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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say my ex-h can't have the children for Christmas?

132 replies

christmasfairness · 05/06/2014 13:21

Have NC for this as giving details he and the OW would recognise.

Have been apart from DC father for 4 years now and in that time they have stayed with me for Christmas eve and Christmas day, usually going to ex-H for Boxing day for a day or 2. They are currently 8 and 6.

Ex-H has them one weekend a month, Fri eve to Sun eve. He also has them for 2 hours each week for tea one night. That's it. He has never had them for any of their school holidays, he has never dropped them to or collected them from school. He plays no part in their day to day lives, does none of the 'work' involved in parenting. This is all his choice, he never asks for additional time with them. The day or 2 he usually has them at Christmas has in the past been instead of his usual monthly weekend.

He has asked me if he can have them for Christmas Eve and Day this year. I haven't yet replied and am in two minds. Although we have zero goodwill or relationship, I do try not to antagonise the situation further. Due to the minimal time he sees the children we have very little contact which suits me perfectly.

What I really think is that he can get lost, I do all the work, all year round so I should get the most exciting day of the year with them. He does nothing so why should he? If we had a proper shared parenting relationship then fair enough, take it in turns but we don't.

I could ask them what they want to do, I am pretty sure they would say they want to stay at home but I don't want to put them in a position where they need to choose.

What says MN? AIBU in saying no?

OP posts:
Shedwood · 05/06/2014 16:47

Have you considered sitting the kids down with him in the room and saying "now daddy would like to know if you guys would like to spend Xmas with him, or two weeks on holiday with him at the seaside, swimming, making sandcastles and flying on a big aeroplane?"

Let them choose.

Ask him if he's really the type of "father" who wants to spend The Holidays with his children, without spending holidays with them, maybe his conscience will finally get to him.

Could solve two problems in one ;-)

popcornpaws · 05/06/2014 17:08

Well said fedupbutfine, and what is this talk of his OW? surely she is his partner as his ex wife is his ex wife?

KissMyFatArse · 05/06/2014 17:14

For the past 3 yrs I've had my son every Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day then ex has Boxing Day etc. agreed this yr to allow him full Christmas Day and overnight and subsequently find out he left my son with his gps to go out clubbing with his gf!!!!

Some 'dads' just don't deserve leeway.Hmm

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 05/06/2014 17:15

I'll bet anything his partner is pregnant.

LadySybilLikesCake · 05/06/2014 17:16

You can't really let your children decide this, what a burden for them. They will be torn between not wanting to upset either of you, and that just isn't fair.

Is he so much of an arsehole that you can't bear the site of him? If not, can you work together and invite him to yours? You need to think whether this is a 'one off' arrangement too. It's disruptive for children to be picked up and put down like a toy, and inconsistent parenting like this does cause issues with self esteem etc. If it's going to be a one off so that he can impress his partner then he's not really doing this for your children so I'd be strongly tempted to tell him to take a hike.

My ex has never seen ds at Christmas (he's rarely seen ds since ds was 3, he's 15 now). The ex used ds's maintenance to go to Florida with his then GF for one year and left the UK the year after.

itsbetterthanabox · 05/06/2014 17:30

I'm sorry but as a child of separated parents I do now as an adult think less of my father because he opted to do so much less parenting.
I spent the Xmas eve with mum and most of Xmas day and say my dad on the evening as a child. I liked seeing them both but seeing him Boxing Day would have made no odds to me. My mum was the one who made all the effort for Christmas to be exciting and magical. I'm very glad she got to spend that day with me. I say tell him to visit or see them Boxing Day.

pleaseaffixstamps · 05/06/2014 18:27

I wouldn't ask the kids, as they are then put in an impossible position.

I have more or less the same set-up as you, and my ex can sod off if he ever tries to take DS for christmas. However, I do let him see DS on Christmas day - I've let him come to my flat for an hour, and now he is married again, I invite his wife (who was not the OW so i don't feel bad about her) and they come over and I give them tea and cake and DS opens his presents from them. I'd rather they didn't come, TBH, but it isn't terrible, and then they are gone!

What about offering him New Years? That's a special time, too. And then you can go out to a party, but don't mention that to him.

wobblyweebles · 05/06/2014 18:32

I would either ask them or let them go.

By neither asking them nor letting them go you aren't giving them any chance to have a Christmas with their dad.

This is speaking as the child of divorced parents (and I was never asked...)

YouAreCompletelyRight · 05/06/2014 18:52

When we were kids, on my dad's xmases we woke up at my mother's then went to his in time for Xmas dinner. Would that be an acceptable compromise?

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/06/2014 19:03

Bruno's response to me seems very "Pay per view" and frankly controlling.

krasnayaplats · 05/06/2014 19:05

Do not ask them. It is wrong and unfair to place the burden of a choice like this on them. I think you should let them go. Why is it not in their best interests to spend at least some special days with their dad? Christmas is not a reward for a parent who does most or best parenting - interests of children always come first. It is useless to speculate as to reason for request as at least one poster has done.

Original poster
christmasfairness · 05/06/2014 19:06

Popcorn we've already addressed the OW business further up the thread.

I like the idea of compromise by them waking here then him collecting them mid morning. May go for suggesting that YouAre. - thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
christmasfairness · 05/06/2014 19:07

Oh and I asked him if he wanted them last New Year's Eve and he replied he wasn't going to be my unpaid babysitter while I went out. Just about sums the situation up.

OP posts:
Original poster
christmasfairness · 05/06/2014 19:09

I see that Kras but why is it not in their best interests to have Christmas Day here and then have another Christmas with him on Boxing Day?

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 05/06/2014 19:10

and what is this talk of his OW? surely she is his partner as his ex wife is his ex wife?

to be fair, I think the 'ow' in my situation will always be that. I can't imagine having any respect for her - she certainly had none for me. I guess it is different in that she is no longer with my ex but the relationship did last quite a long time and it's very hard to be reasonable about this kind of thing.

I don't think this is a decision that children should be allowed to make. They will likely only say what they think mum wants to hear and the danger is, the next time they see dad and he asks them, they say the same to him. Some decisions need to be left to the parents.

SaucyJack · 05/06/2014 19:11

YANBU. I take exactly the same approach with my oldest two and their dad.

When he start doing his share of the daily grind, then he can have his share of the nice bits.

Pinealike · 05/06/2014 19:30

Oh and I asked him if he wanted them last New Year's Eve and he replied he wasn't going to be my unpaid babysitter while I went out.

...but he's totes ok with you being his unpaid babysitter while he goes out? Alrighty then!

OP, arrange Christmas as you want it. Offer him what you want to let him have. He's entitled to nothing more.

(My DS loves his dad and enjoys seeing him, but he's told me without me asking that he loves to have Christmasses at his own home, with me.)

krasnayaplats · 05/06/2014 19:48

I suppose I start from the point of thinking Christmas is a special day, and that they should have the chance to spend it with him, at least sometimes. If a Boxing Day/second Christmas is just as special, what is the problem with you doing the Boxing Day/second Christmas once in a while? He sounds awful - he is their parent too and you are unpaid childcare most of the time. But I still think they should spend some Christmas days with him, unless there is a reason connected to their interests (eg not a safe situation) that they shouldn't. These days are potentially important in retaining and maybe even strengthening such relationship with him as they have, and on the face of it therefore a good thing. You have my sympathy on a gut level for so much of this, but I think you should be generous for children's sake.

How would you feel if he suddenly offered to pull his weight?

wtffgs · 05/06/2014 19:52

YABU.

Last year we had Christmas "Day" on Xmas Eve and once they'd gone to their Dad's Xmas morning, it all felt over for me. Sad I make a big effort at Christmas, lovely decs, nice food, fun etc. I also do all of the spadework - doctor, dentist, parties, school etc....

But, he is their Dad and they love him. They are the same ages. TBH you need to forget about him and his gf and ask the kids (in a neutral way).

Viviennemary · 05/06/2014 19:54

I think it's reasonable that you want to refuse. But you should really let him have the DC's for one Christmas.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 05/06/2014 19:57

YANBU

my dd never spent Xmas Eve with him, but TBH he spent most of them behind bars!

Pinealike · 05/06/2014 19:59

What do all of you who think OP should send her kids over to the ex's for Christmas think about the ex's refusal to have them on any New Year? Surely all the same arguments you have been using apply, kids special day with their dad, etc etc, only in this case he refuses to have them?

PicandMinx · 05/06/2014 20:00

Say nothing. He will change his mind before Christmas.

MaryWestmacott · 05/06/2014 20:02

YANBU - however I think a mid afternoon drop off to his house would be fine, you get the morning and Christmas lunch and then he gets to do Christmas afternoon/evening.

It might be worth raising how little he has them in the year and that it's not a "2 home" arrangement, but "live with mum and occassionally visit dad" arrangement, and does he not think that should change?

RandomMess · 05/06/2014 20:08

"We're happy with the current arrangement" would be my reply.

How do extend family visits fit in at the moment as I think that is a special part of Christmas for most dc.