To wonder if teacher is wrong?

[sezamcgregor]

Had meeting today with head teacher re DS's progress he's 6.

We've had problems and I'm having regular meetings to discuss progress and to get guidance with my parenting.

I've been told that I speak to DS like an adult because when he does something g wrong, I often explain to him why rather than just saying No. Just No.

I always had the idea that if you were fair with children and have them a reason why we don't do things, it would be better on the long run as thy know why and we're not just saying No for no reason or just for the sake of it.

I really feel like I've had the carpet pulled from under me as this is something that I've always really believed in having thought that if my own mum had told me why more often I would have understood things better and would have understood that she was being fair rather than just snapping that No means No all of the time.

She's made it very clear that I should stop explaining my Nos and should do a No means No approach.

I used to teach that age group and frankly half of all boys are somewhat nutty and all over the place until age 7 or 8.

All will be well.

Oh sez you poor thing I can see you are trying really hard - it takes it out of you I know. I'm relieved you find the school supportive because having a 'challenging' child isn't fun. How about, just to be on the safe side, you go to your GP and explain the problems your son is having at school and home and ask to be referred to CAMHS (Child, Adolescent Mental Health Service). Please don't be put off by the Mental Health in the name (as I was!) and there's usually a waiting list. And ask the HT to get in the Ed Psych to assess - just discussing a child is just that - discussion.

And from a parent who has been there here are some .

Dozie - SureStart girl has said already that she gets lots of referrals at this age but hardly any at 7/8 and so by then he should have naturally calmed down.

I've had all of this help because his behaviour was affecting his learning and that of his class mates.

It's okay saying he should be okay by the time he's 7/8 but I've got to get through this year first!

HT will be his teacher 50% of next year, and so transition from Y1-Y2 and from infants to juniors should be relatively smooth as I'll have her on hand.

i dont think trying this strategy for a while will do any harm, i think dc need firm boundaries....and to try this for a while wont harm him

HowsTricks - my mum does try to help but she's depressed an so had that to cope with. We go through waves with her being okay and then (like now) have times when she's not very supportive and will undermine me in front of DS eg talking to him while he's on the naughty step or questioning me telling him to go there "he doesn't have to go and sit on the stairs". I usually find that's a good time to leave.

I have siblings who are enjoying their own lives, so a lot of the time it's just me. It's why I've found SureStart such a help, it's like having someone on my corner with me as no-one else is anywhere to be seen.

Friends don't understand - either DD has hit their child or else theirs is quiet and well behaved and they just don't get it.

I'm puzzled as to where the low self esteem has come from and how not explaining your decisions will impact on his self esteem.

Boffin Lots of them are very fizzy and wriggly, yes, but how many of their parents have been called into the Head for discussions with external agencies like the OP has? This would seem to be worse than "normal."

Recharging - teacher also implied that he's sucking his thumb more because he's lacking comfort at home.

I feel like the walls are closing in on me.

DS is one of those children that you can't help but like and I know that teachers are doing their best for him.

I don't know about CAHMS but have seen it batted about on other thread so nice to know that it stands for! I'm speaking to school doctor soon anyway and will mention it to her. I don't really have a specific GP and trust the female doctor that I have seen about DS before. She seems to know what's going on. I might ring her actually.

That's the spirit sez please ring her - I've got to go now (tired) but good luck.

In a class of 30 plus kids a teacher must be in control. The children must understand that the adult is in charge and that they need to do as they're asked. It keeps children safe and able to learn.
A teacher does not have the time to mirror your parenting techniques. She has 30 kids, you have one.
All children need to learn that school is different from home, they need to be emotionally flexible.
You need to tell your ds that he has to do what the teacher asks without question, without persuasion. It is about the wellbeing of the group , not just the individual.

Clam - usually class teacher would attend CAF meetings (which is what they call our get-togethers) but HT has always insisted on coming to mine as I think she likes to be on on the action and is the person who speaks to Ed Psychologist etc.

DS got referred last year and SureStart worker thought CAF meetings would be helpful for me as it makes us all sit down together and discuss what we're each doing - what's working, what's not, any concerns etc.

Essentially, they're my meetings - as SureStart girl keeps telling me. They're so that I know what's going on and don't feel like I'm out of the loop with all of these professionals and agencies being involved with my child.

When mine were this age we'd go to local country parks where they could run, jump, climb safely. And have long walks, usually with another mum, any chance of that OP?
Do you have a neighbour's dog you could walk?
Just remembering how exhausting it is being cooped up with DCs if they are misbehaving.

sez please don't get disheartened it really does sound like you are doing a great job and are getting some really good support mostly from the school. The he's comments today could be just a throw away comment of she can't give you specific examples and it may be worth taking it on board as an extra method when a situation means explaining isn't appropriate at that moment.

My godson sounds very similar to your ds in terms of being highly strung but ridiculously likeable. He was said not to have adhd although I suspect they were wrong. Maybe it might be worth trying a slightly different approach that combines what the ht is asking for (because there are times in school when there isn't time to explain and no needs to be enough) and your normal approach.

Could you maybe try the just saying no on certain behaviours for example if you ask him to do something and he replies with "can I do this first" then just say no and then use your stair tactic if he refuses to do what you have asked and then save the explanation for after he has done as you asked him?

sezamcgregor That wasn't my point. The fact that the Head is in on those meetings isn't relevant; it's the fact that those meetings have been recommended as necessary in the first place. Boffin was implying that loads of boys exhibit the same tendencies. I was saying that not many are referred for additional support unless the school feels there are issues beyond the norm.

Lol Dozie - we are always walking!

DS and I do a mile a few times a week, walk to and from school. Weekends we spend either in the park or walk a few miles to the next village and go to their park!

The problem that I have is that we're by ourselves a lot and so he's use to having 1-2-1 a lot of the time. We walk, we sing, we race. We do have fun but there's a fine line between having fun and Ooooh, took it too far! ;-) lol

We don't have many friends from school that would meet with us at weekends - and the ones that we do get on with enjoy time as a family as thy don't see their husbands all week.

I've started meeting other single parents and hope that this will help us all out once we get into a nice routine.

I think I'm a bit a lot highly strung to be honest. Things have to be on my terms, and once I'm moody, its hard to snap out of it! I am getting better - in that I recognise when I'm being silly, bit need to put more effort into the counting to 10 thing.

OP, all I'm reading here are excuses (on behalf of the professionals), likely because they have no idea what to do and everyone involved lacks the expertise.

What needs to be determined is why he is engaging in the behaviours that are a "problem" both at home and school. And by why I mean looking at environmental factors that surround the behaviour (I.e. What's observable).

For example:
Teacher asks child to do his work. Child snaps pencil and rips paper.

Now instead of saying "he has ADHD/emotional issues/bad parenting", look at what happens next! Does the teacher make him do it? Or does he get sent out (thus avoiding the work)? If it's the latter and the behaviours are increasing, then it would be reasonable to say "X engages in destructive behaviours because he escapes tasks that way". See how much more objective that is?

I am personally appalled that the school are now pointing the finger at YOU because they just.dont.know what else to do. Seek professional help, ideally from a certified behaviour analyst, or PM me for more info.

Don't bother with CAMHS, this is entirely outside their realm of experience and knowledge. They will be keen to diagnose and then bye-bye! No actual help. GP will likely be useless too, they aren't trained in this. As I said, PM me and I can explain further.

Clam - sorry I had misread my message.

Yes, you are right and I have questioned the HT (now DS is learning and is becoming more "like the other boys on his class" rather than unmanageable like he was a year ago) about what she is doing to improve the behaviour of he other boys in the class as I do not see them having 6 weekly meetings. She assured me that steps were being taken.

They have also agreed that his class has a lot of boisterous boys and that DS, although he is not on his own with some of the behaviour that he exhibits, he is often a ring leader and the one to take things to the next level.

sez have you considered enrolling him in cubs? My dss is the opposite of your ds in that his low self esteem causes him to be very introverted and withdrawn but he does answer back toothed teachers when he feels that they are wrong to be telling him off or he disagrees with their explanation etc

we enrolled him in cubs and the change was brilliant!! Being in that environment where he could let of steam and interact with other kids that didn't know him from school etc really helped him come out of his shell and "conform" to more normal behaviour

Wheresthelight - way ahead of you! He goes to Beavers and loves it! Silver Beaver is used to hyper/attention seeking/ADHD children and is very good with him.

That's good then!! I run brownies and tend to get the "difficult" ones sent to me as I used to teach and understanding sn a lot more and able to adapt programmes to meet needs. A good leader will make allthe ddifference

Have you looked at local football teams? Or maybe martial arts maybe? They focus heavily on discipline and might also help him socialise a bit better?

Meeting with other single parents sounds a good idea.

It would be great if you could babysit for each other so you get the odd afternoon off, but sounds like you are doing the best possible for him. Hang on in there.

I love the saying 'This too will pass'... have often used it when fed up or lonely or at the end of my tether. Keep plodding on, they aren't this little (and madly energetic!) forever. Stay firm but fair (crikey i'm captain cliche!!) and please remember the hugs and giggles. Try to look after yourself too..it can be a lonely effort but it all comes out in the wash! (See..got one more in!!!).

I think you have misunderstood me again. The behaviour of the other boys is not the issue either. The issue is that if your ds's behaviour was within the parameters of "normal" for his age, then the school would not be involving external agencies.

Clam - I was pointing out that now that he is becoming more "normal" for his age, the school still seem to only focus on my DS.

I am aware that he was exhibiting extreme behaviour to get the referrals and I have been jumping through hoops all year to satisfy their suggestions for strategies and will be glad when they stop these meetings and have a child that everyone considers to just be a normal boy.

I agree with clam. I would say that the school has pretty serious concerns about his behaviour and its effect on both his own learning wellbeing, and that of others in the class, given the level of support you are receiving.