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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you treat your sons and daughters equally... and, if not, why not?

169 replies

HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:16

I have ds (22 months) and Ds (2 months). I've promised. DD that I will treat her exactly the same as Ds. I then realised dh hasn't done the same and I've let him off the bloody hook (gonna rectify that though). He talks about how he's afraid to play rough with her like he did ds and a few other small things. Surely this is just beginning the sexist process at the earliest opportunity? I'm gonna have a word though!

So do all of you treat your sons the same as your daughters? And, if not, why the hell not?

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 03/06/2014 15:18

I dont treat my dcs exactly the same because they are different people.

FleurdeHeadLys · 03/06/2014 15:20

The whole different people thing gets in the way.

If my husband dared to lecture me on how I treated my children I would leave him, btw.

Summerblaze · 03/06/2014 15:20

Of course not. I dont treat my dd or ds1 or ds2 the same. They are individuals.

My DH does play rough with all 3 as they all like that. I love doing crafty things with DD but DS1 hates doing it so we do what he likes. DS2 loves kicking a football around and likes playing with cars. DS1 prefers playing with figures.

You really dont have to make every about sexism.

NigellasDealer · 03/06/2014 15:21

no I let my son do lots more than my daughter such as travelling across the country on a train alone or hitchhike home when he is stuck (we live in the middle of nowhere before anyone starts) that is because she has no sense of direction and is short sighted and has invariably lost her glasses.
also she would not even want to do that stuff to be honest.
they are just such different people - not even sure if the boy/girl thing is relevant.

Lancelottie · 03/06/2014 15:24

Nope, I don't treat them the same.

The boys are older, for a start, so you have the sibling thing of 'Whyyyy can't I when he is?'/'Why does she get to do that at 6 when you didn't let me till I was 10?'

Anyway, I'm kind of hoping we've got better at it with each successive child...

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 15:25

If my husband dared to lecture me on how I treated my children I would leave him, btw.

well he'd probably be better off then. If my husband treated my daughter as some kind special snowflake because she had a vagina I'd leave him.

It really doesn't take too much imagination to understand what the OP is asking. Obviously your children are different but do you let their genital choose your parenting direction ? Hmm

And in answer to the OP, No, because I'm not a sexist arsehole

Lancelottie · 03/06/2014 15:27

Agreed, Nigella -- I'd trust DS1 to find his way home from most places. DD on the other hand would have her head in a book.

DD can cook without burning the house down. DS1 can't. Not sure if that's sexist or just reflects their degree of interest in food?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 03/06/2014 15:28

well,thats the same thing though Really.

DD loves boxing and has been doing classes since aged 8
DS1 does swimming
ds2 does karate and street dance

They do these things because they chose to. Not because they are girls or boys

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 15:28

OP it starts at the beginning. If he won't rough house with her now, she will see herself as weaker. She will grow up to be weaker.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 03/06/2014 15:29

Apparently we are harder on the children of our sex, women expect more of girls and men more of the boys...we relax our expectations on those of opp sex...or so I have read...as a generalistation

Lancelottie · 03/06/2014 15:30

Actually, OP, that's probably what you mean, isn't it? Not 'do you treat them the same?', but 'Do you allow them equal chance to experience things and make their own choices?'

I think I might have to force a bit more interest in vehicles and sports on my daughter for her own sake.

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 15:31

No, the op is saying that her dh won't play rough with the dd because she is a girl. Unless the OP forgot to mention she also has brittle bones, he is treating her differently because she is a girl not just because they are different people.

FleurdeHeadLys · 03/06/2014 15:31

well he'd probably be better off then. If my husband treated my daughter as some kind special snowflake because she had a vagina I'd leave him.

Yeah, so would I. I was referring to how the OP has let him off the hook and is going to have a word. WTF? Since you are so hot on gender equality- would you be happy about a man talking about his wife like this?

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 15:32

The Op did say equal in the subject bit Lancelottie, but then changed it to the "same" in her main OP.

Equal is probably a better word.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 03/06/2014 15:33

well one of the ops dcs is 22 months and the other 2 months.

How much "rough play" would you expect at that age, regardless of gender?

beccajoh · 03/06/2014 15:34

My daughter is older than my son (she's 23m and he's 4m). With her I have always been careful to provide her with a range of toys, not just 'girl' toys. I've never bought into the pink versions of toys for girls - I mean wtf, girls only have toys that are one range of colours and boys have the multicoloured versions? She does have girly/feminine clothes (loves a tutu skirt) but it's not all she wears but I'll quite happily put her in something intended for boys too if I like it. She doesn't really have any opinions about what she wears at the moment. Boys and girls are the same basic shape until puberty!

I take the attitude that if she chooses to play with toys aimed at girls then that's fine. If she wants to be a ballerina, that's fine. I'm not going to make that decision for her. As it is she shows no interest in dolls and so on - it's all about cars and trains at the moment. She's a very active, physical toddler (she's a climber!) so we do activities where she can jump and run and climb, mainly because she's like a dog that needs to be exercised lol!

Children are children. There's no physical reason why girls can't do rough and tumble play. Equally I won't be bringing my son up with the 'boys don't cry' bullshit, or tell him that he's a little monster whilst his sister is little princess.

FleurdeHeadLys · 03/06/2014 15:34

Anyway, whichever one is 2 months old (I'm assuming the DD?) is probably too delicate for rough play just now. That's a natural fear when you look at a tiny baby- I bet he never thought he'd rough play with the PFB either.

Original poster
HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:34

Yep sorry, I should have been clearer... Do you treat them differently because of their gender? Obviously they're all different but some of that could be a result of being treated differently from a young age!

My husband is as much if a feminist as I am so he'll probably see it as more of an eye opener than a lecture... I hope Grin

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 03/06/2014 15:34

It really doesn't take too much imagination to understand what the OP is asking. Obviously your children are different but do you let their genital choose your parenting direction?

I read the question to be like this as well.

No I can't think of any reason we'd treat them differently because of their sex.

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 15:36

I expect if I am treating my children in a really sexist way and limiting one of them due to having a vagina, yes, I'd hope he had it in him to ask me what the hell I was on about. Yes, because he is a parent and an equal parent to me.

Sexist, racist, homophobic, disablist language or actions should not be accepted.

pianodoodle · 03/06/2014 15:38

My husband's a feminist thankfully so I don't have that particular battle at home. I don't think I'd like to.

Not that battles don't happen - just not this particular one Grin

NigellasDealer · 03/06/2014 15:38

guess what my ex made DD clean the kitchen while he sat with DD, saying 'women are better housekeepers'when ds questioned him.
in fairness DS was probably even more disgusted than DD was,
and they have not been to visit him since.

Original poster
HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:39

To clarify further he said he wouldn't feel comfortable rough playing because she's a girl. This seems to be a common trait in many of the dads I know. They talk about how they're looking forward to bringing their son's to the park to play footie and stuff like that.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 03/06/2014 15:39

I meant 'sat with DS' of course.
we need an edit facility

Original poster
HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:40

No way nigellas Shock

Sounds like you've brought them up well though!

OP posts: