AIBU: Adult daughter wasting her life away.

[Cecelilia]

Just had yet another frustrating conversation with my adult daughter. Daughter is 40 years old and is extremely successful in her career, but her work is her life. She has never been married, only once introduced me to a boyfriend, and she doesn't want children.

When she was in her 20's she was adamant she didn't want children or marriage but I gathered she'd grow out of that and change her mind. I talked to her a little then bout kids and how prioritys change over life and didn't push kids down her throat or mention it much, but now she's 40 she's running out of time stand shows no sign of changing,

I'm just sad for her. A good careers only part of a life, and even if she thinks she's happy I think she'll turn around someday and see all everything she missed out on by not having a family. The more time she spends alone the higher the chance she'll always be alone. But every time I say we need to have a talk about life, kids wtc she shuts me down.

AIBU to have these convos with her and expect her to at least engage with me and think about her decisions properly? Should I just sit back and watch her waste her life away on something that never will give back the love and care she puts towards it (work) ?

I'm 41 and a large proportion of my friends don't have kids. The majority of them have chosen to be this way and are very happy indeed with their lives.

I've only in the last year or so had a child myself and I'm not convinced that I'd be less happy without her. I loved my life before her and I do now apart from the not going out, early mornings, night wakings, nappy changings and vomit

How do you know that she hasn't thought about her decisions properly? It's unlikely that she's reached the age of 40 without considering whether she'd like a family.

Your OP makes it sound like you feel that her having a DP and DC are essential for her future happiness. Your DD may feel very differently. She may be completely sure that she doesn't want a family and sure that she wants to focus on her career.

Is it possible that she may be refusing to engage with you and "think about her decisions properly" because she feels that the only decision you'll support would be a decision to try and start a family?

I have seldom seen an AIBU where the OP is more obviously unreasonable.

If you were my mother I doubt I would speak to you at all. You don't seem to realise that your daughter is a separate person with her own thoughts, wishes and feelings.

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU

YABU.
Her decisions don't mirror yours, that's all. It doesn't make her choices wrong or mean she is wasting her life.

Yes, you are wrong to expect her to engage with you about this when it is her decision to make and she has already made it. Pushing the issue will end badly for you, so respect her stance and take a step back.

YABU!

She wouldn't always be alone! When she retires she could marry a man who already has a family and take them!

I just read this post out to my 17yr old dd and she said she has never heard anything so ridiculous in her life!
She also at this young age says she doesn't want children and i would never ever tell her she should or that she'l change her mind.
You don't own her or her choices in life!

Is this in response to the Kirstie Allsop quotes?

YABU, and are very lucky that you haven't driven her away. Children are not the be all and end all. My sister is in her late forties, single and childless. She is happy and her life is just as full and fulfilled as mine. She travels, has lots of friends, does loads of sport and other hobbies, volunteers and generally has a life that I, with husband, kids and shitty 'career' can only dream of. She's a brilliant aunt but that is enough for her and all she ever wanted.

Let your daughter make her own decisions and respect them.

What a horrible post OP. I would hate to be your daughter.

Really, anyone who doesn't get married and have children is 'wasting their lives'.?

To be honest, if that is how you make your children feel than I'm not sure you're particularly suited to motherhood. And I've never ever said that to anyone on Mumsnet before.

Welcome to MN.

Wow, if you're finding these conversations frustrating, imagine how she must be feeling?

I can see you really want grandchildren, but she's 40. You simply have to respect her decision. Have you told her how proud you are of her career and her choices as an independent woman? Or do you tell her she's wasting her life despite her obvious success?

Women can achieve an awful lot more than making babies you know.

We don't have children (and can't - so never will). I'm not wasting my life, nor is my wife. Or is it only people who choose not to have children who are?

Gosh, I do think that you need to ease off a bit

Maybe your daughter has not chosen to share information with you

Welcome to MN, btw

Yes YABU. It's her life. I wouldn't even attempt to persuade someone to have kids - it's very tough as it is!

This has to be a reverse. It's exactly what my mother would say though, she once said I'd have "half a life" if I didn't find a partner (I was about 22 at the time!). YABU, butt out and start appreciating your dd for who she is, not who you wish she was.

Is this more about you not having a career and thus taking her rejection of everything you chose in life a bit too personally?

Either way YABU.

Perhaps op you should stop living vicariously through your daughter and accept her life choices?
How very sad you seem to think her a failure just because she doesn't want children or to be married.
I am both married and have children, but I don't see how that makes me more "successful" than your daughter?

YABVVVU. As others have said.

I think this is a reverse. Noone actually tries to sit their successful, 40 year old daughter down to discuss their percieved failures. Do they??

My DM and DAunts would have in a heart beat I'm afraid! Course they would have fainted at what goes on on MN .... so maybe????

YABU.
You sound controlling, critical and interfering. Perhaps your daughter doesn't want to follow the example of the family she grew up in? Often when people don't want kids they are afraid to inflict the same parenting/pain/heartache on their (hypothetical) children that they received themselves.

Perhaps your daughter would like a family but hasn't found the right person yet. Perhaps she has baggage from her past- which might include you- which has lowered her self esteem and prevented her from forming healthy lasting relationships?

In any case, it isn't that bloody easy to just find someone and start a family. What do you think she should do- put an ad on a billboard outside her house? Are you going to arrange a marriage for her?

Leave her alone. That includes ALL conversations, snide comments, meaningful hints and put downs. Accept her for who she is and back the hell off.

Is she an only child?

Do we get paid for writing your article for you?
:)

Surely the OP is just trolling?

Ah Christ, is this some bloody journalist?

Hi OP, you sound like a lovely mum who wants the best for your daughter and doesn't like to see her alone at 40. I imagine that having a child was very important to you and that you'd like to see her settled and have a family, I know that's what I'd want for my own daughter. However I think maybe for the good of your relationship with your daughter you might have to let this go and accept that she may be alone but not lonely. Is she your only child? If so perhaps you are grieving the loss of a chance of grandchildren? I really feel for you and YANBU you're just being a mum with concerns for your daughter's future and happiness.

reverse aibu?