AIBU: Adult daughter wasting her life away.

[Cecelilia]

Just had yet another frustrating conversation with my adult daughter. Daughter is 40 years old and is extremely successful in her career, but her work is her life. She has never been married, only once introduced me to a boyfriend, and she doesn't want children.

When she was in her 20's she was adamant she didn't want children or marriage but I gathered she'd grow out of that and change her mind. I talked to her a little then bout kids and how prioritys change over life and didn't push kids down her throat or mention it much, but now she's 40 she's running out of time stand shows no sign of changing,

I'm just sad for her. A good careers only part of a life, and even if she thinks she's happy I think she'll turn around someday and see all everything she missed out on by not having a family. The more time she spends alone the higher the chance she'll always be alone. But every time I say we need to have a talk about life, kids wtc she shuts me down.

AIBU to have these convos with her and expect her to at least engage with me and think about her decisions properly? Should I just sit back and watch her waste her life away on something that never will give back the love and care she puts towards it (work) ?

Yes YABU.

Funnily enough, your thread title gave me a pang of guilt because I worry terribly that my parents are disappointed in me and think I am "wasting" my life. They've never said it, but the fear is there in the back of my mind that they feel it. It is an awful way to feel about your parents. Please don't give your daughter reason to feel this about you.

Oh and incidentally, my situation is the opposite of your daughter's. I have two beautiful children whom I adore. But I have no career, never have had one and am really struggling with trying to figure out what to do with my life now they are in school. Make of that what you will.

Is this a reverse? Poor daughter.

'...everything she missed out on by not having a family'

It sounds like you ar missing out on a lot, even though you had a family, because you do not respect your daughter's choices or wishes. You are missing out on a close relationship and the confidence of your daughter through your own actions.

'The more time she spends alone, the higher the chance she'll always be alone'.

The more you judge your daughter's life choices, try and make her feel guilty and push her into doing what would make you happy! and therefore what you think would make her happy, the more likely you are to end up alone.

Having a family doesn't automatically mean friendship, companionship, love, trust, care etc. You have to make the effort to understand and support your family. It sounds like she will have more understanding and support from friends in the future than she will from you.

YABU, but you might be able to salvage the relationship even now. It would be worth it in the long run. You think you we doing best for her, you think she will miss out, but it is not your decision to make. You may have lost the chance for grandchildren. Don't lose your daughter too.

Why does it matter if she's only child?
My dd is an only child and i don't think its acceptable to assume i should expect her to have children for this reason!

Just wondering if it partially explained the pitch of interest/pressure OP was putting on her DD popcorn i.e. if the DD is the OP's only chance od DGC.

I didn't mean to suggest that made it ok

Could be a reverse but would think the OP would have been back then.

More likely it is someone wanting to show how crazy all them MNetters are, and wrote an OP thinking we'd all jump in agreeing how amazing being a mummeee is, and how the daughter will lead an empty unfulfilled life.

Then OP could flaunt it in whatever forum, or blog or magazine she/ he is writing for as an example of MN smug superior attitude.

Didn't quite work out did it?

YABU - you don't have any right to expect her to do the things that in your opinion are fulfilling. It's her life and if she tells you she is fulfilled then you accept that and stop undermining her!

only once introduced me to a boyfriend

I can just imagine why she doesn't want you introduced to her boyfriends!

You live your life the way you want, leave this self-supporting adult woman to live her the way she wants. I thought was going to be a 22 year old drug using daughter working in a low paid job to feed her habit despite having a degree in nuclear physics! And even then though I would be sympathetic to your worries you still can't control another adults.

Having to listen to you bang on about how she's not getting any younger is probably mind numbing!

Leave the poor woman alone and think of something nice to talk to her about.

YABVU. And insulting if you think that she cannot life a fullfilled life without a husband or children.

You lived your life, and now it's up to her to live hers.

Thanks all. Yes it's a bit of a reverse -- the 40 year old is my sister and our mother is giving her a hard time about her 'single life', thinks she's missing out, not interested in being part of family because she's not got her own, all that nonsense!, I think our mother is wrong. Sister is upset because she's very happy and wishes our mother could be happy that she's happy. Doesn't help that she's being compared to me (married, kids, few years younger than sister). My life is no better than hers just cos I've got kids!

And yes I was there when this latest convo happened. Mother's all sweet and nice and I just want the best fir you but it's all of course passive aggressive because Sister's not got the life Mother Invisioned for her kids!

Erm, perhaps she is gay and she hasn't come out to you because you've always been judging her ?

Of course, being gay doesn't stop you being a parent, but it may explain the lack of boyfriend introductions - she may have a wonderful life being loved by another that you're missing out on being part of.

Lighten up a bit and let her be herself :)

Marylou2, the OP does not sound like a lovely mum. She sounds controlling, and like she does not recognise that her daughter is her own person.

Now, she may have misrepresented herself in her post, but nothing about that is lovely.

Oops, crosspost!

It sounds as though you need her to validate the choices that you made in having kids by modeling her life on yours

This must be one of the only unanimous YABVVVU posts ever

My SIL is just such a woman. 40s, successful career, owns her own home, loads of friends, no desire for marriage or children.

She has a great life and I'm often really jealous. She's certainly not wasting her life.

Could be jealously OP or regrets causing your mother to resent your sis having choices she didn't or it could be that your sister is the DC always in the wrong ie if she rocked up tomorrow with a DP and pg would your mother just move on to a different topic to find fault?

Reassure your Sis you think she is great and you love her – try and shut your mother up when you are around. I don’t think there is much else you can do.

Your mother is in danger of totally alienating your sister.
I have gone NC with an aunt of mine due to her nasty PA comments about my life choices.
Not easy, but I am so much happier!

Oh FFS. I must be a complete failure then. Not only do O not have any children, I am unable to have them.

Wasting her life away? She's lucky she has a career she loves! I too am around this age ... Work hard - love my work!!! Childless (not through choice but have accepted this now)... Please don't let people think that if they don't have a child they cannot have a fulfilling life.. Because it's not true and it's not kind.

"Mother's all sweet and nice and I just want the best fir you"

Then your sister needs to tell her that she does have what is best for her.

As much as your mum is wrong-does your sister just listen or does she speak up?

Wasting her life, way more people turned up for my unmarried Great aunts funeral and will turn up for my DF of 85's one day.

My great aunt taught and carried on going to retired teachers, doing things and making friends all her life.

DF has worked in hospitals all over the world, volunteered, bell rang, gone to WI and just chats to everyone. My 16y loves her.

Seriously having a family makes you very inward looking and selfish, because you have so little time. At 40 she may just work, but a time will come when she finds time for other things too.

Perhaps you could suggest to your mum that perhaps your sister doesn't want children because she can't bear the idea of being the kind of parent your mother is. Because someone who was that judgemental and condescending wouldn't be my ideal role model, and her parenting skills seem quite lacking if she really thinks that she is in a position to dictate to her 40 year old daughter.

Well, I'm impressed at MNetters uncanny ability to sniff out a reverse AIBU!

Pedants, please stand down - I can see I omitted an apostrophe in my last post.

Tell your mum to butt out why did you do a re erse just wondering why really, my single childless friends have great lives