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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have gone to ds when he was upset? Dh thinks so....

267 replies

Tory79 · 06/06/2014 13:15

To the extent that he's not speaking to me!

So dh took ds (2.8) up for his bath and bed last night. Ds was overtired I think, and for whatever reason, bath time quickly descended in to a hysterical screaming fit on the part of ds, typical toddler issues of want to get in bath/dont want to get in bath etc etc but from downstairs I could ds doing those horrible chokey sobs, despite dhs best efforts to calm him. So I went upstairs, poked my head round the bathroom door and dh asked me to go away and let him handle it - I went back downstairs.

A few minutes later ds could be heard wailing for me at the top of the stairs, clearly no calmer and really wanting mummy. So I went back up, ave him a cuddle and stayed up there for about 5m until he was calmer, then I went back downstairs and dh finished putting him to bed. When he came down he was clearly annoyed and we spent the rest of the evening in silence. The same thing happened about 4 weeks ago as well.

So, I think I was not being unreasonable to have gone to ds, on the basis that Ds has no problem with dh putting him to bed, they normally have a whale of a time. It's not like we have a problem to fix iykwim. Ds was just overtired, and to be frank I'm better at calming him down than dh is - if I'd not gone up dh would probably have ended up getting cross and putting ds to bed still upset.
Or was I being unreasonable because dh wanted me to let him deal with it?

OP posts:
sykadelic · 07/06/2014 02:25

So if you weren't there to cuddle and calm your child, then what? Does your child only need to be calmed when you're nearby?

YWBU because you weren't needed. You wanted to feel needed, but you weren't. Your child wasn't hurt, your husband wasn't hurting him, and he was perfectly capable (or needs to learn to be) of settling him down.

He asked you to leave him to it, you should have respected his decision and talked about it later, as you mentioned. Stop thinking you're always right, you no doubt have an air about you, a certain look every time he does something "wrong".

He isn't hurting his son by choosing to feed him different things, and if he only feeds him occasionally (you being primary carer) you can't know it would always be like that.

Also, just because your son doesn't normally do it, doesn't mean he won't, and doesn't mean he isn't starting.

Talk to your husband now and come to an agreement about differing opinions. It's hard not to have different opinions and ways of handling situations, so it's important that you figure out a plan of action sooner rather than later.

naturalbaby · 07/06/2014 06:17

'And if baby wants Mummy when she's in labour or breast feeding new baby?'
My baby was asleep when I was in labour (at home) so still got his mummy cuddle as soon as he got up. He could still sit with me and have a cuddle while I was breast feeding.

crispyporkbelly · 07/06/2014 07:33

Ofgs it's not undermining anyone, it's calming your child down. I doubt the op was even thinking of her dh, she was just wanting to calm her baby down. Parents are a team not battling it all out individually. Weird pov.

HicDraconis · 07/06/2014 07:43

100% agree with sykadelic.

OP, you need to learn to take a back seat occasionally. I did read what your DH feeds your child and you know what? I feed mine the same, occasionally. Mostly they are fed healthy meals but occasionally if we feel like pizza or chips, we eat pizza. And chips.

Everything in moderation - including Your Way of Doing Things.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 07/06/2014 08:07

Surely it's about parenting as a team not a competition?

If one of us is struggling with DS the other will come and see if we're alright or need help. Sometimes that may well be a cuddle from the other parent. I've never seen it as undermining, neither has DH.

Original poster
Tory79 · 07/06/2014 08:16

I need to learn to take a back seat? Because I've gone upstairs a couple of times in the last few months to calm down an overly distressed little boy? And because I think dh should at least make a token effort to ensure ds has a bit of fruit and veg when he's looking after him? (Because surely by some peoples logic ds is going to EXPECT takeaway crap whenever dh is looking after him and will always refuse anything different...) I have no problem with ds eating some rubbish now and again, I do have a problem with it being every single time!

Of course I have every faith in dhs ability to look after ds and keep him safe, if I didn't I wouldn't go away and leave them on their own. But I wasn't away, I was there, and (whatever you think sykadelic)on this occasion he did NEED me, which I think is evidenced by the fact I only had to spend a few minutes up there and then he went happily back to daddy.

Several people have made the very good point that there will be many occasions when I just don't have the option to go to ds, he will naturally learn that in time. I don't see there is any need to artificially create circumstances to force our tiny child to go without a quick cuddle from the person he spends 90% of his time with. However I have also said that there have been times when it's clear ds is just grumpy or being a bugger and he'll call for me or cry then and I happily leave dh to get on with it because that's a very different situation to this!

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 07/06/2014 08:20

He didn't need you. He wanted you. Had you not been there, your DH would have coped.

And yes, you sound like you think everything your DH does is wrong and you let him know this. Poor guy.

Original poster
Tory79 · 07/06/2014 08:27

Ok hic we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one. As far as I'm concerned, at his age it's still possible for ds to really need to make contact with me, rather than just want or prefer it.

OP posts:
curiousuze · 07/06/2014 08:30

So what, hic? Her baby wanted a cuddle, rather than 'needed' one. Who fucking cares? He's TWO.

OP if I were you if hide this thread. It's gone a bit hysterical. I hope you can save your marriage after committing the huge crime of hugging your child Grin

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2014 08:44

I think people are to hung up on undermining sometimes the other parent can diifuse situations and q blubbering sobbing 2 yr old isnt the best time for a battle of wills

TortillasAndChocolate · 07/06/2014 08:47

He's still just a baby. He wasn't being naughty, he was tired and needed his mummy. I think you did the right thing and your DH is being silly. Sometimes I think people expect too much of their toddlers.

Goldmandra · 07/06/2014 08:49

Had you not been there, your DH would have coped.

The fact that the person caring for the child could cope if they had to doesn't justify excluding the person who can calm and settle the child best when he has gone beyond reason.

All sorts of people have cared for my children and would cope if I were not available but there are times when it is better for all concerned that I am the one comforting or supporting them because I am the person who has done it most and can do it best.

That doesn't undermined anyone else, although it may make them feel threatened if they are already insecure about their own role in my child's life.

TortillasAndChocolate · 07/06/2014 08:50

I'm not sure what the difference is between need and want for a 2 year old, and who cares either way? I have a 3 year old and he gets cuddles when he's that upset (which he was 2 nights ago at bedtime)

TortillasAndChocolate · 07/06/2014 08:54

Totally agree goldmandra

I think maybe I need to hide this thread. it's making me really annoyed reading through it and it's got nothing to do with me (or maybe I will start a new thread 'am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at this thread?') Grin

curiousuze · 07/06/2014 09:03

Not a Fred about a Fred tortillas!

Original poster
Tory79 · 07/06/2014 09:03

Yes that's exactly how I see it as well gold. Of course ds would have survived if I wasn't there. I'm not at all precious about keeping him to myself, he spends loads of time with my Pil, adores my mum who has had him overnight on a number of occasions, and has plenty of alone time with dh including overnight. And each time I trust that he'll be just fine even if he does get upset. But I WAS there this time, so why would I not go to him?

OP posts:
NickiFury · 07/06/2014 09:10

You're not in the wrong, you're just not. Are you supposed to ignore both your and ds's instincts in favour of a sulky, grown man? No!

The only person in the wrong here is the grown ADULT who demanded that the rest of the household did things his way and is now sulking because they didn't.

As previous posters have said, surely working together as a team and everyone being happy is preferable than stropping around because on this particular night an overtired and stressed out toddler wanted one parent over the other? Ridiculous.

OP is he talking to you yet? THREE days later? Hmm

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 07/06/2014 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls · 07/06/2014 10:12

Anyone with an ounce of sense can see this is not black and white and is context dependent. Of course it is not a crime to comfort a distressed child. On the other hand, if a man interfered in something a woman was doing e.g a spreadsheet, fixing something because he felt he was 'needed' (I.e could do a better job) the cries of sexism here would be loud and numerous.

Both parties need to learn to be tolerant and work together.

Original poster
Tory79 · 07/06/2014 10:27

Larry I do mostly agree, but it's a simple fact that I am the primary carer and dh is away a lot! So yes ds adores daddy, but just now and again he wants me over anyone else because I'm the one that's always there. It has nothing to do with me feeling I could do a better job and everything to do with what ds needed just for that moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tory79 · 07/06/2014 10:28

But no, it's definitely not black and white.

OP posts:
andsmile · 07/06/2014 10:36

yes this happened with our toddler. Happended at bedtime lastnight actually.

I stepped in and calmed her down suggested a book first then she went off to bed with no bother.

Iam a SAHP so I think we both recognise that I maybe know her a little better sometimes - certainly at the minute I know her new words that arent that clearn whereas DH may not be up to speed (long hours blah blah not here uring week much).

But also I think sometimes there are things that Im better at than DH and somethings he is better at. There are times when he has stepped in when he can see im at the end of my tether.

larrygrylls · 07/06/2014 10:39

Tory,

I do take your point but what would have happened had you not been there? I have two, a bit older now (3.5 and 5) and it is remarkable how often they can switch a tantrum off when they realise it is not having the desired effect. We teach them that 'crying for nothing' is not good behaviour but we are always there for them in case of real need. They do get this and often tell it to each other. (Of course, they also use it as a tool to get each other in trouble).

I do think building resilience within a warm supportive environment is one of a parent's jobs and it is far easier to just give in. Of course, only you know your individual child and his behaviour.

Original poster
Tory79 · 07/06/2014 10:47

Larry, I've already said that though. He would have been ok in the end, whether that meant he ended up crying himself to sleep or whether dh would have eventually managed to calm him down, I know that. But I WAS there! I don't think he needs me so much that I have to stay with him all the time just in case, but on this occasion I was there and could help him, and most importantly I could tell he was in genuine distress, and rather than leave him in that state I chose to give him a quick cuddle. And if the situation was reversed and he was hysterically crying for dh who was downstairs I would expect him to do the same (and would have called for him if he didn't come on his own!!)

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/06/2014 10:54

Anyone with an ounce of sense can see this is not black and white and is context dependent. Of course it is not a crime to comfort a distressed child. On the other hand, if a man interfered in something a woman was doing e.g a spreadsheet, fixing something because he felt he was 'needed' (I.e could do a better job) the cries of sexism here would be loud and numerous.

I clearly haven't had enough coffee yet to wake up because I can't grasp what spreadsheets have to do with a small person blubbing at the end of a long day.