WIBU for dh to take a big pay cut and for us to claim more tax credits?

[balenciaga]

I was going to nc for this as I think I'm gona be told we are being v v U. But fuck it am on my phone and can't nc on it and CBA to put laptop on to do it

Anyway. Dh has a new job. It's 32k, on that, we get 48 a week tcs with 3 dc (believe it or not that's ok money where we are)

However dh hates his new job, it's stupidly long hours and very stressful with no sign of letting up. I know it sounds pathetic but he has been in tears over it. we have a new (ish) born baby as well and he's never bloody here. And when he is, he is a tired mess and no good to any of us. He has a contact that has offered him a job working for him but it's only 20k

However it's a huge drop. And we initially thought he can't possibly take it as we would be skint. But then we did a calculation on hmrc site and worked out that if he took the new job we could claim higher tcs which would take us up to around a similar income, a bit less but not much

New job dh could do with his eyes closed and it's much less hours and easier work. So he will have a better work life balance and not be making himself Poorly with stress

But the idea of claiming more tcs doesn't sit right with me, and I also worry that soon they'll be put a stop to anyway

So I'm putting this to the mn jury...ps: fwiw I will be going back to work in a few months so we would not claim them long term

[Bearbehind]

Fair point

[HoopyViper]

You are right there - but I'm not sure putting it to the MN jury is making a decision on a whim or an easy option though!

[Bearbehind]

No, the point is there may well be more going on that op doesn't want to divulge.

There might be but equally it might just be exactly as the OP has outlined and comments about 'harassing' and 'crippling stress' might be exaggerations - the fact is we don't know.

What is indisputable though is the fact that whatever decision they make shouldn't be taken on a whim and should be taken after exploring all option, not just going for the easy option.

[HoopyViper]

No, the point is there may well be more going on that op doesn't want to divulge.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

comparing a job where someone has been phoned by work while on holiday on one occasion with an abusive relationship is just lazy thinking.

[Darkesteyes]

HoopyViper Fri 06-Jun-14 14:38:58



I would also repeat my point from very early on in this thread that yes stress management can help, but if the main stressor is the workplace, and that is unlikely to change, then all the stress management techniques in the world won't solve things. It's a bit like being in an abusive relationship, where the victim feels it's all their fault because they should/shouldn't do this or that and IF they just to this or that differently it will be manageable




THIS. Totally agree Victim blaming seems to be happening in both cases.


The manager was phoning and harassing the OPs DH on what was meant to be his day off FFS!

[HoopyViper]

I would also repeat my point from very early on in this thread that yes stress management can help, but if the main stressor is the workplace, and that is unlikely to change, then all the stress management techniques in the world won't solve things. It's a bit like being in an abusive relationship, where the victim feels it's all their fault because they should/shouldn't do this or that and IF they just to this or that differently it will be manageable.

But really this is now a futile debate, since I would be very surprised if the op wanted to divulge the full details as they have already stated they don't want to be outed. The discussion around how stressed the DH is and how far the company is at fault needs a full confidential assessment from someone qualified. OP and DH need to seek outside support for their health and DH could do well to give ACAS a call. I think we are all in agreement with that?

OP just make a decision you feel you can live with, there will always be someone who disagrees, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW THE FULL FACTS.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

hoopy - I can get stressed in a stressful situation if I don't look after myself: e.g. alcohol = bad, exercise = good.

this seems fairly normal to me.

so if someone does not look after their body/brain but then wonders why they don't feel good, a first step should be taking obvious healthy living advice.

and its what the NHS recommend.

[HoopyViper]

I get what you're saying youare, and agree op and dH need to get support for the stress. But I do not blame op or dh for considering leaving now, since there is a firm job offer on the table. I don't know whereabouts in the country you are, but where I am competition is crazy, and harder when you are already struggling from stress and under lots of pressure.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

once more:

talking about leaving a job because of stress when you have not even taken basic NHS advice seems like looking for an easy option not actually dealing with the stress.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

talking about leaving a job because of stress when you have not even taken basic NHS advice does not seem like looking for an easy option not actually dealing with the stress.

[Bearbehind]

Well you don't start looking for other much lower paid jobs if you're suffering manageable levels of stress...

But he hasn't been looking- a contact has handed it to him on a plate and he's considering it as he doesn't like what he's doing now and they've realised they can keep the same overall income with TC top ups.

That's very different to having consciously decided that he wants a much lower paid job, that he's happy with the affect on is cv and then actively researching and applying for one.

It does sound to me very much like he is doing this on a whim after one or two tough days

Rightly or wrongly many people work unpaid overtime and long hours and it does get tough sometimes.

[writtenguarantee]

TC are calculated using the previous years salary so would remain at £48 per week

who is eligible for 48 pounds per week? what's the household threshold?

two separate issues here. Should the OP do it? Sure, if it works out for the family. But it might not in the long run (loss of opportunity and potential fall in TC).

the other question is that should this in general be doable? I think I see why some people think the welfare state in Britain is out of control.

[Gen35]

But as many people have pointed out, he's taking a cut to his cv and long term earning potential too, not just income. You don't do this on a whim after one or two tough days.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

but the OP does not think their income would be adversely affected so he is looking for an easier job not one that will reduce the HH income.

[Gen35]

Well you don't start looking for other much lower paid jobs if you're suffering manageable levels of stress...

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

findo - but I suggest you are the exception. most people have a common view of what causes stress with death and illness being way above a phone call.

I posted a link above of how the NHS says you can better deal with stress.

if I were the OP I would have gone there! but then it depends what sort of solution you want.

[FindoGask]

"if you don't work out coping strategies for day to day stresses you will be screwed when the life throws something very tough at you."

That doesn't necessarily play. To take one example, I can tie myself up in knots at the thought of going somewhere new for the first time or making a particular phone call, but on the few occasions in my life where the shit has really hit the fan, I have been perfectly calm and rational. Different stressors have different effects on people.

That's not to say I don't agree with your wider point about coping mechanisms. Working out strategies for dealing with stress means taking some control over the situation, which in itself is helpful.

[Bearbehind]

I agree many stresses are manageable youare and I totally agree the the OP's DH doesn't seem to be looking for a workable solution- just a cop out.

Even the update that he's decided to grin and bear it is testament to that as it's not a long term solution.

I also don't see how someone who has got upset over work now has 'crippling stress'. Where does it say he is crying and feeling powerless on a daily basis? That seems somewhat of an exaggeration

[Serenitysutton]

He needs to find another job- the tax credits are a red herring. Find another £32k job. If there are none then maybe you need to accept he was being paid £32k not for his skills and experience but "blood money" for terrible conditions. Bad companies often pay very well
Because they find it difficult to attract and retain staff.

Whether he finds another £32k job or sticks with the £20k, if he's been there a year he can them take them
To tribunal for constructive dismissal. I am
Assuming he has done the common sense thins such as discussing and lodging his unhappiness etc, his grievance at not being allowed to take annual leave.

[Gen35]

But there is manageable stress and there is crippling stress. Everyone's ability to cope is different. Crying and feeling powerless on a daily basis is crippling. I agree it's not about the hours or responsibility as such, and op's dh needs some counselling but like a lot of things on mn we have to take the reported crippling stress levels being felt as a true statement.

[GerbilsAteMyCat]

I am delighted that the OP feels the money earned by others working long hours away from their children in jobs they may not necessarily enjoy should fund herlifestyle.
Work is called 'work' and not 'HAPPY HAPPY FUN TIME' for a reason.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

i dont understand why no one seems to agree that many stresses are manageable. DP & I often find work stressful and work long hours (which seems fairly normal) but we manage our stress and when we don't we do feel more stressed.

The OP does not seems to be looking for workable solutions but wanting validation for the running away from it route. there are many stresses in life that are unavoidable (illness/death) and if you don't work out coping strategies for day to day stresses you will be screwed when the life throws something very tough at you.

[Bearbehind]

The OP hasn't elaborated on what the fear culture really means therefore it's not possible to comment.

TBH from what she has said, it doesn't sound horrendous.

She said his work hours were 7am until 5.30pm but he regularly works until 6pm. I suspect many people work 30 minutes more than they are contracted.

Legally they can't refuse to allow a lunch break. If he stands his ground on this and they sack him or persecute to the extent he's forced to leave he can go for unfair or constructive dismissal.

The bit I really don't get is it seems that, although the job is new to him, the DH has worked for the company for a long time so surely he knew the politics and expectations of the role before he took it.

£32k is quite a bit more than the average wage so it's not going to be a walk in the park.

[HoopyViper]

OOh I'm just on another roundabout and I'm going to get off now, I'm getting nowhere lol.

Good luck OP, try to get some support from your GP - it will help I am sure.