the near-hysteria stage which meant that if she didn't calm down we'd have had vomiting (she used to do this at bedtime at around 18m). Once she was calm we talked about it, she said sorry. We had another cuddle, end of.

There have been times in the past when we've had screaming/sobbing/hysteria at bedtime. Sometimes I've had to go to her when DH has been dealing with that, sometimes vice versa.

As someone said upthread, parenting is not a competition. The aim is to have your child as happy as possible without being spoiled. If that means that one parent administers and extra hug, so be it.

Tory,

But the message from his perspective might be:

'Naughty daddy made me have a bath. I told him off and mummy came and agreed with me'.

"And if the situation was reversed and he was hysterically crying for dh who was downstairs I would expect him to do the same (and would have called for him if he didn't come on his own!!)"

But the point is that your DH wanted to deal with this by himself.

On the other hand, if a man interfered in something a woman was doing e.g a spreadsheet, fixing something because he felt he was 'needed' (I.e could do a better job) the cries of sexism here would be loud and numerous.

This isn't about a spreadsheet. It's about a person who has feelings! Very, very different

'Naughty daddy made me have a bath. I told him off and mummy came and agreed with me'.

A two year old's perspective is more likely to be "Daddy made me have a bath and I was sad. When Mummy gave me a cuddle I felt better. Then Daddy put me to bed". It wouldn't cross their mind to wonder whether Mummy agreed with Daddy unless someone planted the thought there.

When I went up he was begging to go back IN to the bath

I dont like all this 'you undermine him' business.

It is not about his ego ffs.

So a 2 yr old is expected to be emotionally mature even when tired and to not have a hug from his mum but a grown up man is right to sulk and to have attention from his wife. Oh the irony!

laquitar

Its not about his ego, that is a strawman argument, the same as sulking and all the other terms used to describe the DP.

It is about being a team, and being equal and being able to do a task.

I am fairly sure that if the DP had asked for help and the OP was complaining about that then we would have "what will he do if your not there" "its not fair that you will have to do all the childcare" etc.

Hi OP, you seem to be missing that although you have only intervened twice your child has only got this upset twice - so you haven't given your husband the opportunity to deal with things on his own. If this was a more regular occurrence and you had only intervened twice then you YWNBU but as it is YWBU.

I can understand that it's hard and it can seem so much easier to swing into help but your child is nearly 3, old enough to be left at pre-school IMO this is the age when you should start to not always come running if your child cries for you when there is another parent dealing with them.

We had this both ways, we would ask each other if they wanted to swap out, if the answer was no we would respect that. If the tantrum continued we'd ask again, in a "hey are you ok, partner?" manner. But again would respect the answer. Sometimes we would say to each other, if they weren't coping "you need to walk away" but this doesn't sound as if this was the case. On occasion, when I was pregnant with my second child I would say to my husband that I NEEDED to take over because I was starting to get upset and he would accept it. The important thing is that we worked as a team (often with a parental timeout for a quick supportive hug)

I think your husband is being unreasonable to sulk but I'm a bit confused - you said he went straight out for a walk and by the time he came back you were annoyed. Why? Did he slam out of the house or something? I only ask as it is my favoured calming down strategy - go out for a quick walk and get a bit of space. I'd be a bit if I came back from a walk to find my husband cross with me.

It is about being a team, and being equal and being able to do a task.

Being equal doesn't mean you have the same skills. One important skill is recognising when it is appropriate to call on the resources of another person who can provide something you can't at that moment.

I don't disagree with the action op, but I don't see you saying you've given your dh much reassurance about your respect for his parenting. While I have done what you did, I'd be kind to my husband after, I don't think you have to be hugely over sensitive to be a bit upset when your partner ignores your feelings. Plus it's hard for them, not being around as much and paying that price.

susyot I was annoyed because I knew he'd come back and not talk to me - that's what normally happens! And I do find it annoying! I wouldn't have minded if he's been going for a walk and I knew he'd come back ready to talk about it. And gem35 again, we would have been able to talk about it if it wasn't for the fact that he erm, wouldn't talk about it

Surely he's talking to you today?

Yanbu your little boy needed his mummy.

' your little boy needed his mummy.'

He had his daddy! And his mummy is standing in the way of letting him have the same relationship she has with teh child.If you never let your DH comfort him, he will always want you not daddy

gen yes he is but my dsd is here so no chance to talk yet.

sunshine have you read my other posts?! Dh generally gets on with things with ds with no interference from me whatsoever. It's just been a couple of occasions that it's felt different and I've gone to him.

Reading over all the new posts on this thread makes me think back to the 15 years of single parenthood before the fella and this second baby came along.

Some nights I would have given my left tit to see a friendly face pop round the bathroom door offering some back-up.

Some people just don't know how lucky they are. OP why don't you head off on a nice holiday by yourself for a few days and see if your DH feels 'undermined' when you get back? :D

If you never let your DH comfort him, he will always want you not daddy

As the OP hasn't said that she never lets her DH comfort his DS I fail to see how that comment is relevant.

She has intervened on two occasions when it was getting out of hand and her DH's attempts at comforting him weren't working. I'm sure there are lots of other occasions during the last month when he has managed perfectly well.

'So a 2 yr old is expected to be emotionally mature even when tired and to not have a hug from his mum but a grown up man is right to sulk and to have attention from his wife. Oh the irony!'
Exactly! Give the child (and mum) a break. All this 'train your child to do as daddy says, forget about mummy because she's pregnant' nonsense is unbelievable. A 2yr old was overtired. One hug from mummy is not going to turn him into a spoilt and manipulative child.

If my DH had intervened because he assumed his care was what a crying DC of ours needed and that mine was inadequate I would be fuming.

I just intervened between DH and DD because she'd dropped her dinner on the floor. DH was getting a bit heated, DD is tired and was getting very upset.

I didn't say "Oh you're useless, let ME do it!". I came into the room and asked if I could help. I helped mop up and then gave DD a cuddle whilst DH redid a plate of food.

I don't think the OP was saying or implying anything about her DH being or appearing inadequate, she simply stepped in to prevent her DS becoming more upset than he already was.

Personally I'd rather someone intervened and calm down my child (even if this temporarily put my nose out of joint) than have to deal with a hysterical child at bedtime.

Sulking is childish.

Well...DH asked to be left to sort it and you ignored him so in my book YABU in ignoring his request. I know it's hard when they're calling for you but that goes with the the territory.

The two of you have to be a united front as one toddler has more determination than several adults!

I think if your DS was very distressed and wanted mummy then it's down to your DH to be man enough to accept that and put it above his need for autonomy.

I mean it's one thing if you have an agreement that x always does the washing, y does the cooking. You should respect boundaries and not intrude on the others autonomy. Same is true up to a point with kids - so what if a DH doesn't dress the kids the same way the DW would, so what if he organises his day with them differently and so on. You do have to respect the other parent.

On the other hand you have to balance that with the needs of the child. If your DS was sobbing and heaving, he wanted you.

Your DH should accept that and certainly not sulk all night over it. Fair enough to comment that he felt a bit undermined but not to keep silence for hours.

PS I don't see why Dad giving a bath then mum giving a cuddle in some way is "disunited" parenting.

Also the fact is that I am no.1 parent (at this particular point in my kids lives). DH is no.2 parent. If they are very upset or very anxious they want me. My DH is fine with this.