To have gone to ds when he was upset? Dh thinks so....

[Tory79]

To the extent that he's not speaking to me!

So dh took ds (2.8) up for his bath and bed last night. Ds was overtired I think, and for whatever reason, bath time quickly descended in to a hysterical screaming fit on the part of ds, typical toddler issues of want to get in bath/dont want to get in bath etc etc but from downstairs I could ds doing those horrible chokey sobs, despite dhs best efforts to calm him. So I went upstairs, poked my head round the bathroom door and dh asked me to go away and let him handle it - I went back downstairs.

A few minutes later ds could be heard wailing for me at the top of the stairs, clearly no calmer and really wanting mummy. So I went back up, ave him a cuddle and stayed up there for about 5m until he was calmer, then I went back downstairs and dh finished putting him to bed. When he came down he was clearly annoyed and we spent the rest of the evening in silence. The same thing happened about 4 weeks ago as well.

So, I think I was not being unreasonable to have gone to ds, on the basis that Ds has no problem with dh putting him to bed, they normally have a whale of a time. It's not like we have a problem to fix iykwim. Ds was just overtired, and to be frank I'm better at calming him down than dh is - if I'd not gone up dh would probably have ended up getting cross and putting ds to bed still upset.
Or was I being unreasonable because dh wanted me to let him deal with it?

Well, I think being part of a parenting team means that you don't sit in another room whilst your partner is coping with a toddler tantrum on their own - you go to help. My dh and I always would. Fine, we can manage on our own but when we're both there, we'll both help. I'd be pissed off if he was relaxing on the sofa whilst I was trying to wrestle an enraged 2yo into pyjamas against his will; I'd want him to come and back me up.

And I'd be secretly pleased if toddler in question then developed a momentary but unquenchable preference for Daddy so that I could skip off downstairs guilt-free, quite frankly.

Of course it was undermining your DH. He specifically asked you to leave them alone to get on with things.

Yes, I think the crucial point here is that OP's husband asked her to let him get on with it.

Can I ask whether those of you (including OP's DH) would also see it as undermining if DS had a sibling, who'd gone to comfort him?

I think it's hard to let a child get massively distressed, if a bit of positive 'stroking' will see them right. The only reasonable exception I can envisage is when you're implementing a tantrum management strategy - if the top of the stairs is where he's supposed to go and let off steam, fair enough; just cast him an understanding eye and leave him to it.

If there's some sort of battle for control going on between the parents, that's awful for the child.

Yanbu.

How is it undermining? Parenting isn't mutually exclusive whereby the mum cannot say anything if the dad is there or vice versa. Sometimes the other one has to help out.

I bet your DH felt helpless because he couldn't calm ds down. He should try and learn from you not sulk.

Cross posted with Princess saying exactly the same thing! Why would you prolong their distress and your own when you can work together and resolve everyone's misery more quickly? Toddlers aren't Machiavellian geniuses seeking out parental weaknesses to exploit - they live in the moment and if at the moment they want a cuddle from one particular parent, why deny it?

" We don't give in to his demands, even when the tears break me. We think it sets a precedent he'll play on"

can i just ask, why?
i mean... what bad thing will happen if you do as he asks?

in a general (this isn't aimed at you particularly fifi) I think we're really hard on kids in these situations. we expect kids to come when we call them, do as they're told etc and yet when they request something like this we say no just in case they do it all the time? it makes no sense!

these are really, really small children! things that seem insignificant to us mean the world to them. Does it really, actually matter if they get to choose which parent puts them to bed??

He did, yes, and initially I did as he asked but it was clear ds was only getting more distressed.

We don't give in to his demands, even when the tears break me. We think it sets a precedent he'll play on

Blimey that's awful.

"Of course it was undermining your DH. He specifically asked you to leave them alone to get on with things."

really?? so that means the OP can't intervene to her hysterical child? her husband tells her she can't, so she mustn't?
ffs

maybe he was wrong. maybe he needed to be told to back down and let his child be comforted. JUst because he told her to leave them alone doesn't mean he was right or that she should have.

The same thing happened about 4 weeks ago as well.

So you already know it upsets your husband but continue to do it anyway?

I've got to say I really don't see it as undermining dh though, more helping ds?

It's not about how you see it though, is it. It's about how your husband feels about your actions.

Had DH done this to me I'd have told him to leave us to it. Had he been the one dealing with it I'd have sussed out whether he felt he was coping. Sometimes he's fine to handle DS1's tantrums, sometimes he's not. I'll ask if he wants help & maybe check again after a few minutes if it's still happening but if he said he was coping & seemed calm I'd leave them to it. The only time I've undermined DH while DS1 was tantruming was when DH clearly wasn't coping & was getting angry with DS1. I sent him out of the room & once they'd both calmed down DH thanked me for taking over. It's only happened once though & other than that I always check & only hang around if DH asks me to.

I think the situation could've been handled better on both sides tbh. Maybe have a chat about it tonight & agree a course of action for similar situations in the future. It is awful listening to your DC cry for you though. When DS1 shouts for me while with DH I pop my head in & ask DS1 what DH has asked him to do & then tell him to listen to DH - DS1 gets reassurance from me without DH being undermined! Seems to work well for us!

ftr this kind of thing has happened to both me AND dp in our family.
i've had to go and tell him to give it up so I can calm a child down, and he has had to do the same to me.
surely part of being a good parent is recognising when something isn't working and accepting help from your partner?

PrincesTheresa I completely agree with you - although we normally leave each other to get on with parenting, we have both stepped in on occasion to help the other. Nothing wrong with that and we are both grateful for some back up (or just to be able to step it of a messy situation for a minute and take a deep breath).

Sorry cross posted, that was to gobby and thelovelyboots

Last night my DS woke up crying (teething). I got up to settle him, but he wanted Daddy. According to some of these responses I should have refused to let his Dad comfort him! Instead, what actually happened was I took him to Daddy, who gave him a big cuddle and got him to sleep. Sometimes he wants me when Daddy goes to him - it's not a problem!

I don't think you were bu.

I can sometimes hear my hubby getting into battles of will with our 2 ds and, as I frequently tell him, there is just no point fighting with an overtired toddler when it's something you could solve easily. I'm not saying give into them, but a cuddle doesn't hurt.

You and your DH just need to talk about this.

As we can see from the responses, the way people are dealing with this issue varies quite a bit.

In your situation I'd call up to DH asking whether he wanted me to take over. He sometimes might get a bit pissed off, depending on what the drama was about, other time he'd gladly hand the reins to me. And vice versa.

If the sobs were upsetting me, I'd tell my DH and he'd either being to reassure me he was handling it, or just let me take over knowing it just one of those times DS wants his Mum.

It's horrible to feel undermined, but I'm sure we all do it from time to time (and let's face it, bed time can be a bit fraught anyway), so you've just got to keep talking.

Personally I think YANBU, but I also think that the fact there is a fairly even split between YABU and YANBU makes it obvious that it's one of those situations where there is no clear right or wrong answer. So your DH is not BU to feel that he is right, just as you feel that you are right.

He is BU to not speak to you though!

DH and I have different skills. He is a better cook, I don't get the hump about this. I am "better" at calming DD1 in this situation (he does the same with DD2 btw), he doesn't get upset by this.

I don't understand why your DH was so focused on him having to put your DS to bed on this occasion when your DS wanted you. In a partnership surely you share the load? He'd had a go at calming your DS, it didn't work, you have a go, where's the problem?

I find the idea that a child is manipulating (in this case) horrible. He's young, over tired child. He wanted his mum. Is that so wrong?

Like you've said your DH does many a bath time so he clearly loves spending time with his dad. Did a point really have to be proved? I really don't see this as undermining the other parent in this situation. It's not as though it was a discipline issue where you'd swooped in and completely disagreed with your DH, that would be undermining.

However, the fact that your DH asked you to go away shows that he has a different view. I think you need to discuss this with him and find out why he was so determined to not let you help. That's the only part where ywbu, but tbh I totally understand why you did!

Some of these responses make me despair. Parenthood isn't a competition to be equal and united at all times whatever the cost. Sometimes overtired and irrational toddlers need teamwork from parents to help them feel secure. Anyone who feels threatened by what you describe, especially as all that was needed was a cuddle, should put their ego aside and consider their child's needs.

This. Definitely.

If my 2 year old was howling for me and sobbing, I would go to him and bollocks to my DH's ego feeling bruised about it. Parenthood is not about massaging one another's need to feel validated. It's about teamwork and putting the child's needs first.

The husband's sulking over this is just absurd. If he disagreed with what the OP did, there are a hundred far more constructive ways to discuss it than going off in a huff.

*step out of a messy situation

It's only "undermining" if you feel that his screaming was being "naughty" and he needed to "deal with it" ie discipline him.

Totally inappropriate for this kind of situation IMO. Kids do weird things and behave oddly when they are tired, it's not a discipline situation, it's best to calm them down and get on with it. Sometimes it's helpful for another person do do that calming down. DH sometimes does it for me so I can get a breather.

Just sounds like a stressful situation that made your husband feel in some way a failure, or like you were patronising him. You just wanted to comfort your son.

I wouldn't say either of you were being massively U, he shouldn't be 'not speaking' of course. Sounds like a real sit down chat is needed.

Dh and I have had this situation many many times. We also had 'heated debates' about how best to handle it.

I think I have undermined him. But I'd rather that that screaming for half an hour as opposed to no crying at all.

I have also sometimes said 'dad is putting you to bed, so you have to do what he says tonight' I have had to put headphones on as I found it so hard to listen to.

It was best if I actually left the house and literally left DH to it.