To wonder if teacher is wrong?

[sezamcgregor]

Had meeting today with head teacher re DS's progress he's 6.

We've had problems and I'm having regular meetings to discuss progress and to get guidance with my parenting.

I've been told that I speak to DS like an adult because when he does something g wrong, I often explain to him why rather than just saying No. Just No.

I always had the idea that if you were fair with children and have them a reason why we don't do things, it would be better on the long run as thy know why and we're not just saying No for no reason or just for the sake of it.

I really feel like I've had the carpet pulled from under me as this is something that I've always really believed in having thought that if my own mum had told me why more often I would have understood things better and would have understood that she was being fair rather than just snapping that No means No all of the time.

She's made it very clear that I should stop explaining my Nos and should do a No means No approach.

I think we need more information here: is the idea of parenting guidance from the HT an official thing? Why is this being raised at all - how is your DS's behaviour?

I think you are wrong. There's no need for an explanation every time. He is not an adult, you are, and you are in the one in charge.

Besides that, at home you can do what you want, but a teacher is in charge of 20 plus children, do you think they have time for what you are doing?

Based on the limited info here I'm with you on this one. I try really hard not to just say no to my child but explain why something is not okay. But I do try to do it in age appropriate language (she's only 2.5 though). But I try not to just say no to her.

I think you should always explain your nos. I explain to DS, he has severe needs but I put it simply so he can understand

"No, dangerous"

"No, hurts"

Etc.

I like him to know why.

Sorry.... this sounds very weird. I completely agree with you. Surely school (well mine does) always explain why they are saying No. I always explain why too. You have to make sure children understand why you've said No. They have to understand what could happen if they do something wrong - sometimes it could be dangerous. When I was small, if someone said No, I always asked Why (much to my fathers anger!).

Well there must be serious issues going on here if this is an issue for the HT. There's also probably a lot more that she is trying to tell you here and not just this one single way of saying no.

Ex

I think the ht needs to mind her own business frankly!! I agree entirely with your approach and use it myself with my dsc's and intend to continue when my baby is old eenough to require discipline. Assuming you say something along the lines of "no ds we don't do that because..." then you are covering bases surely?

I experienced this with my DS. I think the teacher hasn't explained it very well to you and has made you feel bad but they they just want you to work on your DS obeying simple orders because when you have a class of 30 six year olds they really do need to obey without having to be told why all the time.

Well - it depends. Some explanation is good - children are people, after all. But it can be frustrating to hear "no, darling, don't touch that, because it's quite expensive, and you could pull it over, and then it would break and everyone would be sad, and you wouldn't like it if something of yours got broken..." to a supremely uninterested child who then just goes and pokes something else - only to receive another spiel which leaves everyone else in the vicinity dying to say "JUST STOP TOUCHING STUFF!"

Otherwise known as "stop doing that! And if you don't, I'll tell you again!"

Only you know whether you might be this sort of parent.

I also did that as a teacher by the way. We went through the class rules and discussed why these were important. If two children had a falling out, I'd get both their sides and then help them sort out a solution. Because of this they were able to understand better and eventually sort out their own disputes without telling tales.

Sorry posted too soon. Explaining why - there's nothing wrong with that. But children need clear boundries and rules too. Are you also giving him that? HTs don't do personal pupil progress meetings. What is going on really? Usually this is the sort of point you reach where exclusions are the next step.

The fact that you are having meetings to be given 'guidance on your parenting' suggest fairly serious issues.

Most schools don't have care what parenting style you adopt, unless it leads to the child not coping.

Sometimes no should just mean no and other times it's better to explain why.

Of course parents say why to the no's surely.
Your child is about to touch something hot. You don't just scream no, don't touch or whatever. You also follow up by adding it's hot or whatever.
When your child starts biting, you explain why.
When they ask for something in the shop and you say no, the conversation doesn't just stop there. It is then followed on by it's nearly dinner time, I haven't got enough money or whatever.

Surely this is standard, regular parenting?

Obviously it a good practise to explain reasoning behind saying no. However, children do need to understand that sometimes no from an adult means no. End of. Sometimes there isn't time for an explanation and quite cannot sometimes it's just no.

I'm not going to offer any judgment on the head as clearly there are a whole range of issues going on for you to be in her office regularly in the first place.

The teachers who are trying to help you know you and your child. We have no idea. Please think about why they are saying what they are saying.

Your OP is very general.

As someone else has pointed out, your DS is not an adult. Sometimes a clear, simple instruction does not need explained.

Perhaps you should keep explaining why for serious things, but occasionally just say No so he gets used to it.
Perhaps your DS has been in school repeatedly asking Why every time a teacher says No, this must be frustrating.

This exchange of views used to take place frequently. "No". "But", "This is not a conversation. I am telling you." "But", "Enough"' exit stage left.
Worked for me, and still does.

Well personally I'm a bit of both kind of person.
No means no when it comes to dangerous or hurtful situations. Crossing the road, jumping off stuff, hitting others etc.
I would probably still have at some point explained why but by the age of 6 there are certain scenarios I would expect him to already know why I'm saying no.
Are the problems/behaviours something that is happening repeatedly? So, maybe, he is fighting and continuing to be involved in fights despite having been repeatedly told and had the reasons explained?
As I said by the age of 6 there are certain things I would expect to no longer have to explain -why hurting others is wrong or damaging property, stealing, swearing etc.
The reasons why we don't do these things should have already been explained to him many times. And so by this stage that kind of thing would be a no means no.
This of course would be different if there are any kinds of special needs.
In certain situations continually explaining yourself to 6 year old may start to come across as a bit washy washy and ineffectual.
Sounds like school are losing their patience with this situation. Do they feel that your approach isn't really having any effect?

brianbutterfield exactly right. Well put.

I always tried explain why I've said no to something, whether it be dangerous, expensive, breakable etc, so they understand he consequence of their actions.

I can see that teachers wouldn't want to explain every single no to a class of 30 though!

Well it isn't working your way, so why not try what they suggest and see if it works?

Thinking a bit more, does the head teacher think you are negotiating rather than explaining? I think negotiating is wrong, so if this is what she means then she is absolutely right. IE do you say no and explain why eg no, it's dangerous (end of discussion) or no it's dangerous (cue lengthy trail of yes, but, no, but kind of thing)

Your ds may not understand lengthy explanations. It might be easier for him to have a clear understanding of what he needs to stop doing with just a 'no'. This is particularly the case if he has tantrums as the higher the emotional level the less effective reasoning becomes and he would not be listening. Explanations need to come at a calm time alongside a clear consistent predicable response to negative or challenging behaviour.