To wonder if teacher is wrong?

[sezamcgregor]

Had meeting today with head teacher re DS's progress he's 6.

We've had problems and I'm having regular meetings to discuss progress and to get guidance with my parenting.

I've been told that I speak to DS like an adult because when he does something g wrong, I often explain to him why rather than just saying No. Just No.

I always had the idea that if you were fair with children and have them a reason why we don't do things, it would be better on the long run as thy know why and we're not just saying No for no reason or just for the sake of it.

I really feel like I've had the carpet pulled from under me as this is something that I've always really believed in having thought that if my own mum had told me why more often I would have understood things better and would have understood that she was being fair rather than just snapping that No means No all of the time.

She's made it very clear that I should stop explaining my Nos and should do a No means No approach.

Howstricks - they're not cliches for no reason! Thank you for those!

4 years on from him first being difficult with the terrible twos, it's a very long phase! I know that it will get better with time, and it has already over the last year improved dramatically. I just get disheartened when there's always a "next thing to work on" every time we have one of these meetings. It's always either another cause for concern or issue that now that he's able to learn, they're now able to see "what lies beneath".

This sounds so much like ds, and me
I started to get so down that all this poor child hears is negative
His school have been fantastic in finding small simple schemes to deal with his behaviour.e.g every time the teacher notices that he has waited patiently to talk, or not interrupted, he gets to colour in a dot on a leopard, when the leopard is coloured in, he gets to choose a prize.
I've taken time to descriptively praise him and be more positive.
We have our own system at home where he can earn ticks, which he seems very enthusiastic about. E.g every time he accepts when I say no, he gets a tick. Every time he does something first time, he gets a tick. There isn't even a prize, he just seems delighted that he is doing well. It's almost like I have to show him all the good things he can do. We've only been going a week, so early days, but I didn't tell him off once today, which is a big deal.

It's heartbreaking
Fwiw, I think discussing things with kids is a great thing
Today we discussed how grown ups know more than children, this came from him!

OP I've been on my own with ds since birth, he's 8 and I think it's a very unique and intense relationship when it's just the two of you. Naturally you communicate so much and it is very easy to talk to them as if they are older than their years. Ds and I debate everything, neither of us has anyone else to talk to/play with! Ds is also very obedient. I'm not saying this to brag as I really feel for you, but to demonstrate that your parenting technique is not necessarily the reason for his behaviour (in fact it probably isn't). Spending so much one on one time with an adult can result in very empathic and emotionally mature children. Don't give up op :)

PPaka - that tick idea sounds great - I'll have a think about that and see if I can incorporate it. He is worse with me when we are out and about. He's naughty, I reign him in, he apologises, says he'll not do it again etc - seconds later, he's doing the same thing. This is my weekend. Constantly telling him off, getting more and more stressed. I can keep stickers in my pocket - so will nip to the shop after work and buy some - that sounds like a great idea! Class teacher says that he loves her giving him stickers for doing well at phonics and stuff.

Could you give me an idea of the sort of things that you say for "descriptive praise" - just so that I can see what you do.

Thanks again for your post! Sezam

Floozey - yes, we had a chat about how to buy a house which lead to a discussion about mortgages! I just think that while he shows an interest in things, why not tell him? It's not hurting and it makes me aware of how much I know about random things (shame it can't go on my CV) - and if I don't know, I do some research and we talk about it another day.

He's very clever and likes to know how things work, why things happen etc and surprises me how much of the information he retains.

My mum was a nightmare as I was growing up - few clear boundaries, she'd promise me the world one day and then not deliver and not give me a reason why and she'd make flippant comments about very grown up stuff and then refuse to explain things as she "didn't want to go there" - it meant that I had lots of grown up information, and was like being told facts at A Level without studied GCSEs. I don't want this to happen with DS and I want him to know how things work so that when he's older, we're fair with each other rather than it being a dictatorship and him rebelling against it. I saw friends at school who got on with their parents, and it was because they were asked about things and discussed things rather than parents making all of the decisions by themselves.

Parenting DS is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I feel for you OP. That sounds really stressful. Well done for sticking at it and accepting the advice offered. Every time you feel despair, look back on what he used to be like compared to now and see the improvements, hopefully that'll give you strength. Good luck.

There is more to this than a simple "you shouldn't explain stuff". I can think of 3 possible reasons:

1. The message "do not climb the fence" may be getting lost in the longer paragraph. My DS, 5, is bright enough at specific tasks (chess, reading) but understanding long sentences is still difficult for him, and he compounds it by switching off if it's too hard. I still simplify the message to get it across to him

2. she's saying he needs simple rules and boundaries. If we talk to a child in Adult-Adult mode all the time the world is more complicated to navigate than if they have the security net of 'Parent - child' mode to build their basic framework on. This is right and that is wrong, and the nuances come later. Discuss and negotiate sometimes, sure, but he also needs things spelled out and simplified.

3. he is not stupid. "DS, PJs!" gets the message across. He doesn't need an explanation about why he needs to wear PJs to bed every night, he needs not to manipulate you into giving him along explanation every night when you both know it is time for bed and he's just stalling. Ditto climbing on the fence, hitting people, whatever. Most of the time he knows it's wrong, you know it's wrong, and there is a risk you are rewarding his bad behaviour with lots of attention. It shouldn't take more than a sentence to convey why it's wrong. If it does take more, he is living in a very complicated world with complex rules to remember and negotiate through - see (2) above.

few links for descriptive praise, it really does work, and quickly.
I'll pm you too

parents central

parentsonline

online parenting coach

and this is good about helping you to change some of your ideas

OP, I'd recommend the book How to Talk so Kids Listen and Listen so Kids Talk.

You know your son doesnt need a say in why you say no I think you might give hi room to negotiate which for a 6 yr old they cant cope with I dont know why you are having meetings about your parenting but yiur sons behaviour is impacting on school, listen to them take on board what they are saying

I second Tumbletumble's suggestion.

[[www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889] How to talk so kids will listen]

Hah, messed up the linky, but you get the drift :)

I think a simple explanation is always good as it will help in the dirtier when he needs to make life choices.

What's the problem at school?

Help with decision making rather

caeleth84 - I've ordered that book from Amazon, thank you. Looking forward to it arriving!

Random - I've explained through the thread what the problem is. Need to speak to her about it more I think as I'm not certain that I know what she was meaning yesterday.

It's frustrating when the strategies and advice keeps being tweaked.

Tumble - Book ordered :D

It's great :) Easy to read and with exercises after each section. Good luck!

I brought my children up on the basis that you did not say 'no'.

However, this was from an educational psychologist, and does not mean you let them do what they want or outwit you with logic.

It was a matter of explaining the behaviour that you expect from the child and then rewarding the good behaviour. Then building on this as they grow.

I found Steve Biddulph's Secrets of Happy Children and More Secrets of Happy Children helpful. They do not give you a prescriptive recipe of how to bring up children, or change specific behaviour. They do, however, give you more confidence in your own parenting skills and in following them through.

Hi Summertime - I'll look those up, thank you. I've just ordered two books off Amazon and don't want to be snowed under. Thank you for your post.

Another way is not to say 'Do not climb on the fence'

but to say 'Get back onto the ground'

ie tell them what your want them to do rather than what you do not want them to do. It shifts the focus to the desired behaviour, rather than emphasising the undesired behaviour in his mind.

When he is off the fence you can say well done for getting off the fence, this is why I want you to behave this way...........

I think "no means no" and explaining why it is "no" are not mutually exclusive.

The trouble with saying no is that the child is pulled up short and then has to process what they are doing and then has to work out what it is that has to be stopped.

It is the same for 'Don't do....'

It also means that the undesired behaviour is in the forefront of their mind, so even if it is something they did not intend to do, it is now looming large in the brain and just has to be done.

By saying 'Do this', you are saying what you want them to do and bypassing the woolly dithering in between. You can then move forward.

It is particularly useful with toddlers and children who do not concentrate well.

If you want them to do something that they are not keen on, you give them two alternatives. Usually they will do the thing you want them to do if it is 'easier'. You can say 'you need to do the washing up, or get the homework finished' You win either way . Still works on 22yr old boy, but the girls are not so daft.

Am also a single mum that like it my way :). I pick my battles but also have found that constantly shouting has the opposite effect: it becomes background noise for him and annoying for me. I've found that no, to be repeated firmly and calmly until it's done, counting to 3 and silent treatment works. Good luck!