To have gone to ds when he was upset? Dh thinks so....

[Tory79]

To the extent that he's not speaking to me!

So dh took ds (2.8) up for his bath and bed last night. Ds was overtired I think, and for whatever reason, bath time quickly descended in to a hysterical screaming fit on the part of ds, typical toddler issues of want to get in bath/dont want to get in bath etc etc but from downstairs I could ds doing those horrible chokey sobs, despite dhs best efforts to calm him. So I went upstairs, poked my head round the bathroom door and dh asked me to go away and let him handle it - I went back downstairs.

A few minutes later ds could be heard wailing for me at the top of the stairs, clearly no calmer and really wanting mummy. So I went back up, ave him a cuddle and stayed up there for about 5m until he was calmer, then I went back downstairs and dh finished putting him to bed. When he came down he was clearly annoyed and we spent the rest of the evening in silence. The same thing happened about 4 weeks ago as well.

So, I think I was not being unreasonable to have gone to ds, on the basis that Ds has no problem with dh putting him to bed, they normally have a whale of a time. It's not like we have a problem to fix iykwim. Ds was just overtired, and to be frank I'm better at calming him down than dh is - if I'd not gone up dh would probably have ended up getting cross and putting ds to bed still upset.
Or was I being unreasonable because dh wanted me to let him deal with it?

I don't know, OP, I think maybe in future if you believe that DH is trying to calm him down, not antagonising him further, then it might be more helpful to leave them to it just to give him a chance to develop his own way of doing that. If they're locking horns and winding each other up then he might be glad of a break which can make a sort of fresh start.

I do think it's unfair to children to deny them comfort on the basis of discipline but I don't think from what you say this is the case? The thing is that you've spent more time with DS, so you find it easier, but you probably had times with him, especially when he was younger, when you couldn't calm him down and you had to find out, on your own, what worked.

The problem was though Bertie that in that case dhs efforts to calm him down were what was antagonising ds! Because it wasn't what he needed right then, or that's certainly how it seemed to me.

I do think in hindsight though that after dh had asked me to leave him alone I should possibly have left him to it on this occasion and then had a discussion with him afterwards about what would have been the best course of action (which yes, I still think was me just giving ds a 5m cuddle!)

YANBU at all. Sometimes toddlers just want their mums when upset and tired. My ds is the same at bedtime and I usually have to step in or he would get hysterical which there's no need for.

Tell your DH to grow up

So you criticise what your DH chooses to feed your child when he has him. You step in at bath time even though your DH has asked you to let him handle it. And rather tellingly, you're agreeing with posters who say yanbu and ignoring or defending yourself to people who are sympathetic to your DH which implies you're not looking for a discussion, just affirmation that you are right.

I imagine your DH feels constantly belittled by this even though I am sure you aren't trying to do this deliberately. Plus feeling pushed out of his dd's life isn't going to help. But low level irritation at the way he does things (implying your way is better) then stepping in to a situation where he has already said he doesn't want help is what's led to this.

You were very unreasonable but as you don't want to hear the other viewpoint I suspect you will either ignore this post or come up with a defensive answer to show you were right.

When your DH has calmed down and is ready to talk, I suggest you start by apologising for stepping in and recognising that your DH is an equal in parenting but that you find it hard to listen to your son crying without wanting to rush in. Ask him what he wants you to do when it happens again (it will!) and listen to him instead of overriding what he says.

YANBU. My dh gets cross if he perceives me thinking I can comfort one of our children better than he can, but I'll never not go to my child if they need me (and you know the difference between being contrary and genuine distress). Once, I didn't go to my oldest after he had fallen and dh was cuddling him, but he was crying "Mummy" - I see it as one of the low points of my parenting that I put the fact that dh might have his nose put out of joint above the fact that ds needed my comfort, and wanted me.

If they cried for him, I'd expect him to go to them right away.

I think your dh was BU to want to deny your child you when they needed you, tbh.

It sounds to me like a power struggle between you and dh...I don't think it's just this event...there must be more to this situation.

My dp would never feel the need to tell me to go downstairs if our dd was so upset...or me to tell him to either. It would be about calming our dd down that would take priority.....especially when it's not a discipline issue.

Is you dh normally a sulky person? I find it odd that he's taken it this far as to stop speaking to you..do you pick at him without realising maybe?

there is a difference between upset and tantrum if they are upset i would step in but for a tantrum i would not

your DH is acting like a child "not speaking to you" mine would have handed him over and said "your turn"

hic did you read the sort of thing dh gives ds to eat?? Yes I think it's wrong and yes I tell him so!

Is it only acceptable if I see the error of my ways? I would say there is a pretty even split between those who would have done the same and those who think iabu. I have read every single response, and the simple fact is that reading the replies of some of those who think iwbu has just confirmed to me that that's not the way I think and not the way I parent.

I did agree in my last post that I probably should have handled it differently on this particular occasion however, but nonetheless having read every post on this thread thoroughly I am comfortable that I would continue to go to ds if he was in genuine distress and I was able to help, even if dh was already with him. I will talk about this to dh though.

eles unfortunately this is is dhs usual way of reacting when I've annoyed him somehow, whatever it's about.

It's his usual way of reacting when he's fed up with you about something?

Why does that not surprise me.

So I went back up, gave him a cuddle and stayed up there for about 5m until he was calmer, then I went back downstairs and dh finished putting him to bed.

What can anyone say is wrong with that? You didn't 'take over', otherwise you would have carried on and put ds to bed. You just calmed your child, then left dh to it. He's probably miffed that he wasn't able to settle ds.

As far as I'm concerned, if I know that I can intervene and make a fraught situation better for all concerned, (and first and foremost the dc), then I wouldn't not do so because of following some sort of 'domestic protocol'.

As far as I'm concerned, if I know that I can intervene and make a fraught situation better for all concerned, (and first and foremost the dc), then I wouldn't not do so because of following some sort of 'domestic protocol'.

Exactly. Also vice-versa, I would hate to think DH would stand back and allow one of our DS's to get distressed if he felt he could help in fear of upsetting me. That just doesn't sound right.

There seems to be an awful lot of tip toeing about and not enough common sense.

We are talking about a grown man here.

Someone in that house needs a timeout but it's not the toddler.

On a rare occasion that a wee one melts down and needs mum, dad gets huffy? Fuck me, in this house we kiss each other's feet for stepping in to lend support. Working together to defuse a situation like this is the opposite of undermining, despite DH's untruthful claim that he was 'handling it'

I would hate to think DH would stand back and allow one of our DS's to get distressed if he felt he could help in fear of upsetting me

Spot on.

I also know that there have been occasional times when one of us was going head to head with one of our DDs and the other has come and offered to take over. We generally see the sense in it because we don't feel threatened by the idea that the other one may do something better than we can.

Same here with our DSs Gold.

IMO that is actual equal parenting, working together fix the situation. Not holding off in case the other parent throws a strop and gives you the silent treatment.

If that's the way your dh behaves when upset....then you know where the problem is. This is his issue...not yours..and as someone said before, someone needs time out....and it's not your ds!

He's being really childish IMO...and if he has a problem (whether it feeling inadequate or feeling undermined in some way) he really needs to grow up and discuss it like an adult...not sulk like a child. You obviously need to address his behaviour first. It's impossible to live life walking on eggshells in case you upset him. It's hard to live with a sulker...I know from experience. You'll end up frustrated and living your life in silence for fear of his tantrums...you really need to talk. Going to comfort your child when they're so upset should be a natural reaction as a parent... Don't end up with your dh making you judge yourself...

This is such a tough one.

YABU to go back in after your dh had asked you not to but he WBU to send you downstairs instead of comforting your ds.

You need to have a proper chat with your dh about comfort and disciple.

Well, me and DP have been known to say, "I think mummy/ daddy is wrong about that," in front of our children. So maybe I'm the wrong person to ask. But, really, undermining? It's such an odd concept to apply to a situation where the child is upset, like somehow your DH was expecting to command the child to calm down and now it won't work as you've gone and offered him actual comfort.

I remember early days arguments when my DP felt really on the back foot with DS and really self conscious about it, and was hyper sensitive to perceived criticism like me, I don't know, helping somehow. But really, there's only so much you can defer to this insecurity. When it's a choice between a grown man's insecurities and a little child's needs, well, it's a no brainer, right?

At the same time, you've got to have that in a conversation. If he's constantly feeling undermined by your help and suggestions, you might want to work out between the two of you what'd help him develop confidence. But no one truly confident is undermined by someone saying, 'have you tried this/ can I help' so I don't buy the idea you have to back off for him to feel better about this. Specially not when your child is crying for you.

If I tried to guess at the reasoning behind it I would say it relates to my dsd - dh has felt enormously pushed out of her life and I think he is over sensitive to anything that makes him feel at all the same about ds.

That is interesting.

And incidentally if anyone in your house is being manipulative I think the adult person who gives his partner the silent treatment when upset about something is streets ahead of an overtired not-quite-2-yo.

Yabvu

You interfered and I would be annoyed if I was your dh.

If I was the parent doing the bath bed etc routine and dh came and did that I would say to him that he can come and take over completely and finish the job! and leave him to it!

Step back and don't interfere unless you are asked for help.

Really Iswallowed?

If you DH came to check on his upset child and help out you would huff off?

Why?

Yes if he just came in to comfort and then disappeared again quickly afterwards. I would be annoyed.

If he came and stayed to help that would be fine. Or if he asked me (nicely) if I wanted him to take over that would be fine as well.

But I would annoyed with him dropping in and then out so quickly.

The child was what I call TBAR (tired beyond all reason). Everything else is moot.

YANBU! I would (and have, many times) done the same. Pointless to stand on points of principle or quibble about precedents and He Must Learn ( )when a baby / child is in that state.

I think YWBU to intervene.

I think your DH is being childish to give you the silent treatment though.

If ever this happens with our DCs, we have a deal where we always let the parent deal with it who is dealing with it IYSWIM, help can always be requested if parent dealing decides they need it. A united parenting approach is important I think, where on parent back up the other in front of the DC (afterwards differences/parenting strategies can be sorted out)

I love my kids - but they're kids and they are not the boss of the house - parents are - and they need boundaries and to know they can't have a paddy and play one parent off against the other. I'd have let DH deal and put DC to bed and let DC blow themselves out if need be. Then have a chat with DH after.

I understand the instinct to go and comfort but in the long term, having an inconsistent (good cop bad cop) parenting could build up behaviour that bites you on the arse.

Ywbu to undermine your dh.
Maybe you could have told ds to wait until daddy finished the bath and get pj's on and mummy would come up to read a story. It's different to going up wanting to take over.
It certainly will bite you on the arse if you do this regularly.
Your dh is being a dick for the silent treatment btw.