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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say my ex-h can't have the children for Christmas?

132 replies

christmasfairness · 05/06/2014 13:21

Have NC for this as giving details he and the OW would recognise.

Have been apart from DC father for 4 years now and in that time they have stayed with me for Christmas eve and Christmas day, usually going to ex-H for Boxing day for a day or 2. They are currently 8 and 6.

Ex-H has them one weekend a month, Fri eve to Sun eve. He also has them for 2 hours each week for tea one night. That's it. He has never had them for any of their school holidays, he has never dropped them to or collected them from school. He plays no part in their day to day lives, does none of the 'work' involved in parenting. This is all his choice, he never asks for additional time with them. The day or 2 he usually has them at Christmas has in the past been instead of his usual monthly weekend.

He has asked me if he can have them for Christmas Eve and Day this year. I haven't yet replied and am in two minds. Although we have zero goodwill or relationship, I do try not to antagonise the situation further. Due to the minimal time he sees the children we have very little contact which suits me perfectly.

What I really think is that he can get lost, I do all the work, all year round so I should get the most exciting day of the year with them. He does nothing so why should he? If we had a proper shared parenting relationship then fair enough, take it in turns but we don't.

I could ask them what they want to do, I am pretty sure they would say they want to stay at home but I don't want to put them in a position where they need to choose.

What says MN? AIBU in saying no?

OP posts:
MillyONaire · 05/06/2014 14:13

My dh was an absent father from his dd. He did try but the relationship with his ex was terribly aggressive and to this day, antagonistic and nasty. He lived abroad and saw her as much as he could (2 or 3 times a year). His parents were not very supportive so I think mostly it was easier to let things slide. He had her for one christmas - I don't know how it was for her mother but she was definitely the parent who did EVERYTHING for their child - he was as absent (or more so) as your ex. That christmas meant the world to him, and she seemed to be very excited too, I think she was 7 or 8 at the time. She is now in her mid twenties and they have no relationship at all (surprise surprise) but I think I agree that you DESERVE to have them that day but that maybe they deserve to spend a christmas with their father.

Ludoole · 05/06/2014 14:20

My kids love their dad to bits but would rather be home at xmas.
They love the big build up and all the traditions we have.
Id hate not having xmas with my boys and would resent being the one who did all the day to day stuff but not get a special christmas day.

Fortunately its not a thing ive had to worry about as I invite the ex to stay over every xmas eve and he spends all of xmas day at ours (and has done for the last 7 years)

caruthers · 05/06/2014 14:21

Fortunately its not a thing ive had to worry about as I invite the ex to stay over every xmas eve and he spends all of xmas day at ours (and has done for the last 7 years)

Absolutely incredible and I take my hat of to you.

olympicsrock · 05/06/2014 14:23

YANBU - the are by a long way their main carer. I think they should be at home for Christmas. BRUNO's response is v good.

needaholidaynow · 05/06/2014 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurtleyAmazing · 05/06/2014 14:31

re brunos response..

Certainly I think if they saw you taking care of school stuff, washing, trips out, playdates etc. then they would feel it more appropriate that something so 'home focused' like Christmas was hosted at yours

again i will just like to point out that that is not how your children are feeling, it would be how you feel. while i agree with the point bruno is trying to make it would be wrong to make out that it is the children who have the issue with spending christmas with dad if that isn't the case.

to me this is using your children to get your own way.

ask them what they want and go from there.

higherhill · 05/06/2014 14:38

The problem with asking the children their opinion, is that they might go along with it just because they don't want to have to choose between parents, or don't want to hurt their Dads feelings. I suppose OP will be able to weigh up what they really want. I know if it was me I'd feel dreadful sending them off there for Xmas day, knowing they did'nt want to go but were going along with it to save dad's feelings.

caruthers · 05/06/2014 14:39

We have 2 xmas's where the children get xmas at home and xmas with us.

They have always loved it.

Jayne35 · 05/06/2014 14:51

I think UABU (a little) and should possibly take it in turns I always gave my XH the choice (we don't get on at all). DC's usually stay there on Xmas eve and are back with me by Xmas day lunchtime, that way we both get to spend some of the day with them. Though they are 16 and 18 now I have no idea what they will do this year, it's up to them.

Mrsjayy · 05/06/2014 14:52

Ok yabu I know he must be a pita sounds it but just let it happen even if it does stick in your throat best not to fight even though I think you have a fair point

fromparistoberlin73 · 05/06/2014 14:56

you know what? whilst I agree with those that say "ask them" and "they deserve an xmas wioth their dad" , I kind of think fuck it, send Bruno's answer- but be prepared for a potential massive fall out! If it were 50:50, or even 30:70 fair enough--- but I dont think he desreves it. tough one.

FreudiansSlipper · 05/06/2014 14:58

yanbu. your relationship with him may have broken down but he has also allowed his relationship with his children to break down by the way of having very little involvement

it is a special day for you all, and yes I think about myself as well as ds how terrible Hmm and I want him to be with me on Christmas day

aibu maybe but just once in a while rising above the crap that goes on between ex partners does not make me a bad parent. it is hard work being on your own with little support, doing the everyday things that need doing having your way on one day a year you should not feel guilty for

mamas12 · 05/06/2014 15:01

Yanbu
You have said that you have thought about it from the Dcs pov and said that they would want to be at home
I had this same thing because my ex just didn't do Xmas and I couldn't let my Dcs go to to his miserable undecorated ( not even a tree) house where he would not make a lovely fuss over them
They deserved the best Xmas you can give them so if that means staying put then that's that

sunshinecity17 · 05/06/2014 15:01

Don't ask them!! It is not fair to ask them to choose between their parents.
Brunos reply is ridiculous and selfish.Spending xmas with the kids is not about rewarding a parent for their hardwork, or even what is fair to the parents.It is about the children building good strong relationships with both parents and so children should spend some xmases with one parent and some with another.

financialwizard · 05/06/2014 15:05

Personally we used to alternate and the years I didn't have DS I would ensure we had 'Christmas' when he got back, so he would get two Christmas Day's.

I hated my ex with a passion, and it was very hard on Christmas Day without him but I felt I owed it to him to be fair.

My ex lived 50 miles away so didn't do any day to day stuff and was never interested in anything.

Mrsjayy · 05/06/2014 15:06

Instead of asking why dont you say you are at dads this christmas and if they dont want to go then you can know for sure whats best

lentilpot · 05/06/2014 15:08

We alternated years at our parents houses when we were kids –but we always always woke up at home (that's where Father Christmas came!) and then went to my Dad's before lunch. Just an idea for a compromise if he lives nearby.

happycamper80 · 05/06/2014 15:09

Sorry but I think yabu.

Bowlersarm · 05/06/2014 15:12

I think YABU.

Although it must be hard. But you've had them for 4 Christmases in a row. I don't see why their dad can't have a Christmas with them now.

drivenbyyou · 05/06/2014 15:13

This will make me very unpopular, but I have christmas every year with my lot - they go to their dad's on boxing day for a couple of days.

He is almost exactly like your XH - has them for exactly 48 hours every fortnight and that's it. No holidays, no tea, no extra AT ALL (and he's forever telling them that if they don't want to go to his, they don't have to). He can go fuck right off if he thinks he can play christmas disney dad as well. And tbh he's never even brought it up. Not sure if that's because he already knows what the response would be, or he just doesn't care either way.

So I don't think YABU. I do disagree with the PP who said if they can only step up once a year, to let them. Not if it's christmas day - they have another 364 days to do that if they're so desperate.

Hope you have a lovely christmas whatever you decide.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2014 15:19

Actually, I don't think YABU.

Dsd is now an adult but when she was younger it would have been great to have her for Christmas.

However, when she was about 9 they moved to another country and dh saw less of her (obviously). It wasn't his fault, it wasn't her fault. It was circumstances.

But...as much as we always made sure she knew this is her home (own room etc), she never felt it was. Her mum did the day to day rearing.

I know she loved it here when she came, still does.

But I also know that her mum's house is her home.

So, forgetting what the adults wanted, it wouldn't have been fair to spoil a child's Christmas which is what would have happened.

She would have loved it I'm sure. But it still wouldn't have been Christmas as home.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2014 15:20

My point (Blush) is that he hasn't made the effort to include them as an integral part of his family, so why should they have to spend Christmas away from home to sacrifice some adult notion of what's fair?

Infinity8 · 05/06/2014 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury · 05/06/2014 15:56

YANBU. I would say, we already have plans for this year, you can have them next. No doubt something more exciting will have come up do won't have to hand them over then either.

Original poster
christmasfairness · 05/06/2014 16:08

Thanks for all the replies. I guess the problem is that I really can see both sides and that's why I'm struggling. I genuinely want to do what's right for the children - yes I will miss them terribly on Christmas Day if they go but I'm a big girl, I'll live and I accept that we will have another Christmas day when they get back. When he has them he does another Christmas day for them so it's the same. He's never asked to have them before.

I really do think they'd rather stay here, but I don't want to ask them as I feel that's like making them choose between us. I could try the tactic of saying they're going brightly and gauging their reaction.

Whoever said about the OW comment - fair enough, I accept her as his partner now, I really have no beef with her at all and am totally ambivalent about her. The OW was force of habit rather than any wish to be bitter or bitchy.

Whoever ranted posted about them not being possessions - bit aggressive and unnecessary. I'm asking AIBU because I'm not a robot and have feelings and emotions about this sort of thing. It's hard work doing all the parenting but I'm fine with it now. I think his token effort is pretty pathetic if I'm honest and can't see any reason why he doesn't want them more. Regarding the 'asking' to have them - well yes he sort of does have to ask because that's what happens when parents have split up. I'm not a mindreader but believe me I have attempted to get him to have them much more in the past and he is simply not interested, I've asked him to share the school holidays (we both work), even if it's just a week - he says no. He goes off on holiday for 2 weeks each year with his partner :-), doesn't ask to take them despite them asking to go. So yeah I don't think he deserves it in the slightest but I do realise that's not the most important thing.

OP posts: