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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU: Adult daughter wasting her life away.

141 replies

Cecelilia · 05/06/2014 12:01

Just had yet another frustrating conversation with my adult daughter. Daughter is 40 years old and is extremely successful in her career, but her work is her life. She has never been married, only once introduced me to a boyfriend, and she doesn't want children.

When she was in her 20's she was adamant she didn't want children or marriage but I gathered she'd grow out of that and change her mind. I talked to her a little then bout kids and how prioritys change over life and didn't push kids down her throat or mention it much, but now she's 40 she's running out of time stand shows no sign of changing,

I'm just sad for her. A good careers only part of a life, and even if she thinks she's happy I think she'll turn around someday and see all everything she missed out on by not having a family. The more time she spends alone the higher the chance she'll always be alone. But every time I say we need to have a talk about life, kids wtc she shuts me down.

AIBU to have these convos with her and expect her to at least engage with me and think about her decisions properly? Should I just sit back and watch her waste her life away on something that never will give back the love and care she puts towards it (work) ?

OP posts:
Joules68 · 05/06/2014 12:04

Yabu.... Leave her alone

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/06/2014 12:04

Yes YABU.

It's enturely her decision to make.

Just because she values different things to you doesn't make her views wrong or less valid.

Bowlersarm · 05/06/2014 12:05

YABU, I'm afraid.

It's her life to live the way she wants.

PrincessBabyCat · 05/06/2014 12:05

It's pretty insulting to imply you need children to feel fulfilled. Why does she need to have kids to be happy?

You can have a very satisfying life with a career you love.

PoirotsMoustache · 05/06/2014 12:06

I think at 40 your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions and to live her life how she wants to live it. Her outlook is obviously different to yours, and that's absolutely fine. Not everyone wants the same things from life, and for a lot of people, their career is their life. I'm sure she doesn't feel like she is wasting her life.

itsmethechubbyfunster · 05/06/2014 12:07

YABVU

It's her life.
It's ok for her to want different things out of it than you did.

scarletforya · 05/06/2014 12:07

Wow, if think you should just respect her choices.

I know you're probably disappointed but to call someone's life wasted just because they don't have kids is harsh.

By your title I thought you were going to say she was on drugs etc

Mrsjayy · 05/06/2014 12:07

I know a few happy childless people in their 40s and they have a great life very fulfilled children are not the be all if women dont want children it is seen strange or worse there is something wrong with them, my own young adult dd doesnt like babies says she isnt having children which is fair enough her life,

Shewhowines · 05/06/2014 12:07

Maybe she would love what you want for her, but it has never happened. Maybe she doesn't want it anyway. Whichever, if she doesn't want to talk about it, you must respect that.

gatofeliz · 05/06/2014 12:08

YABU and you definitely shouldnt voice your concerns to your DD but i understand why you feel disappointed with her choices especially if she is an only child?

Your biggest problem is that any conversation will always become about you and what you want so keep schtum!

Mrsjayy · 05/06/2014 12:08

I know a few happy childless people in their 40s and they have a great life very fulfilled children are not the be all if women dont want children it is seen strange or worse there is something wrong with them, my own young adult dd doesnt like babies says she isnt having children which is fair enough her life,

DaVinciNight · 05/06/2014 12:09

YABU
It's her life and it's up to her to decide how to live it. Your choice was to be a parent, her choice is to NOT be a parent.
Or maybe she would like to but hasn't found someone she wants a baby with?

Regardless, it's up to her to make her choices and your role as a mum is to support her in her choices, not to try and impose your choices into to her.

basgetti · 05/06/2014 12:10

YABU, she is not obliged to engage with you about this when she has made it clear how she feels and you aren't listening. Show her some respect.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 05/06/2014 12:10

Umm its perfectly normal to not want children or a partner!

At 40 i would imagine your DD is pretty certain about how she wants to live her life, and it is a perfectly valid choice, just as valid as choosing to have children.

Leave her alone- she doesnt need pity or encouragement. She is who she is. Back off!

Mrsjayy · 05/06/2014 12:10

Sorry posted twice

Chopchopbusybusy · 05/06/2014 12:11

She's not wasting her life she's just making different choices from yours.
If I were you I'd start to accept that and stop trying to bring it up in conversation.

StrawberryMojito · 05/06/2014 12:11

She sounds like she is living a happy, fulfilled successful life. How is she wasting it? If she got married and had children to please you but was utterly miserable because it was not a life she wanted, would that make you happy?

sparechange · 05/06/2014 12:11

Your definition of a wasted life is not the same as mine, and probably not the same as hers

No wonder she doesn't want to introduce her boyfriends to you. You should horrible and judgmental and I'm not sure I'd want to risk you not coming out with something terrible in front of a new boyfriend.

YABVVVU. Butt out.

APlaceInTheWinter · 05/06/2014 12:11

I think YABU to think your dd hasn't thought about her choices properly. She's an adult with a succesful career. She will definitely have considered what she wants from life and how she is going to achieve it. If she isn't sharing her thoughts with you, it might be because you are very set on your own agenda.

You're not listening to her and that means you're not supporting her.

Please don't sacrifice your opportunity to have a satisfying relationship with your dd as she is (career focused and childless) for some fantasy of what you think her life should be.

Mums worry and that's ok but not when it means negating and undermining your dc's choices.

Undertone · 05/06/2014 12:11

YABU

Every time you raise this with her, she might be thinking that you're judging/criticising her - hence why she shuts down the conversation rather than letting it escalate into an argument.

I could rant away here because this subject really touches a nerve with me, but I don't think you've posted this to get a bashing.

Safe to say - she values different things to you. Don't project your own wishes on to her.

DaVinciNight · 05/06/2014 12:12

Btw she might have missed out by not having dcs but if she had, she would have missed out on other things.

I mean life doesn't stop because you don't have children. Think about all the people with fertility issues that will never be parents. Does it mean they have wasted their life? Does it mean they can never truly be happy because they aren't parents?? Would you tewly said that to a couple with fertility issues? Probably not so why us it ok to say it to your dd?

msrisotto · 05/06/2014 12:12

YAB SO U. You did what you wanted with your life, let her do what she wants with hers. And whilst it's lovely that you found children so fulfilling, everyone is different and she sins like that doesn't make her happy. You are right that there is more to life than work, but that isn't necessarily a husband and kids.

Mrsjayy · 05/06/2014 12:13

You do know you are saying she is a failure dont you even at 40 that must hurt her

msrisotto · 05/06/2014 12:13

Sounds
Excuse my typo, predictive text.

pianodoodle · 05/06/2014 12:13

I couldn't tolerate my family if they were still attempting to "parent" me in this fashion.

You're not the Pope by any chance? He's been spouting similar bollocks on the subject this week....being the fertility expert he is.

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