To wonder if teacher is wrong?

[sezamcgregor]

Had meeting today with head teacher re DS's progress he's 6.

We've had problems and I'm having regular meetings to discuss progress and to get guidance with my parenting.

I've been told that I speak to DS like an adult because when he does something g wrong, I often explain to him why rather than just saying No. Just No.

I always had the idea that if you were fair with children and have them a reason why we don't do things, it would be better on the long run as thy know why and we're not just saying No for no reason or just for the sake of it.

I really feel like I've had the carpet pulled from under me as this is something that I've always really believed in having thought that if my own mum had told me why more often I would have understood things better and would have understood that she was being fair rather than just snapping that No means No all of the time.

She's made it very clear that I should stop explaining my Nos and should do a No means No approach.

Haven't read all the advice on this thread, just wanted to make a couple of comments

One I gave my daughter explanations for "no" and she wasn't the most obedient child at home, no problems at school though, and she grew up to be very "streetwise" in a good sense, with wonderful reasoning abilities, knows that the correct decisions for are for her benefit, not just to obey me. We also enjoyed long conversations. Though, having said that, I probably should have not felt that I had to justify every no.

Do you take vitamin B complex. I say that because you say you shout at him a lot. Vitamin B is really wonderful for mothers in helping us to calm down and enjoy our children more.

Without knowing the facts, just general ideas:
And, IMHO, if your son has a low attention span, he particularly shouldn't watch television on a regular basis.

And lastly, maybe he needs more outdoor exercise. Modern life often requires little boys to stay indoors too much. Could you find an outdoor hobby he could do or you could do together?

I usually say something like 'I need you to xxx as we have to xxx' and then wait for my child to do what's expected.

If he ever has a choice it's between two things - so 'would you like to wash up first or tidy your bedroom'.

No has to mean no though, if you change your mind you WILL be nagged at every opportunity in the future. You can still say no and give a reason why.

Do you change your mind ever after saying no?

Clam, I think there is more going on in that school than the OP is seeing. They do sound as though they have more problems with kids and discipline than just the OP's son.

OP, two of mine have auditory processing issues and consequently many of my instructions at home are now just one word with a gesture. I would not say, "Darling, remember your coat, it's wet out there, go on, you know you want to" etc, I just point to the thing and say "Coat?" Same with "Mess?" I then stand there pointing and giving them my raised eyebrow teacher look until they spring into action. With bedtime and homework and so on I would use a more 1-2-3 Magic approach. "No arguing, that's a 1. Bed now please." That kind of thing. They do most of what I tell them to and we are all good friends.

I do really appreciate all of your comments (not one bad mother comment!) - it's all very helpful!

I'm researching positive parenting and have caught myself a few times. DS (bless him) yesterday kept smiling at me last night "You were about to shout weren't you mummy?" - he obviously knows how to push me and hopefully seeing that I'm trying to shout less at him is a good thing.

We also bought some stickers yesterday - he chose frog ones :)

It's so hard when you're in it to see the bigger picture sometimes - and this is a classic example. When he's old and left home, I know I'll miss these years of spending so much time with him and having no-one to share him with.

BoffinMum, How do you deduce that, from the OP's posts? (that there is more going on in the school re: discipline?) Sounds like you are blaming the school for the OP's son's poor behaviour.

If he's influencing other kids could it be a case of them not being able to say 'no' to him, and him wanting to know why? Instead of 'letting' them. Or demanding answers?

Is your DS failing to do what the teacher tells him? If he is resisting following the teacher's orders and questioning why the teacher has ordered him to do something (which might sound to the teacher like your DS will only do what he's told if he concludes the reason for the order is acceptable to him, in other words he will only follow an order if he decides it's worth following) then I can see why teachers feel your son is not behaving well. It's great to explain reasons for saying "no" to something as long as the child understands that the "no" is to be followed.

When she says you treat him like an adult is the Head implying that you do not make it clear that you are an adult and he is a child? Sometimes people offer children information and choices that they can't cope with.
I did explain to my son why he shpuldn't do things until it was pointed out that as he has Aspergers Syndrome he would tend to remember randpm parts of what I had said and not the whole thing. After that we learnt to explain more succinctly and also to say 'Because I said so' sometimes.

He's sucking his thumb more because he is lacking comfort at home? Isn't that slightly wonky thinking? My DS sucked his thumb at school because he couldn't cope with the stress of school.

Best of luck op. Sounds like you are doing brilliantly. Positive parenting really worked for us.

Clam, from this bit:

Yes, you are right and I have questioned the HT (now DS is learning and is becoming more "like the other boys on his class" rather than unmanageable like he was a year ago) about what she is doing to improve the behaviour of he other boys in the class as I do not see them having 6 weekly meetings. She assured me that steps were being taken.

They have also agreed that his class has a lot of boisterous boys and that DS, although he is not on his own with some of the behaviour that he exhibits, he is often a ring leader and the one to take things to the next level.

Hello

I just wanted to give you all an update as I had so many helpful posts and PMs!

I bought the book How to talk so children listen and how to listen so children will talk - and it's been amazing! I'm 2 chapters in (limiting myself to a few pages as a sitting) and it's really changed how I speak to DS.

DS - teeth. He goes and brushes his teeth
Dirty clothes go in the wash basket. He collects all of the odd socks etc and puts them in the wash
Your hands are dirty. He washes his hands
Story time in 5 minutes for all boys who have brushed their teeth - 2 stories if you can find the Gruffalo!!

I've made myself notes and stuck them around the downstairs (most angry area) with strategies - "Describe what you see" etc and I'm just so impressed with what a difference it has already made.

Less shouting, less stress, it's just lovely.

Let's hope it lasts!

Thank you lovely ladies for your great advice

That's fantastic news OP. Really glad you found the book useful. Long may it last!

Brilliant! Well done.

Awesome, great news!

That is a great book, I wish I'd found it earlier in my parenting journey, I was making pretty much every mistake they listed in those early chapters! Glad it is all working better for you. I think sometimes you can get stuck in a rut of behaviour-response and it is great to change that.