WIBU for dh to take a big pay cut and for us to claim more tax credits?

[balenciaga]

I was going to nc for this as I think I'm gona be told we are being v v U. But fuck it am on my phone and can't nc on it and CBA to put laptop on to do it

Anyway. Dh has a new job. It's 32k, on that, we get 48 a week tcs with 3 dc (believe it or not that's ok money where we are)

However dh hates his new job, it's stupidly long hours and very stressful with no sign of letting up. I know it sounds pathetic but he has been in tears over it. we have a new (ish) born baby as well and he's never bloody here. And when he is, he is a tired mess and no good to any of us. He has a contact that has offered him a job working for him but it's only 20k

However it's a huge drop. And we initially thought he can't possibly take it as we would be skint. But then we did a calculation on hmrc site and worked out that if he took the new job we could claim higher tcs which would take us up to around a similar income, a bit less but not much

New job dh could do with his eyes closed and it's much less hours and easier work. So he will have a better work life balance and not be making himself Poorly with stress

But the idea of claiming more tcs doesn't sit right with me, and I also worry that soon they'll be put a stop to anyway

So I'm putting this to the mn jury...ps: fwiw I will be going back to work in a few months so we would not claim them long term

balenciaga the preschool years are the groundwork years; the hard slog years. Once litleun is in school you can regroup and think about next steps. You are being very very hard on yourself.

As for renting and blended families - it's the 21st century and the housing market is horrific. Your parents really need to try to catch up with the times.

balenciaga you have just described my life except i'm in my early 40's and also have a disabled Dc but we plod on and seem to manage, flitting from one crisis to the next but enjoying the calm moments inbetween.

Stop looking too far ahead and concentrate on the here and now. Sort your Dh out now and then sort the rest.

Things will get better

balenciaga whatever options are in front of you, you are giving good thought to weighing up the whole situation and seeking advice.

That's exactly the right thing to be doing.

It's stressful right now because you do have an imminent tricky decision, since your DH is going to have accept/decline the job offer in the very near future, and there are some unsupportive comments on here.

Tax credits aside for a moment, the job offer is a good thing. Hopefully the fact your DH is looking and seriously considering a drop in salary, will force his current employment to really consider his value and they will look to redress whatever issues he is facing. If, on the other hand they don't bother, or seem disingenuous, then it's safe to assume they are crap employers and the stress of being there is only going to get worse. No amount of "stress management" your DH seeks on his own will have any effective impact.

In which case, being proactive in taking another full time position now, while you look to go back to work in a few months time is probably the most sensible thing to do, for both you and the state. Personally I am glad there is a support system there which will enable your family not to have to undergo any other major stressors such as downsizing etc, and bridging the gap for you to move on forwards again.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

OP, there's better places to post and get support than AIBU, you know that.

I don't profess to understand the ins and out of your situation but on first impression your DH needs to 'man up' a bit.

This job might be shit but such a bit drop in salary isn't the only option and, with 3 children, he can't just opt for the easy way out.

What's to say the £20k job will be any better?

Btw, 2 failed marriages between you is nothing- it's only 1 each

YANBU for you

YABVVU for the rest of us
why should we pay tax credit because you choose not to earn as much as you can?

as tax credit come from teh taxes paid by other earners

Is there any point in trying to progress a career these days?

Yes, there is every point. Children aren't children forever. At some point, the Tax Credits stop. At that point, there is a massive drop in income and potentially years (maybe as many as 20 - 25, depending on how far spaced your children are) of non-stress, low income work making it very difficult to suddenly get something better paid to continue to live the life you had before. And that's before considering the impact it has on saving for the future and pensions and just the basics of self-esteem and support yourself short-medium-long term.

Tax Credits are a benefit. They can be withdrawn at any time. As a single parent who works in a stressful, full-time job, I know that I would be no worse off if I dropped down to 3 days a week. However, if I did that, people would start screaming 'benefit scrounger' at me and suggest I needed to have some pride and support my family 'properly' ('you shouldn't have had children if you couldn't afford them' crap). Apparently, however, it's fine for 'working families'.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Life is really tough with babies and stressful jobs etc. It's hellish.

You've more or less described my life too :) I'm 34. I've been married 3 times (Yes really... Once to dds dad who I left, my longest time to a man who then left me and now to my lovely dh). I have a toddler son with my dh and a much older dd.

I went to a top London school on a full scholarship. I turned down a place at Oxford to look after a terminally ill family member. I then worked my way up to be a successful senior marketing manager in London. I then got made redundant and my life hasn't really recovered since. I then worked part time minimum wage for a long time as by then we had relocated and it was all I could find.

I then developed kidney problems and a pituitary tumour. Dh works full time for minimum wage and I am now a sahm for a myriad of reasons including health and the fact tax credits don't make it pay for me to work.

Am I a failure? Fuck no. I do the best I can for my children. I do the best I can for my family. If I could wave a magic wand so we didn't need to rely on tax credits then I would but despite what some would believe on threads like these jobs (especially outside of london) do not pop up all that regularly and quality of childcare is much more patchy.

Don't feel bad op. Please don't. You're not a failure. You're just struggling that's all. Things will get better.

£500 a year ponky we used to get more than that on 36k

Tax credits amounts depend how many kids you have. The more children the higher the threshold so on an income of £20k with 3 kids, op's family would be getting a good amount in tax credits.

In short, either your DH gets the support he needs at work, or you take temporary help to improve your situation and avoid both your health getting worse. Win win!

It's got bog all to do with your DH needing to "man up".

#facepalm

Well said Fairylea

All I can say is there are crap 18k full time jobs out there these days and even lower for people without kids who can't get a penny tax credits top ups who have to struggle on £200 a week etc to live on when rent is £115, fares £30, council tax £20, bills, good etc.
I'd love to be offered a 32k job even if it was 8am-6pm!
Would buy a good house and be well off!

My opinion is the child working tax credit system is a joke, it does not encourage people to work full time if they can etc as in many circumstances people are choosing to work less hours or less paid easier jobs just because its easier and there are state top ups.
Too much help out there for parents.
Non parents paying tax are indirectly paying tax to bring up other people's children. It's not right.

Why has It's got bog all to do with your DH needing to "man up".?

He's got a new job, he doesn't like it- the default is not relying on benefits before exploring other job opportunities.

I think there's a bit more to it than not liking his job. The current job is impacting unhealthily on his home life and ability to support his wife and baby. He has explored other job opportunities and been offered a job and is yet to see how his current employment could be improved.

It is not a default position, and if support is not forthcoming from his current employers, I would bet good money if he went to a GP and described his situation, they would give him full support.

OP if there's one post on this thread to listen to, it's Fairylea's.

Ignore the rest.

non-stress, low income work

Seriously?? An ex of mine used to work for a car rental company on minimum wage. And it was VERY stressful. They were expected to drive for hours. Expected to answer the phone while driving for the boss to shout at them even after the usage of a phone behind the wheel was made illegal.

I also know people who work in shops and factories and care work These jobs are all low paid and stressful.

I'm sorry that you are low, but as I said before, lots of people have stressful jobs that are hard and pay rubbish money. I think it is awful that some people can count their time as more important and expect the rest of us to subsidise them having an easier life.
Turning the waterworks on when told YABU doesn't change my opinion.

Balenciaga,sorry to read you feel it's all getting too much.go see your gp and talk to HV

What you are suggesting is theft and completely immoral. I'm just surprised that no one else has told you yet.

He has explored other job opportunities and been offered a job

I think that's stretching the truth a bit- OP said a contact had offered the other job- that's not exploring all opportunities- that's taking the first thing that's come up.

A lot of people don't like/ get stressed about work but, particularly in a new job, you can't just give up.

"Why not look for another 32k job? It's hardly captain of industry, 60 hours a week territory on that wage, is it?"

I know the thread has moved on a bit, but what a horrible sneery thing to say. And if you knew anything about it you would know that it's actually middle managers and below who suffer most with work-related stress as they have less control over their working environments.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whitehall_Study

also, balenciaga, I am a couple of years older than you, and my husband is giving up a well-paying job that supports us all to retrain as a primary school teacher! It's scary times, but we'll be in the much the same position - renting, surviving on one small salary (mine, from the job I'll be starting soon), not much money. It does feel 'wrong' in some ways that we're embracing such insecurity in our thirties, but I'm thinking of the long game and so should you. You are NOT a failure, you haven't failed your children. Hold steady x

The situation described on this thread is proof that, when it introduced Tax Credits, the Blair/Brown Labour Government knew exactly what it was doing.

It wanted to raise the threshold at which people became dependent on the State, knowing that by so doing, it would expand its client base and have more people 'needing' a Labour electoral victory to maintain 'their' benefits.

I'll wager the vast majority of those 'supporting' the OP are Labour voters.

With such little self-respect and dignity left, what hope for us as a country. We're fkd.

OP, please don't listen to the Daily Mail reading sheep who are just here to beat you with their anti benefits sticks. It happens every single thread like this and it's boring.

You must do what is right for your family. It sounds like you need extra support right now, so your DH taking a pay cut and you getting that support, even while claiming extra TCs will probably save the public purse money in the long run. You say you will be going back to work soon anyway, so it will just be short term, so I say, fill your boots.

Just to make things clear. I don't claim any benefits, not even CB yet as DS has been in a special boarding school and it felt wrong to do so. He leaves next week, presumably people are ok with me then claiming CB?

My criticism is aimed more at the system that Labour devised and implemented, rather than people like the OP, who are the victims of it.

This is the whole point of the Left, to remove people's sense of independence and self-reliance and make them feel they have no options other than seeking State 'help'.

An utterly vile ideology.