to say my ex-h can't have the children for Christmas?

[christmasfairness]

Have NC for this as giving details he and the OW would recognise.

Have been apart from DC father for 4 years now and in that time they have stayed with me for Christmas eve and Christmas day, usually going to ex-H for Boxing day for a day or 2. They are currently 8 and 6.

Ex-H has them one weekend a month, Fri eve to Sun eve. He also has them for 2 hours each week for tea one night. That's it. He has never had them for any of their school holidays, he has never dropped them to or collected them from school. He plays no part in their day to day lives, does none of the 'work' involved in parenting. This is all his choice, he never asks for additional time with them. The day or 2 he usually has them at Christmas has in the past been instead of his usual monthly weekend.

He has asked me if he can have them for Christmas Eve and Day this year. I haven't yet replied and am in two minds. Although we have zero goodwill or relationship, I do try not to antagonise the situation further. Due to the minimal time he sees the children we have very little contact which suits me perfectly.

What I really think is that he can get lost, I do all the work, all year round so I should get the most exciting day of the year with them. He does nothing so why should he? If we had a proper shared parenting relationship then fair enough, take it in turns but we don't.

I could ask them what they want to do, I am pretty sure they would say they want to stay at home but I don't want to put them in a position where they need to choose.

What says MN? AIBU in saying no?

Usually I would say that you are being unreasonable however having read his comment about new years eve I would tell the prick you don't require a childminder for Christmas this year. thanks though.

You know, you can just say no. He has no reservations about saying no to you without ever considering the best interests of the children.

It's in their best interests to see him on a regular basis - he's not interested.

It's in the children's interest to spend part of the school holidays with their father , and perhaps even travel with him on holiday - he doesn't want to waste his holiday time on them.

He doesn't consider their needs when he is with them. Why on earth would it be best for the children to spend Christmas with a man who barely bothers with them ?

Sorry, didn't realise they were teens, in that case no they won't be taking your feelings into account (luckily the phase passes).

He doesn't sound like much of a parent! I would agree with alternating if he was but not in this situation. I would probably ask him if he wanted to pick them up after lunch on Christmas Day. If it was so important to him he won't mind not having a drink.

I'm sure whatever you decide will be just fine, OP. Just don't send them over in a misguided attempt to be 'fair' or to do right by your DC. Your DC will be happy as pigs in mud on Xmas day in your home. And the fact that he has a somewhat uninvolved relationship with them is entirely down to him, and nothing to do with your decision over Xmas.

Personally, I think you are giving this chancer of a request too much headspace. You should just say 'no' and carry on as before. Hopefully in the future he will want to be more involved in his DC's lives, and as this is what you would like, too, everyone will be happy.

But you can't make him a better Dad or create a closer relationship by handing them over for Xmas.

Another insightful post there by cute

I live in hope Mutton though my 7 year old absolutely doesn't consider my feelings either so I'm not sure it's a teen thing!

YANBU...

Kids do have a right to a relationship with both parents however at why does the relationship need to be built up on Xmas day.

I am all for sharing Xmas when both parents make an effort but to my mind this is not what is happening here.

I really don't understand the belief that the NRP can just ask and the RP has to say yes so child can have a relationship.

I love Bruno's email